fell hard and fell fast......now i need help

[Steelersdubv45]

I was with my girlfriend for just over three months, now I know that is a short time, however I had been in 3 long term relationships for over three years each, but I had never felt this close with someone before in my life. We had spent almost every day together and we were both amazingly happy. Once we had gotten closer she almost out of no where freaked out. She told me that she realized we were going to fast and needed to slow down. I respected her decision and we took things slower. However once we decided to make this change she changed.

 

All the little things that made our relationship special went away and she was holding back although it was obvious she felt them. I tried to let her know that I was there for her, but she was shut down about everything. She was having some family issues as well as some issues in her professional life, but preferred to shut down. After a couple more weeks it was all over. She said that at this point in her life she wasn't ready for a serious relationship and she would rather tell me now then go through the motions and hurt me later when we might be more emotionally involved. Although it completely broke me into a thousand pieces, I respected her honesty and although I felt emotionally abandoned, foolish, and depressed I couldn't be mad at her.

 

Never the less in efforts to move on I deleted her from my life (phone #, pics, facebook, texts) and even put all her things in a box and dropped them off at her house when she wasn't home. I have been trying to move on now for almost longer than we were even together, dated/slept with other women, got a new better job and have been spending time with my friends. Unfortunately I have thought about her every single day since we broke up and no matter what I do it won't stop. Now she is texting me with little things like "hi" or "I hope all is well for you" and it makes my stomach drop every time. I know I want to be with her, but I need advice. Should I do anything else to try and move on? Should I try to get back with her even though she broke up with me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated....Thanks

[tresqua]

You did the whole clingy needy thing and scared her away.

 

There "might" be a save here but you gotta chill out.

 

Be friendly, listen to her, if she wants to spend time together than do it, but calm and casual with no expectations is the order of the day.

[No1]

I think you went from one drastic to the other, she thought she was moving too fast and you bounced and did the whole thing with trying to eliminate her from your life.

The best advice I can give you right now is "keep things lite" its all you have to do. I know you want more and you want more now. But she has to come to you. She has to initiate communication and when she does, dont offer too much info or try to have long text chats, just keep things simple and lite.

If you want to have her in your life, you can do that. Accept that its going to be on her terms when it comes to a relationship of any kind. But for now, you cant really pursue, dont ignore, but dont go overboard. Its a fine balance.

If you dont want to wait or cant handle it, then you will just have to tell her that you are going away, and tell her have a good life. And dont think about it any more. You have made your decision and you must stay with it.

I know that its hard, but just keep things light. If she wants to stick her head out and say hi, then let her, respond with quick and short texts. If she calls keep things lite, dont say I miss you, or I want you back.. youll scare her away.

Breathe, relax, youll be fine.

[Steelersdubv45]

Wow thank you so much for your response, very helpful. I will keep it light and i haven't said any of the things you said not to (i miss you etc.)

She only seems to reach out when I'm just about to move on and it reels me back in, i appreciate the advice and keep it coming I love having an outside prospective from people without a bias point of view

[dramallama]

I think that if you are going to keep things casual and let her initiate contact and you have the intention to get back together with her, feel free to take that approach. However - put a timeline on it. It's all too easy for a dumpee to read into things and for you to assume that things are back on track and you two are just about in a relationship, until they introduce you to their new boyfriend and say, "but we were just friends. We were broken up, remember?" So make sure to put a timeline on how long you are going to do the whole "non-chalance" thing and be willing to tell her that it's not going to work for you to be in contact if you two are not in relationship and if that is not were she wants to be headed, and soon. Or you could tell her that now and continue with healing, that way she will immediately get an idea of what life is like without you now.

 

And don't do the clingy thing. Self assurance is sexy.

[No1]

Wow thank you so much for your response, very helpful. I will keep it light and i haven't said any of the things you said not to (i miss you etc.)

She only seems to reach out when I'm just about to move on and it reels me back in, i appreciate the advice and keep it coming I love having an outside prospective from people without a bias point of view

 

Dont overthink to when she reaches out to you, it will bother you a lot. A lot of times people have a hard time accepting "The Now". When she texts or calls you, who knows what the reason is. Could be many reasons and one of them could be she just misses you and wants to say hi. And I dont think she is reeling you in cause you havent left.

Again, you either accept what she is doing, or you dont. If you accept it, let her do her thing, give her time and space, let her come to you, because if you go to her, she will probably run. She has to realize what a life without you always being there will be like. Eventually she will miss hearing "I miss you" or "I love you" and she will wonder if you still do.

However, live your life as you want to. Put yourself in a place where you are happy with or without her. Then when she decides she wants you, you can decide yourself on what to do.

[learning2relax]

I know that a lot of the responses here are stated in terms of what you did to perpetuate the break up. I humbly disagree but this is my own opinion.

 

Having been through almost the exact same circumstances, my take is that there are fears that our ex's have that we are unaware of and that we cannot anticipate. They are very seductive and participate 110% in the beginning that gives us all the green lights. The only mistake that I think that we make is that if we have any thought or feeling that it is going to fast, for us to just slow it down a bit. It doesn't need identification or discussion. Actions speak louder than words. Just stay true to the boundaries that you should have in place to protect you.

 

I'm not saying build walls but what I realized is I obviously didn't know him as well as I thought I did given the closeness we shared in a very short period of time. I had no ideas the fears were looming and looking back see the small red flags I ignored. Don't know that I could have prevented the breakup but I certainly could have possibly cushioned the despair I felt when he ran for the hills.

 

Keep on the path to healing your heart. It does get better.