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Ok, I broke NC again. No crying, begging or admissions of love to her.


There was a soccer jersey I gave to her a few weeks before we broke up. It was originally a gift from my older brother when he visted spain. It was too small to fit me and probably never will. She is also a huge fan of the team (Man U) and so I gave it to her as a gift. A couple weeks later she leaves me for the captain of the soccer team. As you all know I totally lost it. I demanded the jersey back from her and wrote some nasty stuff to her about how she didn't deserve it blah blah.


Things have been tense between us and I hated it that way. I have had the jersey sitting in my work desk drawer for months now. I haven't had the heart to bring it home because the it no longer feels like a gift from my brother...the meaning of the jersey has changed. I wrote her an email yesterday. Went something like this (i deleted it so this is a paraphrase):


I decided to give back the Jersey. It was a gift freely given and it was selfish of me to take it back. It doesn't feel like mine anymore and I think you should have it. You can re-gift it if you want or toss it. I only ask this: if you do decide to keep it, please take care of it. This jersey means a lot to me. It's funny how we attach such significant meaning to small items. It's a shame, I never got to see you wear it and that is why I gave it to you. I'm sure you would look stunning in it. I am giving this back to you as a peace offering because I hate the way I acted. You gave me many fond memories and a few of the best months of my life thus far. This is my way of thanking you for that.


Pretty much like that.


I dropped the jersey off on her desk during lunch.


I should have stopped there but you all know how I am.

I sent her another email saying that I hate how things have become between us. I want her to count me as a friend and not an enemy. I would love it if we could talk again, even if it's just light emails with no talk of relationships past present or future. If you choose not to respond i'll respect that and leave you alone. Maybe you need a couple weeks or months and then we can be cool again. Then I told her a little bit about what I have been up to (nothing special). I found a new soccer team (which i did), went hang gliding with my roommate (also true) and other than that i've been working out, cycling and just hanging with friends. Told her about a german beer garden I found in DC (she loves german stuff) and that was pretty much it. Said that I hope to hear from her again but if I don't I understand.


She responded last night at around 10:30.

Thank you for the jersey, it means the world to me. Glad to hear things are going well, I drove by X bar (a new bar that is opening owned by the same place we always went to) that place is going to bring in big money. Golf tournament this weekend, knees not improving almost getting worse (she hurt her knee playing soccer while we were together and it hasn't gotten better yet). Got a promotion, can finally put some fudge on my saltine crackers. My niece turned one.


very short and light email.


Here me on this though: I am not going to be her fall back guy, nor will I be her clingy friend that fights for scraps of her attention. I still haven't responded to her email and I don't know when I should or what I should write. Here is what I plan on doing: I want to establish a dialogue with her for a short amount of time. I'm sure right now she is testing me to see if i'll break down and start acting crazy again. Once I have shown her that I haven't, I am going to become the aloof guy who doesn't pay her any attention. I have no intentions of seeing her outside of work or contacting her all the time. In fact, I plan on cutting contact completely in a short wile. I want to do it after everything is repaired between us so that she doesn't seem me as a crazy guy but a friend/ex she has lost contact with. I know I probably won't get her back this way and I do still want to get her back (of course).


Right now though I would settle for just fixing things and leaving it at that.


What do you all think I should do? I know you are all going to say NC...you are making a mistake. I will go NC but right now I just want to do things the right way and repair what is broken. I'm not going to over-analyze the situation. I didn't think i'd hear from her. I honestly expected to walk into work this morning and find the jersey back on my desk. I expected she'd ignore me for a couple months and then make contact once she got over her anger/hurt/whatever.


I have my psych appointment today and i'm finally going to get on some medication.


weird thing happened last night. I went out with a girl years and years ago. She fell for me MADLY but I never had a spark with her. We were in school at the time and I wouldn't even hold her hand. She told me she loved me and I couldn't return it to her. I eventually dumped her and she lost her mind. I was at a friends house (who i met her through) and we hear a knock on the door. When we open the door there are 5 big ass dudes there calling me out. She seriously called up her guy friends to beat me down for dumping her. The break up split up our group of friends between her and me. I didn't even break up with her in a bad way. I didn't leave her for anyone else. I just didn't feel it. I tried to be her friend afterwards but she managed to guilt me into getting back with her. A month later I called it off for good and I haven't spoken to her since. She dated an aquantiance of mine as a rebound shortly afterwards. He fell in love with her and then she dumped him and broke his heart. She then became a drug addict, met a guy, moved to the midwest, gave up drugs for jesus, got married, had a kid and that was the last I heard of her until last night.


She added me on facebook. We got to talking back and forth on each other's wall. She lives like 15 minutes away from me now and is "painfully single". Told me that she has tried to look me up a bunch of times in the past and admits that things come up every once in a while that remind her of me. She was kind of chubby when we went out but was still an attractive girl. She is smoking hot now. I told her i'd love to meet up, grab a beer and catch up. She said that normally she would say yes but, although she is painfully single, she is also preggers. A kid already and pregnant...deal breaker. I told her I wasn't trying to pick her up, it would just be cool to catch up (totally true..i turned her down a decade ago and have no interest in a conservative, catholic pregnant mom). Just weird to know that I have been on this girls mind for all this time. Hell, I don't think I have thought of her in yeeeeeeeears. Never thought I'd see her again. Who knows, maybe she is jaded and wants to meet up so she can murder me haha. I think i was her first love...she was just a girl to me.

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You're going to get deluged with NC call-to-actions.....and you won't want to hear them. So, do this: Let go with love. Think of it that way --- not No Contact --- letting go with love.


You gave her the shirt, she responded warmly. That is more than enough for now. You cannot fix what was broken in the relationship without first fixing what was broken within yourself. If you persue this dialogue with her, she will think of you as the crazy ex. Since you have to see her at work, and therefore she can see you, be the "new" you that doesn't go crazy over any connection with her.


Let her see the changes in you -- and she may come around. But don't chase her, or "fix" things --- cause you're not in a relationship anymore. What you've already done is enough to allow a bridge to the future. Don't blow it up!

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I hear what you are saying and that's exactly what I plan on doing. It would be nice for her to 'come around' or to build a bridge for the future. I'm not deluding myself though. Nothing was broken in our 'relationship' if you can call it that (I do). She just wasn't able to develop feelings for me in that way, or at least wasn't able to wasn't able to by the time this new guy came around and now she is with him. That is phow things are. I can't win her back over him. My only option would be to wait him out and hope she realizes what I can offer when things break down. That wouldn't be for many months if not years from now. She has gone out with 2 guys before me that I know of (and from what she said that's pretty much all). One guy for 6 years and another guy for 2 months. Both were boyfriends. I wasn't a boyfriend and I firmly believe it was because we are coworkers. It doesn't matter though. If I chose to wait him out i'd be keeping in contact with a girl who doesn't care for me as anything more than a friend and i'd be hurting myself int he process. I know this much. I know that I need to go NC and keep that way.


I plan on letting go with love even though it's very hard to do. I plan on sending another light email to which i'll get a light response. I'll probably send a couple more after that and, when I run out of things to say, i'll just leave it at that and not respond to her. If she contacts me a week or month later to say what's up i'll just play it cool, aloof and act like I was busy. I don't want to act crazy anymore and I want to show her i'm over her (even if it's just an act).


This is a path to gaining back my dignity, self respect and not making the same mistake I did in the past. It's been 2 months since we broke up (as of today; 60 days). It's not too late to salvage this situation but it's too late to ever get another chance and I know that much.

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Let her see the changes in you -- and she may come around. But don't chase her, or "fix" things --- cause you're not in a relationship anymore. What you've already done is enough to allow a bridge to the future. Don't blow it up!


WOW, bad advice, and Deavyin, I see you've already let it light up hope in you. She's not coming back dude, not even if she breaks up with the other guy. That ship has sailed. You have an addictive, needy personality and you need to fix that before you can be in ANY relationship. You're still here looking for any little crumb that will give you hope and thats not healthy. You need to stay no contact unless it's directly related to your job. Keep this up and you'll be back at square one. Do not continue with the e-mails and contact, it just sets you back.

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^ Yup - you gave the jersey back in hopes that she would think you were being sweet and question why she left you. You were trying to be the nice guy.


You are really not ready to be friends with this girl. So dont send another email, or a couple of more after that.


Also, since you are hung up on your ex, try not to drag facebook girl into your world of despair just yet. She will only get hurt. I think she would prefer painfully single over painful rebound. But thats just me

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My only option would be to wait him out and hope she realizes what I can offer when things break down
This is an unhealthy way of thinking. Just imagine yourself if you did "wait the other guy out" and she came running back to you. After what you have been through with her, do you really think you could sleep at night without wondering when she might do it again? As someone else said "this ship has sailed". You need to take steps towards pulling yourself together, and this starts with cutting contact.
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Deavyin, I had a feeling we'd be seeing another "I broke NC" thread from you.


Here's the thing: This time, it went well -- as well as it could have, under the circumstances anyway -- and that is why it is imperative that you don't contact her again, even "lightly" until your emotions are in check.


As George Costanza on Seinfeld would say, it's good to "go out on a high note" -- meaning that it's good to leave things in a positive way, which, with your last e-mail, you've done. She thought the jersey was a nice gesture, and she thanked you. Please, please leave it at that. No more "light" e-mails, no more "catching up" -- because I can guarantee you that you are NOT ready for this. Knowing your pattern as you do, eventually -- and probably pretty soon -- your hurt feelings will take over and you'll feel the need to express them to her again, and you'll be back at square one (or even square MINUS one, possibly). I'm not saying that you're out of control or anything, and I know you're taking steps to deal with some of the issues that make you act impulsively and send the e-mails, texts, etc., but...for right now, while the emotions are still very much on the surface for you -- and they definitely are -- you need to leave this alone. You've left things on a "high note" with her, so go with that and don't continue the dialogue. Again, be cordial at work. If you see her in the hallway, you might smile and say "hi" -- or at least smile and acknowlege her presence -- but no chatting in her cubicle, no e-mails that aren't work-related. This isn't for her, it's for YOU -- a way to maintain a positive atmosphere at work AND gain your confidence back so that someday, maybe, you guys can be friends -- or at least more friendly again -- when you're truly ready, when your emotions aren't ruling your head.


As for waiting the other guy out: Trust me, it's a recipe for disaster. I've done it (even when I denied from here to Sunday that that's what I was doing), and all I did was wait. And wait. And even when the other girl was out of the picture, he still didn't come back for me -- not in any real way, anyway. No pinning your hopes on this, OK? No putting all of your eggs in one very iffy basket.


Hang in there...I hope the psychiatrist is helpful to you today. Keep us posted.

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This is an unhealthy way of thinking. Just imagine yourself if you did "wait the other guy out" and she came running back to you. After what you have been through with her, do you really think you could sleep at night without wondering when she might do it again? As someone else said "this ship has sailed". You need to take steps towards pulling yourself together, and this starts with cutting contact.


Yep, yep, YEP. This is 100% spot on. My ex was dumped by his previous ex and came runnng back to me, and while we were never officially "in a relationship" again, I worried ALL the time that he would go back to her. One of the things that I remind myself of if I feel sad about him is that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone where I'm wondering constantly if they'll leave me for their ex or someone else. If you have to worry about that all the time, the relationship is not worth having.

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Well the psychiatrist was a bust. I made the appointment last week and everything was fine. I show up today and while i'm filling out new patient paperwork they tell me "oh, we made a mistake. We do take your insurance but we don't have a provider here that does...you can pay out of benefits if you want but that's mucho expensive". They turned me away. Talk about depressing.


I hear what you guys are saying. I have no intentions of waiting this guy out because I'll be waiting a verrrrry long time only to find out that she still doesn't want to be with me. My intentions are not to wait him out. I did send her a follow up email. Very short one. I sent it before I read your responses. It just said good luck at the tournament, sorry to hear about your knee...hope it gets better. Congrats on the promotion.


Didn't ask her any questions or even give her an option to follow up by telling her anything about myself.


You guys are right. I have ended things on a high note and I should leave it that way. If she responds to me i'll just delete the email. I'm not going to tell her that i'm going NC with her, i'll just do it. She'll send a follow up email and when I don't respond she won't send another. If I see her in the hallway i'll do my best to smile and act nonchalant. If I run into at the copier i'll say hi and walk away. That's the best I can do.


I'm going to call around tomorrow and see if I can get a new appointment. I have to head into work now so I don't know if I can do it right now.


as for facebook girl. She is a pregnant mom. I told her I wasn't looking to go after her and I don't want to. She is just a girl from my distant past who just randomly came into my life again. I never had feelings for her and I know that I never will. Would be nice just to catch up and chat with her. I don't want anything more than that. I'm too hung up on this girl right now anyway. I'm super hung up on her.

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I thought about this a lot last night and I am in total agreement with you all...I need to go NC right away.


I thought about why it's impossible to be friends with an EX while they are with the person they left you for. Here is what I came up with

1. you will be unable to heal and move on with your life if you constantly cling to whatever crumbs of hope the ex feeds you

2. a couple of months ago we talked all the time, texted and spent everyday together (and every night). Now, when I do get a reply from her it's either angry or very calculated and distant. It's insulting to all of a sudden be treated like some long lost friend. All contact I can hope for now will be very intentionally written by her so that it doesn't include any hope or show any feelings for me. The best I can hope for are 'catch up' emails in which she flippantly tells me what she has been up to recently. It's like talking to some friend you haven't seen in years. Kind of like one of those christmas cards your aunts family sends that tell you what their family has been up to over the past year. I don't want that...i'm not comfortable with that level of access.

3. you might get info on the new relationship and that will only set you back. She'll tell me she went on a cruise, or to visit her family for a weekend and i'll know, in the back of my mind, he was there with her. I don't need that info.

4. Pride. If I keep in touch with her i'll basically be saying this "you left me for another guy and i'm so weak that i'll accept being your back burner guy who waits forever for you to change your mind and take me back. Yes, you CAN have your cake and eat it to".


please, add to this list if you want. I'd love to hear further reasons why you can't be friends with an ex while they are with the person they left you for.


It was the same way with my big ex. It was too hard to remain in contact with her while she was with the new guy. I tried and she tried but it always ended up blowing up in our face. Once she left him, I thought maybe then i'd open up the door for friendship or whatever. I realized, even then, that it didn't feel right. I got exactly what I wanted. I felt vindicated because she was no longer with the guy she left me for AND I was now in a position where I never had to think about them together again and I could do everything in my power not to know about her life so that I would never know if she was/wasn't dating. It made life so much easier for me and until this day, even though it won't bother me to know, i still stay away from that info (and we have a lot of mutual friends still so i could find out).


so here is what I plan to do. My last email was sent in such a way that I didn't really prod her to respond. It was extremely short (like 2 sentences) and flippant. She will respond though. Probably sometime this weekend or early next week. I'm sure it will be a short email again as she is probably still testing the waters to see how i'll react. Here is how I will react: ignore ignore ignore. I'll read the email and then delete it.


Time might go by and she'll ask me why I haven't responded. I need help on figuring out what to do/say then. Should I just ignore any and all emails like that? Or, should I just tell her something like "sorry, I know I haven't responded. I hope you are doing well. Good to hear from you" and just leave it at that.


what do you guys say? I'm over my begging, pleading, crying, arguing stage. I know that LC will hurt me and put me in a position where I don't want to be (the third wheel).

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having that ex from the past contact me via facebook was actually a good thing. It really opened my eyes. Without her contacting me there was a chance i might still be sending out emotional emails trying to manipulate this ex back to me. I have done that in the past and it obviously didn't work out. I only drove my big ex further away and ruined things between us for good (which i no longer care about).


I completely forgot about this girl though. It was so long ago that she just never comes up in my mind. Also, the break up didn't really affect me at all. Sure, she did guilt me into taking her back for a month but after that I just moved on with life and cut her out completely.


Here is why it helped. It gave me objectivity and an understanding of where she is coming from (this current ex). Yes, it still hurts that she rejected me for another guy...it hurts a lot and will take time to get over. However, I remember what it was like to have this ex from the past cling to me. She begged, cried and pleaded with me. She freaked out and told my friends horrible things about me. She tried to get guys to fight me. I tried the friendship thing with her but she would try to manipulate me constantly whenever we hung out. It really drove me away from her and made me think she was a crazy person. It split up our group of friends between her and me and after the second break up I was more than happy to never speak to her again.


I realized that, going down the path i've been on for the past 2 months, will only do the same thing to this recent ex and I don't want that. I also realized that nothing I can do will manipulate her back to me. It didn't work on my big ex when i tried it and it didn't work on me when this distant ex tried it. I know exactly how this recent ex feels when she gets those messages because i felt the same way and i now remember that.


Funny thing is, were this distant ex not to be pregnant, i'd probably ask her out for a drink and see if anything was there. I don't remember why i didn't like her. It had nothing to do with her at all. I just didn't have feelings, enjoyed her as a friend and was at a time in my life where I wasn't looking for a relationship and was too self centered to want to be in one. Also, she came on really strong, told me she loved me after 2 months and all that stuff totally freaked me out. Also, I wasn't entirely into her look then. I had my eye on a few other girls who were smoking hot and I was kind of just interested in the lust aspect and not looking for love. This girl wasn't unattractive at all (she is hot now) but she wasn't exactly my type at the time and I just didn't feel her physically.


I feel bad for her too. It seems like she has gone through a lot. Single mom, divorced and pregnant with no guy in her life. I am not at a place in life where I can deal with all of that baggage. Still, it would be nice to catch up and be friends with her again. Maybe that is my future with this girl. Who knows...at least now I know there is 0 chance i'll ever send another "i miss you so much, you are making a horrible mistake, come back to me" email to this recent ex.

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Also, i know how this is going to go. It was the same way with my big ex. For years we would email and text all day long while we were at work. Super loooong emails. The second we broke up it all changed. She became distant and started sending those super looooong emails to my ex-best friend. Even when I contacted her about bills or shared possessions i would be lucky to get a response the same day. It was totally calculated and a stupid game she was playing. It's the same way with this girl. I send her an email she responds like 10 hours later. I respond 10 hours after that and she waits another day or so to get back to me. That's not a friendship. There was a time just a couple months ago where i'd get a response to ANYTHING within minutes. This new guy is getting instantaneous replies from her and I have to wait days if not weeks to get one. What is the point in that?


Even now i'm waiting for a reply that I know I have no choice but to ignore. I'm still obviously watching a kettle boil and she will get around to responding 'when she feels like it'. Not the way I want things to be. At least I know that now.

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I know you think it's not true, but you are still wayyyyyyy too emotionally invested in this. As in, you're waiting for a reply that you're going to ignore. She is not in a relationship with you anymore.....you, however, are in a relationship with her.


At least you're showing some anger now --- part of the process. But really, just let go.

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Ya - again - leave old ex out of this. You are trying to rebound from your ex into someone elses arms to take the pain away. Unfortunately, it doesnt work.


You and your long ago ex didnt work for a reason. No need to string her along for your confused ride.......

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I agree i'm still emotionally invested in this. Never said that I wasn't. I also admit that i'm waiting for a reply, shred of hope, scrap of emotion. I want to let it go but it's not that easy. I know that I need to stay in NC with her and I need to keep away from all info on her life. That's what i'm trying right now and i hope in time this feeling will fade.

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ibroken. I don't know why people keep saying that i'm trying to string along the old ex. It was like 10 years ago, I have no feelings for her, no interest in her at all. She is a conservatie (even mentions glenn beck on her fb page..i'm uber liberal and hate glenn beck) catholic (she is very religious and puts her favorite book down as the bible while i'm an atheist) single mom who is pregnant.


I have 0 interest in anything romantic with a person like that. I'm not in a place where i'm interested in dating anyone, let alone an ex who is so perfectly wrong for me.

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ibroken. I don't know why people keep saying that i'm trying to string along the old ex. It was like 10 years ago, I have no feelings for her, no interest in her at all. She is a conservatie (even mentions glenn beck on her fb page..i'm uber liberal and hate glenn beck) catholic (she is very religious and puts her favorite book down as the bible while i'm an atheist) single mom who is pregnant.


I have 0 interest in anything romantic with a person like that. I'm not in a place where i'm interested in dating anyone, let alone an ex who is so perfectly wrong for me.

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Deavyin, what are you doing to yourself? You're doing the exact same thing I was doing months ago and I wish I hadn't done. You keep contacting her, with begging, pleading, admitting you love her, and after all the humiliation, you want to build back your dignity.


But guess what? It doesn't work that way, you already acted crazy, you already acted psycho, she already knows (doesn't "think") you are psycho and you overreact. It's okay to act like that, but to her, it isn't. You were the guy who didn't respect her decision, and is STILL acting a little weird. You message her and then say "sorry I haven't replied" after SHE replies? That just SCREAMS confusion. That mindset won't change no matter how much good stuff you do. What's wrong with giving her the jersey you ask? Well now she is going to think that you CAN be friends since you have made "peace", but you obviously need time to heal (hence your cutting-off message). You're dragging this on more than you need to. Now you have her back on Facebook, now you're gonna check her FB, right? Same cycle, over and over, and over, and over, and over again. What are you gonna do now, delete her when you "decide to go NC", act crazy just ONE more time (or maybe TWO more times).


Give yourself a break from her. Emotionally. Physically. Psychologically. Trust me, it's the only way you'll heal. Subconsciously, the only reason you gave her that jersey is because you wanted to prove to her that you had "moved on" and that you're "accepting her decision"--but you aren't. You also admitted that you still have hope but hope doesn't "fade", you have to FORCE it to fade.


You can keep finding hope in the toilet, you can keep finding it in even her "hi's", you'll find it anywhere as long as you want to feed it. In order for that hope to fade, you need to go NC. FORCE yourself. Get a hobbie. Talk to other girls. Talk to your buddies. Do something else. Seriously, you'll hate yourself months from now when you realize you should have stopped long before. I was there. I'm still there. I still hate myself for not doing NC way earlier. That's what the evil breakups do to us.


Preserve the little dignity you have left in her eyes. Let her remember you nicely, don't destroy every good memory she ever had of you.

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I'm going to give myself a break from her...permenantly. I don't have her on facebook again, wouldn't even accept a friend request if she added me (she still has me blocked thankfully).


I don't know if I agree with the whole "once crazy always crazy" thing. She'll get over the way this was handled. I still don't believe she'll ever come back and so i'm slowly giving up hope.


I know that I need to keep away from her and that is why i'm going to switch my posts on ENA from her to other people. No point in going over the same thing again and again. I'm in NC with her now and will stay that way. She isn't coming back and there is no point in overanalyzing the break up looking for clues because it's obvious (she just wasn't that into me).


I'll still hang around here because It does help to read stories of people going through similar situations and I think that I do have some good advice to give (even if i can't always take it myself).

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we both have our opinions on that. I just happen to disagree. This ex from back in the day who contacted me the other day...she handled our break up way worse. I'm over it. Hell i'm going to meet up with her to catch up and i don't think she's crazy. This current ex of mine, she told me about the guy she was with for 6 years. He handled that break up horribly and yet they still talk to this day (they broke up 2 years ago) and I can tell she still isn't over him. She admitts as much but couldn't be with him because he fell hard into drugs etc. She wanted things to work out. He is even a facebook friend of hers and while we were together she would text and talk to him.

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Well she will remember you as a psycho/crazy ex, if you keep acting like one and acting like fine one time, not fine the other time. The most normal you can act is to respect her decision, and you're playing a lot mindgames with her AND worst of all, yourself. Even if she doesn't remember you like a psycho/crazy ex, YOU will remember how crazy you acted with her. The more you talk to her, the more you have to analyze. The more you have to analyze, the least you get over her. That's just the way it works.

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i agree and that is why I said i'm not going to contact her again. I opened up the lines of communication to say, even if it's not entirely true, that i'm moving on and doing ok. If i keep to NC and don't do anything stupid it will end that way and that's for the best.


I do NC for me so that I can move on because any insight into her life is bad for me and I accept that.

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More importantly, why do you care how she remembers you. You shouldn't. Unless you still have a hope of reconcilliation tucked away in the back of your mind. Don't, you've killed any and all attraction and thats a blessing really. You've burnt your bridge so you have no choice but to move on and heal.

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