Any thoughts please?

[polygon]

Where to start?..sorry if this twists and turns but it is quite a complex situation.

 

Preamble

I'm dealing with a situation and starting to make head way but still struggle at times to, well, deal with. I had a partner of 5 years and we went through hell together mainly because of my business and the stress it caused me and how i subsequently handled the stress. she moved in with me some 2 years ago with her kids, they're hard work because their father rejects them and then pulls them in and then rejects them again, especially the eldest who is a male. we met whilst both rebounding from other bad relationships. weve always managed to get through anything that came our way and she stuck by me brilliantly

 

Scenario

I'm divorced and live in a house next door to my ex-wife and children when one of them isnt in uni. At the same time i have a friend qwho lives with me, we met nearly 25 years ago in the army and he was basically thrown out of his home by his now ex-wife. I immediately offered him a home to sort himself out and have never asked him for any money although to be fair he has paid me some over the nearly 4 years he lived with me. about 18 months ago he had a full on breakdown and i remember holding him and comforting him and telling him its all ok, he sobbed unconttrably for hours saying "ive got nothing" i told him hes got me, his mate, his kids, lots of good friends etc. He's also had a fair amound of counselling for what he calls "bad stuff" i mentioned earlier that his now ex wife threw him out, he married her some 16 years ago after walking out on his 1st marriage and then having no contact with his daughter for well over 20 years until she contacted him earlier this year.

 

Whilst we all lived together in what many would agree are very strange circumstances it kinda worked with a few bumps along the way. my partner over the last couple of years has witnessed my friends antics first hand in that she knows about all the skanky women hes had, knows he at one point smoked so much weed to the point of collapse, all his strange tattoo (hes 47 and his latest one is a huge sheriff badge on his chest!!) she know about him going with prostitutes whilst on a business trip to the far east, know how he turned his back on his daughter, shes an anti smoking type too and hated the smell of smoke that would come back in the house with him, i could go on but i think by now you get my drift...he recently had to move back into his marital home to look after his two pot smoking kids whilst his wife went on a 6 month holiday, which she cut short so he was gonna move back into my house,

 

anyhow, im trying not to get too detailed and thus lose ppls interest so here is the crunch, i accepted a contract in security in a country with a civil war in full pelt to earn big bucks to try and put me and my partner back on financial track and it all happened very quickly, the night before leaving we get dressed up and walk hand in hand to a restaurant and had a perfect evening. then made love and hold each other stating our love for each other, wake in the morning and repeat what we did the night before. she was in bits all day and so worried about me, i re-wrote me will to include her and asked my friend to witness and sign it out of trust, which he duly did, i also txt him asking to look after my partner as she seemed so upset.

 

in the first week of me being away i called her on the sat phone and emailed when i could where we would tell each other of our love for one another and how we'll get through this.

 

I get back after being away for 6 weeks to go and see her to find my friend in her house and hes telling me theyve been together for 5 weeks. I know this story will seem a bit gappy but this is the main brunt of it.

 

the first week back i ve reacted in a typical hurt childish man sort of way, wrote letters and emailed but having found this site and read some really interesting stuff i'm now nc as you all seem to call it, i am now in the second day of fixing myself and its hard but am determined to do this and think i have done a lot of growing up emotionally, think ive worked a fair bit of baggage out of my system so feeling more positive.

 

Ive rambled but just wanted to get this off of my chest before going back to badlands for another 6 weeks..

 

By the way, I haven't checked this for spelling and grammer so please don't think I'm a half wit! I just went with the flow of the keyboard and feel if I were to check it I'd spend more time inserting detail which would make this such a long post!!

 

All for now and just want you all to know what a useful and brilliant website this is and I know by visiting here it will make me a better man.

 

Regards to all

[oldenoughtoknow]

Wow, that would be a terrible thing to go through. I would say goodbye forever to your friend. Have you talked to her about this? What's her story? From what you described, she found him repulsive.

[polygon]

I did the usual child/bloke thing like you both deserve each other, you're both dead to me and all that other stuff that men do when they dont know how to handle emotional stuff. then sent an email, then a letter then i found this site and some of the things people have posted really got me thinking and although still hurt i am in a slightly different place. first, if i loved her then i want her to be happy, with or without me. second, learn from this and become a better man and take that into the next part of your life. third, what they have done is down to them and not for me to find answers for. i think i'm a pretty decent bloke, i know i'm a decent bloke. a bloke who made mistakes end of really. but as for him, no, nothing! i feel for my ex as she deserves better than this bloke, but its her choice and hes giving her what she needs and i stopped doing that so thats for me to take on board.

 

its also so effing true that you want something way more when you've lost it, the tirck i think is this, dont lose something you want in the first place!

 

learn, learn, and learn! then employ what you've learnt.

 

bloody hell! just re-read my post and must come accross as an idiot! it actually made me laugh reading it so the therapy of this site is working!!! brilliant!!!