bf of 18months broke up with me out of the blue

[carrie8484]

Hi, im new to posting on here but have been reading the forum since my ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago

We started going out a year and a half ago. He's 4 years younger but seemed so mature. im 27, hes 23. I live in a city centre apartment, when we officially started dating he contributed towards my rent because he lived with parents but would spend 3-4 nights a week at my place, I never asked for money but he would always offer. We both work full time but are not earning great wages.

 

( Also, We couldnt go to his parents place anyway, as they are funny about having gfs/bfs staying over)

 

Things seemed to be going well, we never argued, we had so much in common, he bought be a kitten for god's sake etc etc etc. This guy used to text me 40-50 times per day (without me initiating it) and would want to see me every day unless I said I was busy.... the fact he was so keen and now has ended it makes me even more confused. he's a completely different person now.

 

He went to his sisters wedding abroad 3 weeks ago and when he came back he was like a stranger to me. He said being away had made him realise certain things were making him so unhappy at home. I asked what, he said the money, he said he has no money to enjoy himself, he has things he wants to see and do while he's young and he cant do any of that at the moment. I told him if he had told me earlier, I would not have accepted his support, I would have managed my bills on my own until my contract ended and he could have started saving towards these things he wanted to do. He said he needs to be on his own for ''the next few months'' to get himself sorted out. I am struggling because I miss him so much and feel like all this is my fault. If I had known sooner I could have at least suggested he stopped helping me financially and see if, by taking the money issue away, he wanted to stay in the relationship. He told me he was not unhappy with me at all, just the fact he doesnt have any money for himself.

 

Im trying to go no contact but he has some expensive things at mine - a ps3, a big tv, clothes. The only contact ive had from him is a couple of texts asking when he can collect it. Ive replied,been cool, suggested a day, then he's not been able to come and keeps asking to re arrange, setting back the NC further.

 

I want him back, Ive not begged or gorvelled or anything, but im in so much pain because I miss him so much.

I cant quite understand why he just dropped our relationship like this. I was never pushing for commitment, I like my own space, but I feel maybe he felt trapped by me and I wish I could explain he had no reason to. I just wanted us to have a regular bf/gf relationship, not make him feel like he had to support me all the time.

 

I dont know what to do

I live on my own and its very difficult

[LaceWing]

This is just a guess....but I was reading "Act like a woman, Think like a man" yesterday, and there was a fair bit mentioned about men needing to feel fulfilled and successful. That if a man does not feel he is able to provide for himself, for those he loves, that he will feel like a failure and nothing else will matter more to him during that time, than focusing on improving this aspect.

 

Now I'm not a man, so to my female mind this sounds alien and non-sensical, but it sounds as if your ex is going through this type of "caveman" situation. He's feeling down because financially he's not where he wants to be, and so he feels like he needs to be free to get himself back to feeling successful again (ie holding onto what resources he has, and bettering himself).

 

If this is the case, I would say don't take it personally. Give him the space he needs, and in the meantime focus on making you happy. Easier said than done I know when your heart is broken and nothing seems to make sense, but if this man loves and cares about you, when he feels he is able to properly provide for himself (and for a woman in his life) he'll come back.

 

I would take this seriously. Men's egos seem to be attached to their jobs/careers/money. To women, the relationship comes first, and no matter how dire, we want to hold onto it, believing we can make it work out. Men don't necessarily seem to think that way. If they feel like failures in themselves, and if they feel like they can't make a woman happy...they withdraw and need to focus on themselves.

[bunny45]

From what you said it sounds like he has some life decisions to make.

 

I wouldn't take it personally.

 

Offer support to him. Let him know if he needs something you'll be there.

[carrie8484]

Thanks for both your suggestions

I was reading an extract from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and was reading about the 'elastic band' effect - Men needing to pull away to full stretch to fulfill autonomy before they can come springing back to intimacy. Id like to believe this is true, but at the moment I have little hope he will come back.

I was also reading an extract from 'how to make anyone fall in love with you' about equality in a relationship and how if the relationship is unbalanced in certain aspects eg money, love, etc etc it at some point it needs to be balanced out for the relationship to survive effectively. He has done more for me than I have done for him - I cant offer him any financial support at the moment but I would do my best to in the future. This is too late now though!

He wants to collect his PS3 and some other stuff tonight - another set back to NC

[Eocsor]

Well I'm a guy and that sounds like someone trying to let you down easily. If a guy really wants to be with you he will. The whole "I need to be alone for a few months to find myself" is a load of crap usually. Just means he's not that into you. Ship him his stuff and be done with it.

[endy]

Yup Eocsor is right IMO. Either something happened when he was away, or he just doesn't feel the relationship anymore. It's nothing that you did honestly. You did fine in the relationship. Do NOT think it's your fault. A relationship does need balance. You might want to read the passion trap as well if that other book interested you. Don't look at yourself as not good enough. Don't look at yourself as not worthy enough either. You are worthy of someone that will treat you much better.

 

Oddly enough as he may be mature for a 23 year old, he still probably doesn't have much experience in relationships. He may have other issues as well. All you need to do is accept that it wasn't meant to be and move on. You'll find something just as good and if not better. Just don't get down on yourself. You may want to read (you can heal your life) by louise hay also. If you're a reader I would read those two books.

 

It's never one person's fault a relationship ends so please don't get down on yourself. It's normal right now as you are just going through the abandonment/grief stage. You'll get through it. If you're having a hard enough time getting over it you can also read... the journey from abandonment to healing by susan anderson.

 

I've read the last two, and touched on the passion trap. Any one of them is going to help you understand more about relationships, why they end, and to work on yourself.