New boyfriend is full of drama!

[Anomie_]

We are both over-thinkers, and while he told me that he's basically happy with everything going on in his life right now, he is still bothered by his all the debts he has to pay off.

 

We've been only dating for a few weeks now and though we've met through mutual friends on and off for a while and chatted every now and then through facebook, he's been completely open to me about his past and how he had cheated on his ex girlfriend numerous times, ran away from his problems and how he's decided to cleanse his life and rebuild it since his rock-bottom moment with the cheating incident. Namely, he swore off sex for a whole year, stayed put in one place instead of traveling around by renting an apartment and holding a full time job.

 

He said he was happy that I came into his life and that everything is finally falling into place nicely. I also let down my guard and became more open with him. However there has been times where he jarred me mentally and completely threw me off. Hot and cold. One night, he texted me saying he thinks he made a mistake (by us being together) and that 'I don't want something easy. I don't want a sure thing'. When I approached him about it the next day, he told me he feels dumb for saying that and that he's sorry, he just made the assumption when he found out I was seeing one of his friends FOUR years ago, long before I even met or even knew him. We talked about it and got over it.

 

Another night out with friends, he became incredibly distant, cold and put up a huge wall. He didn't want to talk about it and we didn't speak for a few days before he eventually decided to call me to tell me that he had just been thinking and assessing the whole idea of being in a relation ship, he is insecure and a very jealous person and didn't want to feel that way again. But instead of removing himself from the situation like he usually did in the past, he said he is going to deal with it and get over it because he wants me in his life but will understand if I cut the relationship off now.

 

I didn't. It didn't feel like it's run its course and want to see what will come of this whole thing.

I try to be easy-going, good natured and supportive. I try to be patient with him and coax him out of his shell. I don't want to give him a reason to be insecure but I'll play along when he talks about other girls (he admit that it's to make me jealous). But this is too much work for the beginning of a relationship! I have my own insecurities and fears, like I'm sure we all do...but I don't want to have to worry about his too!

 

Today, he called me that he had an epiphany. He wants to be out of debt by the end of the summer and is doing it in an extreme manner. He cancelled his internet and electricity bill and moved out of his apartment to go live with his friend in order to save every penny and put it towards his debts. He said he's going to ask for as many hours as possible and live the life of a hermit until everything is paid off. I told him if that's the only thing that's bothering him in life right now, and to get rid of it is what will make him happy, then he should tackle the situation. He ended the monologue lamely with 'well...I donno what you wanna do. I don't know if you wanna stick with somebody who won't have a life. if you want out, I understand'. I said we really don't need to do things that involve money.

 

anyway. That's my story. We like each other and enjoy each other's company a lot. But he keeps giving me reasons to run away. I don't know if he's testing my loyalty. I don't even know if this is a summer fling or something more. If I won't be seeing him all summer because he plans to lead the life of a recluse, and expects me to wait around till it's the end of summer and he's out of debt, I don't know if I want to wait around. Is this drama normal for a relationship that's only a few weeks young? What path should I take? He's 24 and I'm 21.

 

Thank you for any helpful comments or suggestions!

[Oneironaut]

You're right about one thing...this is WAY too much work for such a young relationship.

 

What concerns me the most is this:

 

I try to be easy-going, good natured and supportive. I try to be patient with him and coax him out of his shell. I don't want to give him a reason to be insecure but I'll play along when he talks about other girls (he admit that it's to make me jealous).

 

You are already altering your behavior to accommodate his, and him talking about other girls just to make you jealous is emotional manipulation...and you've only been dating for a few weeks? This is definitely a taste of things to come, and unless you like what is happening, I would suggest walking away now, before you become emotionally invested.

[DylanNotorious]

Personally I don't think your in a relationship with him, because he's in a relationship with himself. That's how I see it.

 

It sounds like you are hanging on, and hanging on to what? Because he's not really "there" in the relationship. How to test if your in a good relationship is if something were to befall you, would he be there for you? Do you think in your heart of hearts he would be? Because he sounds real wrapped up in his own stuff, and your just waiting on the sidelines.

[Benville]

The drama isn't something you can link to your relationship per se, so asking if it's normal or not isn't the right question.

 

Some people are like this. I'm 30 now, and am still prone to occasional drama llama sessions and have been exactly in the place you're describing for this guy.

 

He's going through a cycle of doomsday and repair. He thinks things are going wrong, gets down, assumes you're going to leave for whatever reason, offers you a way out. You don't go. He takes strength from this, he bounces back, he's going to cure cancer in his garage, we're at the high point. Something causes him to stumble, and it's back down.

 

You can't control this pattern. From my experience, the best thing you can do is try to account for it, but in an ignorant way. When my girlfriend and I first got together we went through this over and over until we split up. We got back together, patiently, talked things out and accepted what we were doing, and we're mostly good now.

 

How? One of us decided to be the strong one, which is what you'll need to do. In all things emotional, she's my rock. In all things world/money, I'm her rock. This two way process actually REALLY helps, because we can put our own dramas into perspective. I can tell myself that when I'm getting into a panic, it's not the end of the world because I've solved worse situations, and she can do the same vice versa.

 

Your decision now is simple. You need to decide if you can stomach his cycles or not. If you can, you need to be stable, and persistent, and essential wear him down until the dramas get smaller and smaller. They will still happen, but they'll reduce in scale and drama factor over time. Is there something you get in a pickle over that you can turn to him for advice for? This will put him briefly in a stable and controlled position and make him feel a little stronger.

 

My opinion at least anyway. How patient a person are you? He just sounds very insecure. No testing, nothing untoward, just insecure.

[Anomie_]

Thank you for the replies, guys!

 

I don't say anything about him talking about other women because it really doesn't bother me at all. I know what he's trying to do. He talks about his ex too, and when I mention my own stories of my ex (because I thought that was were the conversation was heading) he gets jealous and very quiet. There are moments when I get jealous too sometimes! But I try to approach it with a logical manner. His ex is in the past and this is us now. Men can't help checking other women out, it's just nature. And so on.

 

 

You are right, DylanNotorious, he does sound like he's in a relationship with himself. I have no doubt in my mind that he will do anything he can to help me out if I needed it though. He is definitely invested in the relationship-- in fact, he does most of the phone calling/initiation of getting together while I hide behind a neutral attitude towards the whole situation (we can't both be insane...).

 

 

Your decision now is simple. You need to decide if you can stomach his cycles or not. If you can, you need to be stable, and persistent, and essential wear him down until the dramas get smaller and smaller. They will still happen, but they'll reduce in scale and drama factor over time. Is there something you get in a pickle over that you can turn to him for advice for? This will put him briefly in a stable and controlled position and make him feel a little stronger.

 

My opinion at least anyway. How patient a person are you? He just sounds very insecure. No testing, nothing untoward, just insecure.

 

 

 

I can be pretty patient. Usually, I'm the moody one in the relationship, with the erratic decisions, fleeting epiphanies and over-thinking ways. It's just strange to see someone else do it and it kinda turns me into the logical, sane and patient one. I just don't know how with all this work and supporting his crazy decisions, that there is something for me to benefit from in the long run. Breaking it off doesn't sadden me so much to the point of tears because we haven't both emotionally invested in it enough yet...but it does make me go '....aw' because I'd never get to see what came out of it. Just the nagging 'what if?' question.

[catfeeder]

Do you want to date someone terrific and build a healthy relationship, or do you want to play therapist with someone who isn't even relationship material?

 

It's been a few weeks and he's already gone cold on you right out of the gate. Question your motivations--are you trying to force yourself to 'work' with a flake because you believe there aren't better guys out there who would date you?

[OmegaMan]

@Benville:

Thank you for this post. I can't help but to feel joy to read your message. It's always great to see someone who is understanding or at least tries to be.

 

Just like there is more to you than your dramas, this person is not also more than that. He might be troubled, he might be hurt and struggling, but to discard him as not being dating material is a bit sickening.

 

@OP: Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of casting him stones and judging him. If you're going to break up because you're unhappy, do so but there's nothing to gain from being judgmental.

[Anomie_]

He is relationship material. He is affectionate and supportive, he is funny and cares about the simple things like how my day is going. He likes to talk just as much as he likes to listen. His friends and I get along and likewise, he gets along with mine. What more do I need in a relationship at my age?

 

Whereas he is looking for somebody to fill his void, I am content to have somebody there to 'enhance' my life. I can live without a boyfriend.

 

I can be patient with his insecurities and uncertainties about the future. But they cause him to be reckless like the situation with his debt. He is disappearing off the face of the earth and hardly be in contact and even if I got a hold of him, there's nothing much he can do because all he has to offer right now is 'himself' and doesn't know if I even want that.

 

At least he had the courtesy to call me and inform me in advance that we will be only in a relationship by 'title'.