I don't know what to think it's like a soap opera.

[Lolly86]

A

female

 

age

 

22-25,

 

Lolly86

writes:

 

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Hi, all and any advice will be greatly appreciated as I've gotten myself into a bit of a emotional pickle.

In May last year I started a new job. In September a flirtation began between a colleague and I, one who unfortunately was in a 3 year relationship. This colleague is a man whom I had never met before but a casual FB search of his name showed "16 mutual friends". Clearly this sparked conversation.

To start with the flirtation was very much a joke and rather one sided. My rather blunt nature had me throwing innuendos at him in front of others to get a laugh. He would frequently intentionally set them up, giving me an opening but didn't usually respond in kind.

In November he and I went out for a drink. Nothing happened between us but he showed a definat interest. That night we clicked - perfectly. I had never experienced that in my life and whilst I was sure he felt it, due to his relationship status neither one of us verbalized it. The next day things were different between us. There was something there, something real and slightly terrifying.

Then his gf found out about our flirting (but not the drink) and confronted me. I calmed her, and flat out lied to her "I've got zero interest in your man. It was just a joke that went too far". She forbid us from talking, deleted his FB account, sent me nasty messages, changed his e-mail and passwords, took his phone from him, tried to run him down in her car and had her friends threaten me. Whilst I'm aware that my morals were slightly off kilter by flirting with her man her reaction was extreme.

Coming up to Christmas we found ourselves in our second social situation together only this time his girlfriend was present. As we had prior notice of the situation we agreed not to speak to each other but he spoke to me. She went ballistic. Dragged him half way accross the room and publicly yelled at him. They argued. All night.

At the end of the evening I asked her permission (!!) to have a quick word with him and out of her earshot asked him if I ever had a chance with him. He said no, never, nothing but friends.

The next month at work was tense but we got through it. Mostly due to me taking the proverbial bull by the horns and saying "get the **** over it, I don't do awkward!". We got over it.

Then things started to change again. He was required to train me in a area of our job which resulted in he and I spending 30+ hours a week alone with each other. We got closer, got to know each other, built up a insane amount of sexual tension and everyone at work noticed. In short, I began to fall for him and everything about him said he was feeling the same.

I think it should be noted here that other than rather regular and usually unwarranted hugging nothing had actually happened between us. I still didn't even possess his phone number. He was adamant that he would never cheat on his girlfriend regardless of the state of their unhealthy relationship.

Eventually he started to acknowledge that there was something between us and told me he wanted to leave his gf.

At the end of March he came out for a drink with me and some mutual friends and when we were alone he kissed me...a lot. He went home that night and because he had been drinking his gf kicked him out (she didn't allow him to drink). He came to me. I made him sleep on the sofa and refused to let things go any further than they had whilst he was still with her. We went to work the next day and then out for a drink again that night. There was more kissing but I stuck to my guns and sent him home (his fathers). That night he mentioned the never previously uttered 'click' and admitted to previously lying to me when I asked if i ever had a chance with him. "I hated telling you that but I had to, there were eyes and ears everywhere". He told me that he hadn't slept with his gf in 4 weeks.."why".."because you got into my head so much it felt wrong" (this man has never slept around. Has had only two sexual partners, both whom he was in a LTR with - friends can tell you a lot)

The next day he officially ended it with his gf. That night I slept with him and my gut feeling the next day was that it was still far too soon. It continued though. Blissfully. We became absorbed in one another, spending nights together, sneaking kisses at work, texting non-stop, talk of feelings, futures, his family would openly say in front of me that he should "keep a hold of this one". Against my better judgment I gave him all the control. He had had it taken from him for so long I felt it was what he needed. I put no pressure on him and it all went at his pace.

 

Three weeks in his now ex announced she was pregnant.

We didn't believe her, but I understood that he would be in regular contact with her until he had confirmation. Being a dad is something he had always wanted, but through his own admission not with her.

 

Two weeks later he told me he wanted to slow things down, i.e. stop sleeping together. He told me his head was screwed up, he felt close to a breakdown and wanted to be healthy for me because he could see a future with me and wanted it. I agreed with dignity. The affection was still there though, along with the texts and reassurances. One Saturday night he ended up back at mine after work and things got heavy between us but I wouldn't allow it to go too far until I knew his head was sorted. He thanked me for that.

 

Two weeks after that she proved her pregnancy with a scan.

He began to distance himself from me emotionally then, other than tentatively asking me if I could ever be with a man whom had a child (my answer was yes, causing a huge sigh of relief from him and a half hour hug) I didn't see him outside of work at all for a week.

Another two weeks after that I find out they are back together.

 

I confronted him - calmly, only to be told that he loves her, no it is not just because of the baby, he thinks I was just a shoulder to cry on and no, he doesn't have any feelings for me and doesn't think of me in 'that' way.

 

That three weeks ago now and in all honestly things are fine between us at work. We laugh, we have our 'in' jokes, he brings me coffee without me asking, checks up on me and chooses to be in on company when he doesn't have to. At work, we are fine to the point that the staff still think something is going on. Inside however, I feel like I want to scream at him at him, shake him and sometimes throttle him. But alas, that would achieve nothing productive.

 

His no-longer-ex doesn't have a clue. He hasn't told her and he knows I have enough respect for him to keep my mouth shut.

 

My head's all over the place, seeing him each day is getting harder and I don't know what to believe. Part of me say's I was a just a rebound but the 6 month previous emotional affair is one of the many reasons I question it.

 

Can anyone make any sense of this cause I'm all out of brain power.

 

(Btw, he's 27, I'm 24 and the girlfriend is 19)

[Boadicia]

My assesment of what you've written is that he has strong feelings for you but he is trying to do what he believes is the right thing, stay with the girl who is having his child. He's more than likely lieing about no longer having feelings for you but it seems he has decided how he wants to deal with this confusing situation and its to stay with his (ex) girlfriend and raise their child.

 

However, I think he is probably emotionally in a total mess. First of all he persued you while still with his girlfriend, who sounded a bit controlling and untrusting of him. From this it doesnt sound like it was the healthiest relationship. He is burying his head in the sand now and hoping to just erase what happened with you and hope his girlfriend never finds out. She may also be burying her head in the sand, thinking a baby will solve all the problems they seem to have.

 

Im not a fortune teller but it looks like this drama will continue to unfold for quite some time to come. My advice to you is stay away as best you can. Despite his decision to be with his ex, there will probably be times when his emotional confusion, the chemistry between you and the stress of trying to keep what happened between you a secret will get in the way of all his good intentions and you will end up bearing the fallout. Good luck.