shoppienyc1 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 So I just recently started a friends with benefits agreement with this guy. He was completely honest with me telling me he does not want/will not want a serious relationship after I touched base on the idea of it. I asked him what should I do if I start to develop feelings for him. He says its best if I just end all contact with him for my sake before it gets to that. He said he does not want me to get hurt. After I had "interrogated" him he said he was aprehensive about continuing to see me, because it seemed I was more invested in this then he was. But, the next day he agreed to meet me for drinks and it was fine. He is not a callous person, instead I really respect him for being honest and not trying to lead me on which makes me more intrigued. We agreed that we would still hang out normally, and not only call each other for booty calls. One thing however that he said, which is a major thing has me confused. He says he will not hook up with any other girls, and I'm not allowed to hook up with any other guys and if I do I have to tell him so we can end all contact. That sounds like a boyfriend to me. Is he being selfish and acting like I'm his without the commitment? Or is there a slight chance he may want something to develop? I know he is unattainable and made it super clear that he doesn't want a gf, but in my naive state of mind I still think there is a chance because of what he said... Link to comment
jengh Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 No, there is no chance. He was honest and straightforward with you and I think that's really great considering so many men lead women on with sex. So, you need to decide if you're capable of having a purely physical relationship? It's hard, but possible.... but in your case, you sound like you want more out of it and I don't think the situation is optimal. Link to comment
jengh Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 RE him not hooking up and you not hooking up with others--it's probably a safety thing... like, healthwise... he doesn't want you hooking up with a bunch of guys, risking STDs he could catch, etc. I've had the same agreement in FWB situations for that very reason. Link to comment
mouseno4 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Yep I agree he is a really thoughtful and kind person. Make sure you treat him nicely. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I agree with Jen -- He was actually quite straightforward with you, and I have to give him a lot of credit for that, and the "not hooking up with others" thing is most likely an issue of safety; he wants to make sure that you both remain STD-free, I'm sure. If you're really interested in this guy as more than a FWB, you really should cut all contact, like he suggested. If you continue to see him hoping that it will evolve into something else, you are going to get hurt. Link to comment
DoGGYtREAts Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 fwb can get really diffacult. My bro lives that way and i have nothign against it.. But things normally do get complicated eventually from what i've heard. Especially when you get close to the person sooner or later someone wants more Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 If you embark on this FWB thing, be prepared to be frustrated, angry, hurt and confused. That is typically what happens when someone develops feelings for their FWB and is hoping for a relationship. In your case you are already starting out hoping this would turn into something more...so this has disaster and heartbreak written all over it. I actually do NOT admire this guy at all. Sure he was honest...but if he was TRULY being a nice guy he would back out of this completely knowing that the OP already has an interest in him for a potential relationship. He wouldn't take the tactic of "I was honest with you and you chose to go through with the FWB." That is basically absolving himself of all responsibility for the future disaster. In other words, knowing what he knows, he will still go ahead with it in order to get free, convenient sex because free, convenient sex is more important to him than what is really in the best interests of the OP. He should be walking away. There are plenty of women who would be up for free sex who couldn't care less about him and a relationship. He should be looking for those women. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I asked him what should I do if I start to develop feelings for him. If I had a "friend with benefits," that would be a huge turn-off. After hearing that two or three times, I'd be outta there. That sounds like a boyfriend to me. That sounds like a guy trying to minimize his exposure to STDs. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 This. He already knows you're starting to develop feelings for him just by asking the what if question but yet continued to have the fwb relationship anyways. Link to comment
regular joe Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 Yep, heading into this territory with my FWB and was clear from the beginning it was a bad idea. She continues to want to be physical, even though I tell her I do not have any emotional attraction to her. Had the talk again the other day that it is a bad idea. I think she believes it continues that I will somehow become emotionally attached and that will not happen. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 FWB usually come with quasi-relationship rules, the not being able to sleep with others is a common one. I think that your choice is very simple, if you want to have a sexual relationship with this guy that will not develop into anything further then, continue to be FWB. If you want something other than that then you need to exit the relationship now. Link to comment
shoppienyc1 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 Regular Joe: I feel like the girl that you're talking about. Are you going to end it with her or continue seeing her? Why aren't you looking for more with her? I feel like there is something wrong with me, that he was so shrewd about his decision in not wanting any sort of relationship with me, even before he got to know me. I told him that, and he said it was "partially me". He wouldn't specify what though. * * * He also got kind of annoyed when I brought all this stuff up again. He replied with "I already told you how I felt. In the future I don't want you to feel I misrepresented my self." I can't help myself, I keep telling myself its just sex yet I find myself thinking about him way too much. I'm definitely inept at this whole FWB thing, but I really enjoy hanging out with him. BTW the sex is not good, and he doesn't cuddle or anything after. I don't know who I am kidding, because I still want to see him. Link to comment
shoppienyc1 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 But maybe I can use him for a summer fling, and keep it moving. I want to be more sexually adventurous and he would be the perfect candidate to bring that out in me. It can go 50/50 at this point, but I am kind of emotionally unstable so it will probably go horribly bad. It's just that I see all my friends doing it, and none of them are getting attached makes me believe I can think like that too. Link to comment
agatha Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 don't go fwb when you are emotionally available. if you are 'settling' for fwb but what you really want is a relationship, you've started it wrong. stop trying to fool yourself, stop trying to fit in your friends shoes. stop trying to see things where they are not. sexclusivity is a safety rule for avoiding std's, period. so space out, and you said it yourself - sex is not even good enough! (if I'm not commiting, then sex must be AWESOME to make it worth my time. I can get a half-hearted orgasm on my own fingers or vibrator, and so can you). and just for the record - you have already fallen for him, just please stop denying it and start getting up, will you? Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I recently had a FWB develop feelings for me; I backed out of things quickly to save her the stress. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I recently had a FWB develop feelings for me; I backed out of things quickly to save her the stress. what happened next? Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 what happened next? Nothing. I haven't contacted her since, nor has she made any attempt to contact me. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Nothing. I haven't contacted her since, nor has she made any attempt to contact me. mission accomplished. Link to comment
regular joe Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I hope this helps. Bottom line, I just do not feel any spark or chemistry between us. Shame is if I made a list of what I would like in mate, she would score very high. She is a very nice, giving, terrific person, who has a lot going for her. We have know each other for many years, as we were neighbors growing up. Our biggest common ground though is when we re-met I had broken up with my longtime GF and she had gone through a divorce after a long marriage. I do like and care for her as a friend, but cannot get past friend zone with her, it's just not there for me. Link to comment
shoppienyc1 Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 Thanks everyone for your honest input! I've cut all contact, and he hasn't contacted me either. So hopefully this will last. You guys were right, I definitely had feelings for him which I didn't want to admit. I see it now after not speaking to him A lesson learned HAVE SEX WITH GUYS YOU LIKE! Link to comment
agatha Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 slight correction on your lesson: don't have CASUAL sex with guys you like. Link to comment
capilot Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 So, what, have it with guys you don't like? Not sure I like the sound of that. Link to comment
agatha Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 have it with guys you don't care much about. they won't be caring much about you either (outside of bed, that is), why bother? Link to comment
DoGGYtREAts Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 So, what, have it with guys you don't like? Not sure I like the sound of that. lol, they mean not with guys you "Like-Like Yanno.. in THAT way. Link to comment
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