Sending porn?!

[optimiss]

Hi there,

 

I have a problem that I might need some help with. I am in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend whom I love very much.

Recently, the relationship turned into an LDR.

 

For the longest time since I moved away, he's been talking to me about a bunch of new things that he's been wanting to try out once I came back.

So we started to send each other sexy videos and pictures. We promised each other that when I would come to visit him, we would try out all of these new things. Once I arrived, however, his sex drive was suddenly low and we ended up just cuddling most of the time. I have to admit that I was also on the wrong pill for most of the time and extremely moody. So I started placing a very high importance on sex and I guess he felt pressured a lot of the time.

Whenever we have sex, it's the greatest, most mind-blowing thing in the world. But my boyfriend claims that it's actually not that important to him and that he'd rather want me to be happy than have sex just for me to feel validated.

 

I am quite sure that he is not trying to get with anyone else, but I also have this bad habit of checking his e-mail account every now and then from my computer as I have a massive problem with unreasonable jealousy. So far, though, there had never been anything to worry about.

But since about four weeks into the time I visited him - so during my visit, in other words - he started sending e-mails to an e-mail address that I'm not familiar with and deleting most of them almost immediately. These e-mails are filled with pornographic pictures and videos - much like the ones he would send to me whenever we were both online and in the mood. Only…these pictures and videos aren't for me and some of them include a few of the things that he says he's been interested in for a while and that we didn't get to do for most of the time I was there.

 

And why would he be sending these pictures, but he's not receiving any?

What is that all about? And what can I do, since I can't let him know that I read through his e-mail?

 

I love him very much and I don't want to hurt him. I've been jealous for years, but, to my knowledge, nothing ever happened.

What's going on here?

[jingletruck]

If he's not getting anything back from that email, it's probably a secondary account and he's just using it to transfer porn from one computer to another. Which would also explain why he deletes it after sending.

[optimiss]

But he doesn't have a second computer. Only an iPhone. Do you think he might be transferring porn to his iPhone?

[FathomFear]

You need to stop checking his email. It's extraordinarily disrespectful. Just imagine for a moment if you found out he was doing something like that to you.

 

Either you trust him or you don't. You shouldn't need to spy on him periodically to ease your own mind.

[BellaDonna]

But since about four weeks into the time I visited him - so during my visit, in other words - he started sending e-mails to an e-mail address that I'm not familiar with and deleting most of them almost immediately. These e-mails are filled with pornographic pictures and videos - much like the ones he would send to me whenever we were both online and in the mood. Only…these pictures and videos aren't for me and some of them include a few of the things that he says he's been interested in for a while and that we didn't get to do for most of the time I was there.

 

What kind of e-mail address is it? Web based free e-mail? Or one associated with an ISP that someone would pay a monthly service fee for?

[d24]

send some porn to that address from a random email and see what happens.... the reaction should be quite telling.

[optimiss]

It's a web based free e-mail. It's a very non-descript sounding one with a word and a number. I believe the word is something pornography-related in Japanese.

[hexaemeron]

If there's no actual text messages to these emails (actually speaking to someone else), then I don't think you have much to worry about on the infidelity front. However, your snooping is honestly really lame and you should confess that to him in the interest of being open and honest. Because if you won't be, why should he?

[ToF]

Have you ever sought any sort of treatment for your insecurity and jealousy issues?

 

It sounds as if you have some significant problems with insecurity, and he's growing weary of having to reassure you all the time. Sex may be one of the ways he has to reassure you, and when it's used in that fashion, it becomes a chore for him and is no longer enjoyable.

 

I don't have much to say about the emails. It sounds like those members who know more about computers think that there's nothing to be concerned about, so we'll leave it at that. But I find this "periodic" checking of his email to be very disturbing. However you dress it up, it's snooping. It's an invasion of your boyfriend's privacy and it's not right. As another member astutely pointed out: You either trust him, or you don't. It sounds like you're leaning toward the latter option on this one.

 

You're having issues in the bedroom right now. I know that can be very unsettling, but that's no reason to check up on him like that. If you're having a problem that's causing you THAT much anxiety, then just talk to him about it. Seek counseling. Talk to a sympathetic friend. Or break up. Just don't snoop.

[zaza34]

Checking his emails it s just disrespectful, so stop it!!!

But since you probably weren't checking him for no reason, probably you felt that something is wrong with him, so indeed you found out that something is wrong with him, with your relationship, since he is playing somewhere else... I also had similar experiences, I found out that he was playing on some porn sites, obviously I felt "betrayed" and hurt and we broke up... and I don t regret it...

I just don t think it is right, having a relationship with someone, who is devoted to you, try everything to please you, but you still have to go some place else for more pleasures... I am not against games but if my partner forgets to include me in his games in his fantasies, it means I am not enough for him, he wants something/somebody else...

I think a healthy person would not do that, and you can t fix a sexually frustrated person, you can only get also sick and frustrated because of his "problems", so I would just leave him after clearing things about this porn things, you should just tell him what you found out... and how you found out and try to talk about... see what happens...

[Ariel85]

So, you're certain he's not with anyone, yet you check his email, and find out he's sending porn to someone else, and, when you visited, he had no desire to have sex with you.

 

Am I the only one seeing this for what it is?

[hexaemeron]

So, you're certain he's not with anyone, yet you check his email, and find out he's sending porn to someone else, and, when you visited, he had no desire to have sex with you.

 

Am I the only one seeing this for what it is?

 

There are porn trading communities. Most of them don't do this by email because it's not 1995 anymore, but it still happens. If there's no actual messages in the email, no actual correspondence, there's nothing really amiss here on the infidelity tip.

[optimiss]

There's no doubt I feel horrible about checking his e-mail. I am not trying to defend myself because I know it just makes it look worse. I have been cheated on by someone in a very bad way before and it seems I never recovered from it. This has left me insecure and a little hard to be around at times. My current boyfriend knows that. I am about to finally seek psychological help for it, though, despite the cost.Our relationship is very much worth it, even though it might not exactly look like it from the outside. I really have no reason to suspect anything. I just thought that I finally might have driven him into doing something like that - but I don't think that's the case. Most likely, he just wanted to move porn from his phone to his computer and created that e-mail address himself as sort of an online storage place, since, obviously, he didn't want it to ever appear in the inbox folder of his regular e-mail. He's been very faithful, understanding and a fantastic human being to be around. He almost deserves to be looking at porn every once in a while when I'm not around. And when I was there, he clearly just moved it. I doubt he was looking at it at the time. I just need to learn to be happy with myself, then I'm sure the relationship will get so much better. It's just hard to do, sometimes. Thanks for the advice, everyone. Case closed.