Ex called me out-of-the-blue!

[laxster]

After several weeks of NC, then a couple weeks of LC emails after he received my apology letter, he called me up today!

 

We spoke for about 20 minutes or so, conversation was funny, giggly, friendly and our old silly dynamic was there. It seemed just like one of our chats of old, almost like we had never split. It seems our bond is slowly rebuilding. I have all kinds of good feelings inside right now. \\

 

What I find funny is that a few days ago I realized that while I still love him, the breakup no longer really hurt me emotionally anymore.

 

I'm not sure what to do next -- if anything. I've learned to take it slow and not rush into things with him. Right now I just want to establish a solid foundation between us once again.

[ILostHim]

I wish you the best of luck! Just keep everyone updated and read the thread about common mistakes women make when they are reconciling. I am truly happy for you!

[nattpanter]

You should go NC and disappear!

[abitbroken]

I agree with Natt. Remember why you broke up. A few weeks isn't long enough to heal. "building a foundation" makes me feel like you are trying to get him back. I think you need to be clear what you want - whether you want him back or not. Don't just aimlessly talk to him here and there to see where it goes.

[Oneironaut]

I have to agree...a few weeks isn't really long enough to have truly missed each other to the degree that you're willing to completely let go of the past and move forward as if in a new relationship.

 

However, everyone is different, so anything is possible.

 

My advice would be to play cool. That should be easier now that you've realized you were no longer in emotional pain about the BU. I mean, you survived without him before...if things don't work out, you can survive without him again.

 

Good luck.

[nattpanter]

I agree with Natt. Remember why you broke up. A few weeks isn't long enough to heal. "building a foundation" makes me feel like you are trying to get him back. I think you need to be clear what you want - whether you want him back or not. Don't just aimlessly talk to him here and there to see where it goes.

 

Actually that was a joke to go NC...I thought the advice was so extreme that it would not be taken seriously My real advice is this... Do what is best for you, and remember, you can only trust one person 100%...and that is yourself...

[DoubleRainbow]

Its great that he contacted you, but you should ask him that what does he have on his mind now? Figure out if HE is willing to get back together with you, otherwise there is no point YOUR dreaming n working towards a solid foundation.

[laxster]

I don't feel that there is any point in having that discussion with him at this juncture. We were friends for 7 months prior to dating and I want to build that friendship and trust back. In his response to my apology letter he stated that he is open working on the friendship, but that we are starting from ground zero. When we broke up, he felt that I had become a different person (this is true, a lot of crap hit me all at once and I didn't know what to do and let my frustration out on him).

 

First things first: working on the friendship. Talk of getting back together would be premature at this point; we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.

 

I am somewhat surprised at some of the responses here: it seems like so many people here wait for this type of phone call from their dumper and it never comes.

[ohsweetlove11]

It just seems like a bad idea to be friends because you're not over him. If he ends up wanting just friendship and you do want more, and he meets a girl... how are you going to feel then? NC is used to get over the person. I'd honestly stick to that until you're over him. 100%.

[Brownstone322]

Actually that was a joke to go NC...

I laughed at that immediately! (Then I saw people taking it seriously ... amazing.)

 

They're talking ... why on earth should she halt contact? If the chit-chat goes nowhere, sure, but they owe it to themselves to find out first.

[endy]

I second what Angie said. The problem is you need to be honest with yourself about what you want. Take some time and think about that. You know him better than we do. People wait for a phone call if they still have hope/want to get back together. I would say most people who's relationship ended on bad terms... Lying, cheating, etc... Eventually come to the conclusion after healing and working on themselves that it's not what is best for them. They know they deserve better than that. That's my case anyways.

 

If my ex did contact me... would I respond? Possibly but that under no circumstances means I will get back together with her either. I have myself, and I have my self respect and love for myself. I don't need her or anyone else to be happy, and I know I should have been treated better. I know she hasn't changed, and the relationship pattern would more than likely repeat. It doesn't matter what she would say either. It would depend greatly on her actions how it played out. When the taste of the gum wore off... she would go running for that ideal love again. She's looking for something in someone else, that can only be found inside of herself.

[endy]

I laughed at that immediately! (Then I saw people taking it seriously ... amazing.)

 

They're talking ... why on earth should she halt contact? If the chit-chat goes nowhere, sure, but they owe it to themselves to find out first.

 

IF you can handle it and it's not going to set you back... I agree with this, however YOU make the choice on what you think is best for you. If you know you are strong enough to handle any outcome, take this advice.

[laxster]

Getting together again would be nice.... BUT.... I simply have no expectation for that at this point and my priority is re-establishing the bond. I still love him, and probably always will. But I've fully accepted the breakup and miss the friendship we had before we even started dating. Dating was sort of a natural extension to what had been a great friendship full of crazy adventures, similar values, and intertwined interests. I've been in several relationships, but the best ones (2 of them) were where we had already been friends for awhile.

 

The phone call yesterday wasn't long by any means, but anyone listening can tell that there is a great chemistry between us. Maybe a relationship isn't meant to be... but the connection we share is utterly inexplicable and it would be a shame to throw away a friend like that. IF anything were to happen between us in the future, I can't picture it through any other way than through a strengthened friendship first.

 

Whatever happens, it won't be overnight. And it won't be because of pushing. It just has to flow...

[Brownstone322]

Just be on your guard and do not make yourself overtly available. The rest would be up to him.

[Tired Tiger]

They're talking ... why on earth should she halt contact?

 

I dunno, man... wasn't he supposed to fall at her feet groveling for forgiveness and professing how wrong he was? Isn't that what the "experts" say is supposed to happen?

[Brownstone322]

I dunno, man... wasn't he supposed to fall at her feet groveling for forgiveness and professing how wrong he was? Isn't that what the "experts" say is supposed to happen?

Oh, that's right. And if he didn't explicitly declare his intention to reconcile in the first three sentences, then she shoulda banished him to the netherworld!

[kaboom1218]

I dunno, man... wasn't he supposed to fall at her feet groveling for forgiveness and professing how wrong he was? Isn't that what the "experts" say is supposed to happen?

 

Oh, that's right. And if he didn't explicitly declare his intention to reconcile in the first three sentences, then she shoulda banished him to the netherworld!

 

LMAO!!! Ya'll are too funny. My sentiments exactly about the "experts". That's what I've been getting at all along!

[learning2relax]

Oh but wait, it has only been a few weeks, I thought the "experts" said that a specific amount of time must pass before the script (first three sentences) is read or it won't work!! Yikes, better GO NC right away, lock yourself in a closet with a sharpie and a calendar and wait until the time to be successful has come and then wait by the phone. Anything more (or less) and forget about it.....

[dramallama]

I agree with Natt. Remember why you broke up. A few weeks isn't long enough to heal. "building a foundation" makes me feel like you are trying to get him back. I think you need to be clear what you want - whether you want him back or not. Don't just aimlessly talk to him here and there to see where it goes.

I agree with this. I think you have a right to know what your ex's intentions are - whether that be if you ask him what they are, or he tells you and very soon. I suppose I'm just the type of person who, if I thought I let the love of my life go and if *I* defined it as a mistake, then I would let them know pretty quickly what my intentions are as to not waste any of their time, especially if I knew they had feelings for me.

 

I wouldn't recommend talking to him as if nothing has happened because for all you know, he might think that you're "cool" with this friends thing, when it's obvious that you are hoping that he wants to reconcile. I think it would be wise to put a time limit, whether it be a couple of weeks or so, as to how long you are going to keep in contact before you ask where it's going. Otherwise you'll just be another one of those dumpees that get taken along for the ride and are in the same position months later.

[dramallama]

How is it an ultimatum to ask an ex to respect your space if they don't want to reconcile? It seems like if an ex cares about you, then they will have no trouble honouring that request so that the dumpee can move on.

[SethSLC]

I hate to say this, but... I kind of agree with Drama here a little bit. Yet I also agree with BS and TT. I think it comes accross as pressure when you start talking about the relationship and getting back together in the feeling out phase, but at some point sooner rather than later you really do have to make it clear that you're not interested in being friend-zoned if that's not what you want. You just need to be a little more thoughtful before saying things at this point than you might otherwise. Give things double or triple the time frame. Meaning if you want to talk about getting back together today, then wait a week or 2. I say this because while someone pointed out earlier that the only person you can trust 100% is yourself I disagree, at this point so soon after a breakup you can't even trust yourself to that degree. You may feel fine but you're probably not emotionally speaking. Giving things extra time to process before acting on them should buy you enough time to make wise decisions.

 

Besides it's a marathon not a sprint. Take your time and play it casual, but at some point you've got to tell the other person you want more if you do, and it should be done earlier on rather than later or you really will risk getting strung along.

[laxster]

Yup, I am taking my time. I want to work on the friendship. I'm in this for the long haul. Right now that's what I want. A few couples I know were friends for YEARS before more developed. And said couples are now happily married.We texted a bit today and he's down to hang out when he gets back from his trip.

[MakeItCount]

How is it an ultimatum to ask an ex to respect your space if they don't want to reconcile? It seems like if an ex cares about you, then they will have no trouble honouring that request so that the dumpee can move on.

 

not sure where I said that. I think it's stupid to expect an ex to call you abd say "

let's get back together". That rarely if ever happens. Respecting space to heal is one thing, expecting a door buster reconiliation is another.

[dramallama]

not sure where I said that. I think it's stupid to expect an ex to call you abd say "

let's get back together". That rarely if ever happens. Respecting space to heal is one thing, expecting a door buster reconiliation is another.

I think it's all down to how the dumpee wants to act - if they feel that after they've been dumped they expect a pretty quick explanation of the dumpers intentions, that is very fair, IMO. However, if they want to keep in touch with them, that's fine too. But by keeping in touch (even though I don't agree with that approach) it's a good idea for a dumpee to not just "see how things go" indefinately, because two weeks can turn into a month, one month into two, and before you know it, you've been talking with an ex for a while but then you are no closer to getting back together because your dumper ex hasn't been kind enough to make their intentions clear soon after (as they should IMO) and you've not wanted to "rock the boat" as a dumpee.

 

Also, I think it's a good idea to talk about expectations early on if you start talking again because your dumper ex could have "just friends" in mind, but you might think and hope that they want to reconcile. So it does save time and disappointment to find out if you two are on the same page. And then if you both agree to take it slow and then talk about things in a couple of months, then that is a game plan and at least the dumpee will have control instead of wondering all the time "what does this mean? where is this going?"

[doiiiieeezie]

Yup, I am taking my time. I want to work on the friendship. I'm in this for the long haul. Right now that's what I want. A few couples I know were friends for YEARS before more developed. And said couples are now happily married.We texted a bit today and he's down to hang out when he gets back from his trip.

 

All I will say is... do not sell yourself short. You basically told him that you want to be friends, which brings it down to another level. Strong relationships have friendship in it yes, but you need to make sure that you are ready for anything. NC is not the way to go here, and I would let him take some initiative too. Otherwise, it sounds like a promising start and I do wish you all the best.