I need advice on how to approach a girl that is "hearing impaired"

[Jeremiah52792]

There is this girl in this restaurant that is "hearing impaired" and we make eye contact alot and Im really attracted to her. Ive never approached her or anything. I wanted to ask her to dinner but I wanted to learn some sign language before I tried to ask. I want her to know that I want to learn ASL for her. Does anybody know of things i shouldnt do when approaching a "hearing impaired" person? I dont know what to do, I just need help

[Ms Darcy]

Start learning sign language now. At least learn this: "Hi, my name is XXX. I don't know sign language well ... I am just learning. I learned this so I could talk to you. I think you are very pretty and nice. I like pandas and candlelight. Would you like to go to dinner with me?"

[InkkedBree]

Luckily, I'm hard of hearing myself. So let me start with by calling one "hearing impaired" is a n-word to the Deaf community. Anyway, that aside, go for it. Just show motivation, learn ASL, start with learning the ABC's. Tell her that you're learning because of her. If she's of the Deaf community, (I'm not sure of the ones far removed of it), we're usually blunt with how we feel and all so you may get something direct you don't need to decode. Perhaps not. Depends on the individual of course. Just keep in mind: do not stop signing and do not stop trying and to be patient.

 

If she can hear a bit, have hearing aids, and/or lipread some, may aid her. Grab a pen and a notepad or something if all fails. But take sign language a pirority. Just be mindful of who she is, as in what needs such as setting captioning on televisions for her but do not think of her having a disability and do think of her as a hard of hearing person or a deaf person, just another facet of minorities.

[RedDress]

So... this is a bit of a weird question... but are you sure that sign language is her only form of communication?

 

I've known many hearing impaired people in my life and most of them (almost all, actually) had developed the ability to read lips. The key to this is to really make sure that your lips are visible at all times. You have to look at them when you speak (this is harder than you think) and make sure that you enunciate and don't wipe your mouth or anything when you speak. While many of them also sign, they might look at you funny especially if you don't know what you are doing. LOL!

 

While it's a sweet concept, I don't know how you are going to have dinner with someone if you can't communicate with them. And... you don't even know if she is interested!

 

I say, swing by, say "hello", smile and drop her a note to ask her to dinner. If she says yes... buy one of those tiny white boards along with you on the date. This way you can write to each other, draw funny little pictures, etc. Learn sign language when you know she likes you and wants to date you.

 

Like any other language, sign language will take a LONG time to learn. And they sign fast!!! LOL! You are out of your league in that department if you don't know any. I say... acknowledge it and be cute about it, rather than trying to impress and struggle.

[lukeb]

Nothing wrong with learning sign language or any other language for that matter. Make sure you are attracted to her because of her, not because of her "disability".

[abitbroken]

InkkedBree - what are we supposed to refer to the situation as? I thought "hearing impaired" was the polite thing, as "deaf" sometimes has the connotation of the more offensive "deaf and dumb". Or do we just call a spade and spade and say that someone is "deaf"? I don't know - "hearing challenged" just seems way too overtly awkward and PC.

 

Nothing wrong with learning sign language or any other language for that matter. Make sure you are attracted to her because of her, not because of her "disability".

 

Umm...really? He mentioned he thought she was attractive. I think its sweet that he tries to learn a few words.

[RedDress]

Umm...really? He mentioned he thought she was attractive. I think its sweet that he tries to learn a few words.

 

I don't think it's a weird comment... the thought crossed my mind too.

 

What usually happens when you see a cute person in a restaurant? You interact with them on some level to see if they are even a nice person, if they are single, etc. before you even think about asking them out. He clearly hasn't interacted with her at all or he'd know how to ask her out.

 

It would be different if he had interacted with her (either through mutual friends, a group setting, someone signing for him) and he was enchanted... but this is just a pretty girl in a restaurant. Just because she has a "disability" doesn't make her nice or even interested... isn't that kind of rude? I mean... "she's deaf, therefore no-one would want her, so she must be single and want to talk to me". Kinda gives off that vibe. Isn't learning a whole new language to talk to a complete stranger kind of overkill? Maybe she's married!

 

Some men have a "prince charming" complex and want to run in and "save" women. Are we sure that's not what's going on here? Why all the effort for a stranger? Cause she's pretty? Or because she's pretty and he thinks she's "helpless" and needs "saving"?

 

Not saying this is necessarily what's going on here... but I think it's a valid point.

[InkkedBree]

InkkedBree - what are we supposed to refer to the situation as? I thought "hearing impaired" was the polite thing, as "deaf" sometimes has the connotation of the more offensive "deaf and dumb". Or do we just call a spade and spade and say that someone is "deaf"? I don't know - "hearing challenged" just seems way too overtly awkward and PC.

 

Well. See, this would be the Deaf community's way of thinking: Why refer it to a special kind of a situation? Why is it a situation? Are we not the same?

There are reasons to this, of course. Hearing impaired implies we are imperfect copies of hearing people, which gives not a good psychological foundation of who we are, we will lack a solid sense of who we are because of the constant thought and the implication and the statement that we are flawed, needs to be fixed, being lab rats (and we are, I have been ushered so many times in different things in hospitals, in whatever), that we are disabled even though we just happen to be able to do everything... Except hear. Which makes a tiny difference to us, and we do have different ways to "hear" such as vibrations for music. Of course, hearing impaired would be acceptable to those far, far, far of the Deaf community such as those who are 80 and just lost their hearing. In a way, it makes sense, they are hearing, and they aren't anymore. It's a different identity. Being Deaf is a different perspection, a different identity, a different idea. All those "PC" terms holds value on being hearing, that this is the way it should be, and this is kind of a society where they would list illness after illness and set a standard of who we all should be even though we all cannot be the same. We all need different ways to get to the highest points of who we are. Unfortuneately, 95% of the world are hearing and do not understand this and treat us stupid, with illness, something to be fixed, and so on.

 

We are deaf (Deaf with a capital D to mean that we identify being deaf in the Deaf community, an identity thing) or hard of hearing. Just who we are. Nothing more, nothing less, and we still have a name. I'm hard of hearing and I'm Deaf.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Jeremiah,

These are just my suggestions. Very likely if she is working in the resturant that she is quite skilled in lip reading so make sure you are facing her when speaking.

 

With regard to asking her for dinner, I would suggest that you in fact just ask her what she really enjoys doing, and then invite to take her to that, ie if she likes something like bowling, skating, whatever. If her speech is difficult to understand at first, going to dinner could become awkward for both of you. If you do some type of shared activity together, the communication will develop more positively I think.

 

I've worked in disability for quite a number of years. In Australia, some of the terms which Americans use are politically incorrect to people with disabilities or those who work in the disability sector in Australia. Likely some of the things we say and do are politically incorrect to Americans and other cultures. The thing is that language and it's meaning and implications changes all of the time, especially in disability. I'm sure I've made many faux pas without meaning too. I do think though that people, regardless of disability will tune in to whether or not you are genuine. Oh and remember that if she is deaf, she likely has compensatory skills elsewhere - ie visually - she is more aware of visual details than people who do not have hearing impairment.