I cannot trust my boyfriend, what do I do?

[MsYumYum]

I am in a slight pickle when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend Adam. We have been dating for a little over a year now and everything is superb. He treats me well, takes care of me when I am feeling down, spends time with me. But there is one thing that every relationship thrives on and that is trust. Ever since the beginning of our relationship he would always lie to me about the small, asinine things that would normally be the last thing that requires a lie. Example: My mother was wanting to give this teenage guy named Dylan $10 for helping her out of the store with her groceries. She asked Adam, my boyfriend, to run the money back into the store to give to Dylan. Instead he pockets the money himself and tells us that he did what he was asked. About 3 days later the whole story unravels and the "truth" comes out. He says that while he was just going to borrow the money and pay Dylan back next paycheck, that way he could buy himself McDonalds. Anyways, back to the point, I have caught him in many, many lies. Whether it is straight up lying to my face or hiding things behind my back. What should I do? I feel I just can't trust him anymore and he can't win that trust back. And I feel that if he can lie about the small stuff, he must also lie about the bigger things as well. Is lying a deal breaker, especially so early on? Or should I let him redeem himself and fight for my trust?

[Stay_home]

She asked Adam, my boyfriend, to run the money back into the store to give to Dylan. Instead he pockets the money himself and tells us that he did what he was asked. About 3 days later the whole story unravels and the "truth" comes out. He says that while he was just going to borrow the money

 

People on drugs usually do things like that.

[Dionys]

"He treats me well, takes care of me when I am feeling down, spends time with me." You know you can find these things with someone who doesn't lie to you.

 

It is really insulting and disrespectful of your bf to just manipulate and control the situation by lying to you. It's basically communicating to you, whether you know it or not, that he thinks you're a bit stupid. Clearly, intellectually you're not, since you notice all his little lies and scams, but you could be mistaken for being so because you continue to put up with this.

 

You are right: relationships are built on trust. It seems that he is smart enough to know that just as long as he fulfills your needs in other areas, that if you ever call him on his lying, he will list off all the times he did A, supported you with B, and said C when you needed to hear it. Those are all really bad and rocky foundations for a relationship.

 

You could talk to him and have it out with him and he can beg to change his crooked ways. However, the horrible thing about lying is that it is so easily done and it is just so tiresome to check. It also causes a lot of damage that takes a long time to rebuild.

 

I'm completely speechless that you're asking if lying is a dealbreaker. Okay, there are many types of lies. Let's say that he lied to you to protect you from some perceived harm, then that wouldn't be so bad and 'understandable', but taking money that your mother entrusted him with and then just sauntering off and use it to buy a McDonalds...that is downright devious and corrupt.

 

You need to look at the kinds of lies he tells and what he gets out of them. He sounds very selfish to me, and like most liars, has his own agenda, and you're just a prop in the process.

 

Imagine if you married this guy because you 'love him' you would one day have to take on board that he is just a compulsive liar (some liars just get so used to with what they can get away with that they don't feel right doing things by the book like the rest of us. In fact they think we're stupid) and that you'll have kids one day and he'll be teaching your kids bad morals--THE WORST thing that can happen.

 

I sense that you're very smart, but regarding him, you need to wake up.

 

Dump him.

[nutbrownhare]

Get yourself out of this relationship.

 

Whether or not he's telling lies about big things at the moment is immaterial; the way things stand right now is that you can't be confident in anything he says or does. A constant diet of this sort of thing will keep you really off-balance and is crazy making in the long run. You can rationalise every single incident and say that they're nothing much, but as Dionys says, sauntering off with your mother's money instead of giving it to the lad who had really deserved it - is devious and corrupt. It tells you a lot about him right there. The other thing is that every single incident is just a small part of a much bigger, very worrying picture.

 

Years and years ago I had a three year relationship with someone who used to lie a lot; I used to tell myself I was making a fuss about nothing, but I wasn't. It was an experience which affected my relationships with men for many years afterwards (luckily they were trustworthy after him); I found myself mentally measuring everything a guy would say with stuff he'd told me previously - to see if the stories tallied - and this is not a way to be intimate with another person.

 

So, to answer your question - yes, repeated lying IS a dealbreaker. There's no way he's going to try to win your trust, as he's doing very well without it. Be grateful that you've come to this realisation very early on, before this guy causes you really serious problems.