I just want someone to be there.

[anotherproblem]

Where to begin...

 

Well, I'm currently crying my eyes out right now (real manly, right?) because I just got out of another serious argument with my "best friend" / unofficial counselor.

 

Well I suppose he's not my best friend anymore. Apparently that's what he thinks.

 

I've been depressed for a bit over a year now. 13 months as of today, in fact. He's been there with me all the way. He used to be supportive. Now he says he's frustrated. All he does is scream at me, make sarcastic remarks like "You say I don't care about you? Haha." and tell me to "snap out of it" because apparently that's the only way I'm going to get better. He says he doesn't have to be supportive. He doesn't pity me. He never did. All I need to do is just get up and walk out of this depression.

 

The thing is, he's done a lot of things this past year to promote my depression. Two of those things caused me to try and kill myself, but to no avail. He still insists its ALL my fault. And to some extent it is. But I feel he's partly responsible as well. Of course I would never say that to him because I do care about him and his feelings. I guess he doesn't feel the same way.

 

All I feel is anger and frustration from him now. Like all he wants to do is hurt me. He said he wouldn't say "I was important to him" because he didn't want me to get attached since that was part of the problem with me being jealous of his achievements. He said he wouldn't pity me because that's apparently not the way to solve these problems.

 

I realize that it has been stressful for him this past year having to listen to my problems and carry the burden of finding a solution that does not exist.

 

I thought we were friends. But I guess we're not now. I've lost my only friend in the world. I really have nobody else to turn to. It hurts.

 

All I want is someone to tell me that I matter. Someone that genuinely cares about what I have to say. Someone that's there for me.

 

I'm so tired of all of this.

[DoGGYtREAts]

First, You should really talk to a qualified Therapist /counselor. I have been there. I have had depression problems most of my life. Trust me it DOES help. Suicide is never the answer.

 

You need to Care about your self and get Help right now, You cannot judge your worth on what others think of you.

[enzarto]

First off, I'm quite sorry for how you feel, and to be honest, from this story you're telling me, it's your perception of life that's killing you. Suicide is just admitting defeat and not challenging the tight corridors and "seeming" traps that life has to offer. Where there is a will, there is a way. You need to replace negative thoughts with opportunities, with positive opportunistic thinking. A therapist as mentioned above is a great venture to understanding yourself, because it allows someone to look through the window to your character, lifestyle etc. Next up, the ONLY person who should be saying you matter is YOU. sorry, NO ONE can do that for you, truly. Sure people may say that to you whether honest or not, but that belief that is bore solely in confidence can be sprung by you and you only. SUPPORT is different, it's to help you climb the ladder, but, well this goes with the old saying you can take a horse to the water but you can't make it drink.

 

You need to build self worth and one way to begin to doing that is to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself your better. Identify the problems (core issues) and solve them without turning back or repeating things that are counter productive (helping you move backwards). You need to start climbing by yourself, take the reings, and part of being 'manly' is stepping up and saying you need help. This person you speak of, your friend, may very well be valuable, but he's not you, You're you. You didn't end up on this planet to be fed by others in order to grow, you need to learn to acquire your own ability and self worth. It can happen instantly, you just need to usurp your bad thoughts with good ones, see failures as learning opportunities. See people, perhaps greater egos, personalities, or successful people as those you can learn from.

 

Start planting good seeds within you, you'll see growth, I wish you luck. Please let me know you're progress

[jas56]

I second that Doggytreats & enzarto . You have put so much on this one person that you have become heavily dependent on them. That can be dangerous in itself. I know that you rely on this person to get you out of certain situations but when it gets to the point where you feel this person is causing more harm than good, its time for you to step away and talk to someone who is more qualified. People will in one way or the other always let you down in some way. Most times they don't mean to because hey life gets in the way for all of us. It doesn't mean (usually) that they don't care. Im glad you found this site, at least you could post here to let out some of your frustration. Know that we are here to help, we care. Take it easy.

[anotherproblem]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I've kind of smoothed things over with him. He was just frustrated that nothing he did seemed to work. And I think it is partially my fault. The more I get attached to him, the more negative I become. And I kind of don't want that to happen. I don't know, I'm kind of using that as motivation right now. The whole "if I don't get better, we'll eventually stop being friends because my depression will drive us apart" kind of thing.

 

As for the suggestions for therapy... Its not something I'm particularly open to. I have serious social anxiety issues, my best friend is literally the only person I talk to and even though we've known each other for so long, sometimes I still have trouble talking to him. Also, there's the whole deal with medication... Not something I really want to get into, but it seems like I'm running out of options now.

 

The reason why I find it so hard to change my way of thinking is because I'm constantly kind of... discouraged by the things he's done in the past that seem so much greater than my achievements in life. He's much more sociable, much more popular, much more attractive, etc. etc. And sometimes I just get so discouraged by the things he does, I guess I panic and turn to suicide as an answer... I really don't know how long this can keep up.

 

The thing is, I don't believe I have the strength to do this myself. There just seems to be so many problems.

[Moonchill]

The mistake many,many people make when they are in a serious depression is the following : they compare themselves too much to people around them that are functioning way better than they are.

I have had experiences with depression ( I'm still not out of it yet ) and if there's one thing I can tell you it's this : the only people who cán understand depression, like réally understand it, are the ones who have had it themselves. So please don't think your friend understands it. He will get frustrated. That's what friends do. Atleast that's what a good friend of mine did back when he lived close to me and experienced how it was to live close to someone in a deep depression. He said things he regretted later. I just want you to know that even though it does not seem like a positive thing.. The fact that he gets frustrated and does not have the patience with your depression is a sign that he cares. He cares a lot. He wants you to feel better but he is frustrated that he can not speed it up for you or have a positive impact on it.

Maybe if you figure out what he can do for you and explain it to him he won't feel powerless about the whole situation

[enzarto]

Truth to be told. Projection is a huge way to show immaturity and failure, it's not partially your fault, it's all yours if you're blaming anyway. If you found enough value within, you wouldn't bother blaming others....

[chitown9]

I read all these posts and I see it this way. You say you want to get out of your depression, yet you resist in implementing therapy and prescribed medication that is specifically for depression. You are refusing to implement the most sucessful way known to treat depression, yet you don't want to utilize those methods. Do you see why I am trying to convey to you? I think that is what makes the situation frustrating. My late mother suffered from depression and I was always there for her because she did everything and anything that was recommended to her. You want help but refuse the methods. ](*,)