How I saw the relationship before the break up. Then After...(Long Story)

[Chuck Bartowsk]

THE BEFORE STORY

 

So here is my story. My ex and I started dating in early 2003. We fell in love very quickly and were engaged within a month. I know, to fast. Never the less it happened. After a month of dating I lost my job and a month after that she lost hers. I ended up moving out of state to live with my family to save money so we could get married. That didn't last but a couple of weeks. I missed her and she missed me so I moved back into my original house and secured a new job she remained unemployed.

After a couple more months went by I discovered she had an addiction to Vicodin and had been for a couple years. Now, I don't drink and I abhor drugs, prescribed or not. I started to lose faith in the relationship because I felt by her hiding this fact it was the same as lying to me. I decided to stand by her and help her get off the pills. She claimed they were to help her migraines but didn't realize that the headaches were caused by the withdrawal. We got her set up with a pain management center and what did they do? They replace the Vicodin with methadone. At this same time she begins treatment for sleep apnea. Now all these little tensions start to take their toll on us and start to argue on a regular basis. But we were both dedicated to being together and working through the issues. At this point we had called off the engagement.

Fast forward a year later. She has moved back to her mom’s house an hour away from me. She is now addicted to the methadone and another doctor has prescribed Ritalin because her sleep apnea doesn’t let her get restful sleep and the drug was to help keep her awake. We continue to have our ups and downs throughout the relationship, 50/50 good and bad. She wants to still marry me but in my heart I was growing angrier by the day. Now keep this in mind as you read this, my anger was starting before I met her and was getting stronger all the time. The circumstances of our relationship were just fuel to the fire. Anyway, in 2007 she can't handle living at her moms anymore with her mom’s husband around. They actually fought more often and harder than her and I did. And of course this bled over into our relationship. We moved her out of her moms into a small cottage about 10 miles away and of course it was now further for me to drive on my days off. I worked retail and my schedule was sporadic and I didn't always have 2 days off in a row and usually not on the weekend. I started to notice that she kept getting thinner and thinner. I asked if she was eating enough and she said she was. She also kept running out of the Ritalin early. Now keep in mind, her mom is paying all her bills because she is to "Ill" to work and has been unemployed for 4 years at this point.

She had been living in the cottage for a couple months at this point and her mom had gone to Sweden to visit family for a month (Swedish immigrant) I got a call from her brother because he felt I should know that she had started to crush and snort the Ritalin. A couple days later on a Sunday I was at work when she calls me to tell me she had been in a car accident. I immediately left work to go to her. Come to find out the accident was the day before. She had passed out at wheel due withdrawal from the Ritalin. Her Explorer was totaled but she was unhurt. When I got up to her house and started to talk about what had happened I really saw how thin she was. She was literally a walking skeleton. I told her right then that she was an addict and was going to die if she did not get help. I took her to her mom’s house and had her call her mom in Sweden to tell her what was going on. I spoke with her mom and told her that we needed to move her back in and get her some help. So we did and she worked with her doctor to get off both the Ritalin and the Methadone. She started to gain her weight back and looked great.

By this time I had become very emotionally distant. I started a new job in April of 2008 and was no longer in retail. As the next couple months went by she started to get involved with a recovery ministry and they started to make her feel guilty about not being married at 35 years old and still staying with me if I wouldn't commit to marriage. We had a small argument one day on the phone as I was leaving work. I told her to call me later as I couldn't talk and Ride the motorcycle at the same time. Well, She didn't call me back that night. I got pissed and decided to just not call until she called first. She finally did, 3 WEEKS LATER! She called to break up with me. By this time I was very cold and unattached. I said fine and asked if she had met someone else. She had, so I said ok, good bye then. I didn't hear from her for about a month. So I am sitting on the couch on night and my phone rings, I look at the caller ID and it's her. I was friendly when I answered. We had a nice superficial conversation and then she asked If I was still single. I told her yes and asked why she wanted to know. Turns out the guy she dated turned out to be more non-committal than me. She asked me to come up and see her so I did. I had missed her a little. So we ended up back together. Things quickly went right back back to normal and I again became emotionally distant. Towards the end of summer she experienced a false pregnancy and with her obsession to be a mom, this sent her over the edge. She called me at work and was threatening suicide and her mom and I had no choice but to call the police and try to find her. The police found her in the hospital parking lot of all places. Her mom and I were not allowed to approach her. They took her in on a suspected 5150. Her mom and her mom’s friend and I went back to the house to discuss the situation. We were told they were going to keep her overnight. As we started to compare experiences we realized that she was taking a new anti anxiety drug and also drinking a lot of alcohol. A call came in and she was to be released to her mom’s custody. Her mom suggested I not be there and I agreed. We didn't talk for a couple days. When we did it was a cold conversation. We somehow managed to stay together though.

As fall progressed she was getting obsessed with moving out of her moms again and her mom agreed to get her another place. A week before Thanks giving we moved her into a nice cottage in the foothills on a large plot of land. The day we moved her in she was displaying some very disturbing behavior. Walking around crying and talking to herself. She still had no utilities so that night I took her back to her mom’s and asked her mom to keep an eye on her. I had to leave to be at work early the next morning. I had only been at work for a couple hours when her mom calls me to tell me she had been taken into the mental ward at the hospital. She had been wandering up and down the street saying that God had spoken to her and she entered a neighbor’s house without permission. The neighbor called the police and she was taken in on a 5150 again. The first one was never processed. Anyway, she spent Thanksgiving week in the hospital. Her mom and I did some research the anti-anxiety meds she was taking and found out that an overdose could cause a mental collapse. Her mom asked that I not visit so she could focus on getting better. I sent messages through her mom. When she got home a week later she called and told me that if I did not come up right then we were done. I went up and we talked about what had happened. We managed to get passed this and things were slowly getting a little better between us. She was now drug free and alcohol free. The unfortunate affect of all this was that I was so emotionally distant now and I felt as if I was fighting for my own sanity.

I was laid off my job in March2009 but started another job in April. Once again, with another reduction in pay. For the last 2 years I have been so stressed over finances and her consistent nagging about marriage made me more emotionally distant and it started to take its toll on her. We were getting older and she wanted to get married and have children. I started to push her away thinking she cared nothing about what I needed or wanted in life. Eventually, I got what I thought I wanted; she finally broke up with me. That was 42 days ago.

Now keep in mind as you read this, this is how I viewed everything up to the break up. After the B/U I was forced to look at my contribution to the demise of the relationship.

[Chuck Bartowsk]

I am still writing the after so To Be Continued...

[Chuck Bartowsk]

42 DAYS LATER…

As the inevitable was looming, the day we would go our separate ways I began to try and get out of my darkness but, to no avail. Thoughts would start to come into my head about getting married but I would dismiss them and stand pig headed to my course. My best friend lives in Sydney Australia. We have been discussing my potential move down under. I told her a year ago about it and at first she was positive about us going but it soon disappeared from conversation. That is because of the doubts I had about us. Once again I thought she was dismissing me and my dreams. When we finally parted it was a mutual decision. We had been fighting on mothers day before we went to dinner with her family. After dinner we talked and “made up”. I knew she would be leaving in the morning and that would be the end. I was so sad and emotionally paralyzed. My heart was screaming at me to ask her to stay and she didn’t want this because she did truly love me and even asked if I would reconsider. My anger over all that had transpired would not let me speak. I wanted to tell her I wanted to spend my life with her and raise a family together in Australia. We had a rough 8 years but we shared more good times than bad. I still loved her but thought I was doing the right thing for her.

 

After she left we spoke on the phone every day during the next week. She had strted a profile on a dating website and already had a date a week after we split. She even called me the morning of the date nervous about it. In hind sight this was my last opportunity to say “Don’t Go, I love you and want you to be with me.” Like a fool, I didn’t. I figured I would hear from her after the date. My anxiety was on high that night. I didn’t hear from her for 4 days. She called me on the following Thursday and asked how I was doing. I was not doing well, I missed her tremendously but my pride wouldn’t let me say it. She had gone out with him 2 times and was going to concert that Sunday night. She was laso starting a new job on Monday. That Sunday night I sent a very nasty letter to her blaming her for breaking us up and not “loving me for just me” I titled the email “Good bye” She ended up reading it at 4 am Monday morning and was in an absolute panic thinking I was suicidal. She called me at 5:15am to check on me. I told her I wasn’t suicidal and I told her I was just angry and wanted to get the feelings off my chest. Boy, was that a dumb move. I told her I wanted to work on us and that I loved her and missed her. She returned the sentiment but said she was in love with someone else (after a week and 3 dates). She did mention that she had taken her profile down of the website( I looked later and it was gone.) Then she says she didn’t know if it would work out with this guy. She is obviously very confused at this point. Torn between her love for me after 8 years and the excitement of a new possibility. The next day for me was excruciating. Al the emotions I had been bottling up for years came out. All the anger, the hatred, the pain confusion and eventually the love I had for her. It was a complete and utter wake up call! I went through a lot of prayer and crying and looking at what I did wrong that day. What I should have done and how could I get her back. I wrote her another letter asking her to forgive me and if we could work it out .The typical reaction to being in that spot. But I didn’t send it. Something told me not to so I met up with an old friend that night and we talked about it for a few hours. She told me not to send the letter but to start a journal and write as if I was having a conversation with my ex. I did this and it kinda helped and I can now look back at it and see the changes taking place. I would write anytime I had a thought or feeling. Before I knew it I had written over 30 pages.

 

The following weekend was Memorial Day. And I had visions of her out having a grand time with her new date. The next few days were filled with the full spectrum of emotions. It was like suddenly I was aware of my own existence. I am sure many can relate. On the Tuesday following Memorial Day, I was online chatting with a friend. Something told me to check the website for her profile and it was back up and had been active over the weekend. I’m thinking the “rebound” must not have worked out. I got excited at what this could possibly mean. I called my friend in Australia and we talked about what this could possibly mean. He suggested I send the letter I had written but rewrite it first and make it perfect and it was. A couple days prior to this I had been reading a few articles on reverse psychology and the No Contact rule. I hadn’t found this site yet. So I waited a few days and even saw that she was “online now” on the dating site. I finally had the courage to send the letter that Saturday. I got no response for the next 3 days. I was on the verge of a heart attack with the level of anxiety in me. My friend in Australia told me to just call her and get it over with. So I sent her a text asking her if I could call her after work. She said I could and that she had read my letter. She said she wanted some time before responding to it. I was excited at this point. I got home and called her…No answer. Called a couple more times…Still no answer. Sent her a text telling her I won’t call again and if she still wanted to talk with me she could call. She did…3 Hours later at 12:30 am. She was obviously agitated at me right from the start. She said I ruined her day with my text and she went out just to avoid my call. She kept saying she has moved on and was still dating the “rebound”. I was calm and supportive and told her that I respected her decision. She wasn’t telling me everything that she was upset at. I know her all to well. So we talked for about 20 minutes and at the end I told her “ok, I’m gonna let you go now” and we ended the conversation. I was strangely at peace. I called my buddy in Oz and talked about the conversation and he agreed that something was up with her.

 

The next day at work I was writing an email to my buddy and was telling him more about my analysis of the conversation. I figured it would be a long time before I heard from her, if ever. So as I am writing the email I got a text from her. She asked me if I was to hurt or upset to help her with a cell phone issue (I work in the industry). I paused my email and had to think for a moment. Finally I asked her if she was at home. No response for a few minutes so I just sent via text the 1-800 number fior customer care and told her what she needed to do. So I finished my email telling my friend about the text. Ten minutes later I get a response from her and she, without directly stating it, wants me to call to help her so I do. She is being real sweet at this point. Me, I’m short on my comments but nice. So I tell her what to do and then the uncomfortable pause…She then asked how I was doing. I said Fine. She then asks if I am mad at her. I said nope. She keeps asking me questions and I just told her That I respected her decision to move on and now she needs to respect mine. I told her I love her very much but I need to move on as well. She mentioned that we don’t know what the future may hold. She then asks the question I knew she wanted to ask “Are you going to start dating?” I said “Yep”. Then she asks “Do you have anyone in mind?” I said “Yep” Then she says in a panic voice “WHO!?” I told her that it was my business and that once again I respected her decision to move on. I ended the conversation at that point. I went into full NC at that point. I found this site a few days later and have been reading a ton of stuff on here. All good info. I have sent her a final letter today to tell her I will be okay and that I am working on self healing and that I want her to be happy and that I loved her enough to let her go. Don’t know if I will hear from her again but “You never know what the future might hold”

 

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my story hopefully I can get some good feedback and learn a few more things. I have given this up to Jesus and He is in control. I will trust in His guidance from here on out.

[Silverbirch]

Sound slikely your girlfriend has either a personality disorder or mental illness such as bipolar. I don't believe you can help her, and there is a strong potential she will drag you all the way down with her. You really need to focus on caring for yourself. You trying to help her willonly be "enabling" her behaviour. It's going to be tough. Try and build up strong supports around you.