14 and 20... It's only 6 years!

[Ifeelinvisable]

I met this guy... And simply put he's the most amazing person I've ever met. I have the deepest connection with him and we talk all the time. He's supportive and sweet, protective and he has a heart of gold. I told him my secrets and instead of running away, he comforted me, and made me laugh again. He has the most intellegent and creative mind, and we fit together like puzzle peices. He told me he would date me if not for the age gap, and I'm feeling blue. I like him so much and you all must think this is silly teenage love, but it's not. It's not love, it's something else... Deeper. I am a rather mature teenager who's dealt with more than I should have had to in my past years and am stronger for it, and yet this is being blamed on hormones and incomplete mental/emotional developent. Yet I have had doctors and specialists tell me that I am fully matured in every way; physical, mental, emotional. It seems I am an adlt in a childs body.

This man makes me feel complete again, he listens, he talks to me like I'm real, and I've not felt like this before. I've fallen in love before, actually, but this time it isnt painful and it's so much sweeter... My father is completely against me even talking to I'm on the phone, despite him not knowing my growing feelings. He doesn't trust men around me due to past events and it's nothing to him that on the outside it's nothing but friendly. I know the law, I understand it, and know it applys to me, 'minor' despite my speedy developements. I would love some advice although I pretty much know I'll be warned away from being anything but friends... That's the part that hurts...

[ferna3069]

well it sounds like u kind of know what we are going to say. your only 14 live your teenage years until your old enough to date him. your dads agianst it and trust me this will not end up well. this guy could get arrested for dating you. so wait until your old enough to date him u dont want to send him to prison or its going to hurt u more

[chitown9]

If you are mature as you say you are you would not want your friend to be arrested.

[Ifeelinvisable]

It's not that I want him to get arrested. I haven't made a move or anything, and neither has he, but I know he likes me....

[Brigadoon]

Sometimes you just have to accept that life just sucks at times and that there isn't a whole lot you can do about it right now.

You should also be thankful that he's a decent person; you are a minor who has made it clear that she wants to be more than friends and he hasn't laid a finger on you which a less scrupulous man would have.

Anyway the only comfort I can give you is to tell you that my mother is my fathers second wife, that there is a fourteen year age gap between them and that the very first time she laid eyes on him at the age of fifteen she said that she was going to marry him. He on the other hand was a friend of her fathers and wasn't remotely interested.

Somehow despite this they got married the day after her nineteenth birthday after going out for less than a year. That was in 1969 and they are still together.

So maybe you'll just have to wait like she did. Or maybe someone else will come along in the meantime. My advice is to try to enjoy the good bits about being fourteen and hold onto the fact that one day you will be all grown up and free to do what you like for the rest of your life

[mouseno4]

Sadly I think you need to stop all contact with this guy. If you continue you risk the law interfering regardless of how far you did or didn't go.

[InvisibleWound]

It can be hard and upsetting, when you both carry feelings for each other. There is a lot of hurt that can go to something like this because once your old enough to actually date him and it be legal things could change. You are young but mature, so maturity beats the age bracket but not enough for laws to change. Attempting a secret relationship in a couple years might be doable (I know someone who has done it) but I wouldn't advise as they both got caught and in a lot of trouble.

 

I don't think you should stop being a friend with this guy and it sucks for you both that you can't have a relationship right now. If possible you should try to not get so attached right now, because of him being older he could end up dating someone at some point and that probably will hurt you a lot. It will be safer and be easier on you both if you just be friends and try to abandon your feelings.

 

It might hurt a lot, but its better then getting in trouble or ruining your friendship with him.

[ferna3069]

i know life sucks at times but keep your head high. live life who knows u might meet him agian in the future

[nutbrownhare]

I don't know what the age of consent is where you are, but if this guy is as wonderful as you say he is, and his/your feelings as deep as you say they are ... wait until you're old enough to be able to have a proper relationship without any legal repercussions.

 

You seem to think your father has no idea that your feelings are rather more than just friends. Believe me, he does. Remember, your father used to be a teenage boy/20 year old guy himself and probably has a lot more insight than you're giving him credit for. That's why he's being very protective of you.

 

The other thing is, this guy is 20. Although this is still young - in the greater scheme of things - he will probably change less in the next few years than you will, simply because of where you both are in the maturation process. If you are on the same level as him at the age of 14, while he's 20, you are likely to outgrow him pretty soon. You may think that you are fully mature at the age of 14, but you can't be - you just haven't had the experience which can only come with age.

 

I feel for you in that most girls do mature faster than most boys; at your age it's common to see these gorgeous, glamorous girls who would pass for 20 when they're all dressed up - and their dating pool consists largely of unattractive, oversexed teenage boys who haven't a clue how to treat girls. A couple of years later will have seen the guys catch up and there will be far more to choose from!

[mouseno4]

One thing you need to know about the law is that if you two get caught in the act of anything, He will go to JAIL. His life will be ruined.

[Miss Firecracker]

He shouldn't have your phone number, e-mail address, Facebook information...nothing. He knows this too. Whatever you do, you won't be held responsible, but he will. Do him a favor and hopefully he will choose not to become emotionally involved with a young girl again. I wouldn't count on that though. He DOES know what he is doing is out of line. Your dad shouldn't even have to be dealing with him on any level.

[d24]

you should listen to your father here, remember he was a 20yo guy once and knows exactly what is going on in this guy's mind. I think you need to stop contacting him, and put this down to fantasy. If you two get involved, so will the law, and you (both) will ruin his life

[reidqa]

Hi,

 

Invisiable alot of great sdvice now I will give you the lowdown.

 

30 yrs ago my wife 15 I was 30 so experienced.

 

Her parents must approve.

He cannot never/ever do anything with you in a sexual nature.

If anybody suspects a court can order a test on you, and yes he will go to jail.

 

We dated and no more than a peck on cheek, once again nothing more.

 

Whwn asked her hand in marraige, the court threatened test she said go right ahead.

 

Once again be warned.

 

BTW my wife pic at 16 and 18 on this post.

[FathomFear]

You write more eloquently than most 30 year-olds on this board, so I have no doubt that you're likely very mature for your age. I can see why you're frustrated. I would just try to be patient and explore more acceptable avenues for the next few years. It can be very difficult to relate emotionally or intellectually to your peers for people in your situation, but I would focus squarely on developing yourself for success in the future. Get some hobbies, focus on school, make some career plans, etc. You have your whole life in front of you to worry about romance.

[Ifeelinvisable]

Gah, I nearly killed myself today... I posted in the suicide forum for those who want to see why...

[dramallama]

I know that you think 14 is "mature" but when you are older you will realise that it really wasn't. There are laws for a reason. If a 20 year old guy cannot wait a couple of years, not to mention that he isn't dating women his own age, then it is an indicator that he isn't right for you.

[dramallama]

Gah, I nearly killed myself today... I posted in the suicide forum for those who want to see why...

Please don't end your life over this. I know it may seem like he is "the one" and that boys your own age are immature (because they are), you still aren't mentally ready for everything that a relationship with an adult will bring.

[ferna3069]

drama is right. i know how you feel and i felt this before. its hard to get over some one trust me i know the pain is horrible. but once u start living life and start enjoing it the pain will be long gone

[NightLily]

Ugh don't continue the relationship. You will notice when I joined ENA.. after a few years of being sucked into the exact situation. I could have written the same words you did and the exact same ages (except mine started at 13). When you are older you will wonder what the hell he was thinking.

[Moontiger]

Hi Invisable,

 

You do sound like you are mature for your age. But think about that for a moment, what is mature for a 14 year old? Acting like they are 16 or 17? That still makes this age gap very much not ok.

 

Part of being mature is realizing when you can do something and when you cannot. At this moment the only thing you can do is wait a few years until you are old enough in the eyes of the law to enter into any relationship you want.

 

Something else I want you to think about, what level of maturity does this man who is in his twenties have if he is interacting with a 14 year old? You are going to experience so much in life, good and bad, better and worse, and in 4 years you will change, your thoughts, opinions, what you like and dislike. The type of person you are a attracted to is also likely to change.

 

If this man is the "one" then he will respect you age. This means, he will not date you, do anything sexual with you, and even cut contact with you so you can live and enjoy your teen years. Doing these things would show that he is mature, respects you, and fully understands your situation. If he is unwilling to do these things then he does not truly love you.

 

I know you have probably been told this. But it is true that part of your brain has not fully developed. This is a fact of life, nothing personal. Your frontal lobe is still forming, this is of the brain deal with reasoning, planning, and decision making. This is why we have law dictating when a person can and cannot do certain activities, and since laws cannot be subjective they choice an age where "most" people reach a reasonable level of maturity. You are clearly very intelligent so why don't you do some research into this, I think it would help you a great deal.

[GrowingIn]

I don't know what to think in this situation. From a personal experience I always felt it was wrong to get involved with a younger woman and the youngest I ever got involved with was 17 when I was 21. She wasn't legal but we maintained a 4 year age gap which was legal.

 

I've always been of the idea that it was morally and ethically wrong for a grown man to ever get into a relationship with a young teenage girl. I have dated 2 girls that lost their virginity with guys much older than them. We are talking 10 year age gaps when they were 18. Even though they were adults, I still felt the age gap was just too big. I feel both of them had some pretty significant emotional damage due to these relationships because in both cases the men used them(one was married and lied to her). Even though we were close in age, they were emotionally more mature than me, and not in a good way(emotionally they operated more like old women in young girl's bodies though they behaved, thought and acted immature...in everything except emotions). They seemed to only be able to fall for older men with similar age gaps as their first, but would always be far too immature mentally to remain attractive to those guys(they were already too immature for me), so it's almost as if they were doomed to be used forever. Typically they felt nothing from or had no interest in anything romantic, or mushy, etc. It's like they missed out on that part and didn't know how to react to it and participate in it.

 

However due to the way society is nowadays, I am not sure what to think of this anymore. Is it better for a teenage girl to be sexually active with another teenage boy or a man in his 20s assuming equal maturity levels in respect to their age? Neither if you ask me and it depends on the daughter. From an emotional standpoint, I feel it's better to lose your virginity to a boy slightly older than you in that puppy love stage. Now, from a different stand point, when it comes to regular sex and a continuing relationship things change. Which one would I have more trust in to treat her right, not get her pregnant if they were not serious and not use her? Once again, for the most part neither, but I would have more trust that the older guy who is emotionally mature is practicing safe sex and is making sure not to get her pregnant if he knows he's not ready for a child. Which one would I have more trust in to take care of his child if she was to get pregnant? Probably the older guy. If it was a teenage boy that got her pregnant as a father I would push heavily for abortion. All in all I'd rather she just not have sex period.

 

Of course maturity level plays a big part too. So here's where things get interesting. What if the man in his 20's is emotionally immature but had everything else together? In other words he's young at heart but not at mind. He still believes in true love, etc. Well all of a sudden he beats out both of the other guys.

 

Now let's take sex out of the equation it becomes a no brainer for me. Personally I now feel if I had a daughter, and the man had his life together, finishing college, whatever and was looking for a wife or long term relationship, and stuck around my 14 year old daughter for 4 years, treat her right, just so he could marry or have a long term relationship with a virgin when she turns legal.....I'd probably be ok with it as long as she was able to continue her education. But I would have to get to know him very, very well before that would ever take place. I'd probably take that guy under my wing as my own son since I know he'd be a bigger man that I ever could be, and that goes for most men nowadays, for waiting that long for her. That show some serious respect and dedication on his part.

[Ariel85]

If you were as mature and fully developed as you claim, then you would know that there is something very wrong with a 20-year old man hanging out with a 14-year old girl.

 

I have never met a kid under 18 who doesn't believe they are very worldly and that they have experienced more than other people. Once you grow up and experience life, you will realize your story is not as special as you think, nor are you equipped to handle adult situations.

[teabee]

There is so much to life, SO much. The older I get, the more I find myself saying, "Wow, I didn't know anything back then!" and then a few more years pass, and I'll say again, "I didn't know anything then either!" So I'm 90% sure I still don't know absolutely everything And keep in mind that you don't know either. It's tricky, because yes we should trust ourselves and our feelings, but at the same time, we can't always trust what we think we know and feel. It's taken some very painful experiences, some dark nights of the soul, over 3 years of personal development books and courses, a year of therapy, and the last 6 months taking time daily for honest introspection and mindful meditation for me to finally start to develop a deeper awareness of how much is going on inside of me.

 

So, even though I don't know it all, I do know this one thing: you are more complex than you know. Way more complex. It is commendable that you are so mature for your age, but there are also deeper layers and motivations and patterns hidden within you that drive your feelings and choices too. Quite often, the feelings we have for another person, positive or negative, are about way different things than we think, but we are very good at creating stories for ourselves and believing deeply in them. Maybe this guy is your perfect match, maybe he is the one, or maybe you're putting him on a pedestal and idealizing your feelings for him. Likely it's not even something about him but something about you that is the real source of these intense feelings. Maybe in 6 years you'll be married, or in 6 years you won't even remember what he looks like. Gosh I really don't know--and I don't think you know either, no disrespect meant at all.

 

If you would like to add a little wisdom to that maturity you already possess, I would advise taking a step back. A very important moment in my life was last year sometime when I was completely embroiled in a painful, seemingly-critical issue, and underneath all the drama I suddenly realized: "These are just emotions...they're not going to kill me." Ever heard the quote, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"? At that moment I was able to understand, I don't have to suffer right now, it doesn't matter what's going wrong. And sidenote, for all we know, what's going wrong is actually necessary to clear the way for something very right. There are hidden gifts in every experience. But our focus tends to narrow so much when we are bogged down in drama that we can't see what's actually going on. Please understand that this is not a life or death situation after all. You are way bigger than this issue, and this too shall pass. I really hope things work out well for you.

[Batya33]

When I was turning 15 I dated a 21 year old man for 6 weeks against my parents' wishes (which made it ever more tempting!). I actually begged him to go out with me - there was just something about him. Looking back I now know he was a train wreck, potentially a pedophile from stories I later heard and absolutely a bad match for me. I was lucky that after dating him 6 weeks I left for a camp upstate for 2 weeks which made me realize that he wasn't for me in part because of the age gap.

6 years is a huge age gap at your age - if you were over 18 it would be less of an issue but this 20 year old man knows better than to get involved with a 14 year old girl - while he might be sincerely interested in you if he really cared for you he'd suggest just being friends for the next couple of years.

[chatelaine]

If he loves you, he'll wait until you're a woman. Make them prove his intentions toward you.