Should I give him his stuff if he's not asking?

[lovesforlife]

It's been over a month since we last had contact. We lived together for 6 years, dated long distance for three years before that. I have some of his things. Well, several 18-gallon bins worth of stuff - but nothing he needs for everyday, such as clothes. I think some of the things may have value to him. I have put them where I can't see them, but I'm not sure whether I should be keeping them at all. He left and has been pretty clear about not coming back (it's been a year since I actually asked him to move out because he was seeing his current girlfriend). I have brought up him getting his things and he said he would like to come get them at some points and alternatively that I could throw them away or sell them at other points. He has family that can store his things. Why should I be his storage facility? I want to give him his stuff if it has value to him. But I do not want to contact him directly and break NC. What should I do? I was thinking to take it all to a storage place, pay for a month and send the key and stuff to his mother or sister - but I know he has hated it in the past when I involved them in things. I also fear that if I get rid of his stuff, I am finally admitting it is over. Which is perhaps why it is bothering me so much. I want to be strong enough to admit it and yet I'm terrified to do it. I know they are just "things" but it is causing me panic and anxiety attacks.

[Mustachio]

If it is really causing you that much anxiety then either get rid of the stuff, or find a friend who can contact him for you, and arrange and set up a meeting that you dont have to attend for him to get his stuff back.

 

Also, I think if you offer it back to him and he doesnt come around to get it, throw it away.

[TiredOfGames]

[...] I have brought up him getting his things and he said he would like to come get them at some points and alternatively that I could throw them away or sell them at other points. He has family that can store his things. Why should I be his storage facility? [...]

 

He even said himself to throw or sell his stuff. Are the 18 gallon bins of worth to you? (Are they yours?) Other than that I'd say, as his things are already boxed, take them to a charity drop-off location. Explain that you don't know exactly what might be in them, but that there may be clothes and other items of worth to them. No need to go through his things yourself; let the charity place sort through them. Or you could take the bins to one of those offsite drop-off locations.

 

If you need/want the bins, just dump the contents of each into cardboard boxes, seal them, and drop them off somewhere. No need to break NC. No need to contact him. If he wanted his stuff he would have collected it by now. You do not need to store it for him any longer. You do not owe him anything. Over one month is more than long enough.

 

Edit: You could just throw it all away of course. I just think that a little time and effort could benefit a charity. You'd be doing it for the charity, and certainly not for the benefit of your ex. Aside from the relief of being rid of his stuff, you might feel slightly better taking this approach too.

[tresqua]

It's not really breaking NC if you drop him a message to the effect of "On July 1 your stuff is going to be put out with the trash, they usually pick up at 3 pm so that gives you time to take a look and see if you want any of it".

[lovesforlife]

The stuff is primarily his deceased father's collection of books. My ex hand selected these items from his father's apartment when his father passed. That's why I don't just want to get rid of them. I did throw away things like dressers and chairs that he left. I knew those had no particular meaning. I also know that if I really wanted nothing to do with someone and they had items that belonged to my deceased parent, I would get them back. I know that he is, in part, leaving them as a means of maintaining a connection to me. He has said so before. I just am panicking and having a hard time right now and feel like I need to take some action. Sitting in no contact is not enough. I feel I need more than just no contact to heal. I need closure and to relocate and move. I wish I could sell my house - the house I bought with the thought that he and I would raise a family together in it, that I am now tied to because of the economy, while he gets to go an live free of any bonds to me or the responsibilities we used to share. I just want to run away from it all.

[foxxy]

Tell him to pick up his things or they are going to be trashed for sure, and tell him you dont' want a connection with him by any means

[TiredOfGames]

I agree with the other posters. Get a brief message to him that he needs to collect his things by, say, this day next week (and one week given the circumstances is quite generous), otherwise they'll be left for trash pickup. Mention that that's the last he'll be hearing from you.

[enchanted771]

I broke up with my ex a few days ago. I haven't even attempted to get my stuff back. I have no desire to even see his face. So, the things were not that important, so he can do what he sees fit. If its too much for you to contact him I would like somone else said contact a friend or if not, then just toss it. Its been a month anyways, if it was so important he would have gotten it the first week or two post break-up. I know I would have.

[swann]

Good question? My ex left some of her clothes, shoes and a few household gifts (paintings, vases....that I gave her as gifts). She did take the jewelry that I gave her though!

 

I have moved all of the clothes and shoes up to a closet that I don't use much. She has been gone since March. She had expensive tastes so I'm pretty sure they are really nice clothes and I know the shoes were expensive. I was thinking I would give it a year and then decide what to do with them. I don't know though?

 

I guess my question is "does she just not care about them" or is this her way of having some sort of "link" back to me? My gut says she just isn't thinking about the items right now. Do dumpees do this? Leave some personal items just so they have an excuse to contact you again? Or they just don't care about them like she doesn't care about me anymore?

 

Thanks

[swann]

Oh and I might add she lives 1,200 miles away now so for her to get them I would have to ship them. Her parents just live 100 miles though.

[TiredOfGames]

Hey swann, I'd say it does not matter one bit whether or not she cares about her stuff or if it's her link back to you. You are not her storage unit and you need to move on with your own life. I'd do as has been suggested for the OP; get a message to the ex about arranging to have her things collected or somehow shipped to her (at her expense) by a certain date, otherwise they'll be sent to the curb.

[lovesforlife]

It seems harsh to do and seems to be a deadbolt on the relationship. But I guess the breakup is that as well. What if he wants to reconcile but takes this as a message that he cannot; that I am not open to it? He said when I first moved his stuff out (his clothes primarily and things he used every day like his computers and vitamins, etc.) that he would not have left if I had not done that.

[swann]

lovesforlife,

 

On your last post about it being a "deadbolt" on the relationship, I kinda feel the same way but I think you have to look at it as it's already been "deadbolted" shut and by their choosing. The folks on here know a lot more than me but just in reading that last post I was thinking "I get her point but you will have a much harder time getting over him if you do keep his stuff. You have to get rid of it somehow and be done with it" Trust me, I know how you feel and I haven't done anything with her stuff yet either but I will. Probably not tomorrow or the next day but sooner rather than later.

 

My question is "do I even let her know or just do something with it?" My thinking is if I do something with it and not tell her then at some point she might ask about getting it back and I won't have it to give back. I don't hate her or anything close to that, I am just trying to get over and past her is all. I don't want to break NC so the only way to let her know is by contacting her or her parents. Not comfortable with either option. So I guess I will just wait and decide when I need the space.

 

As a side note to this issue, my wife passed away almost 4 years ago and I left all of her clothes where they were for over two years. In fact I don't know when I would have done anything with them until my ex showed up and moved in with me. I knew I had to move them then and it was hard but it had to be done. And with my wife's stuff I just donated to a shelter type of place. They give clothes to those in need. She would have liked that I think.

 

So, I think you can't "worry" for lack of a better word, about what your ex will think or not, you will most likely never really know and the important part is you are in control of what happens to them. Give him a chance to get them and if not you decide where there go. Having hope of you guys getting back together is not healthy for you and keeps you in limbo I think. You have to look at it as it really is and that is it's over. Again, I have held out hope to but eventually found that it was hurting me way more than helping me.

 

Good luck to you.

[lovesforlife]

I think so. I just called him. I was emotional. He was understanding. We didn't really talk about us. He appreciated me wanting to give him his stuff and said I could drop it off with his family. I will try to do it this week if I can. There's a lot of other stuff going on with our breakup...stuff bigger than him and I. It is all very sad.