Please Help: Boyfriend just dumped me last night. Haven't eaten nor slept

[fifregister]

I am 29 and was seeing someone for 2 months. He's a bit older; 43, and been divorced for 6-7 years. The relationship started out great. He made effort to see me, text me, call me, and made plans way ahead of time. He took 3 hour train rides to come see me for dinner, installed an air conditioner for me, was always there when I needed to talk. Then this past weekend, seemingly out of nowhere, he acted distant. I spent the weekend at his house. We had brunch with his friend, cooked dinner and breakfast, etc. He seems unusually quiet so I attributed it to stress.

 

Last night he called and said it's not working, and that I am not the right person for him. I am so confused and so hurt. I asked if there's anything I can do, and he said no, the chemistry is not there. It was an 8-minute phone call and he was just so cold about it.

 

I've been up and neither slept nor eat. It was just two months but I built up so many expectations and hopes in my head. It hurts so much because I feel so cast aside. Logically I understand that it's not a good fit for him, and there's nothing I can do. But I've cried so many tears over so many breakups but it hurts just the same. I'm confused and lost and extremely lonely right now....

 

I know I'm being indulgent in asking for kindness from strangers and those I haven't met....but I've spoken to every one of my friends and took a day off work today, and need to help alleviate this pain.

[mhowe]

As much as it hurts, you need to just work through the pain and let it go. It was a 2 month relationship, and it appears long distance to boot (3 hrs is a bit of a hurdle to overcome at the outset). If there isn't chemistry now, it is unlikely to develop...and since you're young enough, you still have time to find someone more suited to you. I know it's hard, but it's better to know early and move on.

[annie24]

I'm sorry. I've been there. If they aren't feeling the passion/sparks for you, not much you can do. sigh. it sounds like things were going nicely. I've had a relationship like this too. I wonder if your guy has some issues, or he feels like he needs "drama" in a relationship in order to feel the passion? Oh well. his loss. take care of yourself, go get a manicure or something. you will feel better.

[Seraphim]

Sometimes it is hard to see that even though it is working for you , it is not working for the other person. I know it hurts but really you do not want someone with you that does not want to be there. Now you are free to find someone who will love you as you love them

[miky077]

Let him go if he dumped you then just forget him as hard as it seems, the sooner you do that the faster the hurting will stop.

[TakingtheBlame]

I dated a guy who was 30 when I was 24...not a huge age difference but I grew up pretty sheltered so I think it showed. Anyway, things went reeeeally well for a month, with him doing all the things you described, until we spent a weekend away together and suddenly he became cold and distant (when he wasn't taking the time to criticize my wearing sneakers out to meet his older friends at a local bar, or asking me why I felt the need to wear a hard rock band t shirt out for coffee, etc.) When we got back to our home state, he also dumped me via phone call with those exact same words: "You're not what I'm looking for" or something to that effect. I was an absolute MESS, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, nearly failed out of school (!) and I cried and cried to my good friend/roommate at the time about whether she thought I had been too immature for a guy his age who had seen so much of the world and was so sophisticated. Finally she got fed up and told me that maybe I had been too "immature," but I had all the time in the world to get old and act "mature," and why should I let some guy dictate the pace of my development? She told me to be myself, be young, act how I wanted, and not change myself to accommodate some random dude I'd been with for a month. I really think that was the point when I snapped out of my stupor...when I realized that I was who I was, and there was nothing WRONG with it, even if it made me "wrong" for some random dude.

 

So yeah, who needs him anyway? People leave other people for all sorts of reasons and it's important never to take it personally. Who knows what's going on in his head?? Be glad it took him two months and not two years to realize you weren't compatible, and move on to someone who loves YOU and doesn't care what footwear you don for a night on the town (for example.)

[happyfrank]

Sorry about this. Seems like he just wanted something else. Just move on.

[Cheetarah]

You deserve someone who is as fully present as you are. Anything less is cheating yourself. And in the long run, it would have made for so much resentment, on both sides.

 

You do have to eat, and rest. Not eating will toy with your emotions just as much as a lack of sleep. Eat enough to sustain yourself, and if you can't sleep for long, try to catch a couple 20 minute naps. By depriving yourself, you are only attributing to your depression. It's not going to make it all better, but it is going to help a little bit. Self-care. You must. As much as you don' have the energy to care for yourself rightt now, no one else is going to swoop you up in your arms and do it for you(would be nice).

[fifregister]

Thank you guys. It makes sense but my emotions are wreaking havoc right now. I try to go over details in my head to see what I did or said that set him off. I'm tired of trying to search for answers that do not exist. Been reading to keep my mind off things, but as soon as my tears dry they start up again.

 

I just caught a 17 minute nap and had 1/4 of a waffle. Woke up, and reality set in and it feels horrible....

 

I tried to make an appointment for a therapist today but nothing available. Just going to write in here to occupy myself....

[annie24]

In my case, I suspect my guy was a functioning alcoholic and he needed another alcoholic to be with. I think that's why he didn't feel the spark with me, as he said. he also smoked a lot of pot, i bet that dulled his senses as well. i think he was self-medicating.

 

I don't know about your guy - if he has some emotional problems, or he just decided you weren't right for him. it sucks, but i promise you, you will meet someone better suited for you. watch a funny movie. that helps me.

[chitown9]

There is an old song. I am going to google the lyrics and see if I can locate it. These lyrics came back to me after a break up.

 

Got along without you before I met you ,

gonna get along without you now.

 

I would sing these lyrics in my head, and it helped me to carry on. I am glad that you took this day off from work. You need the time to regroup. You can face the world again tomorrow. It will get better sweetie, I promise.

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm sorry it hurts so much but you've only vested 2 months in this relationship... and as much as it was working on your end it clearly wasn't working on his (for whatever reason and something you have no control over.)

 

After just 2 months don't take it personal. Its not really about you but so many things which weren't right for him but would be wonderful for so many other guys.

 

As others have mentioned as well - I've been on both sides... the one which was left and the one that left simply because it just wasn't there.

 

Hugs!!! I know its such a disappointment but there really are a lot of other guys out there!

[ChellyV]

Sorry about this. Seems like he just wanted something else. Just move on.

 

I agree. He wants something else. And it may be heartbreaking but at least he told you early on.

Allow yourself to grieve, cry if you must, then have a goal to heal and move on. Remember, you have to go NC. Do not beg or crawl or not ask for any explanations.

Go out for a walk, get some sun on your face, start journaling.

 

I hope you feel better at the end of the day.

[MyNinja]

Try not to put too much energy into a situation in which the other party has, most likely, moved on. It was only two months. I know it hurts regardless, but try to put things into perspective. I don't think enough time has lapsed for you to have invested your emotions fully to where you're broken down like this. It's not healthy.

 

Go out and get some sunshine. Grab a smoothie. Take some time for yourself and DO YOU for awhile and just be single for some time. Give yourself a break and figure out what it is you want in a relationship. Sitting around feeling like crap, being depressed and playing the situation over and over again in your mind will only cause you more grief and will drive you insane. Take a nice long walk with your headphones in and listen to your favorite tunes. Keep yourself busy and eat more than a quarter of a waffle!! Believe me it will get better.

 

Until we meet again...

[fifregister]

Yeah I've really tried to put things in perspective. I had such high hopes for this relationship and thought I was safe because he seemed so devoted and committed to settling down. I am grateful that he didn't waste my time further, but my emotional wreck gets in the way of logic.

 

I'm surprised at myself for breaking down like this as well. I honestly thought I'd be fine either way, and that there's plenty of fish in the sea. He just somehow seems extraordinary now that he's out of reach. He was a great guy, sweet, considerate, caring, stable, had an amazing job and great finances. Basically all the traits that makes think I can settle down and build something long term.

[chitown9]

I also remember thinking after a breakup that it reminded me of the time I wanted a puppy I saw in a shop. My mother would not allow me to have a puppy, so I just stopped going to see the pup. I thought "What is the point of longing for something I just can't have." I remember equating the breakup to not being able to have that little puppy that I just adored. I was very sad about it. I just told myself there was no use in wanting something I could not have. What makes it more hurtful in the breakup is that you know they don't want you. So then I told myself, "Why would I want someone who does not want me?" It will get better sweetie, I promise.

[fifregister]

I also remember thinking after a breakup that it reminded me of the time I wanted a puppy I saw in a shop. My mother would not allow me to have a puppy, so I just stopped going to see the pup. I thought "What is the point of longing for something I just can't have." I remember equating the breakup to not being able to have that little puppy that I just adored. I was very sad about it. I just told myself there was no use in wanting something I could not have. What makes it more hurtful in the breakup is that you know they don't want you. So then I told myself, "Why would I want someone who does not want me?" It will get better sweetie, I promise.

 

I agree. It's just tough because at one point, they DID want you, and they made it seem that they want you, and they say that they want you. Then POOF, switch off. I'm facing the worst day right now because it's the day after the breakup. It's finally sinking in, and that bubble of denial and numbness no longer protects from the pain. I'd been calling everyone who wants to listen and just crying my eyeballs out. Now I'm drained of tears but every breath hurts...

[fifregister]

I also remember thinking after a breakup that it reminded me of the time I wanted a puppy I saw in a shop. My mother would not allow me to have a puppy, so I just stopped going to see the pup. I thought "What is the point of longing for something I just can't have." I remember equating the breakup to not being able to have that little puppy that I just adored. I was very sad about it. I just told myself there was no use in wanting something I could not have. What makes it more hurtful in the breakup is that you know they don't want you. So then I told myself, "Why would I want someone who does not want me?" It will get better sweetie, I promise.

 

I agree. It's just tough because at one point, they DID want you, and they made it seem that they want you, and they say that they want you. Then POOF, switch off. I'm facing the worst day right now because it's the day after the breakup. It's finally sinking in, and that bubble of denial and numbness no longer protects from the pain. I'd been calling everyone who wants to listen and just crying my eyeballs out. Now I'm drained of tears but every breath hurts...

[lykkeli]

Sometimes the way the other person ends it hurts more than actually losing the person. Take comfort in knowing that the pain you feel now will go away and you'll survive this just like every other break-up. Enotalone is here for you.

[Tryptophan]

I know it's easier said than done but FORCE yourself to eat. If you can't sleep, get a sleep aid, tea, warm milk with honey, over-the-counter somethings. It's incredible what a difference it makes. You need food and sleep in your system, and not getting them just makes you feel worse. Just be glad that you didn't really beg him or plead to him. You kept your dignity, you're much younger than him, and you handled it much more maturely. And it wasn't much of a long relationship, maybe intense, but I'm sure it'll be less time to get over it. On the bright side, he didn't waste more of your time.

 

You're a strong girl and you'll make it through.

 

EDIT:

 

I'm surprised at myself for breaking down like this as well. I honestly thought I'd be fine either way, and that there's plenty of fish in the sea. He just somehow seems extraordinary now that he's out of reach. He was a great guy, sweet, considerate, caring, stable, had an amazing job and great finances. Basically all the traits that makes think I can settle down and build something long term.

 

Right now you're looking at it that way because the rose tinted glasses haven't come off. When they do, you'll see he wasn't as extraordinary as you think he was. This helped me when the break up was recent: write the bad stuff about him. It helps a little it with the crying, and you'll start to see more clearly. I know for sure he wasn't as perfect as you're saying he is. For one, he was much older than you, which might explain the "stability", and "great finances", not much of an accomplishment at that age. It's kind of expected.

[fifregister]

He just sent a text: "***, I found your black bikini bottom in the dryer. Ifyou let me know where is the best address, I will mail them to you. G x"

 

What should I do? Just continue NC and forget about the stuff? I sort of want them back but I don't want to break No Contact.

[blackhawks1287]

Its a bikini bottom? If is is that important to you then reply, if it is a meaningless then ignore it.

 

Don't give yourself an excuse to break NC, you are hoping for a shrivel of something if you do.

[fifregister]

No, the bikini bottom and First Season DVD of Walking Dead (though perhaps I can relate to that title) are not that important to me. I want to preserve my dignity and feelings more than anything.

 

Sad that I perked up when I saw his text message. Turns out it's just cold logistics. He really did lose feelings for me....=*(

 

Its a bikini bottom? If is is that important to you then reply, if it is a meaningless then ignore it.

 

Don't give yourself an excuse to break NC, you are hoping for a shrivel of something if you do.

[Sarah Jane]

ive been reading your posts you need to try to move on with your life and think maybe your prince in shiny knight will come to you soon...

[fifregister]

Yep, totally trying to move on. It's less than 48 hours since I got dumped, so I'm still encountering a lot of hiccups. I responded to his last text about my stuff by saying "Thank you ___. I will just get replacements. No worries about those items".

 

I went to see a new therapist today to resolve some of these feelings in a productive way. She indicated that I'm being too hard on myself by being frustrated by tears and sadness and obsession. It's a natural part of mourning a loss. No matter how brief that connection was, it was a close relationship with someone and it will hurt to let go. Makes sense I guess. Still ruining the upcoming weekend though.