cheriex333 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 My FH and I were talking about the guest list. One of his friend's wife and I do NOT get along. She's spread untrue gossip about me, excludes me from activities, openly expresses her hate towards me. I have done NOTHING to her, except be kind and nice which she calls me fake (whatever). In general, she is a beep who cannot be happy and does not have girlfriends - her only friends are her husband's friends (including my FH) who are guys. While I do not hate her, but I DEF do not want her in any of MY important events - birthdays, dinners, get togethers tec. I told my FH he can hang out with his friends including the friend's wife I just won't be there (works for us). I won't tolerate her rude behavior and I don't want to deal with unnecessary bs. The problem is, this will be OUR wedding. I told him how this is the happiest day of our lives, and I do not want someone trifling there. She has openly expressed hate for me and I feel no need to have her involved in my life- ESP not on such an important day. FH expressed he won't invite his friend without inviting the friend's wife. I do feel badly if FH's friend isn't there, but I told him he can invite anyone else. So here I am, looking for outsider advice. I don't know what to do. Am I being petty and should just suck it up and let the FH invite whoever, including the awful trifling friend's wife? I am conflicted, feel selfish and badly if FH doesn't invite his friend, but I also want my happiest day to be my happiest day!! What do you advise? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Look at it this way. Believe me you will be so happy enthralled with the man you just married and the other people there that I can almost 100% guarantee you won't even notice her.You will be far far too busy. As far as inviting someone without their spouse I would not do that. It is just rude in my opinion. Just do not invite either of them if you do not want her there. Be prepared though for there to be hard feelings. Link to comment
banal Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Yeah, I second Victoria. If you invite the friend, you have to invite his wife. Unless your guest list is in single digits, or this friend miraculously finds his way into your wedding party, you probably won't even notice his wife. One time, as you make your rounds to each of the tables, but that's about it. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I also think that if she were there, you probably wouldn't notice her at all! you'll be so busy being the bride! eh, i would invite them both and pray that she is already busy that day, lol. Link to comment
cheriex333 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I wish it will be busy/crowded! We are having a small destination wedding of about 20-30 people max. Or I can send out their invite last minute and pray they can't make it?! XD Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 If that is the case I would not invite them at all. Sending someone an invitation last minute to a wedding just makes it plainly obvious you do not want them there and are only inviting them for the sake of saying you invited them. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 oh no.... hmmmm..... how good friends is your husband with this friend? have you talked to him about your dillema? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 It is very bad form not to invite both members of a couple to a wedding and can create a lot of bad blood for the friend too because he is stuck between a rock and a hard place of whether to miss his friend's wedding or infuriate his wife by going without her after she has been snubbed. She also might just show up anyway, since couple's assume their partner is invited to a wedding. You either need to suck it up and just ignore her at the wedding, or not invite either of them. Perhaps your fiance can explain that he's not inviting the friend because he doesn't want a cat fight at the wedding. But honesly, if it is his really good friend, i'd just suck it up and invite both of them. She may decide not to go if she doesn't like you much either. Link to comment
cheriex333 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 They are pretty good friends, my FH has about 6 close friends and this is one of them. They are all part of the same group, so if the friend and his wife isn't there, his other friends will probably question. Btw we are paying for the guests hotel stay, so I feel like this is a double whammy if I do invite trifling friend's wife bc we're wasting resources on someone I don't even WANT there! (And I can't imagine why she would want to be there as well). She is also very vocal and opinionated, so she will make her presence known. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Wait- it's a destination wedding???? So you want to invite her husband to spend money to come on a holiday for your wedding, and leave his wife behind? uh, no. Be the bigger person here, weddings are about new beginnings, and yes, mainly that of the bride & groom. But they are not meant to be an opportunity to single someone out and say "YOU are NOT welcome". It'll only make you look petty, and fuel her dislike for you tenfold. Also any attempt to trick them in not being able to come will make you look manipulative and thoughtless...a last minute invite to a destination wedding SCREAMS "We don't want you there, but expect you to send a gift". Horribly tacky. If you don't invite the husband because of her, but invite all the other friends from the same group, then you are punishing him, and putting your new husband in a horrible position. Not a good start for your married life. Ignore the drama she tries to create, don't add to it in some futile attempt at retaliation. I say, suck it up, and invite them both. If she dislikes you that much, let HER argue with HER husband about whether or not they should go. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 If they are really good friends, there will be bad blood, pretty sure and his friends will look around funny and ask questions, may be not to your face but certainly to him. You may have the day of your dreams, but have days after that of your husband having some ex friends. As far as my husband going on a destination wedding without me that would NEVER happen. Link to comment
cheriex333 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Yeah I see your point...it's just hard pay for their food, hotel, space if I don't even want them there Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 yeah, it looks like you'll have to be the bigger person here. the good news is that she would look like a jerk and worse - if she is bad mouthing on while on the trip YOU are paying for. I imagine your other guests would have something to say about that. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I guess I'm of a different mindset, I don't believe just because I'm married to my husband (or, will be come October) that I have to attend weddings with him. If one of his friends gets married in England and they don't know me well, I don't expect them to invite JUST because I'm married to their friend. It would be a super nice gesture but I wouldn't expect to be invited. It's a tricky situation for you though. On the one hand I would say don't invite her or don't invite them, but if he's super close to your FH you want him there and if you don't invite him (or her) there could be bad blood. But on the OTHER hand you are paying for your guests to be there as it's a destination wedding and there won't be that many people. Have you talked with your FH's friend about this or has he? Has she ever done anything other than just being mean? Link to comment
cheriex333 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I've talked to FH about this but FH has not talked to his friend. I told him he can tell the friend we just don't get along. Other than spread gossip to their whole group about me (untrue crappolla that she got from from her arse), she constantly puts me down if we hang out by saying disrespectful things like telling me to go find a ride home when we were all out (seriously?). She just does not like me to be part of their group, I am a bit younger then them about 10 yrs (I'm in my mid 20s, theyre all mid 30s), so she has a condescending "holier than thou" attitude. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 What does your FH say when she says these things? What do the other members of the group say? Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 well, if she starts gossiping again or being mean to the bride, who is the one who is going to look bad?? she is, not you. i think if she pulls a stunt at your wedding, i bet people from that group would start to distance themselves from her as well. hopefully she behaves. i hope she can't make it at all, that would be optimal, lol. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 You have the option that although you invite her (which I think is the right thing to do considering her husband is close with your FH) to ignore her. Don't focus for days on end on if she may upset you or not. No point in worrying about this and not enjoying all the wonderful things going on currently. You have talked to your FH about it, now he is aware, I'm sure he will step in in case something occurs. Until then just block out thinking about her. She is not worth it Link to comment
metrogirl Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 If all else fails, you could always have someone on standby to toss her on her rear if she doesn't behave herself. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I agree, if she acts up SHE looks like the idiot and you just look very gracious, it is a double win. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 So what does your FH feel about this? You're entering married life which means its not all about you anymore. You need to find a way to handle this situation maturely (and I know its not easy when they behave badly...) but you risk alienating your husband over it... is it worth that? And, I agree with the others. You probably won't notice her and if she does misbehave she is the one looking like an ass because everyone there knows its YOUR speical day. Don't spend too much time worrying about it... focus on you... your FH... your honeymoon... HAVE FUN! Link to comment
NightLily Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 If your husband is best friends with this guy I think you should just go ahead and invite them. He will be happy to have his friend there and so it should make the day better for you. I can understand not wanting her there but maybe it will just show that she doesn't get to you and you are above her BS. Link to comment
cheriex333 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 You all are right. Guess I'll let him know he can invite them, buy HopE and PRAY she can't come Link to comment
cheriex333 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 After much thinking I realize this is ABSURD! Why on earth do I allow this type of crap in my life? And why would my FH continue to hang out with someone who ha OPENLY expressed disdain for me, insulted me, and gossiped several times about us. WHY? I confronted FH to find out and let him know i ave tried everything and I'm at my wits end! This is what i wrote him. What do you think? (I decided to write bc I'm TERRIBLE at verbalizing things): Dear FH, I've tried to reason with myself and get over this issue with your friend . We've taken counseling, courses, prayed, techniques etc. But, I have hit a wall. I feel tired of having to avoid and exclude myself from your friends bc of one person. This will only get more distressing with time. When I think about our future, how our lives will be more intertwined, and how we both have to deal with this conflict and "avoidance" drama, I feel suffocated and despaired. I've tried to rationalize objectively, and to understand why you want to keep your friends (package deal) in spite of what happened. If you honestly feel what she did was that awful, horrible, crossing the line - how profoundly it hurt me and still affects me to this day. Then why are you guys still friends? I've come to two conclusions: 1. You do not think the things she has done/said are "all that bad". or 2. Your friendships with these people are more important to you than we are to you. If my friend disrespected you the way she did. He's gone. His SO is gone. I'd let them know, it's unfortunate we can no longer be friends, but really what is the point? You are neither supportive of my relationship and showed blatant disrespect for my SO. I'm sorry, I don't need someone like that as a "friend". As adults, you don't treat people however you want, with ZERO consequences. Phases change in life, things change. Take some time to consider what you want. If you feel you these friendships are still important to you in spite of what happened, then we'll have to decide what to do next. After having tried everything, I'm happy and willing to resign. It has been way too unfair, stressful, and draining, for both of us. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 have you two had other issues besides this wife of his friend's? how has the friend behaved towards you? Link to comment
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