Do I have an obligation to my mom?

[DogsAreLove]

So for the past... my entire life, lol, my mom has been driving me nuts but it's really escalated in the past few weeks. I have depression and she just doesn't get it, she doesn't get why I need to be on medication and thinks that I can think my way out of it. I just graduated from university on Saturday and she drove me nuts the whole time. She was being very controlling and wouldn't let me open my presents and then she changed her mind etc etc. She treats me like a child.

 

Today I got a job offer. It's enough money for me to move out on my own and start my own life which I have been dying to do but I had to deal with university. She pressured me into going to university, I never wanted to, I changed my major 3 times, and ended up taking an extra year to graduate because I was so lost the past 5 years. She told me that I'd never make it on my own and I shouldn't move out because she needs me to support her. She says she can't get a job because she's 66 years old and no one will hire her. I'm 22 so we don't see eye to eye on basically anything.

 

Do I have an obligation to live with her and support her? She's using university as an excuse, like I have to pay her back. The reality is that up until June 2010, she was getting ALL of my paycheques from work. They went in HER bank account. I finally got fed up and opened my own account that she has no access to (I got yelled at every day about how "stupid" I was for opening my own account because hers has senior's benefits, but seriously I don't even care I'll pay the $1 bank fee lol).

 

I really want to move out as soon as possible because I can't take her belittling me anymore. Even my boyfriend noticed that she treats me like I'm a child. She guilts me into staying though because I feel obligated to pay her back for my tuition, which I sortof did, and on top of that I never wanted to do university I wanted to go to college for something I was actually interested in.

 

What would you do?

[gingerlemon]

I also have an extremely troubled relationship with my mother. What I would do is to move out so that you can take control of your own life and get rid of the daily 'hassle'. This will also enable you to make decisions that are purely yours and that you can 'own', in both good and bad. What I would consider, though, is to keep supporting her financially at some kind of reasonable level, just because you are her daughter and she has invested a lot in you (even though she could have done it in better ways, by the sounds of it). I personally feel that obligation after everything my mother has invested in me, even though I'm not able to contribute emotionally towards our relationship in the sense that is usually thought of thought of as 'normal' in a child-parent relationship.

[DogsAreLove]

Oh and she also threatened to start charging me to live at home (which she knows I don't want to live at home anymore). I'm like "so why don't I just move out then?" her response? "Why make someone else rich when you can give ME the money!"

like

woman.

seriously.

[DogsAreLove]

Thanks. Yeah I was thinking of moving out and giving her like, several hundred dollars per month. She even asked me to get my new jot to directly deposit my cheques in HER bank account. I don't think so!

[Circe]

I think you'd better move out quick smart before you risk this doing more damage to you. You have a responsibility to care about your mother, but no - I don't think that translates to living with her and supporting her by giving her all your money. I take it she gets some sort of pension from the government?

[alli]

She contradicted herself when telling you to stay. She said both that you need her, and also that she needs you. If you can make it through a four year university and graduate, I see no reason why you wouldn't be able to maintain your own apartment. I'm not really sure how it is even possible that you financially supported your mom while going to school. It's not like you had a full time, high paying job for the past 4 years.

 

I do think it's time that you move out & get your own place. I'm not sure how she has managed to survive financially without a job all this time. I'm sure Walmart hires 66 year olds. I would imagine she is collecting social security or will start soon if she isn't already.

 

What do your student loans look like? I suppose if you felt really guilty you could buy her some groceries when you move out, like once a month or so. But remember that whatever you do becomes expected and she will become dependent on you for it, so it might be best not to.

[catfeeder]

I'd move out and make only small payments to her until you've established an emergency fund that can support you in hard times. Really, the last thing you'll want to do is set yourself up for the kind of financial hardship that could force you to move back into Mom's home.

 

Don't bite off more than you chew by obligating yourself beyond what is realistic or practical. You still need to LEARN what that means rather than assume it prematurely. If your gut gets troubled, consider seeing an attorney about what is fair and reasonable, and possibly even taking over any outstanding loans for your schooling--you could be surprised by how small those payments likely are.

 

It's a parent's job to give their children both roots and wings. The roots are never the hard part. Spread your wings, behave ethically toward Mom, and you could find that over time she'll pipe down and learn that the best way to have a good relationship with you is to be respectful and supportive. No need to fight with her about that, just reward her with attention and time when she demonstrates efforts, and retreat without a word when she's manipulative.

 

Come here as often as you need to if your private compass starts to feel wobbly. You're a good person, and that's a foundation nobody 'gave' to you or can take away.

 

Head high.

[catfeeder]

PS. Mom is likely to 'act out' in response to your move. Don't fight with her, just do your best to give her a pass. She might cross some lines of what's forgivable--best to write it off as empty nest insanity. Don't take the bait.

[DogsAreLove]

Thanks so much for the responses!

 

My mom gets her own seniors/retirement pension or whatever and she's the primary owner of the house so she's fine financially I guess?

I worked through university out of guilt mainly lol, and all my cheques went to her bank account (it was in my name too but it's not like I had any control, she'd yell at me every time I'd buy something). The jobs I had weren't very high paying but I did a lot of waitressing and for the past while I've just been giving her my entire paycheques but keeping my tips. I'm sure I've given her thousands at this point. I never kept track so I don't even know how far along I've paid off my university debt to her.

 

Today out of nowhere she told me again that I was crazy for wanting to move out and that I'll never be able to. She also wants me to wait until I'm 25 so my car insurance will be cheaper. She's just finding excuses of why I'd be completely broke and a total idiot if I moved out. I don't think I will... my new job pays well, it's a steady paycheque and I think I'm very mature and responsible.

 

Don't most parents kick their kids out of the house by my age??? lol

[BriarRose]

Is she still paying a mortgage? If so, her pension may not cover all her expenses. I'm not saying it's your responsibility, just that at some point we all have to deal with the aging parent issue and it can get complicated.

 

If her home is paid for, you should feel more peace of mind that she will be okay financially. Does she have any serious health issues?