Signals, Friendship, Looks, Love and a whole lot of confusion.

[LostIrishman]

Another what the hell should I do thread!

 

I've been having a strange time of things. Love-life (or lack thereof) story in one paragraph: *deep breath*. I'm a not-very-attractive guy who had pretty much given up on women until this year. That's not being overly dramatic or sorry for myself, I'm damned smart, funny, outgoing etc. but have remained a Virgin (and more worryingly had zero interest from any woman) at 26 due to my looks despite a couple of cosmetic surgeries and getting seriously in shape shortly after (4 years or so back this). I've never had any close female friends and thought myself a little socially awkward at times until I grew older and more confident in myself, helped a fair bit by body building and stopping worrying over women having given up. Closest I've come to a relationship is having a few younger girls in my school days crushing on me (we're talking 13-14 years old) which dried up when puberty left me with horrible acne, rake thin when I shot up and with a nice prominent nose. Not really as long as it seems given acne kirbed me until I was 20 or so and I wasn't my outgoing self until perhaps 22.

 

Fast forward to this year and I end up living with a couple of girls from europe. All of a sudden I find myself within a social circle made up almost entirely of women around my age and realise that I don't really enjoy the company of most guys or even come entirely out of my shell when they're around. I'm a definite man's man with sport, drinking, work etc., and am seen as such, but when it comes to anything of substance or of the heart I'm completely soft. Felt like I could actually be myself when I hadn't even noticed I was even holding back before. Made some extremely close friends, moreso than any I've had before including the guys I grew up with and therein lay the problem, I'm not gay nor a girl myself. =/

 

I'm pretty sure I've become the stereotypical sweet guy always surrounded with female friends but nothing more. It makes me ridiculously happy but naturally it's hard not to have deeper feelings. Earlier in the year shortly after meeting everyone I misread the signals from one of my Spanish friends given what passes for normal there is pretty forward here. (lots of cuddles, touching, sleeping in each others arms in bed etc.) I found there could be nothing between us, this being the first woman I'd ever thought of asking out and having a chance, and the first I ever did so. Hurt a bit but I at least got a clear answer that it was my looks and she couldn't be attracted to me. I hadn't fallen too hard at that point so wasn't massively broken up over it. I moved on and having close friends was fantastic, we were already such good friends that despite a couple of awkward days and her being a bit more careful not to give me anything that could be misinterpreted we went on as normal and I reaffirmed to myself to just enjoy everyone's company and not to look for more.

 

Worked brilliantly, I can honestly say that all the friends I have now I love to bits but am not in love with, save one and despite myself I can't stop it. And that, after the longwinded ramble above, is the problem. I have no idea what to do about it either. The same situation as before, Spanish girl, much more attractive than the other (pushing her further out of my league) now my closest friend, slept alongside each other/cuddled a lot, out partying/drinking together and often alone, share everything despite both having a hard time completely opening up etc. etc. Basically as close a friend as one can have. She has gone back to Spain, after a good long cry in each other's arms, and we have plans to see each other again at least once a month, but always with our other friends from here. I know there is a guy there she is in love with, and looks set to hook up with, as she has confided as much in a few of us, but to me, despite my friendly teasing about her 'boyfriend' she keeps reminding me there's nothing between them. He's also a native UK guy, not too attractive (though moreso than me) and into fitness/cycling/rugby in a big way as all her previous boyfriends have been.

 

Given what happened previously and with her leaving plus how she feels about this guy it's obviously a fool's errand to tell her what I feel. To throw a spanner into the works the girl I initially asked out I now know really rates looks at something she looks for and complains often about the lack of attractive guys around, despite now dating someone she has no physical attraction to. (which to be honest makes me lower my meagre expectations of my looks even further given how fantastically we get on). I have no idea if she is flirting, friendly or just playing about at times simply due to my lack of experience with women and differences accross Europe. I'm not even sure what signals, if any, I'm giving off beyond wanting to spend a lot of time with her, having fun and sharing our thoughts. I do think I'm overly careful not to make any unwanted advances which could leave me seeming uninterested, to be honest I'd feel like a I was being a pest if I did so. (I guess part of what makes me a sweet guy is how I never come even close to hitting on anyone)

 

At the moment I'm hoping to save up for another operation and get back into peak shape (knowing she likes a guy well built), learning Spanish and chatting to her every day (similar to how she did with the guy in Spain when she was here away from him) whilst trying for a good graduate job that can move over there as finding a job with boots on the feet in spain is madness at present. Is it complete insanity to hope that she doesn't date him too long (they've only met/kissed a few times but text incessantly) and is free when I come over and that she could even feel the same way? I can't lose her as a friend, it almost broke me as it is when she had to return home from here. Knowing that nothing can happen now anyway, and that I'm not in fantastic shape and that she has eyes on another I'm going to let it run it's course and hope for the best. I didn't realise how strong my feeling were until the weeks leading up to her leaving and with everything against it didn't feel it was the right time to roll the dice. Having a good job, speaking spanish, a bit more attractive physically and in top shape.... it just seems I have a better chance a bit down the line.

 

In the even bigger picture, given how fickle and open it seems my heart is, should I keep on basically only having female friends? I don't think I can take being hurt deeply much more and secluding myself away as people move/leave rather than expanding my social circle is much easier. I've already fallen back into the trap of being self conscious and depressed enough to need to better my appearance and was, if not happy, stress free before igniting the hope that I could be with someone.

 

Anyways, glad to bore you all, can't believe that the above is so massive! Simply writing things down is a help in and of itself even.

[f1r3f1y3]

It sounds like you are trying to convince the Spanish girl to be attracted to you and romantically fall in love with you. You should never have to convince someone to love you, they just should.

 

You need a guy friend or 2. Who do you talk to about your issues? Other girls? You need a male support group of sorts. Guys who know how to meet and treat women, not players. In order to learn how to act as a man to attract girls, you need guy friends. And a couple of books. Start with No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover.

 

Stop spending your money on plastic surgery, it won't make you happy. Use it to travel instead (not to holiday resorts). Get off the beaten track.

 

The whole concept of being in "in someones league" is rubbish. When you act confidently you are in anyone's league. When you act confidently, woman actually see you as more desirable and physically attractive.

 

Stop friendzoning girls you meet, after initial conversations, ask them out. So 9 out of 10 reject you, and the 10th one she's interested. Don't take rejection personally at all, it is completely fine to be turned down. You only need ONE girl from this planet. Rejection is part of successfully meeting girls. You have absolutely nothing to lose. This is a game of numbers, the more you ask out, the more chance you have.

 

As you get to late 20s and early 30s, womens priorities do change somewhat. The ones that have not already settled down begin to look for men who provide them security, love, a family and become less interested in partying, guys with 6 packs etc.

 

I assume you're neat and tidy and you're not overweight. Stop obsessing about your looks. It's how you act and carry yourself.

 

If you want more book or website recommendations, PM me.

 

And by the way, you're a pretty good writer.