Will being "friends" with my ex kill any chance of getting back together?

[mooie]

Its been about 3 weeks since my boyfriend broke up with me. We had been fighting a lot lately; both of us were facing family troubles, and it really affected how we dealt with each other. In the end,he told me he wanted to break up because he couldn't stand making me cry anymore, and he didn't feel that the good times we spent together were worth my tears. He still wanted to be friends though... and I agreed, thinking that maybe I would be able to show him how happy being with him really made me. Over the weeks, he's told me he's gotten over me, and that he doesn't to be in a relationship anymore... even with me cause he doesn't feel it will work out, and that's not what he wants anymore. He tells me he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, but when I asked him straight out if he still loved me, he wouldn't answer. We still call each other by our pet names, he calls me kitty, I call him rin, and he treats me WAY differently than his other friends, even his other female friends. When he talks to them, his voice is all low and serious and gruff, but when he talks to me, his voice is all sweet and gentle... and he still cares what I think about him. Like his female friends call him a jerk and names and stuff, kinda like a hate hate buddy relationship, and he laughs it off, cause he says he doesn't care what anyone thinks of him, friends or family. But, if I ever say something mean like that, even as a joke, he gets upset... and when I ask him about it, he says I'm an exception... and he still cares what I think about him. I really don't understand him... is he really over me like he says he is? And if he is... is being friends with him like we are now, killing any chance of us rekindling our spark and getting back together? I'd really like some advice/input... as I've never been in a situation like this. None of my previous exes have ever wanted to continue any kind of relationship after we broke up... and I've never wanted to with them either. I was always a, 'if you don't want me or this relationship anymore, that's fine with me, I'll find better', kind of girl... but for some reason, I really fell for this guy... I don't want to find better... I want him... I want, I need another chance with him. Bleh, I'm getting soft... ah well, love does that from time to time.

[endy]

I don't know if he's really over you or not, but you need to get really over him and move on IMO. Staying friends with him is not going to help that process. I don't know why I see it lately but some people want to stay friends. All it does is promote more pain. If they aren't there, they can't hurt you anymore. What are you going to do if he hooks up with another girl and you see that in the state you are in right now? People don't miss what they know they can already have. If you want any chance of getting him back you need to have more boundaries and take yourself out of the situation.

 

What you're going through right now is not being abandoned by someone. So you are hanging onto hope because he is still there to talk to etc. He has all of the power, you need to take that power back. When we are broken up with, we actually go through withdrawal from a person, and almost everyone goes through it. What this is doing is enabling you not to feel that, but one way or another, most likely that's what's going to happen. You are also looking for every little clue that he wants you back and overanalyzing everything. Here are the facts, he dumped you. He's not your boyfriend anymore. He said he wanted to be friends and you agreed. Which basically is saying, I'm here! You can have me back if you want me, but he already made his choice. It's going to be best for you to stop talking to him and move on IMO.

 

If he does want you back, and you go NC on his ass, he's going to wonder * * * is going on. Maybe he will miss you and want you back. Maybe he will just move on. Either way you are giving away all your power. Take it back.

[lukeb]

I totally agree with endy here, dump his ass. What you're doing is trying to hold on to what you had with this guy after he dumped you. Big mistake it wil only lead to more heartache.

[dramallama]

Following on with what endy said... if he treats you so differently and had a special place in his heart for you, then it really wouldn't be that much of a jump for him to be in a relationship with you, would it? But if he doesn't want to be in one with you, then what he is doing isn't nice at all - he is not wanting to be with you, but still wanting to keep one hand on you so that other people can't see how great you are and commit to you, even though he doesn't want commitment.

 

He is not going to realise what life is like without you if you are letting him get the milk for free. How is he going to live with the consequence of telling you that he doesn't want to be with you if give him all the benefits of a girlfriend without him having to commit? So go complete No Contact - tell him that it's not working for you because you two both want different things from another, then delete him from facebook (not optional) and stop with all the cutsey names and anything that is reserved for people in relationships. In fact, cut all contact, period. It's not to get him back, it's to move on from someone that has already chosen not to be with you.

[greywolf]

I know that this is different from what most people say here, but I don't think friendship kills your chances of getting back together with your ex. It's the groveling, and the begging, and going out of your way to please your ex that kills it. So when I say 'friendship,' I mean real friendship. Not staying friends with your ex hoping you'll get back together, or staying around to pick up whatever scraps they throw your way.

[Carus]

Here is a whole thread on the subject:

 

Best of Luck

8-)

[MakeItCount]

I know that this is different from what most people say here, but I don't think friendship kills your chances of getting back together with your ex. It's the groveling, and the begging, and going out of your way to please your ex that kills it. So when I say 'friendship,' I mean real friendship. Not staying friends with your ex hoping you'll get back together, or staying around to pick up whatever scraps they throw your way.

 

Fully agree with this. Regardless of the situation (didn't read all of it, in a hurry lol), it's up to YOU whether or not you can be his friend. I don't think it's a great idea since it's not fair to you to want something and try to get it under false pretenses. Not many people have the fortitude to do this.

[endy]

Fully agree with this. Regardless of the situation (didn't read all of it, in a hurry lol), it's up to YOU whether or not you can be his friend. I don't think it's a great idea since it's not fair to you to want something and try to get it under false pretenses. Not many people have the fortitude to do this.

 

How can you be friends with someone who JUST broke mutual trust? I don't even think it's possible to be "true friends". With that said, I suppose if you have enough distance from that person, and you can re-attract them the right way... it's possible in some cases. I agree that not many people are capable of this. Usually they are just holding up hope and that's all they are going to get is friends. Then, when the person doesn't want them back, because they've made themselves so readily available they are going to suffer more pain. Usually it results in the dumpee being rebroken after they have had enough. Save yourself the pain OP.

 

It's not about getting them back to me, it's about getting your self back first. Why give another person something broken? You guys all know I'm about healing and growing. I think that's the best thing to do in almost any situation. If not, then my advice reflects that and it's rare.

[DennisK]

I agree with MakeItCount, that only you can decide what you want to do. If you want to stay friends and you think you can handle it, then go ahead. But be prepared for it to just make the hurt go on longer if he continues to not give you the love you so deperately desire.

 

In some instances, staying friends in the hope of reconciliation can work but the dumpee has to be willing to accept the risks of just being hurt more and go into it with their eyes fully open. I recently had to make the same decision with my now ex-fiance and I chose to not remain friends. To me, it would just be too hard to want something more than she does, I couldn't handle it if she got with somebody else with me still hanging around and with NC I can heal quicker and it has the added bonus of her missing me more. Another reason, is that I think we both need to change certain things to make any possible reconcilation last longer than another few months and the best way to do this, is while you are totally out of the relationship so you can concentrate on YOU.

[Vaglar]

Hey mooie, do you have any updates on your situation?