Neutron Star Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'm in my late 30s and have been turned down for 2nd dates time after time. It's usually along the lines of 'I had a good time but...'. I'm nervous during dates and I'm certanly not nearly at my best. I've told a few of the women that I was nervous and the response is generally unsympathetic. One even told me she never gets nervous. Others spend a lot of time bashing exes and telling me how easily they get dates and I try to steer the conversation somewhere else, but it isn't easy. It's tough interacting with someone new. You don't know what they will find funny or not and you don't want to offend them and seemingly innocous stuff has offended a couple in the past. I try to get the conversation focused on her as much as possible, but they often give non answers or one word answers. I'd like to relative move somewhat slowly physically because sleeping with someone I don't know is very unappealing. Maybe this is a fault of mine, given that many guys want to sleep with her as quickly as she will let them and maybe expect you to move quickly. I'm in a big city so I think there would be someone out there for me, but noting but frustration so far. There's nothing wrong with me physically, I make a decent living and live in a very nice part of town. How do I get past the first date? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForumGuy Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 All you can do is make sure you are clean, smell good, and above all.....be yourself. Don't put on an act for anyone or try too hard to be what you think they want you to be. Also, don't talk about them, as in asking question after question about them, they will give you the info if and when they are ready. Talk about mutual interests such as movies, excercise, music, or whatever you know to be of interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumper11 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 You have to just be more comfortable with yourself As soon as I do that, I attract a lot more people.. the guy I am with now, the night I met him, I didn't think much of what could happen, I approached him, danced with him, and left to go back to my friends, and left, not thinking much of it. But had I thought too much of it, and stuck by his hip all night, I bet I wouldn't be with him right now. And got a text the next morning, and then we started going on dates, I just acted myself.. It also helps if you really like these girls. I've met people I am not all that interested in, and in turn makes me 'off'. I'd rather be nervous as hell than be boring because I am bored. lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I do try too hard sometimes and I wonder if I'm so nervous that I'm sweating which can affect smell in a negeative way, event though I took a shower and such right before. I do try to talk about common interests, but I don't know her well so I don't necessarily know what interests we have in common without asking. The amount that I've been turned down leaves me questioning myself and it's not easy to that comfortable with myself. I wonder what is wrong with me. Why can't I get a second date? Will I be perpetually single? I fight these thoughts but it is a continual struggle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumper11 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I know its hard but you have to let go of that mindset.. it's when you worry things go wrong. When I worry too much about my relationship things go wrong. I know its hard talking to new dates.. sometimes it can be awkward, etc.. it's when you relax everything comes around. . Lots of people worry they are sweating, or hot, that's normal. It's just nerves and hormones. Maybe it's what I learned from my last relationship but I am learning to let go and if someone wants you, they will, all you can do is be yourself.. its too hard to keep a facade up, or worry so much. If someone doesn't like me enough its seriously their loss. All I can do is do what I can to be interested/support the relationship or date/and be there. Once you think you're good enough, you will get dates, not be single, and get what you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 It's nice to hear being nervous is normal. I want to relax and I can once I've known someone for awhile. How do I relax around new people? It feels like I have to revrse the order of things. I can list many great things about myself, such as loyalty, honesty, good at my job, nice place to live, good relationships with family, good quality friends, etc. However, dating is not one of those areas. How can I feel I'm good enough at something which I've done terrible at so far? How do I get out of this spiral? I don't know if there is a simple answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melting Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I don't think the problem here is you. I am extremely shy and some of my dates have been very awkward, but now I realise that its more of a compatibilty thing, then my insecurities or doubts about myself. When I go on a date with the "right" person for my personality, I shine and my awkwardness disappears. I am always extremely nervous before a date, but being with a person who matches you, will make this quickly go away. All you can do is be YOU, be happy with who you are and the right date will come along, who will appreciate you for whom you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tresqua Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 You're in your late 30s.. at this point nervousness oughta be at a minimum. Women want calm, strong, confident guys, not someone who sits there sweating and apologetic. The woman accross the table has probably had many bad dates before you and is probably getting tired of the dating scene and looking for red flags, and you are waving them. Nervousness equates to desperation, and that equates to "why can't this guy get a date?". Date less attractive chicks to get your game on, get better deoderant and consider asking your doc for a short acting anti anxiety med such as xannax. Pop one of those suckers and you'll just kick back without a care in the world and then over time you will hopefully not need the meds anymore because you'll be comfortable with the whole dating thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I don't think the problem here is you. I am extremely shy and some of my dates have been very awkward, but now I realise that its more of a compatibilty thing, then my insecurities or doubts about myself. When I go on a date with the "right" person for my personality, I shine and my awkwardness disappears. I am always extremely nervous before a date, but being with a person who matches you, will make this quickly go away. All you can do is be YOU, be happy with who you are and the right date will come along, who will appreciate you for whom you are. I can only hope you are right. If she wants the date to succeed, that can do a lot to calm me down in a hurry. If she's a bit awkward, that gives me some breathing room and time to calm down. I do feel deep down I have much to offer, but I know I only have 30-60 minutes. I'm wondering if a dinner or activity date might work better than a quick coffee date. I'd have more time to relax. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tresqua Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'm wondering if a dinner or activity date might work better than a quick coffee date. I'd have more time to relax. Dinner isn't a good idea for a first meetup, because more often than not one or both parties will be disappointed for any number of reasons, deceptive profile "advertising" being top of the list. Who wants to commit that sort of time and expense to an unknown? What sort of activity can you do on a short first meetup? Miniature golf comes to mind, I guess you can burn off the anxiety by swinging the club but that's about all that comes to mind. Oh, maybe laser tag? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 You're in your late 30s.. at this point nervousness oughta be at a minimum. Women want calm, strong, confident guys, not someone who sits there sweating and apologetic. The woman accross the table has probably had many bad dates before you and is probably getting tired of the dating scene and looking for red flags, and you are waving them. Nervousness equates to desperation, and that equates to "why can't this guy get a date?". Date less attractive chicks to get your game on, get better deoderant and consider asking your doc for a short acting anti anxiety med such as xannax. Pop one of those suckers and you'll just kick back without a care in the world and then over time you will hopefully not need the meds anymore because you'll be comfortable with the whole dating thing. If what you are saying is true, I'm in real trouble. I don't come off as calm, strong, confident when I first meet someone. This may explain the coldness I've seen when I've told a couple of the women I was nervous. Once I get to know someone, I become calmer, stronger and more confident. If they turn me down after a 30-60 minute date, I'll never get to know them. They may well be thinking 'why can't this guy get a date', though it's hard to tell. Some guys just seem to know all the right things to say, but I'm happy if I can say a few of the right things. I could certainly use something to calm me down, whether it comes from the inside or the outside. Rexlaxed without a care in the world, even for a few minutes, is like a dream to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tresqua Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I could certainly use something to calm me down, whether it comes from the inside or the outside. Rexlaxed without a care in the world, even for a few minutes, is like a dream to me. You just described xannax to a "T". Ask your primary care doc for an Rx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 xanax I think is a bit much, but I'm finding a lot of less drastic things can be taken to calm someone down. I'm not much of a drinker but possibly a small drink could calm me down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sugarfree1 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Could the problem possibly be in the type of women you are asking out? You describe them as all being kind of aloof and they sound a little stuck up, for example "...Others spend a lot of time bashing exes and telling me how easily they get dates..." sounds rough. Maybe you could try asking out someone outside of your 'type' and see if that could be the issue? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dionys Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 NS, I suggest you take a break from dating, because it seems as though it is not working out. From what you've written, it appears you are lacking the skills, and as another poster wrote: you need to ''get your game on''. It doesn't matter if you are OK physically i.e. not overweight or have a good job. A woman will always be attracted to a man who acts like he is in control of the situation, who could even be steering conversation. And as it's popularly noted: what you say actually forms a very small percentage of communication. It's how you say it i.e. tone and your body language that conveys more to a person than words. It's the non-verbal signs. Since I've suggested you take a break from dating, in place of that I'd suggest that you join more activity groups where there is less emphasis on dating/romance, but on meeting people. I think as you build more confidence over time by interacting with many women on a friendly premise, over a prolonged time (or whenever you're ready) you won't feel so nervous when speaking to a woman, one-to-one, in a date-like setting. Dating can be horrible at times, just like an interview! Simply stop doing something you're not at ease with at present, drop down a gear, get your game on (haha) and then work your way back up until ladies are falling over themselves to be with you! Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenrebellion Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Keep the first date short, 45 minutes max, meet at a coffee shop or something as others have stated. Have a couple of interesting stories about yourself that present you as a social confident person. Pretend like she's someone you've known for 20 years, like your best friend. Would you be all formal with your best friend or be casual and relaxed....instead of "Hi, how are you doing?" say something like "Hey! What's new with you?" If you put yourself in this mindframe and treat them like you've known them your whole lives, the conversations will be more relaxed, less formal, and less interviewish in style. Plus your nerves will go down, because you'll have more of a concrete plan for the date, which will create confidence and calm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Could the problem possibly be in the type of women you are asking out? You describe them as all being kind of aloof and they sound a little stuck up, for example "...Others spend a lot of time bashing exes and telling me how easily they get dates..." sounds rough. Maybe you could try asking out someone outside of your 'type' and see if that could be the issue? I don't have a type. I look for ones that are the least likely to do this, but it keeps happening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 I'm already in my late 30s. I only have so much time left. I'm almost 40 and in just over a decade it will be 50. I can not and will not take a break from dating. I take a break for several years and I'll be into my 40s. I will do what you suggested, but in addition to, not instead of, dating. I don't have game and don't get why dating needs to be a game. I try to have some control, but it just doesn't work out that way. I hate that she ends up with control but I don't know what I can do. She sometimes has several dates in a week but I don't have that luxury. I wish we both had some control in a more or less equal amount, but that's not how it's gone. I'm not good at all at reading body language. I wish I could do it, but 98% of men and about 100% of women can do this better than I can. I just need one good woman to like me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dionys Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 You're a guy, though. Even if you were a woman I'd reply with "So what if you're in your late 30s" It doesn't matter. As for the phrase "get your game on" it doesn't refer to playing games in such a black and white fashion; look at the phrase as though it means 'dating skills'. Reading your response, it comes accross as rather too eager, as though you want a partner no matter what. While I won't call it desperation I sense that you are a little blinkered in your quest to find a mate. Perhaps that is what comes through during your dates: 'that you just need one good woman to like you' That attitude, which I'm sure most of your dates pick up, can be a little insulting to most women. Women like to feel special, that you find us attractive because of some specific character or because of the quality of interaction over time. If we sense that you'd just settle for any woman, it kind of makes us question your judgement and whether you view us a breeding machines; it certainly does not give off a good impression. I'm curious: what kind of women do you find attractive and with what type do you usually end up going out on a date? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tresqua Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 I'm already in my late 30s. I only have so much time left. I'm almost 40 and in just over a decade it will be 50. I can not and will not take a break from dating. I agree. You need to date MORE not less. Forget about the failures and just keep doing it. Try to be somewhat introspective and think where you can make improvements in your style. I don't have game and don't get why dating needs to be a game. That's part of your problem right there. Dating is a "game" because you cannot be completely honest in the hour or less you make that first impression because you're competing with countless others who want the same thing you do in a rather limited pool of available attractive women. It's not "lying" so much as "accentuating the positive" and downplaying the negatives. After you get to know each other better, you can relax a bit and show more of yourself, the good AND the bad. for example, if are together 6 months you might say "Ah, I just let one rip, stand by for impact!". Try that on a first date and see how far that gets you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 Keep the first date short, 45 minutes max, meet at a coffee shop or something as others have stated. Have a couple of interesting stories about yourself that present you as a social confident person. Pretend like she's someone you've known for 20 years, like your best friend. Would you be all formal with your best friend or be casual and relaxed....instead of "Hi, how are you doing?" say something like "Hey! What's new with you?" If you put yourself in this mindframe and treat them like you've known them your whole lives, the conversations will be more relaxed, less formal, and less interviewish in style. Plus your nerves will go down, because you'll have more of a concrete plan for the date, which will create confidence and calm. I've enjoyed activity dates more. Coffee dates are not very exciting to me. I do have some interesting stories that I have ready which is one thing I have going for me. I often get caught with questions like what are you doing this week right after they tell me how they have multiple things planned almst every day of the week. I can't come close to that. I don't know how to put myself in a mindframe like I've known them for their whole lives when I know very little about them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 I may come off as desperate, but I'm not going to date someone where there's no attraction. What's sad is I'll only date someone where I have interest, but somehow the way I come off it gets interprested by being insulting to them. It's hard for me to understand because that's not at all my intention or how I feel. It's like I put my self in the worst possible light. I don't at all just view women as breeding machines and I feel the women are special. It's all so confusing to me. I find many women attractive, including some that many others may not find attractive. I don't have a type at all. There are some features that I prefer, but few requirements. Most of my dates are average or below average physically to society as a whole, but most are attractive to me, which is what matters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 That's part of your problem right there. Dating is a "game" because you cannot be completely honest in the hour or less you make that first impression because you're competing with countless others who want the same thing you do in a rather limited pool of available attractive women. It's not "lying" so much as "accentuating the positive" and downplaying the negatives. After you get to know each other better, you can relax a bit and show more of yourself, the good AND the bad. for example, if are together 6 months you might say "Ah, I just let one rip, stand by for impact!". Try that on a first date and see how far that gets you. The competing against countless others is what's overwheling to me. I think I'm competing against numerous great looking men who make big salaries and know exactly what to say on dates, or at close to this. Just thinking about it is extremely discouraging. I am a competitive guy in other aspects of my life. What I'm saying right now on first dates isn't working so something needs to change. The women politely decline another date or it's so clear that there was no interest from the first few seconds that I don't ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tresqua Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 it's so clear that there was no interest from the first few seconds that I don't ask. You think some of these women decide they don't want a repeat after only a few seconds? Are you posting recent pictures on your dating profile and are you being honest about your age? Because that sounds like they're taking one look at you and not liking what they see, before you even say anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neutron Star Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 You think some of these women decide they don't want a repeat after only a few seconds? Are you posting recent pictures on your dating profile and are you being honest about your age? Because that sounds like they're taking one look at you and not liking what they see, before you even say anything. Everything is honest and the pictures are recent. No exaggerations either. The pictures don't show the nervous body language I have when meeting someone new. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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