PDA: how to be more comfortable with it...

[-Sanguine-]

My new boyfriend of a month and I get along very well. He is very caring, generous, and sweet and we seem to have the exact same way of communicating. He tells me often how he feels about me and he shows me in his actions as well. I've never had to doubt his feelings for met yet which is definitely a good thing.

 

It's kind of a funny story how we met. I rode the bus to work with him for an entire year. We never talked or anything because it's really awkward to meet someone on the bus, but I always kinda had a crush on him. I never expected anything to come out of it - after all, he was just a stranger on a bus, I didn't know anything about him. But one night I went to the bar with a friend of mine and he happened to be the first person I saw there. I managed to put myself in his line of vision because I HAD to talk to him. It was just too random of a coincidence not to. So I did and he recognized me immediately. He called me "place where I work" girl, cause he always saw me getting off the bus and going in there. He said he had a crush on me forever. I know, it sounds so lame! But that's what happened and we've been together ever since.

 

He is amazing and he's always holding my hand or stroking my shoulder or kissing me on the cheek. Even when we're on the bus. And this is the thing I am wondering about.. I REALLY, really appreciate the amount of attention he gives me. Please do not misunderstand me as I don't want to change him. He's great. I am just having trouble getting used to someone being "all over me" so to speak - especially in public. We ride the bus with the same people every day and it went from us not speaking to us sitting there holding hands so I'm sure they've noticed we are dating now.

 

I just sometimes feel uncomfortable giving him a goodbye kiss on the bus knowing everyone is watching. But I don't want to be cold to him. I want to feel as comfortable as he does. And it has nothing to do with my feelings for him. In fact, I think I am in love with the guy; he is so amazing.

 

Is there a way for me to push the thoughts of people watching out of my head? I want to be able to reciprocate to him without feeling awkward. Or is this just what I am doomed to? I love the fact that he shows me he cares in a physical way because my ex wasn't like that very often. I don't want to make him think I don't like how he treats me. I've never felt so loved before, in every way possible.

 

Thoughts? I am angry at myself for being afraid to be "one of those couples" and that I care what people think.

[FathomFear]

I can only assume you're in a honeymoon stage right now. If 3-6 months from now he still feels the need to kiss/hug/hold you constantly I would be a bit worried, as it can get rather excessive as you say. And after a while it will start losing its meaning.

[flaminghair81]

My bf was the same way and I freaked out the first couple of times we were together in public and he was so affectionate. You cant think about everyone else, just focus in on him and your new found fuzzy feelings. And be sure you enjoy it while it lasts, but like what FathomFear said, it will start to go away. Sad but true.

[-Sanguine-]

I can only assume you're in a honeymoon stage right now. If 3-6 months from now he still feels the need to kiss/hug/hold you constantly I would be a bit worried, as it can get rather excessive as you say. And after a while it will start losing its meaning.

 

I don't find it excessive, though. I mean, when we are alone I love it. It feels so comfortable. It's only when I know people are watching that I get uncomfortable. And I can honestly say that I don't get bored of things. I was with my ex for almost 2 years and in 100% honesty I liked him as much as I did in the end as I did in the beginning. My feelings don't tend to waiver. So it's not a problem that he is showing me so much physical affection. I really appreciate it. I just don't know how I feel about people watching it happen. It makes me nervous. I can't figure out why. I guess I like the attention from him, but not from other people watching.

[-Sanguine-]

My bf was the same way and I freaked out the first couple of times we were together in public and he was so affectionate. You cant think about everyone else, just focus in on him and your new found fuzzy feelings. And be sure you enjoy it while it lasts, but like what FathomFear said, it will start to go away. Sad but true.

 

True. I just have to keep telling myself that. I am sure it will go away eventually, but he just seems like a really touchy-feely guy all around so I'm not sure if it will just stop completely.

[banal]

First, yeah, the other posters are right, it'll tone down.

 

Second, suppose that, while the PDA does tone itself down, your boyfriend is still affectionate in public. What's more important to you? How he feels, and that he's willing to show his affection publicly, or what strangers think as they look at you?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why should you have to force yourself to be more comfortable with PDAs..why can't he tone himself down. I don't think anyone on the bus really cares to see couples who can't keep their hands off each other for 5 minutes. I personally hate it when couples arer so lovey dovey when people are sitting or standing 2 inches away. It is inappropriate behaviour. Yesterday I was at a health clinic and a couple in their 30's had their arms around each other leaning into each other's shoulders and giving each other the goo goo eyed looked...while their children were running around the clinic screaming and making noise. There were sick people in this clinic and the PDAs were just inappropriate, not to mention the fact that they chose not to discipline their children because they had to make goo goo eyes at each other. There is a time and place for kisses and grabbing each other...travelling on the bus when you are in close quarters with others is not the appropriate place.

 

I will also say that often the PDAs have more to do with wanting attention and showing the world they have someone, rather than it being about real solid love. When two people have solid love, they don't need to be hanging off each other in public..they just enjoy each other's company.

[banal]

Because if she tells her boyfriend of one month - stop being so affectionate in public, please - he'll take offense to it, and I doubt the OP wants to do that.

[Fudgie]

Sounds like the right amount of PDA to be honest. It's kinda gross to see people sucking face in private but kissing on the cheek, hugging, touching (not sexual), nah, that's not bad. It's natural. My boyfriend and I hold hands in most places.

 

If you want to get more comfortable, just practice! Let it happen and just ease yourself into it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Because if she tells her boyfriend of one month - stop being so affectionate in public, please - he'll take offense to it, and I doubt the OP wants to do that.

 

There are nice ways of doing it and PDAs do not determine a person's interest. How many people are hanging all over each other in public one day and dumping the person the next. PDAs are not the most accurate way of assessing genuine interest. She can just tell her boyfriend that she feels uncomfortable with having an audience and would prefer to keep their physical affection more private.

[-Sanguine-]

First, yeah, the other posters are right, it'll tone down.

 

Second, suppose that, while the PDA does tone itself down, your boyfriend is still affectionate in public. What's more important to you? How he feels, and that he's willing to show his affection publicly, or what strangers think as they look at you?

 

How he feels is more important for sure.

[-Sanguine-]

I think it is a matter of opinion. I don't think he's "hanging off me" for attention. Is it not possible he is just naturally affectionate? It's not like we are making out on the bus. He has his arm around me and yes, we look at each other with those goo goo eyes but it's because I really like him, not because I want others to notice. Obviously I don't or I wouldn't be posting this, lol. Anyway I see what you mean.. I never imagined I would be one of those mushy couples. But I am not about to ask him to stop. Like another poster said, he would take offence to that and like I said before I don't want him to feel like he can't be affectionate with me.

[Benville]

You need to be honest with him, as the longer you sit on it the more the non-comfort may build.

 

However! You can't expect yourself to have to change, nor can you expect him to completely change. This is a situation of compromise.

 

My girlfriend isn't one for PDA's, but she told me fairly on about it. I am a very affectionate and tactile person. Clash! We both accept the others ways, and meet in the middle. Sometimes I will refrain if I can see she's already agitated by something, sometimes she will stop me, sometimes she won't. Sometimes she even gets a bit more forward herself, but also if there are times she can see I don't like her seeming "coldness", she will explain and apologise.

 

All about compromise.

[-Sanguine-]

There are nice ways of doing it and PDAs do not determine a person's interest. How many people are hanging all over each other in public one day and dumping the person the next. PDAs are not the most accurate way of assessing genuine interest. She can just tell her boyfriend that she feels uncomfortable with having an audience and would prefer to keep their physical affection more private.

 

I don't think it would be that easy. And I do like the attention. I am just kind of torn, I guess. It's hard to explain. Perhaps I just have to give it more time to get used to. I appreciate your reply and I figured someone would think the way you do, but I really don't plan on asking him to stop. I want to find a way for me to become more comfortable with the idea and just enjoy the moment without feeling all these eyes watching me.

[-Sanguine-]

You need to be honest with him, as the longer you sit on it the more the non-comfort may build.

 

However! You can't expect yourself to have to change, nor can you expect him to completely change. This is a situation of compromise.

 

My girlfriend isn't one for PDA's, but she told me fairly on about it. I am a very affectionate and tactile person. Clash! We both accept the others ways, and meet in the middle. Sometimes I will refrain if I can see she's already agitated by something, sometimes she will stop me, sometimes she won't. Sometimes she even gets a bit more forward herself, but also if there are times she can see I don't like her seeming "coldness", she will explain and apologise.

 

All about compromise.

 

Very true. Compromise is important for sure.

[banal]

There are nice ways of doing it and PDAs do not determine a person's interest. How many people are hanging all over each other in public one day and dumping the person the next. PDAs are not the most accurate way of assessing genuine interest. She can just tell her boyfriend that she feels uncomfortable with having an audience and would prefer to keep their physical affection more private.

 

The OP I doubt is not only worried about him breaking up with her in response to her complaint. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings, I'm sure. It's been one month. You say that to him now, that you want him to stop being so cutesy in public, and you will undoubtedly hurt his feelings. Besides, he doesn't even sound all that egregious; as Fudgie says hand holding and cheek kissing is very commonplace in the honeymoon phases of a relationship.

 

Give it time, Sanguine, and if you're still not comfortable with the PDA down the road, after you two have established more rapport, after you have experience resolving conflicts and after you've learned more about one another, then I'd recommend voicing a complaint.

[-Sanguine-]

I don't even mind if he kisses me once we are off the bus, on the sidewalk (still in public). It's just when we are in such close quarters with people since the buses are crowded that it gets to me a bit. But I don't think it gets to me enough to make me stop it. I really just wanted to get my feelings out in the open.

[Fudgie]

I do think if you do feel perpetually uncomfortable, you can and should say something to him.

 

It doesn't have to be all serious. Next time, just giggle and tell him that you're kinda embarrassed because you're not used to PDA.

[-Sanguine-]

The OP I doubt is not only worried about him breaking up with her in response to her complaint. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings, I'm sure. It's been one month. You say that to him now, that you want him to stop being so cutesy in public, and you will undoubtedly hurt his feelings. Besides, he doesn't even sound all that egregious; as Fudgie says hand holding and cheek kissing is very commonplace in the honeymoon phases of a relationship.

 

Give it time, Sanguine, and if you're still not comfortable with the PDA down the road, after you two have established more rapport, after you have experience resolving conflicts and after you've learned more about one another, then I'd recommend voicing a complaint.

 

That's exactly it. I do not want to hurt his feelings. He is such a nice guy and I love the way he treats me. This isn't about him, it's about me. I have just simply never been treated like this before. I was used to being rejected in every way by my ex.

 

Thanks for the reply. That makes me feel better. I will give it some more time and see how everything feels.

[-Sanguine-]

I do think if you do feel perpetually uncomfortable, you can and should say something to him.

 

It doesn't have to be all serious. Next time, just giggle and tell him that you're kinda embarrassed because you're not used to PDA.

 

I just don't want to give him mixed signals. I love that he holds my hands and puts his arm around me. By telling him it makes me uncomfortable (only 10% of the time) I am afraid he will stop or not know when it's okay to do so. I don't want him to have to question my feelings for him because he doesn't have anything to worry about. And I could always make it a joke, like you said.

[Fudgie]

Sounds like it's mainly on the overcrowded bus that you feel uncomfortable. Maybe next time he initiates within there, you can remark/joke about being uncomfortable because you're squished in there and it's hard to have your arm around him. Do that each time when you're in that location.