Need Help deciding if we should get back together or not

[hockeydfndr14]

I am a 20 year old male and just broke up with my 19 year old girlfriend. We had been dating for almost 6 months. We broke up because I was getting upset about certain things she said(bad jokes) and I was also jealous about her ex-boyfriend.

Her ex-boyfriend is best friends with her brother so he is always talking to her and is always around. I always got the impression that he was trying to make a move on her but she always assured me he wasn't. This was my first serious relationship and I let my mind ruin it. She thought I didn't trust her but in fact it was him I didn't trust.

She broke up with me and I told her that there will be no friendship between us but that I want to get back together. I said it is an all or nothing type of relationship. She seemed very upset about this.

She took a vacation with her family and I let her contact me. She wanted to to get together and talk and seemed rather excited about it. Her decision was to date casually and see where that goes. I think I already blew it because I got upset about something that very night. She says she really loves and cares about me and she does not want us to hate each other if we break up again.

We have been texting throughout this but I feel like she is just trying to be polite about it.

Honestly, it has been hard letting her go seeing that I liked her a lot. I'm also afraid that I can never find a girl like her again. What should I do? Should I cut it off right now and just stop talking to her? I refuse to be her friend if she decides not to date me. My dad says I should go on one date with her and make my decision based off how that goes.

Thanks for any input.

[jt214]

Wow dude this is a really tough call. I'm 20 years old too and I'm recently getting over my first relationship where I had serious feelings for a girl. i know it's hard to get out of the mindset that you'll never meet another girl you can love as much as her, but do not let that be a reason for getting back together with her. the world is filled with awesome women you just have to be patient and keep looking. that said though, you seem to really care about her, so i'd go with your dad's advice and go on a date with her and see how it goes from there. if it works out, then that's awesome, but if not, go no contact immediately, and definitely do not try to be friends with her. stupid decision on my end trying to be friends with my ex. just doesn't work. good luck though man i hope it works out

[hockeydfndr14]

Thanks for the input man. I'm slowly coming out of it day by day. It just sucks lol. She seemed even more upset than I was when she broke up with me. And she still seems to care about me a lot. I think I will do the one date idea. I'm gonna play no contact for the next few days due to a trip I am going on. Maybe that will help me and her calm down emotionally. I'm sure there are a lot of eligible ladies out there. I'm just trying not to rebound or anything. She even told me that I could do whatever I wanted and date other girls while we were dating. But then she said that she wouldn't date other people. Anybody have any idea what this means?

[endy]

Yeah,

 

She will get back with you if you want and she's saying that. The problem is, you need to decide if it's the best thing for YOU. You are young man. You are in a good place that you know about this site at such a young age. There's a lot of wisdom and experience here to be learned from a lot of different people.

 

You are at an age that, in all honesty you should just be having fun. When I was that age, I had serious relationships, but looking back I would have done it differently. Now don't get me wrong... I don't regret anything in my life. With that said, I basically would have took advantage of having "fun" (lots of sex) and being single. If you meet someone you have a connection with then fine. It's your first relationship, you haven't been through this before so it's a new experience.

 

I think that if you read Anger by thich nhat hahn it will help you a lot. It will with the jealousy and other things. I can tell you that much. All you have to do is practice mindfulness. I'm not a full blow buddhist and it helped me greatly. If you do need to break up with her or that ends up happening read the journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson. Both of those books are going to benefit you and your future in relationships greatly. Seriously try not to worry so much about all of this. You have your whole life ahead of you.

 

Remember that no relationship ever lasts forever. That's why we have to be happy and love ourselves first and foremost. Every relationship has a birth, a life, and an end. It is inevitiable. So don't be scared of going out there alone. Don't be scared of the suffering that comes with it. It only makes you stronger. As will those books if you read them. Go on the date, have all the confidence in the world, and believe in yourself. Don't let another guy ever effect who you are or the way you treat someone else. There's tons of books I could suggest to you. If you really are a reader... Read being the strong man a woman wants as well. It's going to teach you how to lead and be more decisive in a relationship. Girls love this. Most of all just have confidence in yourself and believe in yourself. Good things come to people who are constantly positive and don't let other people effect who they are or how they feel about themself.

[hockeydfndr14]

This is a great reply, I really appreciate it. I have tried to give this as much thought as I can but I can feel my emotions clouding my judgement. That is one of the reason I would like to chill out first, sort of speak. I see what you are saying about being single but I really don't believe that is what I want. I am definitely not opposed to trying that lifestyle out for a few months though I just looked up that anger book and am about to go buy it. I need help with this jealousy and trust situation. I will ask her out soon but not too soon. If she says yes then I will be as confident as possible. I'll keep everyone posted on how it works and any advice I need! Thanks!

[hockeydfndr14]

This is a great reply, I really appreciate it. I have tried to give this as much thought as I can but I can feel my emotions clouding my judgement. That is one of the reason I would like to chill out first, sort of speak. I see what you are saying about being single but I really don't believe that is what I want. I am definitely not opposed to trying that lifestyle out for a few months though I just looked up that anger book and am about to go buy it. I need help with this jealousy and trust situation. I will ask her out soon but not too soon. If she says yes then I will be as confident as possible. I'll keep everyone posted on how it works and any advice I need! Thanks!

[hockeydfndr14]

I had a "date" with her last night and seemed that it went pretty well. It was actually kind of fun. Just a bunch of laughing and teasing for the most part. We went to a yogurt place and then we hopped in her car and she just drove around for about an hour or so. When we got back to my car, we talked again for 45 minutes ago and it was fine. We then started talking about the breakup and everything. That part wasn't all that bad either and we never got emotional about it or anything. Then she kind of held my chin for a while and I touched her back. I'm not sure if that means anything.

She said she is going on a tube thing this weekend with her brother, his gf, her ex, and her brother's roomate. She was reluctant about telling me about her ex going and I figured it out and called her out on it. She said that she didn't want to upset me because she still cares and doesn't know how I would take it. I then told her that it doesn't really matter what I think anymore and I'm not upset about it.

She butt dialed me today so I texted her back asking if she called. She kept the responses real terse and it seemed like she didn't want to talk so I just left it alone. Anybody got any advice on what to do? Does it sound like I should ask her out again?

[endy]

Nope, I wouldn't contact her at all. Seriously start working on yourself man. No game playing. She either wants a relationship or she doesn't, and YOU make that decision. Not her. Don't make yourself available anymore. Step away and move on. She may come back, but I wouldn't count on it. You're better off finding someone else at this age.

 

What's going on is you're making yourself too available and you have no boundaries. Get the anger book, but also read being the strong man a woman wants. If you are real hurt by the breakup read the abandonment book. Seriously just start working on yourself. You have no idea how much knowledge is in these books. You'll learn a lot from just reading them, but if you practice what they preach you'll improve yourself greatly.

 

You need to show her right now that you don't need her. I know it sounds hard, I know it sucks but that is what you have to do. You need to have the power in this situation, and right now you don't. She does, because you are making yourself too available. Who brought up the date? You or her?

[hockeydfndr14]

Well today the inevitable happened. She texted me first calling me a nick name she used when we were dating. I then called her asking what all this meant to her. She told me that it is just hard letting me go. She then said that she doesn't think it would work out if we were to date again so I dropped the hammer. I told her that I can't play these games anymore and I ended it for good now. Its time to move on and stop worrying about her. The only problem is that I want my stuff back that I gave her lol.