I don't know whats going on : s

[curious987]

So I've posted a few things about this already.

 

Quick summary:

 

My ex bf of about 2.5 years broke up with me 8.5 weeks ago. The break up happened over facebook chat (pathetic and cowardly, I know). Anyway, the 2 times we've seen eachtother since the break up, we have been at a party or nightclub, so therefore we have not been sober. So basically, the last time we saw eachother and spoke while we were sober, was while we were together.

 

Anyway he broke up with me for a few reasons. He claimed to not 'love' me anymore. Still had feelings, but lost enough to not love me. He didn't elaborate on this until a few weeks into the break up. Basically, I strongly feel he lost interest in our relationship because he was getting nothing from me. I was honestly not putting in enough effort, and now that I look back on how I was, I don't know how he stayed in the relationship for as long as he did! He must have loved me.....but just got sick of getting nothing from me, and clearly felt that claiming to 'not love me' was the easiest way out.

 

My faults: Never initiated anything, wasn't very affectionate at all (hadn't had sex for 2 months prior to breaking up), started becoming more interested in hanging out with friends than being with him, started to become very moody, and I was feeling a bit depressed for reason OTHER than the relationship.

 

His faults: Lack of communication, insecurity, immaturity, afraid of confrontation.

 

Anyway, one of the 2 times we saw eachother since the break up was Saturday night at a party. He was extremely drunk. On Monday he apologized to for being so drunk, claimed he didn't remember anything that was said between us, but he remembers me walking away from him at one point. He said he's an idiot when he's drunk. Today he came into my work, just to say 'hello' and see me. (First time sober since break up), and tonight he's commenting on my stuff and talking to me on fb chat.

 

Why would he bother coming to see me at work? When you break up with someone, don't you try and avoid them for a while? I'm confused as to whats going through his mind. We never sat down and spoke about the break up. I have had a very hard time dealing with it. If he doesn't love or want me, he should not be wanting to see. Why is he apologizing for what he 'can't remember' saying?

 

I don't know what going on.

[DN]

Why do you think you are more mature than he is?

[Oliviaa]

It sounds like you need some proper time apart, I would recommend implementing NC and starting to move on......... 8 weeks isn't a lot of time since the break up and feelings and faults are still very much heightened and hence things will be confusing and heated still, and closure hard to find.

 

Try focus on yourself for now, I know its hard but seriously you have so many more months and years ahead of you to discuss with him the problems and his motives and feelings for you. Put yourself FIRST and try and focus your energy of improving YOUR life and not questioning his interest and why he has started talking to you.

 

My ex is pursuing me again, and it's very confusing because he broke up with me, yet claims he only wants to be friends even though we met up and he kissed me last week after claiming he fancies me still...... men are confusing creatures and half the time with exes they don't know what they want, or what they truly feel. This can lead to confusion and misunderstanding. And us girls are left thinking "if they broke up with us why do they still talk to us? Why are they dropping by to say hey? What is his motive? Why does he still care?"

 

Sometimes we'll never know but perhaps one day after a long period of No Contact, you'll be able to discuss things in a cool, calm manner when everything has cooled down. 2 months isn't a long time, you may have many months or even years to go. Its horrible trying to move on with mixed messages from him so I suggest going NC where you remove him (for now) from your life......hold your head up high, and try to focus your energy on moving on, rather than trying to decode his words and actions..GOOD LUCK

 

p.s. he probably likes you still & thats why he's talking to you, and trying to remain present in your life. True feelings take years to go, and he is scared to let you go completely from his life so instead he keeps "checking in". However, he can like you without WANTING you, and this is only gonna lead to hurt. NC & Move on

[curious987]

Well DN....first off, he broke off on facebook chat. Secondly...he didn't tell me what was bothering him in our relationship until 3 weeks after the break up. He should have talked to me about them first. I've tried to talk to him about the break up since (not trying to get him back, but just asking a few questions). And...he just says "I don't know. You tell me".

 

He's making it REALLY hard. I have not initiated contact with him ONCE since the break up. He can't seem to go more than a few days without saying something, but its always some smart ass comment, which results in me feeling sad and unhappy all over again!

 

He has very poor communication skills. So many people who have known the both of us, even his best mate, has told me they can't believe how he has gone about this breakup, and that he has not been fair to me at all.

 

And yes Oliviaa, I think you're right. After he came and saw him at work, he text me later during the day saying "That was probably the most disgusted face I've seen in a while". Apparently I looked disgusted when I first saw him. Honestly...I was shocked. My first thought was "Why are you here?". And what does he expect? He's hardly been fair to me, he hasn't even talked to me about the break up in person, and now he's going on as if nothing has happened, and he doesn't understand why I'm not overly joyed to see him?

 

He told one of our mutual friends that he thought I was going to dump him. Maybe he was just saving himself the rejection? Maybe he doesn't understand why I'm not happy to see him, because he thought I wanted out anyway.

[Oliviaa]

That sometimes happens. Problems don't get spoken about and one person quickly does the dumping before the other person "can get in there", just because people cannot communicate properly & don't like to be the one rejected. He is evidently confused with his decision and feelings for you. Dumping you, yet still initiating contact with you. You hear that most men find it easier to completely shut out their ex and move on swiftly...... to make things easier and cleaner. But because you haven't properly discussed it and sat down, its leading to confusion and lots of questioning etc

 

I still think you should cut him out, and move on - for now, and then talk about the problems after a long period of time later on, if you still even care to discuss them in months/years time! Because at the moment, everything is still raw and talking in a civilised way might not be achievable, and then that will just lead to hurt, and confusion even more. I know this because my ex dumped me over email (yes not as bad as FB chat hah but still pretty bad), and I never really understood his reasons. 10 months later we started talking again and because we were both in clearer states of minds, we easily managed to discuss the past and our problems. Could we have discussed them 10 months ago? Gosh no....I would've still been mad at him, and upset, and he would've been defensive.

 

Be strong, make a stand for moving on with YOUR life, and leave things (for now).....

[DN]

My faults: Never initiated anything, wasn't very affectionate at all (hadn't had sex for 2 months prior to breaking up), started becoming more interested in hanging out with friends than being with him, started to become very moody, and I was feeling a bit depressed for reason OTHER than the relationship.

Would you say that someone behaving like this was a) being mature and b) was easy to communicate with?

[curious987]

No You're right. I actually had a really long chat with him tonight. He actually SPOKE to me about how he felt. I was right He admitted he's hooked up with a few people since we've been apart, and so have I. Possibly desperate attempts to get over eachother.

 

And there was supposedly another girl he 'had feelings for' (part of reason we broke up), but he said he won't be hanging out with her anymore. Mainly because she doesn't want to. But he said it doesn't bother him. So yeah we opened up to eachother a lot. Yes...the conversation was on FB chat..AGAIN. But to me, its better than nothing.

 

He asked what I'm getting up to this weekend, so.....yeah he seems to be taking a bit of an interest. And we've been open and honest about everything. We've put everything out on the table! So it's interesting to see what happens. I'm holding no expectations though.