doobry Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I have been seeing my boyfriend for 8 months...he is mr right..we get on so well..i have one son of 17 and he has 2 aged 16 and 17 from 2 diff.mothers... he has always stayed friendly with the mums and have had the boys from friday nite to sunday nite every weekend since they were toddlers.. after we were together about 4 months one son edecided he wanted to move in with him..so it happened..now the other one lives there too.he has told me that the first son resents me as he resents all his girlfriends... my bf has always "gone with the flow".."anything for a quiet life" he says..yes he puts his kids first which he should do but to cut a long story short on sunday i was invited to meet his mum who was visiting...i am not very good at social occassions but i went along and it was me his mum his 2 sons and him.. the one son who "resents"me was making several comments abouyt diff things which had happened that were not goos and when my bf went out to the kitchen they both started making fun about my son who is overweight(he wasnt prresent) i asked them to stop but they carried on...bf came in and told one son to apologise but he stormed to his bedroom...so my bf went back to kitchen ..i went to see him and said i had to leave and he said sorry dont know what they were thinking of! then he left me to leave...the sons bedroom is by the front door and i am sorry to say i completely lost it and went in and shouted at him and slapped him....a fight started and i hate to say we ended in the street...his son does boxing and i ended up badly bruised..bf was trying to stop us but couldnt...it finished with his son spitting on me and i drove off...4 to cut a long story short my boiyfriend did not contact me that nite and i saw him yesterday and he said that out relationship had to change.i could have nothing to do with his kids and it wouldnt be the sorta relationship i could meet his mum..to tell you the truth uf he hit my son he would be history but he wants us to be together...i love him.. how can this work?? we talked and talked last nite and he said he is still going to his sons b day tomoro which is ebing hosted ny his sons mums family ...i can maybe accept that but the boys mum is getting married next year and i said what if she invites you to the wedding and he said he would go. This particular son is very opinianated and looks down his nose at everyone...my bf says oh he does that to everyone... i have said that surely he cant go through life doing this but he says he dont know how to do anything about it...he is not the one i had the fight with...he is the one that makes the comments quietly and cunningly...that instigates things and then stands bCK WHEN IT ALL KICKS OFF.... i said to my bf that i am the one being punished ...i am the one being told i cant go to his house and that he will "socialise"with his sons families without me....i know i did wrong..but where is the punishment for his sons.....thay hve got what they want...their dads gf banished.. i know this is a load of ramble but what do i do...i am distraught...cant stop crying...dunno if i can cope with just being part of his life... i asked him why on sunday after his son stormed out didnt he come and sit with me...why did he rush back out the kitchen...he says he dont know how to cope with things like that... i said well if he wants a relationship with me he is not keeping me from his house...he must tell his sons that i am his gf and they can respect me.... Yes i know i shouldve just walked out on sunday but i just lost it...to think thay were attacking personally my son when i had been invited to meet their nan...its such a mess me and their dad love each other...i dunno if i can cope with him being out socialising with his ex while i'm sat at home waiting...i mean my bf must love me....he wouldnt still be with me after what happened ...my behaviour was bad Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'm sorry, but you are focusing on the wrong aspect: you hit another person, a young adult. He had himself removed from the situation, yet you couldn't let go of your anger, went after him and got physical. No matter what the circumstances, but that is no way to handle any kind of conflict. You need some serious anger management. I wouldn't count on this relationship lasting much longer. Being the stashed away secret girlfriend is not a healthy solution for anyone involved Link to comment
doobry Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Yeah you're right......i am actually on prozac cos of depression and have had my dose doubled recently...unfortunately forgot to take them both saturday and sunday cos we got up late..... i messed up badly......i told him yesterday that he could pick his stuff up but he wants to try to work something out and stayed here last nite.... i want to apologise to his son .....i know i was wrong...terribly wrong...no friends of my own to talk to so thats why i came on here Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Penelope was right... this is about you... NOT them. His son was behaving like a typical teenager... testing boundaries... pushing his limits... dad corrected him and sent him off... BUT, you... you are behaving like a monster. Do you think these kids are going to like you now? This is battery. This guy needs to end it with you now. His kids should come first. If anyone ever touched my kids like you did it would be the last you would see of any of us again. Right now your bf is confused by your behavior but give it enough time to sink in and I'm afraid he is going to cut the chord. You demanded respect and you thought this was the way to get it? You are lucky you are not in jail. Leave this family alone and work on your issues. Forgetting medication is an excuse. I know you are hurting and I'm sorry to be so blunt about it - but, this behavior is NEVER acceptable. Those are teenage boys who father must give the punishment he sees fit - not you. If you don't like the punishment he doles out with his children then you must move on. You are an adult - one who should have known better. Think about it... what if you bf tried to beat up your son??? You are still not thinking clearly about your responsibility... stop thinking and playing the victim... you are not... you are the abuser. Link to comment
doobry Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Thats why i came on here cos i am aware of my behaviour and my responsibility.....needed other opinions....i know i did wrong..i was not using fogetting medication as an excuse...just trying to explain that i suffer from depression...give you an idea of the sorta person i am but you have decided that i am a monster......an abuser... as i said i have no one to talk to about this and thats why i came on here...not hoping for forgiveness ...i know there is no forgiveness...just hoping that somone could help me with the path to take....hope neither of you ever find yourself alone in this world...thanks Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 The right thing to do is to apologize to your boyfriend - and then to remove yourself from him and his family. You have too many things going on with yourself to bring someone else in the mix. I have a lot of understanding for depression and the challenges it brings, however, it cannot be an explanation for violence. The other important aspect of severe depression is that it makes the person, his/her perspective very selfish. At the same time, the person needs to be selfish and focus on him/herself in order to deal with it appropriately. Thus the right thing to do is to build up a support system that can give the needed support/help/understanding, but that has no true emotional stake in the recovery. Supporting someone through a severe depression can cost an immense amount of energy and focus. The situation you described clearly indicates that your boyfriend and his situation are not the right circumstances for him to be a support system to you. He has to pour his energy foremost into his own sons. You can't demand/ expect from someone to put your well being before themselves and the people they have an obligation to. I am not trying to be mean to you or judge you, but I am trying to tell you that you can't maintain this relationship for the time being. It's wrong for many different reasons. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Thats why i came on here cos i am aware of my behaviour and my responsibility.....needed other opinions....i know i did wrong..i was not using fogetting medication as an excuse...just trying to explain that i suffer from depression...give you an idea of the sorta person i am but you have decided that i am a monster......an abuser... as i said i have no one to talk to about this and thats why i came on here...not hoping for forgiveness ...i know there is no forgiveness...just hoping that somone could help me with the path to take....hope neither of you ever find yourself alone in this world...thanks I said you were behaving like a monster and this " i said to my bf that i am the one being punished ...i am the one being told i cant go to his house and that he will "socialise"with his sons families without me" is trying to be seen as the victim when you are indeed the abuser. You need to own up to responsibility in this. What you did was uncalled for - and frankly a crime. Personally, if you lose your temper like this I fear for the health and safety of your own son as should you. You have a responsibility to get some help before it happens again. If you are on meds then you are under a doctor's care. Get an appointment to speak with a therapist. Your feelings of loneliness are an indication that you need help - group therapy can be very effective with the right group and therapist. You have a son that needs you so to claim that you are alone in this world is another way to play the victim. Its just really clear you need to call a professional - your meds may vary well need to be adjusted and your doctor needs to be made aware of your outburst with your bf's son. I can't stress enough how much you need to leave this family alone and get yourself under control. There is not a single person on this board who would tell a woman who's bf did exactly what you did that it would be okay to allow him back into the house. We would all be telling her that's its not okay to hit anyone under any circumstance. I know you are desperately clinging to your bf's approval to assure you its ok but you need to own up and get yourself some therapy - call today... do it now. You need to take care of yourself for your own son's well being. Do this for yourself and for him. HUGS! Link to comment
bulletproof Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 as i said i have no one to talk to about this and thats why i came on here...not hoping for forgiveness ...i know there is no forgiveness...just hoping that somone could help me with the path to take....hope neither of you ever find yourself alone in this world...thanks The people posting here *are* telling you what path to take- they are saying that you need to end the relationship and work on your own issues, and I agree with them. To say "hope neither of you ever find yourself alone in this world" is not only nasty, it's irrelevant. This isn't about you being alone. It's about you committing an act of violence, then listing various reasons why this occurred instead of accepting responsibility. You didn't take your meds, your bf didn't come sit by you, the child was talking badly about your son- these are all excuses. Yes, it is a bad situation, but the best thing you can do is to accept responsibility for your actions, make amends with both the father and the son (and anyone else that was present), and move forward with your life. Link to comment
doobry Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 i have emailed my bf with copies of yours and catsmeeow replies....i cant stop crying..i feel so ashamed at everything..i have dissed his kids ..knocked everything and now i see how i shouldve just accepted them...he still texted me back that "we are strong enough to work this out"....its tearing me up.. stupid i know but i have just realised how selfish and jealous i am.....thanks you have helped me...opened my eyes Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Wow, I totally agree. I would also count yourself lucky he did not have you charged with assault. Anyone hitting my son would be charged with assault and I would never see them again or even talk to them. I agree,therapy is needed or an adjustment in medication. Medications can make people violent if it is the wrong medication for you or the wrong dose. Not all medications work the same for all people. Have you had incidents where you have been violent before? I also agree on leaving this family alone, they seem to be doing well, they get along with their father, the father gets along with the mothers. It all seems the best for them and for his sons. His sons also need a dad at this point in their life. You have your own very serious issues you need to work on,before you insert yourself into someone's family. Link to comment
doobry Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 i was playing the victim and did feel the victim ...if only i had just left....i see i have problems and will consultv the doctor..thank you Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 It is really worth looking into, my son was on a medication that made him violent when he was smaller, when we took him off the medication he returned to his sunny self. Not all medications work the same for all people. All dr's can tell you is how it has worked in studies, not how it works with the chemistry of ALL people. Believe me you will feel better if you can talk about your issues and emotions with someone and find a place where you are happy, and then you can have a satisfying relationship with someone. Link to comment
doobry Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I have flipped before...not physically against a person but to the extent of smashing things...its like i take so much and cant take no more...last time it happened the doc said i had a nervous breakdown......i have been on antidepressants best part of 18 years....lately i know the prozac wasnt working cos i was soo sad ,tired and couldnt be bothered so the doc said double thedose after doing blood tests for diabeties and thyroid.... i dont want to be like this i want to be normal Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Good luck with your therapy. Post here if you feel alone and need some outside input and perspective. Count yourself lucky that he is offering to work this out. However, I STRONGLY recommend that for the time being you distance yourself and take a break from this relationship. You will have to focus on yourself and worrying about a relationship will only distract you from that path. Once you are in a better place you can still re-evalue your relationship with him. It's also important that he has the time and opportunity to think through everything. Suggesting to have you as a secret girlfriend is equally an undesirable solution and doesn't suggest that he is coming from a genuine well thought-through plan with everyone's interest and well being at heart. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Good luck with your therapy. Post here if you feel alone and need some outside input and perspective. Count yourself lucky that he is offering to work this out. However, I STRONGLY recommend that for the time being you distance yourself and take a break from this relationship. You will have to focus on yourself and worrying about a relationship will only distract you from that path. Once you are in a better place you can still re-evalue your relationship with him. It's also important that he has the time and opportunity to think through everything. Suggesting to have you as a secret girlfriend is equally an undesirable solution and doesn't suggest that he is coming from a genuine well thought-through plan with everyone's interest and well being at heart. This is very good advice.... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I have flipped before...not physically against a person but to the extent of smashing things...its like i take so much and cant take no more...last time it happened the doc said i had a nervous breakdown......i have been on antidepressants best part of 18 years....lately i know the prozac wasnt working cos i was soo sad ,tired and couldnt be bothered so the doc said double thedose after doing blood tests for diabeties and thyroid.... i dont want to be like this i want to be normal Some people have success with therapy and medication. For your own sake and for your son's sake, remember you are HIS example of how to deal with life and depression, proactively advocate for yourself. Link to comment
doobry Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 he hasnt kept me secret ..his sons know he was here last night but i know things arent right with me.....thank you Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Didn't he say that he doesn't want you a part of his social life anymore in response to this happening? I.e. this means he is suggesting to separate you from the rest of his life, i.e. he doesn't want to integrate you, i.e you are not going to be the official partner. maybe it wouldn't be a secret - but you wouldn't be a part of him. That is no longterm solution to have a healthy relationship. But all of this is irrelevant for the time being. You need to get to a better place, find a proper treatment regime for your depression, before worrying about a relationship Link to comment
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