misguided angel Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Hi I am new here so please don't be brutal. Long story short, in December after being with my girlfriend for 8 years and having 3 children (5, 4 and 1) I read an Email from my girlfriend declaring her love for another man, I confronted her and she was adament he was just a friend (in my head i knew she was lying but i truly wanted to believe her as to my knowledge niether of us had lied before and of course i love her) and i was just paranoid but she also said she didn't love me anymore. I tried everything to over Christmas to win back her heart but i was so confused I made alot of mistakes as i tried to make her feel good about herself because she just seemed so unhappy and I thought she was maybe suffering from post natal depression, but it turns out she was suffering from how do I get out of this without hurting anyone syndrome. In january I moved out to give her space but after having the kids for a weekend I returned them home and i found myself in my bedroom alone something told me to look in her drawer which I have never done before, I found out she had been sending love letters and gifts (for 6 months at least)to the same bloke who lives in Australia, We live in London, She said he and her are in love and she just acted like iI was supposed to understand that someone better came along, So I fell lower than I have ever been before, I have my kids every 2nd weekend and I call them everynight as I need to hear them and I need them to know I am always their, 6 months on now and evertime I feel i'm making progress with my healing I get a call asking if I would like to go out for a day as a family, I have to go cause a want to see my kids but whenever I have to see her I can't sleep for 2 days before or after so 4 days with no sleep or eating and I fall backwards again so I told her at the weekend that for me to get over her I would have to act like she was dead until I was strong enough to see her or hear her voice. Anyway since I told her this everytime I call the kids she is once again being as friendly as ever and chatting for the kids and prompting them to talk and also telling the my youngest to tell daddy you love him, How do I get her to understand that I need her to be Quiete when I call and I need space to heal and family days are for families, without going overboard or hurting her feelings too much, I still love her and still believe she is one of the nicest people I have ever met but she ruined all of that but I don't want to hurt her, so I would appreciate some feedback on how to cut all ties other than when it's is about the children. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 The thing is once you have children you should not be no contact. That is not realistic. You HAVE to converse about your kids for the rest of your life. There will be school issues,birthdays, holidays, graduations,weddings, the birth of their own kids. You are bound together FOREVER. The thing is to keep it to talking about your children and what is good for them and only that. Link to comment
Mustachio Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Well, since you have children together you really cant get full nc with her. But what you can do is make sure that the only contact you have with her is directly related to your children, and nothing else. You also need to tell her that the only part of your life you want her in is when it comes to your children and even then, you arent ready to talk to her or see her yet unless it is directly related to you getting to spend time with your children. I know you dont want to be mean to her, but you need to be blunt and tell her that you dont want to speak to her when you call, only your children and that for the foreseeable future, when you spend time with your children, you want to do it alone, without her there. You need to stop thinking of how your actions will affect her, she obviously didnt take yours into consideration when having this emotional affair with this other guy. Being the "nice guy" here is only going to keep you stuck in pain longer than necessary. Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Keep the conversation only about the kids. Let her know that, she needs to respect your request to keep the communication to a minimum. You are not her friend so there is no need for chit chat. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 My ex left me for another man when my kids were 6, 4 and 3 after 10 years together. We had joint custody with one week on, one week off. For the sake of the kids you have to have some contact together. And if you can let them see that Mom and Dad are OK together once in a while thats great. BUT, you can limit that contact as much as possible until you are on more solid footing. For the first two years, we were civil to each other in front of the kids but we never did stuff as a family per se. If there were football or basketball games to see, or first communions or school plays we all went to watch the kids, just not as a group. She came with her new husband and I came with my girlfriend. We all behaved well around each other but didn't socialize or sit together. And we didn't go out as a mixed family. We had separate birthday partys at each house for the kids, separate christmas's, etc. My kids are in their twenties now and are all doing well so it looks like it worked. I admit I felt like crap for the first year, but you do get through it and the braver the front you put on for the kids the better they will be. Just try and limit the contact with the ex right now for your sake till you feel stronger. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I agree with the above advice and that she needs to be mindful of your feelings and that you need time to get over things so that you can move on with your life. Link to comment
misguided angel Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Thank you for all your replies i have been trying to limit contact to just being about the the kids but she seems to want me to go over every once in a while for dinner as a family and she says it would be nice for the kids to see us as a family, she also says i was her best friend and she doesn't want to lose that, then i get annoyed tell her she chose someone else so she doesn't get to decide if we stay friends, plus i try to tell her that everytime i have to leave the house again i fall back to feeling really down. The thing is the pain i feel is worth it to spend extra time with my kids but then they feel rubbish every time i leave after spending a family day so i know i should just see her when i collect and drop the kids off, I spent the night before my sons birthday (not)sleeping on the couch just so we could all wake up together as a family on his birthday but she just sat on her pc chatting to her new man all night which i thought was a bit tasteless, but i just let it go. I know she is just trying to deal with things her way but i just want to scream at her sometimes and tell her how selfish she is being by expecting me to do family things but i honestly think she has gone a little bit strange as she asked me to borrow her my CD collection so she could upload to itunes just 4 days after i found the love letters, and she seemed very suprised when i told her to ask her aussie boyfriend for his. Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 wow wow wow wow.....dude..... cut the contact to the minimum, absolute, cut the family outings.....thats B.S!!!!!!! I have a 2 year old with my ex who also left me for another dude in december.....for the first couple of months she strung me along and tore out my heart, after 3 months she finally came clean and said she was seeing someone.....from DAY ONE OF THE SPLIT i told her i want my kid on x y and z days...and have stuck to that like a fly to tish ever since and i do not budge!!! from the day she said she was seeing someone i told her i want nothing to do with her absolutely nothing....ive never seen her flat that she moved into nor do i wish to, and she has only been to my house once... I told her that the only time you ever need to contact me if there is a problem with my kid...end of chat....i arranged the same pick up and drop off point every week...so we dont have to talke about that....i do not contact her when my kid is with her, i know from her silence he is ok, and i told her that she needs to learn to do the same....in order to help me heal the past 2 months my mum has been picking up and dropping off my kid so i dont have to see her, now the only time she contacts me is if there is a problem with my kid like if he is ill or anything...apart from that....NC NC NC......ive never even seen the guy she is with and i dont even know his name, and i dont need to, i trust that she is a good mother. Now, I am a very extreme case of nc with kids.....i have to be this harsh in order to get my head together and my life back on track, gradually over time i will lower my defences. but for now i am about as nc as you can get with kids, so it can be done.....weve had many arguements about this, she has messaged me many times over the months demanding i talk to her....my response every time has been....only contact me if there is a problem, otherwise leave me alone....balls in your court...... jonesy Link to comment
misguided angel Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 cheers jonesy I read some of your posts and i'm glad your getting where you need to be, seems like we've been going through some similar crap at the same time, and I wish I was as strong as you. I am finding it very hard to deal with the fact she went behind my back and expects me just to be ok with it, I don't want to look at her but then I want her back and then I don't want to look at her and so on, but I also know that my kids come first, I had to go to parents evening in march 3 months after we split and she hadn't even told the school we had split, she hasn't told any of her friends the only people who know are the people i've told This weekend is her weekend and the school is putting on a late fathers day coffee and biscuits morning and I have to go because I always go and i dont want my sons to miss out, When I was speaking to the kids tonight she come on the phone and asked if I was coming up for dinner, it was only on saturday that I told her for me to heal I need you to be dead to me and she's still asking if I want dinner, I don't know if she's trying to play with my head, call my bluff on the dead to me thing or if she is just trying to be nice. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 When you have kids NC is hard, but not impossible. No Contact is about putting up boundaries and so you must keep the talk only related to the wellbeing of the children and when your ex asks about your personal life, say that it's best if you don't discuss that, especially your dating life. I would avoid spending time with your ex for longer than the time it takes to swap them over, at least until you are fully healed. Birthdays and special occasions if you feel that it wouldn't delay your healing you can spend time at parties if you wish with your ex. If anyone asks - tell the truth that you are seperated. Don't keep it a secret. That's how she keeps control over you. Link to comment
misguided angel Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 thank you, the stupid thing is i pretty much know all of this already i just feel so angry at my self get walked all over but still wanting her, even now writing this i am trying to work out in my head why she would want to be friends with someone she no longer cares for. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Maybe she is hoping you will be her support system if her new relationship fails. She wants you as her comfort despite what she did. Just don't do it. Be there for your kids not her. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 I know the last thing you want to do is to keep coming face-to-face with the person who has hurt you but when you have had children together it is unavoidable. You can keep your conversations to a minimum but you will need to have conversations nevertheless. For your children's sake it is important that they see mummy and daddy getting along. As time goes on and your pain eases this will become easier to do until it becomes a normal part of your life, like waving to a neighbour who you have no emotional attachment to at all. When my ex-husband left me and our 3 children for another woman it hurt like hell. It hurt even more when he started taking our children out with his new gf and they all played happy families together but when he would come to collect them I could do nothing but face the pain. I would grit my teeth, bite my tongue and put a false smile on my face. Then when they had gone I would break down in tears. I didn't want the children to feel any guilt or confusion when going with them and I didn't want them to grow up feeling torn between their parents. In years to come I want my children to be able to look back and feel that they had a happy, fullfilled and loving childhood despite their parents being divorced. I know it hurts but this isn't just about you I'm afraid ... it is also about your children and you need to do what is best for them. even now writing this i am trying to work out in my head why she would want to be friends with someone she no longer cares for. She wants to be friends because, despite her failings as a wife, she is trying to be the best mum and do what she feels is right for the children. I do understand your pain, I really do, but for the sake of your children I urge you to do the same. You will always be their father and it seems she will always respect that. Link to comment
DD123 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 you should definitely not be no-contact, for the sake of the kids, ya know? Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 I think alot of people post on these forums and say the same old cr...appy garbage time after time after time.....ive been reading posts on here the last several months and i see a familiar trend.....the same bu needs nc, the same this the same that all has the same same same same old cra..pppy diagnosis..........and anyone who ever goes against the grain gets battered....its like going to the docs and getting the same old medication for the same symptoms....only this time i dont have a headache from dehydration i have it cos there's a tumour.....your damn paracetamol aint gonna cut it!!!!! I hate these people who say you have to be civil for the kids..............no you dont....man if you can do it....hey....well done.....that stuff takes years.....it cant be done over night, hell start it as soon as you can....but if you cant....then dont worry. now....im talking from experience....my parents split when i was 18 months old, funny story how they got back together when i was 19...but during that time my dad caused hell.....he turned up at the house drunk....verbally abused my mum, he put bins and bricks and god knows what through our window....he did all sorts.......ya know what else he did....he was always there for me......and so was my mum. ya know what, seeing my dad be a di.....ck.....never affected me, why, because my mum always talked to me about it...always explained what was going on...she never hid anything from me.....and i guess thats the reason i am me today. there are do's and donts.......firstly...you gotta tell her what it is you want......and do not want........as you know....from the moment my ex said it was over...i told her not to contact me at all....i do not socialise with her, i do not even know if she exists...hell i would even say shes dead to me. she knows only to contact me about my kid...nothing more and nothing less.....end of chat....i do not say hello when i see her and i do not say goodbye, she is not worth my oxygen.....now if you can do it, great....but dont worry if you cant.......THEE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THIS.....YOU TALK TO YOUR KIDS....YOU TALK TO YOUR KIDS.......and you tell them you love them, their mother loves them, you make it known that no matter what happens between the two of you, you love them and you support them to the end of your life.....no ifs buts maybes. so to summarise..........you talk to your kids.......all the time........my son gets a cuddle almost every moment were together, i was brought up on cuddles, so its tough, he gets em, i dont read him stories good night, i lay on the bed and we talk. i talk to him, about what weve done, what were gonna do, i tell him stories about me and his mother and the last thing i tell him before good night is that mummy and daddy love him so much.......as long as your kids do not see you fighting.....if you have to walk away and not talk to her, do it, but do not ever argue in front of the kids, and as long as they know you love them......cut the B/S with the ex....cut all contact unless its for the kids end of chat.....women in my experience are grand master manipulators.....and you are being taken for a ride...... cut contact...tell her you want your kids on abc....you will give them back xyz......and only ever contact me if.....and state your boundries.......no matter what she texts or phones about outside of your set boundries......you do not answer......or....you simply say please stick to our arrangement..... god speed my friend......i KNOW YOUR PAIN....you can do this jonesy Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 ^ No need to be insulting about people's advice right? There are other people who have experienced divorce from their own end and from the end of being the child and they all have different advice which works different for different people, there is no all supreme method. Link to comment
misguided angel Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Victoria66 i will never be her support system, she made her choice she can deal with whatever she gets. a-little-blue i know iwill have to come face to face with her but i think she is pushing me to be best mates when i'm uncomfortable with it. DD123 what you have written is my biggest dilema jonesyjakk my kids have and will always come first, from the day i left i have had the them whenever i say i am having them which was suppossed to be every 2nd weekend and splitting school holidays, but i have them pretty much 2 weekends out of 3 because i can't handle not being around them and every time i send them home jack daniels stock increases. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 That is what I am saying she is angling for, just do not give it. Just be there for your kids as you have been. Do not drink though(as you said above) this could be used against you in court. Link to comment
misguided angel Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 she couldn't imagine what iv'e been through, and about a year before i met her i gave up alcohol(not an alcoholic just for medical reasons) she has never seen me drink, i think she would just laugh at me if she knew how low i get when i send the kids home. As for using it against me in a court, i would love to see her try because i would bury her. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 she couldn't imagine what iv'e been through, and about a year before i met her i gave up alcohol(not an alcoholic just for medical reasons) she has never seen me drink, i think she would just laugh at me if she knew how low i get when i send the kids home. As for using it against me in a court, i would love to see her try because i would bury her. You have to learn not to care what she thinks anymore. Her opinion isn't worth anything. It's natural for you to feel sad when you send your kids home, but now is a good time to create a new life and interests for yourself. Link to comment
misguided angel Posted June 23, 2011 Author Share Posted June 23, 2011 hi dramallama I like your name, I am trying to create a new life for myself, i don't really want to see any mutual friends and now my best mate is moving to australia for work so i have been thinking about doing some sort of evening classes just for something to do, but after so long being in a couple I can't even remmember what i'm interested in anymore. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I hate these people who say you have to be civil for the kids know what, seeing my dad be a di.....ck.....never affected me, Are you sure about that because that is rather a d**ckish attitude you have there? a-little-blue i know iwill have to come face to face with her but i think she is pushing me to be best mates when i'm uncomfortable with it. I don't think you have to be "best mates" with your ex. That wasn't quite what I meant. I am not best mates with my ex-husband ... will never want to be. Hell I don't even like the guy. Still, I don't want that to wash off on the kids so I am civil to him when he comes to pick them up. I was talking in relation to your ex trying to talk to you on the phone or maybe when she might try to strike up a conversation when picking up/dropping off the kids. The contact I have with my ex-h is minimal but it is, nevertheless, civil. I don't think it is necessary to put on a united family front if that doesn't suit you or if you find it too difficult. We tried that a few times and, to be honest, it was all too awkward and all too fake. I pulled the plug on it in the end because I thought it was doing more harm than good. It was confusing the kids. Regardless of trying to do the "right" thing they still needed to know that we weren't together anymore. My ex-h and I are now 4 years on and we barely speak to each other, other than when he picks our girls up. We don't even have to speak to make arrangements regarding the children because we have such a set pattern. It is always every other weekend fri 6pm until sun 6pm. There are times when it may need to change and if or when that does happen he will text me and we rearrange weekends. If I need to change it, I will text him ... and he ignores me. Thats that way it goes. There has been the odd occasion when he has come into the house to see the girls ... on their bdays generally, to watch them open his present, to have some bd of their bday cake etc. He doesn't want to be there any more than I want him there but we will chat, maybe even share a joke and, yes, basically do it for the sake of the girls ... whats so wrong with that JJ? Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 hey mate, its been 7 months for me now, and i honestly say that sending my kid back to her kills me more and more every time, but its something that has to be done. DO NOT be friends with her until you are absolutely ready you can handle that. When I think about when me and my ex split, neither of us had any outside interests. so....I will tell you again what I did, and what has helped me, now dont get me wrong, im not over my ex, and wont be for a good year year and a half yet...but after 7 months the way i feel is different, and the pain i feel is different. so here's what I did.... firstly, after a few weeks of begging...and her saying no...she doesnt want to work on things.....i said enough......and i walked away from her. I moved 40 miles away from her.....moved back in with my parents found a new job started saving money started putting money in my kids account every week without fail joined a football team got rid of all her photos and bits n bobs and archived them away i CUT AS MUCH CONTACT AS POSSIBLE....this came with alot of anger from her, demanding i talk to her.....i said only contact me if it regards my kid...end of......i set my boundries.....i didnt want to.....all i wanna do, and still want to do is ask her back, but she made it pretty clear in those first few months were done so i will never ask her back and i told her that now....we only talk if he is ill, hes a really good kid, and hes doing fab....so there isnt much to talk about right now..... my plan...... i am doing a course in the next couple of weeks that will enable me to get the job i wanted when we were together, once i do that, i plan to get the job i want, then move back to her city to be closer to my kid when school starts once i have my own place, the job, i will focus on me, and some hobbies.....thats my plan....none of that includes my ex......what she did to me is disgusting and id be sc...um if i did it to her....cos shes the woman and im the man, all i get is you have to be nice to her......no i dont.....im not nasty and have never ever said a bad word to her....i just choose to cut her out my life....just because we have a kid together, means nothing, if you dont want me at my worst...you dont get me at any level at all.....period. focus on being a GREAT father, and an amazing DAD...you will know whats best for you in time.....after 7 months im still lost..... coming to terms with being a single father, knowing another guy is in my sons life when he is with his mother.....disgusts me.....it takes time, dont let her force you into being friends, thats whats pushed me into the place i am now....you be friends when you want to be....dont ever be nasty to her, ever, but dont let her manipulate you in any way set your boundries, set your goals, focus on what you want now.....you are free to go do whatever you want to....look at it this way...someone has just given you a blank piece of paper and a pencil.....you can draw whatever you want to...you can write a story about whatever you want to...the page is blank.....thats your future.....its a blank page.....up to you how long you keep it blank and its up to you how much stuff you fill it with. good luck man, i honestly feel your pain, it hurts like hell, but im here for you any way i can be jonesy Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 call me a di...ck little blue....thank you....i appreciate that very much....im not gonna get into a fight with you and i am entitled to my oppinion....like i said when people post against the grain people get shot down....this is my oppinion, this is MY EXPERIENCE and im not telling you what you should and should not do.....this chap will know whats best for him.....as im sure you know what is best for you.... i do not fight with my ex, and i do not argue with her infront of my kid, i simply choose not to speak to her on any level...unless it regards my child......so if that makes me a di....ck....well.....you are entitled to your oppinion....she has said many hurtful things....many, what have i said...hmmm leave me alone....maybe civil is the wrong word to use..being civil with someone who has torn you in half and chewed you up and not even spat out your bones takes years..maybe i see civil and you see civil slightly differently.....thats what great about these forums, is the debate.... i wish you well little blue jonesy Link to comment
Tanzi Posted June 23, 2011 Share Posted June 23, 2011 I never actually called you a d**k, jj. If you read my post correctly I actually said "that is rather a d**kish attitude you have there. It was in relation to this and nothing to do with the relationship you currently have with your ex wife .... I think alot of people post on these forums and say the same old cr...appy garbage time after time after time..... and anyone who ever goes against the grain gets battered.... I hate these people who say you have to be civil for the kids.............. Thats rather strong, don't you think, when the advice given was done so with the best intention? I don't wish to get in a heated debate with you jj. I have been there too and all I can do is offer my knowledge and experience. Whether it helps or whether anyone agrees with it is a different matter. We all have different experiences and of course you are entitled to your opinion but don't you see ... YOU were actually the one here who shot those of us down whose advice went against YOUR grain. I wish you well too. Link to comment
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