Breaking up so GF can date (and break up with) another guy

[danmam]

I've been dating my GF (we're both 20) for over 18 months now. We rarely fight and are absolutely crazy in love. We both want to spend our lives with each other.

 

However, there is a guy that she had a thing with before we started dating. She never dated him (and so never broke up), which is causing closure issues. 18 months in and it is basically the only issue in our relationship. We are unbelievably happy otherwise.

 

She texts/talks/Facebooks him all the time, and they hung out twice a few weeks ago. She has told me a lot of times that she is over him and only wants to be with me, but last night she was wearing his army tags as a necklace, and we talked about him for awhile. She let me know that she still has feelings for him, and wants them to disappear so that we can be happy together.

 

The only way she can do this, in her mind, though, is to break up with me, and then date and break up with him. So we broke up last night.

 

I don't understand why she can't just stop talking to him. She says this won't work, because he and her rarely talked for a year during our relationship (he was in a long term relationship, and his gf wouldn't let him talk to my gf). But he got dumped, and he and my gf have been in constant contact since then.

 

Question is, how the hell do I handle this? I REALLY really want to be with this girl for the rest of my life. We are as damn close to perfect together as is possible, but this issue is just destroying our relationship.

 

I'm worried that after she breaks up with this guy, she's going to ask herself "what if I had entered the relationship without intention to break up" and will still have questions and it won't fix the problem. Meanwhile, I'm also worried that while she's dating him, I'm going to go through so much hurt that I will want nothing to do with her when she wants to get back together.

 

Thoughts/advice please?

[banal]

That's the most ridiculous argument I've ever heard. She's dumping you, plain and simple. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. If she is this inconsiderate and uncommitted to you, then you absolutely have to leave her behind and be thankful you're only 20 and can find someone else.

 

I mean, just read this one between the lines. It's so insulting. While this "other guy" was in a relationship, your ex was with you. The moment his relationship ended...yours did too. She wants to try him out because she likes him better than you, and she also wants to keep you as a backup safety plan should she be overestimating him. Don't give her that luxury. No contact, and throw her out of your life.

[a_lifters_life]

That's the most ridiculous argument I've ever heard. She's dumping you, plain and simple. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. If she is this inconsiderate and uncommitted to you, then you absolutely have to leave her behind and be thankful you're only 20 and can find someone else.

 

I'm with the above quote.

 

She basically is giving you a cop-out for 'why' you can't be together. See past that all and know YOU can do better!!

[Gymboy]

Stop letting her treat you like a doormat. Would you do this to her? Get rid lad she sounds like such a selfish person.

[iBroken]

Ya - she is only making excuses about why she cant be with you and wants to be with him.

 

Sounds like it was a plan from the get go

[CatsMeeoow]

That's really crazy....

 

She is 1) breaking up with you to pursue another guy but 2) wants to keep you hanging on just in case new guy isn't as great as he appears... In other words she wants her cake and to eat it too...

 

I think that is the lamest excuse I've ever heard. I'm very sorry.

 

Don't wait around for this girl.

[aminaSa]

OMG what an excuse...just get her out of your life,,i understand you really love her but she doesnt seem to love you.She just told you,in other word,I like this guy more then you I want to try it out with him if it doesnt work i will come back to you

 

why would you allow yourself to be such a doormat? you deserve better

[danmam]

I guess I didn't explain the situation well enough.

 

A) This other guy broke up with his gf about 6 months ago. So it's not like she is jumping on him the moment he became available.

 

B) She is honestly doing this because she wants, in the end, me and her to be good together. I know from your perspective it seems like this isn't the case, and she's a selfish b**ch, but just trust me on this one, she's not doing this to keep me as a backup plan. She says she knows the relationship with this guy would never work. And she says her only goal with this dating him thing is to get rid of him as a problem in our relationship. The end goal is her and me happy together. And I am not a very trusting person, but I trust her on this.

 

This isn't a situation of her just dumping me because she wants to be with him more. Although it may sound like that from what I wrote, please just trust me that's not the case. She wants us together too much.

[a_lifters_life]

That B) doesn't even make sense. If she really wants to ultimately be with you THAT bad, she would tell the other guy that she doesn't see that with him. This is a situation where she needs to WOMAN up.

[iBroken]

Why do you have this thread up if you are so sure?

 

The fact that you are writing about this means you are doubting things......

[banal]

A) She's been communicating with him since he and his ex had broken up. I'd put good money down that they've been scheming about this for quite a while.

 

B) I am sorry for you. I really am. I've been in this situation before, where love had allowed me to be easily deceived by my girlfriend. You sound like a good guy, and you deserve so much better. You'll just have to find this one out the hard way.

 

I guess if you're this convinced, and why wouldn't you be, you're hopeful, then you just sit back and wait for her to never come back to you. You get to suffer through all of her "confusion" about being in love with you still but having feelings for him. You get to suffer through all of the anguish of her broken promises and your dead dreams. You get to suffer through her attempt to "find peace" with you and him. You may even get to suffer through another cliche, like dating this guy has made her realize that she has to "find herself" and that she's "not ready to be tied down."

 

Could you imagine putting someone you loved through this? NO, I cannot, and it's because she does not love you like you think she does.

[stillstunned]

This is insane really. She sits around wearing his dog tags, constant communication, and now she has your permission to go sleep with this guy. She needs to date him to get rid of him? What is that nonsense??? She wants to screw around with him but wants you to hang around waiting.

 

You don't need to believe any of us, but that's what is happening. You don't need to date someone to get rid of them. She thinks by dating him she'll get over any left over feelings? If she has left over feelings that are that strong, she doesn't care all that much about you. The 6 month emotional affair they've been having is about to turn physical and you've given the whole mess the green light.

 

You need to move on. Get your own closure and dump her.

[metrogirl]

What a crock of baloney. I had to read what she said a few times to really get my mind over it. She says that she has to date him to forget him, NOOOOOOOOO she wants to date him to forget about you.

 

Granted she doesn't have a lot of experience under her 20 year old belt however it doesn't take much experience to have the mindset to know that if she wants to truly be rid of him, then you just stop talking to him. You don't breakup with someone you love to date someone you want to forget to go back to the one you love. Wow, I'm dizzy from all of this now.

[Pure Beef]

Well, if I was to write this down about myself, and you were to read it, how would it look to you?

 

It sure looks like she is playing you and let you down in a strange way.

[Eocsor]

Wow dude, you are in total denial about whats happening here. You need to wake up and smell the coffee. She is DUMPING YOU plain and simple. Shes not doing this for you, shes doing this to get with him and keep you as a backup plan in case it doesn't work out. That has to be one ofthe most manipulative things I've ever heard of. Run far and fast away from this girls. She is evil, pure evil.

[elcie]

Think about this for a moment!

 

Your girlfriend is prepared to hurt you so that she can find out what she feels for this other guy!!!!!!!

 

This is the way she deals with this? You are coming a poor second in this relationship. She should be putting you first!

 

Have the strength to say NO! and see how she reacts. You will soon find out how much she truly loves and respects you!

[DN]

She wants to hurt you so she can date him and then hurt him by going back to you.

 

Hmmm, sounds like a keeper to me.

[Huntress0527]

Plain and simple- she's just not that into you. She dumped you.

 

If she was truly happy with you she wouldn't want another guy. Her reasoning is most def a cop out to get out of the relationship guilt free.

[annie24]

Ugh, completely insane. Forget her for good. she does not love you. this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

 

Think of it like this - in a long term marriage, you will occasionally meet other people and you might be interested. however, because you love your spouse, you do not dump them to chase after a crush and run back to your spouse when it's over. Sorry, neither of you is ready to be together forever. I think your ex-gf realizes that. Get on with your life and find someone better for you.

[guynextdoor]

This girl is a whack job, GTFO!

[Glowguy]

I don't throw this term out often, but you ex is a sociopath who has no regard for anyone's feelings. You need to wake up and I imagine you'll get a harsh reality check pretty soon. Please don't waste any time trying to pursue this woman. Cut her out of your life and don't look back. She is being incredibly cruel here. I think this takes the cake for the worst break up story I've read on this board.

[ToF]

So what happens if she ends up NOT wanting to break up with this guy?

[Benville]

She is 1) breaking up with you to pursue another guy but 2) wants to keep you hanging on just in case new guy isn't as great as he appears... In other words she wants her cake and to eat it too...

 

All that needs to be said. Don't let yourself be used. Walk away.

[regular joe]

This girl is a whack job, GTFO!

Yep agreed. Dude, Grow a set and tell her this is in no way acceptable. She needs to chose between you or him. I think though it's time to find someone else, it sounds like she already has.

[KatAstrophy1607308539]

Wow...just when I thought I'd heard it all. OP, you're so trusting it almost brings me to tears. You must really love her to actually allow her go ahead and do this, believing it's in your relationship's best interest. You almost see it as a sacrifice of her part...like she's taking a bullet for your ultimate happiness. You're young, naive and in love. The majority of people replying to your thread are most likely a lot older and wiser. Take their comments seriously. Your gf's excuse definitely takes the biscuit.

 

Having said that, I also believe that strange things happen in life. Please let us know if things work out as she's planned. Surprise us. Shock us. Perhaps we may have to eat humble pie. I doubt it. But stranger things have happened!