Does living a dream make me selfish?

[Cynder]

So... I'm starting to make plans for my trip in September (Have an appointment with a travel agent tomorrow!) I've been saving for this since early 2009. In fact, I've saved for it twice. I was almost there once, and then lost my job. So, all my savings went to pay bills for the time I was unemployed.

 

Now here I am with air fair and hotel covered. Spending money is about 90% there. And the only thing I have left to save for is lost wages from work. (because even though my employer is nice enough to give me the time off, I won't be paid for it.) So, I decided to also save for lost wages just to be safe.

 

Now the problem... There are several people in my life who don't want me to go on this trip. They are trying (some of them pretty hard) everything they can think of to convince me not to go.

 

My Mom and my sister both think I'm too stupid to travel basically... and they keep talking about all the bad things that *could* happen to me over there if I am not careful. The city I'm going to in Europe has one of the lowest crime rates in the world. But they keep resorting to scare tactics to try to get me to cancel the whole thing.

 

But... it's not really them I'm worried about. I don't get along well with them and I am not a valued member of my family. So, screw em'. I only included that in my post to vent.

 

It's some of my friends I'm worried about.

 

I got into a pretty heated debate with a good friend of mine last night... The whole conversation really bothered me. This person was telling me it looks really bad for me to go flying overseas when my marriage is in so much trouble. They were saying my husband could file for divorce when I'm over there, then I'm not present when the papers are served, so I don't respond, and therefore he wins and gets everything. I told them I don't think my husband is planning to file for divorce, especially not when I'm in Europe. And they responded with "Yea, but you also didn't think he would cheat on you four years ago either, but he did." And then I was told that even if he doesn't file when I'm in Europe, it will still look bad in court, because he could use that against me.

 

Ok... there is no talk of a divorce between my husband and I. I don't plan on divorcing him, and as far as I know, he has no plans to divorce me. This friend of mine was hanging on to things he did years ago and not looking at the present. I tried telling them that and I was told to "take off the rose colored glasses." I was told I need a reality check and to stop being so naive. They even told me to think about the women I helped in the battered women's shelter. (I used to work in a battered women's shelter... I don't see how that has anything to do with me going to Europe.)

 

My best friend has a real problem with me going because I've talked about going and never coming back. I can understand where he is coming from I suppose... But he is one of the few people I would come back home for. He doesn't believe that though, he's scared of losing me.

 

I've had other people tell me I'm being selfish... I've been told I should think of the future and put the money I've saved toward something more important (a down payment on a house has been suggested, even though I'm perfectly content in my apartment at the moment.) I've been told I don't have my priorities straight... etc.

 

I'm a film maker. (Yes, I have a day job in a machine shop, but my true passion is film and right now I'm working on a huge Documentary project.) I've even had people tell me instead of going to Europe I should put all this money into my film. That idea has some merit, but I'm doing fine financing my film as of now. I don't really need any help there.

 

A car is another thing people think I should use the money for. My husband and I haven't owned a vehicle since 2007. It's something we've adapted to. I can't drive anyway because of my eyes, so I'm used to walking everywhere and taking public transportation. Over the years he has gotten used to these things. Right now we are both making good money, we could probably own a car if we wanted to. We just don't want to. With gas prices and everything... we just see it as money we are saving. And... why should I use the money I worked hard for and saved up to buy a car for him to drive? To me that doesn't seem fair. Yea, one could easily say its fair because I'm also being driven around in it. But that wouldn't be the case. We both work 7 days a week and we work different shifts. So, any time I would be home and needing to go anywhere, him and the car would be gone.

 

And this is how I feel... I'm sick of hearing this crap. I think in reality what it boils down to is the people saying these things to me are just pissed off that they never had the motivation or the discipline to save up to do something they wanted to do. I am tired of being made to feel like a bad person because I'm living out a dream. This trip is important to me and I've worked hard for it.

 

So... now I'm here asking a bunch of strangers. Do these people have any right to be concerned or upset? I just want to know what you all think...

[SapphireNoir10]

At the end of the day you will do what you want too and their opinions will not sway you.

 

sometimes people are just thinking of whats best in their eyes. That is all.

 

If you want to go, go. BUT travelling around Europe alone as a female is very dangerous.

[Cynder]

At the end of the day you will do what you want too and their opinions will not sway you.

 

sometimes people are just thinking of whats best in their eyes. That is all.

 

If you want to go, go. BUT travelling around Europe alone as a female is very dangerous.

 

I'm not traveling around, I'm only going to one city.

 

I've considered the dangers of being a woman all alone in a strange city... I just don't let things like that scare me. I don't fear death at all, so even if something did happen, it must have been meant to.

 

This is something that really bothers my one friend... He is just terrified of something bad happening when I'm over there. But really, something bad could happen here just as easily. I live in kind of a bad neighborhood. I see a few drug raids a year and there have been a few shootings on my street since I've lived here. Where I'm going is probably safer then where I am.

[penelope13]

The biggest question is: how does your husband feel about this? I assume your friend is 'the' friend? - Of course he has a selfish reason for not letting you go.

 

The other question is how long will you be gone?

 

But at the end of the day, you have to know which dreams are important for yourself and which not. It's a decision nobody can do for you.

[annie24]

I would go and have fun and tell everyone to F off. It's your dream, you should do it. you've earned it, as far as I'm concerned. I don't find traveling alone to be dangerous, I've been traveling alone for a long time. you just pay attention to your surroundings, don't accept drinks from strange men, don't walk around with a map out like a tourist. check where you are going before you start walking, and then walk with intention and purpose. people don't bug me if i do that.

 

have a great time!!!

[prettynthecity]

You earned it. Go for it!

[Cynder]

The biggest question is: how does your husband feel about this? I assume your friend is 'the' friend? - Of course he has a selfish reason for not letting you go.

 

The other question is how long will you be gone?

 

But at the end of the day, you have to know which dreams are important for yourself and which not. It's a decision nobody can do for you.

 

I'll be gone a week.

 

My husband doesn't care. He was invited to come with me, but he doesn't want to go. I had a female friend who was all fired up to go with me too... but she backed out because she got a new boyfriend and he doesn't want her to go. I wish I didn't have to go alone, but if I do, so be it then.

 

Yes, one of the people trying to stop me from going is 'the' friend. He really wants to come with me, and he could probably aford it, but he can't because of his kids. He is telling me that going makes me look selfish... but I could easily say that he looks selfish for trying to stop me.

[annie24]

I'll be gone a week.

 

My husband doesn't care. He was invited to come with me, but he doesn't want to go. I had a female friend who was all fired up to go with me too... but she backed out because she got a new boyfriend and he doesn't want her to go. I wish I didn't have to go alone, but if I do, so be it then.

 

Yes, one of the people trying to stop me from going is 'the' friend. He really wants to come with me, and he could probably aford it, but he can't because of his kids. He is telling me that going makes me look selfish... but I could easily say that he looks selfish for trying to stop me.

 

"the friend" has many ulterior motives.

 

who the heck do these people think they are?? your husband is ok with it, that's all that matters. actually, i thought you were going to say it was a 4 week trip! 1 week, sightseeing in a city?? what's the big deal???? jeez, people need to get a life. i travel internationally at least once a year, usually twice, i've never had anyone tell me i'm selfish for taking a trip.

[Cynder]

I would go and have fun and tell everyone to F off. It's your dream, you should do it. you've earned it, as far as I'm concerned. I don't find traveling alone to be dangerous, I've been traveling alone for a long time. you just pay attention to your surroundings, don't accept drinks from strange men, don't walk around with a map out like a tourist. check where you are going before you start walking, and then walk with intention and purpose. people don't bug me if i do that.

 

have a great time!!!

 

Another tip I got was to not wear sneakers. I was told if you walk around over there in sneakers people automatically recognize you as not just a tourist, but an American toursit, and that's a bad thing from what I hear. I don't wear sneakers anyway though, so it's not a problem. I'll be fine in my Doc Martens.

[penelope13]

One week? - I wouldn't even think twice about anybody else, except my partner.

 

Go for it and enjoy it. European cities are not more dangerous than US cities. But being a tourist makes you a target in any country (including the US), if you are not vigilant. You just have to be prudent like anywhere in the world.

[Cynder]

"the friend" has many ulterior motives.

 

who the heck do these people think they are?? your husband is ok with it, that's all that matters. actually, i thought you were going to say it was a 4 week trip! 1 week, sightseeing in a city?? what's the big deal???? jeez, people need to get a life. i travel internationally at least once a year, usually twice, I've never had anyone tell me I'm selfish for taking a trip.

 

Yea... the time has been whittled down... At first it was three weeks and I was going to three different countries. But that was also when I had friends who lived over there who had the means and the desire to travel all around with me. Then that fell through... Then me and this female friend were going for two weeks and we were going to see two cities. Then she backed out.

 

So, now it's just me and it's been cit to a week for financial reasons and for work reasons. The machine shop will let me go for a week, but not two. Lol... its ironic. They have a plant in the city where I'm going to. I've actually had people at work ask if I'm going to visit it when I'm there. Hell no! I spend 7 days a week in a dirty dank oven of a machine shop... why would I want to visit one overseas?

 

And yes, my friend definitely has his own motives... It really pissed me off when he told me I needed a reality check and when he tried to compare me to the battered women at the shelter I worked in.

 

He even tried to throw my animals in my face. He said no one would be here to take care of them when I'm gone and when I come home I'll have dirty litter boxes to clean and dog crap all over my floor and my snakes will probably starve. Hello... my husband takes care of the animals too. He's not going to live in filth for a week just because I'm gone. And snakes go for months without eating in the wild. Mine aren't going to starve in a week.

[FarthestEdge]

One word: Jealously

 

A week? All this drama over a week? I can see if it was a year, but a week?

 

Ignore the dreamkillers, GO. Also- here's a way to save money- Short-term apartment rentals. Most big cities have them. You can rent a furnished apartment, with a little kitchen, for a fraction of the cost of hotels. Then you trip down to the market, get some bread & cheese & coffee, and make breakfast for yourself- save you a few more $$ over restaurant breakfasts. So no one puts a mint on your pillow, you'll save hundreds. Also- Rent a bicycle. Save on taxi/metro and see the city as you move from destination to destination, and work off some of those amazing european pastries.

 

GO- HAVE A GREAT TIME.

 

BTW- No one gets an uncontested divorce in a week. It takes months and months. I can't believe these people are all being so selfish as to try to deny you your dreams. What a ridiculous argument

 

I'd be reconsidering who your friends are. To me, the people I want in my life are the people who encourage me to pursue my dreams, as I do for them. Life is too short to deny your dreams because others don't make their own a priority.

[annie24]

apartment rentals. hostels are great if you are in a major european city. it's also a great way to make some new friends!

[Tanzi]

Goodness me, I was flipping this way and that with your post! At first I thought you have worked and saved hard so you should be allowed to go - guilt and stress free. Then you said you were married and I began to understand why some people might not think it right (though I'm not sure what it really has to do with them and I'm not sure what all the divorce stuff was about??) Then you said you were only going away for a week and that your husband doesn't mind you going. Honestly what a lot of fuss everyone is making for a week away!! Don't they have better things to do than to get involved with other people's lives and decisions. Go and have some fun ... with your husband's blessing.

 

Mind you, I'm not sure what the story is behind "the friend" and if he were to be going with you, I may be changing my mind again!

[Tanzi]

"the friend" has many ulterior motives.

 

Wow, a lot of posts popped up while I was typing mine. OK, so maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea for him go go along too but as he isn't I really can't see why so many people have a problem with it. As for "the friend" ... he obviously just doesn't want you to go for his own selfish reasons.

[SapphireNoir10]

I say go and enjoy it. I read that you'd be travelling around Europe and gone for ages

 

you're going away for a week, as long as your sensible you'll be fine.

 

Enjoy your trip

[Cynder]

Exactly. Most people would rather sit around on their asses talking about what they want to do (or worse, whining about how they can't do it, when really the only thing stopping them is them) then doing it.

 

And I was thinking the same thing about the whole divorce thing... When my parents got divorced I remember it being this long process. It wasn't something that was just over and done with quickly. ANd it seems to me like the law would take into consideration that I was out of town if that really happened. I mean, our laws aren't always fair in this country, but I don't see how anyone could be penalized for not responding to something while they were out of the country.

[Cynder]

apartment rentals. hostels are great if you are in a major european city. it's also a great way to make some new friends!

 

Yea... I looked into quite a few hostels. Some of them are almost as nice as hotels... You just don't have the privacy you do in a hotel. I have someone in the city I am visiting who told me he would check out any hostels for me before I book one, just to make sure they aren't shady.

[Cynder]

Wow, a lot of posts popped up while I was typing mine. OK, so maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea for him go go along too but as he isn't I really can't see why so many people have a problem with it. As for "the friend" ... he obviously just doesn't want you to go for his own selfish reasons.

 

I'll just fill you in... My husband and I are polyamorous (in other words we are married, but free to have relationships with others) The friend is a good friend of mine, but he is also my lover.

 

He isn't the only one trying to stop me from going. There are a few.

 

Now (this is intended for anyone reading this...) please don't let that become the focus of this thread. This is not a thread to debate about my marital situation or about my relationship with my other guy. This is a thread about me going to Europe.

[Tanzi]

I'll just fill you in... My husband and I are polyamorous (in other words we are married, but free to have relationships with others) The friend is a good friend of mine, but he is also my lover.

 

He isn't the only one trying to stop me from going. There are a few.

 

Now (this is intended for anyone reading this...) please don't let that become the focus of this thread. This is not a thread to debate about my marital situation or about my relationship with my other guy. This is a thread about me going to Europe.

 

Point taken. I still say go. Its only a week!

[Cynder]

Point taken. I still say go. Its only a week!

 

Yep. Some people I know seem to be forgetting that.

[gingerlemon]

Oh, most definitely go. A week is a very short time. Europe is very safe. I'm European and I travelled around Europe when I was seventeen with a friend how was eighteen. So if you're a grown up who takes normal precautionary measures you will be absolutely fine. Don't listen to all the nonsense people around you are feeding you. Yes, you could put the money elsewhere, but you choose not to and that's a perfectly legitimate choice as long as you're not spending lots of money against your husband's wishes (which you already said you are not). ENJOY

[agent1607307371]

Cynder, it's all just jealousy. Europe is no worse than anywhere. Trainers will not mark you out as an easy Americal mug and you will not get beaten up for your accent. You will have a great time, and get to rile everyone up when you get back by starting loads of conversations with "Oh, when I was in Europe..."

[Stay_home]

One week!? Yeah that's way too long, you're not supposed to have any kind of fun in your life.

 

....

 

I just would like to know why your Husband isn't going? It's an opportunity of a lifetime.

[Cynder]

One week!? Yeah that's way too long, you're not supposed to have any kind of fun in your life.

 

....

 

I just would like to know why your Husband isn't going? It's an opportunity of a lifetime.

 

There are a few reasons he's not going... The city I'm going to isn't a place he has any desire to visit, for one.

 

And... this trip is a pilgrimage in a sense... The place I'm visiting is an important place to people who share my religious views. He doesn't share them.

 

He was invited. He declined. I wish he was going though. We have been married for 7 years and we never had a honeymoon. The only trip we've taken together was a weekend in Chicago a few years ago.