Requesting feedback

[Jeetsun]

Hi all,

 

I'm new to this site and have found some great content from various individuals that have gone through the trials and tribulations of relationships. Let me tell you about mine; I began a relationship with a woman I met at work. She's a police officer, I'm security officer, initially that didn't have any impact on the relationship, she was secure with that, later in the relationship I was not. Things started off fantastic as they usually do, she really fell head over heels, we had plenty to talk about and had similar interests. I really loved this woman as well; she's caring, compassionate, kind, loving, and so very thoughtful. After 8 months, I moved in with her. Four months after moving in with her I began to fall in a depression, I wasn't happy with where I was financially and hated my job, still do as a matter of fact. I closed up, became distant, withheld conversation, and even told a few white lies that began to compromise her trust in our relationship. That was incredibly stupid of me to do. She became distant as a result as well. We started to argue and I told her a separation was in order for me to sort out my baggage and work through my depression. She was very dismayed, but agreed. The next day I packed up all of my things while she was at work and moved out to prevent anymore arguments and moments of tension. She was hurt by that; it was never my intention to hurt her but she was taken back by that.

 

Ironic, that after a couple of weeks of moving out, it hit me hard and I felt even more depressed that I separated from someone who cared about me greatly. I got into counseling at my local church and started working on myself and still am. I then began every mistake in the book of trying to reconcile with my ex, being texts, letters and applying pressure. I've met with her several times telling her that I'm full of hurt and regret that I mistreated her, lied to her and what I plan to prevent that from ever happening again should she want to reconcile. She stated that she wants me to work on myself so that I can have relationships. She's extremely busy and has an array of stress going on right now, her best friend has possibly a cancerous tumor, her friends dad died, shes got school which she barely has time for as she also manages a fraternal order of police lodge, on top of working 50-60 hours a week. She's texted me telling me that she needs time, and I need time, basically telling me not to wait for her if I chose not to.

 

I made the decision to delete her off facebook to try to focus on healing. Once she found out she flipped out, said she knows where I truly stand on things now, which I interpreted as I no longer was committed to try to reconcile. She then stated that she was going to move the rest of my things outside of her door. I drove over and talked to her and calmed her, explained that this wasn't about me playing games, but was necessary that I focus on fixing myself instead of punishing myself by looking her page for hours throughout the week. She seemed receptive to my explanations and me expressing that I still very much loved her. She brought up that shes still very hurt from what transpired, and that she still cares about me so very much, but doesn't know what she wants right now. That was last wednesday. It's been a week. Her birthday was this past saturday and I perhaps made another mistake of sending her a card and again reiterating how much I wish to reconcile, and leaving it open-ended. No contact from her since. Can't say I don't see where she's coming from. She doesn't want to get hurt. Her past relationships have failed as a result of mistrust among other reasons. The men who have been in her life have been major assholes. I feel guilty and remorseful here for having told two very stupid white lies. I feel awful and depressed at present moment, even after expressing to her how much I hurt on a daily basis and wish to make it up to her.

 

Obviously I'm still clinging to hope here. I really do want things to work between us again, to show her that I have made strides in becoming the better man that I envision myself to be since our separation and will continue to do so, for myself. Half of me wants to believe there's still a possibility and the other half is wanting to recover.

[endy]

Obviously I'm still clinging to hope here. I really do want things to work between us again, to show her that I have made strides in becoming the better man that I envision myself to be since our separation and will continue to do so, for myself. Half of me wants to believe there's still a possibility and the other half is wanting to recover.

 

 

You need to show you you're a better man and that you have made strides and be happy for yourself. Try to read reconciliation by thich nhat hahn and possibly The journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson. I think there's probably a deeper issue here. Although I understand how you could get depressed, you shouldn't feel like less of a man. There's probably a deeper reason that you ran. Has this been a cycle in your past relationships at all? You running when someone else is getting close?

 

Depression is usually caused by keeping someone inside for too long, or not dealing with our emotions or thoughts the right way. Usually it's caused by repression. Keeping ourselves way too busy or not going back to ourself. First and foremost you need to figure out why you were depressed.

 

In the meantime take a step back and stop pushing. It comes off as needy and isn't really attractive to a woman. There's a lot of work you can do here. I was the same way myself at one point in life. How was you're household when you were growing up? Divorced parents? A parent leave at all?

[Jeetsun]

Hi endy,

 

I'm trying to analyze that myself, as to the reason I ran. She had her set of issues, but nothing I don't think I couldn't have handled. I think I learned that I do have a tendency to push others away when I perceive them getting closer than I want them to be. Thinking on things the past 2 months, I think I push others away as a result of those that I looked up to or became attached to when growing up, vanished from my life. It's a defense mechanism, if I don't get attached, I have no reason to be let down when they decide to exit my life. It's no way to live, especially if I want to have meaningful relationships. I suppose it's a catch-22 in that if you want to have a meaningful relationship, you have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. If you don't, then there will be nothing gained.

How was you're household when you were growing up? Divorced parents? A parent leave at all?

 

My parents divorced when I was 7. My father handled the divorce terribly, projecting on to my sister and I, he was miserable for years. He's gotten better over time, but growing up was rough around him, we chose not to spend the allotted weekends with him most of the time. I think at times I do tend to bottle things up; my father wasn't approachable (albeit my mother), not too many people were when I was growing up which would explain why I keep to myself and don't talk about my problems. I've only just begun counseling, too early to tell how much of an impact it's making.

 

I will check those books out on your recommendation endy, thank you.

[endy]

Yup, you have an abandonment issue man. I do too, and it's due to my grandfather dying when I was four mostly. Also the way I was talked to by my parents who weren't divorced. The thing is most people have these issues, some are just more severe and impact our adult relationships more. You definitely need to figure this one out before any relationship is going to thrive man. It will be an endless cycle that even the perfect woman won't change. You will still most likely run. Seriously this is the best thing that could have happened to you. Reconciliation, and the ideas in the other book go somewhat hand in hand. You're going to notice A LOT of pain you went through as a child. The books explain how it effects us when we are grown up.

 

My anger issue came from my dad. We ARE who our parents are. It's not their fault. They did the best they knew how to by how they were raised also. You are on the right track to making yourself a much better person and getting over this. It will take some time to work through, but seriously just stay NC for now. If you need to explain it to her that's fine. Tell her you realize you have some issues from when you were a child that you need to work on before you can get back into a relationship. Be honest with her. You need to do this for YOU first and foremost. If you are not right with yourself, then no relationship is going to be right for you. You'll be way better in a few months, and maybe be able to start that relationship over.

[Jeetsun]

Interesting. A month or so of counseling and they still haven't made the epiphany you've helped me realize. I suppose I've known it all along, but no one has brought it to my attention as you have. How did you discover your own abandonment issues, Endy? Did these books greatly help you in the healing process? Did it take a significant amount of time for you to heal?

 

What you've said makes a great deal of sense and resonates with me. I was hesitant to post my situation, but I'm glad that I did as you've helped me see this greatly from a different perspective I may not have noticed.

[endy]

Well, yes it did start with the books and this forum. I realized I was codependent. This came from the buddhism books and the ability to start knowing myself a lot better. I've done the healing/growing thing before. I never realized this until I was hurt so badly when my recent ex left unexpectedly. I was blind sided by it. I mean she had literally just had a misscarriage a month before, and left me for her ex bf, which by all means was almost inevitible. Oddly enough if this lesson was not learned... I would continue being with broken people. So I really can't thank my ex enough. I loved her so much it helped me realize this pattern. I went to WHY does this keep happening to me to... What is going on with me and why am I choosing this type of woman.

 

A lot of it is from the buddhism books because they talk about thinking deeply about yourself. They give you an exercise called mindfulness which the other book I suggested also talks about oddly enough. It allows you to have more insight and understanding on who you are, and why you are that way. It also helps you understand other people more.

 

I discovered I had an abandonment issue because of that book. I always thought I may have one, but when I realized the way I behaved when I broke up with someone... How long it took etc. It kills me. I mean it literally takes me way too long to get over someone. I see it a lot on this forum. The truth is MOST people have some type of issue like this. The deal is though, sometimes it's not THAT severe where it effects our relationships.

 

I am still in the process of healing, but I'm pretty much all the way there. I just need to put it all in practice. A lot of it is looking into your past and seeing how it really effected you. We don't think about it as adults conciously and that's why most people fail to realize why they run when someone gets close, or why they jump from relationship to relationship etc.

 

Abandonment doesn't have to do with someone dying always when you are young. It can be caused by several other factors as well. That book really jumps into it. Are you seeing a psychologist or is it just counseling? The books helped me realize it, and they also helped me recover from it. It's not hard to constantly remind yourself that it is the child in you who is still so scared. It's that 4 year old boy, who's first memory was his grandfather dying and days before boxing with him and playing with him. It's that child who fears being left again, not the grown up you.

 

The books I suggest you read are and in this order...

 

the one by susan anderson first and foremost...

 

Reconciliation and Anger by thich nhat hahn... Or any other book by him you find may help you. A lot of his books repeat the same ideas. Anger and reconciliation will definitely teach you how to deal with all of your emotions properly. The theory to me behind this is it gets you to not repress emotions and feelings. THIS IS very healthy. I am not a true practicing buddhist (not like a monk or go to temples etc). But I do practice mindfulness and deep looking daily. You'll understand once you read the books. Buddhism is not a religion per say. It's a way of thinking and living.

 

I also read being the strong man a woman wants, because I felt I wasn't quite enough of a leader in relationships. There's a lot of good wisdom in those books.

[endy]

Also, if you have problems thinking you're not good enough for someone or you are depressed or even if you always think negatively... Read you can heal your life by louise hay. What this is going to do is get you loving yourself, get your self confidence, and self worth up. It WILL help you in the future, and it also discusses the law of attraction... Which in my beliefs is VERY VERY real.

[mhowe]

once again, endy, amazing insight and direction. My bf suffers from many of these issues (death of father when he was in his teens, distant mother), and while bf is not much of a reader, he will listen when I talk....but he requires a lot of patience on my part.

[endy]

mhowe aren't you in the process of reconciliation? Do you think these might need to be addressed? If my ex came back I couldn't even think of reconciliation until she addressed those issues. She is one of the people that was greatly effected by it. I don't really believe she will have a healthy relationship until she takes a real good look at all of this and works on herself.

 

I don't want her to change for me or another chance but for her. IF I do talk to her I'm not even going to suggest it. She needs to see it for herself, all I can do is show her why and how I changed and maybe something will spark in her head for her future benefit. Only then would I even consider reconciliation or even talking about it.

 

In your case do you feel it's not that severe that it's going to cause an issue again in the relationship or did it ever?

 

.

[mhowe]

Yup, in the process. He is not greatly affected by it, and it really wasn't the cause of our break up --- the factors of the break up were other life stressors. However, I see the dynamic play itself out in his behaviors on occasion, as he can feel "unworthy" or "not good enough". He isn't codependent --- its more the abandonment issues play out in the push/pull dynamic --- if he feels he's getting too close, he pulls away. Previous to us reconciling, and my doing so much reading here and other sources, I would play into it ---- now I don't. And he is moving back faster each time it plays out. His fear is loving someone and having them leave --- ascerbated by the death of a friend 2 yrs ago, and then his mother one year ago.

[endy]

Can you clarify for others how you would play into it, and how you handle it now? I think it might help some people.

[mhowe]

For the first year or so of the relationship, everything was as you would expect...easy, fun, no arguements. Last April, his mom passed, and in hindsight, it was a trigger. His father died when he was 16 --- bf turned 50 last April as well. He started to withdraw....and having lost my father 5 yrs ago, I understood the stress and just backed off....but after a month or so, figured all was well. Not so.

 

As he continued to pull away, I pushed....called more, stopped by....and if I didn't hear from him, would jump all over him when I finally did. I took on way too much "ownership" of the relationship -- setting dates, dinners, "picking up something from the market", etc. And, the more I pushed, the more he pulled away. Yet when we were together, he was 110% present and involved; but I could feel him limiting himself. In fact, at one point I noticed he had stopped saying I love you, and his reply was "I don't want you to get too attached, I'm going to screw this up". What he was reallly saying, is "I dont want to get too attached, you will leave me too."

 

In Nov. I asked if he wanted out of the relationship, and he told me "that's not what I want at all". But his actions and his feelings were not in synch -- he was in fact, putting more distance. He broke up w/ me in Dec and came back mid April.

 

Now, in reconciliation, I don't respond to the distance in a positive or negative way. It's (the pulling away) not as strong as before, as it was his decision to come back, and he knows how I feel. He understands he owns the reconnecting process, which in my case means spending time together --- not so big on phone calls or txt msg.

 

I guess the biggest thing is that when he pulls away, and he still does, especially after we have just spent a great time together like a weekend away, I don't react. If I want to get in touch with him, I do --- but I don't hook into the "pull back". If I don't want to get in touch, I wait for him to do so, and if I am available and want to, I respond with enthusiasm. His feelings and actions are more in sync now -- he has told me how much he loves me, admires me and respects me....and for the most part, this is reflected in his actions.

 

I think the biggest difference is I am not reacting to his behaviour. And in not doing so, his behaviour has diminished, because it doesn't provoke a response.