Seraphim Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 That is exactly what I meant too. You do not even have to be friends but civil is good. Why fight more in front of your kids and scar them more and teach them that people can NEVER get along. Good post a-little-blue. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I never actually called you a d**k, jj. If you read my post correctly I actually said "that is rather a d**kish attitude you have there. It was in relation to this and nothing to do with the relationship you currently have with your ex wife .... Thats rather strong, don't you think, when the advice given was done so with the best intention? I don't wish to get in a heated debate with you jj. I have been there too and all I can do is offer my knowledge and experience. Whether it helps or whether anyone agrees with it is a different matter. We all have different experiences and of course you are entitled to your opinion but don't you see ... YOU were actually the one here who shot those of us down whose advice went against YOUR grain. I wish you well too. I agree, call someone's advice "crappy garbage and we are hated" and then expect people to say nothing about it, *shrug*. I am assuming the bitter ire is about the ex wife, but being projected on us. That is the thing about advice, it may not work for one person but it CAN work for someone else.The OP will not be the only person reading this thread. Thousands of others will be and maybe they will glean something important from what is "crappy garbage" to one person. It could be a gold mine for someone else. However telling people they are hated and their advice is crap I am sure is not a way to garner any further help should one require it. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I think people who deny the fact that having parents who can't be civil to each other doesn't hurt the children are living in a fantasy world. Read all the studies out there. It has a definite negative impact. You don't have to be best buddies but you do have to be civil and you do have to be able to discuss issues dealing with your childrens welfare. For the sake of your kids, you have to man up sometimes and deal with unpleasant things like conversations with the ex. You chose to have children, and therefore you have to behave like an adult and do whats best for their welfare. If you don't, well the negative impact on your kids is on your head then, not the exes. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I think people who deny the fact that having parents who can't be civil to each other doesn't hurt the children are living in a fantasy world. Read all the studies out there. It has a definite negative impact. You don't have to be best buddies but you do have to be civil and you do have to be able to discuss issues dealing with your childrens welfare. For the sake of your kids, you have to man up sometimes and deal with unpleasant things like conversations with the ex. You chose to have children, and therefore you have to behave like an adult and do whats best for their welfare. If you don't, well the negative impact on your kids is on your head then, not the exes. I agree, my mother was always civil to my dad after they divorced. I am sure she wanted to bite her own tongue off rather than talk to him,but she did it for mine and my brother's sake because we had been through enough. My parents broke up and separated may be 10 times and finally divorced. My mom remarried and they also divorced. Then she got back together with my real father until they finally were totally done with each other 20 years ago. It is a hard road for kids if the parents can not at least be civil. Last year before I moved I had a lunch with both of my parents together and they were civil and even joked with each other. As you can see I am 44 and my parents STILL have civil contact with each other for the sake of their children and now grandchildren. They have 4 grandchildren that they have in common. Having children with someone is a FOREVER deal till you die. Might as well be good about it. Link to comment
misguided angel Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 thanks for all the advice I have no intention of being rude or uncivil in anyway whatsoever but i do believe that for me the less contact i have with her will make my healing easier and also the way i feel at the moment no contact will make it less likeley that i say something in anger or desperation i will later regret, i don't want to row with her but i also don't want try and change her mind anymore as that didn't work and just made me feel crap. jonesy what you said about the blank page, nobody has put it like that before, thank you. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 ^^ don't worry, you were not uncivil. I hope you feel less pain soon. Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 hey mate.....glad i can be of some use here....considering ive been going through this the last 7 months....my attitude is obviously out of sorts here....good luck mate, feel free to pm me any time for advice or a chat mate....i know exactly what you are going through from a MANS perspective.....if you ever wanna chat dont hesitate to contact me...otherwise im done with this thread.... good luck mate.....you know whats best for you.....i seriously wish you well...go fill that blank page with some awesome stuff dude.... jonesy Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I'm not sure why you are saying that being civil and putting up boundaries with an ex and only talking about the children is going against the grain... because that has always been my advice to exes that you have children with, and it's been the general response of this thread too, which is the exact same advice as you've given, from what I can gather. And if being assertive and only talking about the kids is not civil, then I don't know what is. Just because your ex is not civil towards you, it doesn't mean that it will rub off on you and that you can't still be civil and the bigger person back to them. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 hi dramallama I like your name, I am trying to create a new life for myself, i don't really want to see any mutual friends and now my best mate is moving to australia for work so i have been thinking about doing some sort of evening classes just for something to do, but after so long being in a couple I can't even remmember what i'm interested in anymore. Evening classes will be great for you. You will meet new people and keep your brain stimulated. You won't regret it. Also consider signing up to a class to learn a new hobby. Try to be the best dad you can be and put up boundaries against your ex about YOUR personal life. If you do that then everything else will fall into place so much easier. Link to comment
misguided angel Posted June 24, 2011 Author Share Posted June 24, 2011 thank you everyone i will just take each day as it comes, and hopefully feel better with myself soon. Link to comment
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