How could this hurt so much after only a week?

[orillia]

So, I live in Los Angeles. LAst week was in the DC area to visit family and friends. Some friends of mine had a BBQ in my honor. I met a guy there. We had an amazing connection, both physical and mental. We spent the whole time talking and kissing and laughing...I gave him my number but didn't expect him to call, really, because of the distance. He did, and we ended up in the last week, texting, emailing, talking...I mean, 4 hour conversations.skype and phone. It was intense.

 

2 problems, other than the geographic distance, whihc honestly wouldn't have been a problem later on because I was thinking of relocating to the east coast because of a family illness. The 2 problems: #1 Our ages. I'm 44..he's 26. We honestly did not know each other's ages when we met. It only came up the 2nd day we'd been talking.

 

#2 He told me a few days after we met, that he had been seeing this girl-they were off and on for 6 yrs--but that he broke up with her not long before he met me.

 

Oh, red flags, why do we not pay attention to you.

 

Well all last week, we'd been talking on the phone, skype'ing, texting...we talked for 4 hours a couple of times. He had been talking about taking a long weekend out here to L.A. to see me, but I told him it'd be easier for me to go out there--I'm a model, and I can work from anywhere and get shoots to pay for my trip. So, with his blessing and input, I scheduled the trip out there. Got flight, hotel etc.

 

We were both really excited about the trip. This morning we were talking via text about the trip, saying intimate things about what we were planning to do, and him talking about holding me and cuddling me..I had sent him an email saying how gorgeous he was and how I'd probably stare at him the whole time, and he said he'd be staring at me, too. That was all this morning...suddenly, in the middle of this lovefest, he tells me he really needs to go back up to see the girl in Boston to make sure i'ts really over, before he can pursue anyone else.

 

My heart sank.

 

He said he was going to get 2 tickets. 1 to come back Saturday, in case it's over, and another to go back Monday if it's not.

 

He also said, this girl still had his heart. That he was in love with her, and there's a reason why they'd been together so long etc. And I would probably really like her too...(which I thought was an odd thing to say.)

 

I said well, I'm not going out there if you're still with her. I can't be with a guy who's taken like that. It's not right.

 

He said, well we could hang out as friends. I said, I'm too attracted to you to do that. I'm sorry.

 

I was going to cancel the whole trip, but now I have photographers wanting to work with me, so...I really can't. At least I will be able to see my friends who live there again, but...I'm hurt.

 

I never thought I could hurt this much, when it had only been a week...I told him I had to put the brakes on everything. I don't feel I can continue to talk to him like we did before...only to find out he's going to stay with that girl? That would be a lot harder on me than to just cut if off now. When we said goodbye, he told me what an incredible person I am, and how some guy will be lucky to have me-all the stuff you HATE someone to say because it seems so freakin insincere that they're complimenting you yet dumping you at the same time.

 

I wonder how much my age played into this. Like if I had been the age he had THOUGHT I was, maybe he would've seen me as a potential partner and might not have waffled. or maybe he's still really hung up on this girl and it wouldn't matter. I don't know. I'm just..more hurt than you would think, after only a week.

[Tanzi]

It seems that you were a distraction from all the bad stuff that was going on in his life and for a moment he got pulled into it ... but then when it all started to become too real he realised what he was doing and that it wasn't what he really wanted. What you are feeling right now is most likely disappointment more than anything else and I am sure you will get over this pretty quickly bearing in mind nothing ever really happened.

 

If it turns out that his relationship is over then I would still stay well away from him because he has made it pretty clear where his heart truly lies so you will be nothing more than a rebound to him, someone to take his mind off of his break-up. Mind you, what was he playing at with you when he wasn't sure if he was truly broken up or not? And to expect you to suddenly revert to being friends ..... its a complete 180! What was he thinking? Shame on him for leading you on in that way without a thought to what he was doing. You have done the right thing ... staying in touch would have dragged you down and pulled you into something you really don't need to be involved in.

 

There is a chance this could be down to your age and he is just making excuses ... but that is something you will never know for sure ... and even if that were the case it just shows that a relationship with this younger guy was never meant to be. To be honest though, wouldn't he have found it easier to say that he was worried about the age gap than to say he was still in love with his ex ... if that were truly the case?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is 44 and you are 26...you are a model. Women who are models have a slim body type and are typically very pretty. So even though he didn't exactly know your age, it would not have been difficult for him to guess that you were in your twenties...much older than him. Add the fact that he just met you at this party for you and he is smothering you with kisses...then he is laying it on thick with the intimate talk...I think that makes it crystal clear he was looking for a much younger, hot woman to make him feel better about himself. I think you need to look at this realistically. Fortunately he had the decency to get cold feet sooner rather than later so that he didn't string you along that long.

[Ariel85]

I think he woke up and realized you're almost 20 years older. It was fine as a fantasy for him, as I agree with blue that you were a distraction, but he has a gf in his life, someone who "has his heart".

 

What's more worrisome, is how attached you became to a kid pretty much half your age and after meeting his once and then chatting for a week. I'd look more at that, because there's something really off with this.

[orillia]

Yeah, I'm not a fashion model so I'm not the skinny minny Kate Moss type. I'm a curvy glamour model. But..yeah, people do say I'm pretty, or even beautiful, and people typically think I'm younger than I really am. It can be a curse sometimes.

 

I thought he was older..we both guessed wrong in the same age range. He thought I was mid-30s. I thought he was mid-30s.

 

As for how I could've gotten attached to him...well, he said my age didn't matter..I connected with him on an intellectual level like few people I've ever met. We have the same sarcastic sense of humor..we made the same geeky jokes, referring to the same books, movies, etc. It was uncanny. These are things you can find out over 8 days of constant texting, emailing, calling, and skypeing. We had several 3-4 hour long conversations.

 

Did I fall in love with him? No...I didn't know him well enough, but we were getting close getting to know each other. As for him being "half my age", it's funny how some people will be biased against a woman going after a man "half her age" but probably have no problem with a man doing it.

 

Last night, he was even discussing telling his friends he was "dating " a 44 yr old. We made jokes about it. I mean, I really did think there was promise there-he honestly led me to believe it.

 

He is 44 and you are 26...you are a model. Women who are models have a slim body type and are typically very pretty. So even though he didn't exactly know your age, it would not have been difficult for him to guess that you were in your twenties...much older than him. Add the fact that he just met you at this party for you and he is smothering you with kisses...then he is laying it on thick with the intimate talk...I think that makes it crystal clear he was looking for a much younger, hot woman to make him feel better about himself. I think you need to look at this realistically. Fortunately he had the decency to get cold feet sooner rather than later so that he didn't string you along that long.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is 44 and you are 26...you are a model. Women who are models have a slim body type and are typically very pretty. So even though he didn't exactly know your age, it would not have been difficult for him to guess that you were in your twenties...much older than him. Add the fact that he just met you at this party for you and he is smothering you with kisses...then he is laying it on thick with the intimate talk...I think that makes it crystal clear he was looking for a much younger, hot woman to make him feel better about himself. I think you need to look at this realistically. Fortunately he had the decency to get cold feet sooner rather than later so that he didn't string you along that long.

 

Oops..disregard my post...I didn't realize you were the 44 year old and he was 26. At any rate, this was most definitely a diversion for him and nothing more.

[orillia]

Yeah-you could be right that it was an ego thing. Sounds like this relationship he's in, is NOT good for his ego. Both he and a mutual friend said she doesn't make time for him, even when he's in town to see her. He said he felt unimportant. So...yeah, I was very much into him. I think he's gorgeous, smart, funny, witty, and clever and had no problem telling him all those things. I'm sure I made him feel pretty good about himself.

 

And I have no plans to be friends with him or talk to him-I told him I don't want to complicate anyone's life, least of all MINE.

 

He is 44 and you are 26...you are a model. Women who are models have a slim body type and are typically very pretty. So even though he didn't exactly know your age, it would not have been difficult for him to guess that you were in your twenties...much older than him. Add the fact that he just met you at this party for you and he is smothering you with kisses...then he is laying it on thick with the intimate talk...I think that makes it crystal clear he was looking for a much younger, hot woman to make him feel better about himself. I think you need to look at this realistically. Fortunately he had the decency to get cold feet sooner rather than later so that he didn't string you along that long.

[orillia]

So..do you think it's not possible for an older woman/younger man thing to be anything more than a "diversion"?

 

Oops..disregard my post...I didn't realize you were the 44 year old and he was 26. At any rate, this was most definitely a diversion for him and nothing more.

[orillia]

I think you're right. My thoughts exactly. Let's say he came back from July 4th with her, determined they're broken up. So then what..I take a chance with him, then a month or so later, he changes his mind? No thanks. By then I would have been more invested.

 

Yeah, I think the whole way he handled it was careless. He made me think we could go out and do things when I'm back there...even talked about telling his friends about me...and then during our very intense text exchange, seemingly out of the blue, he pulls the rug out.

 

 

If it turns out that his relationship is over then I would still stay well away from him because he has made it pretty clear where his heart truly lies so you will be nothing more than a rebound to him, someone to take his mind off of his break-up. Mind you, what was he playing at with you when he wasn't sure if he was truly broken up or not? And to expect you to suddenly revert to being friends ..... its a complete 180! What was he thinking? Shame on him for leading you on in that way without a thought to what he was doing. You have done the right thing ... staying in touch would have dragged you down and pulled you into something you really don't need to be involved in.

[Ariel85]

For the record, I think a 44 year old man going after a 26 year old woman is just as creepy.

 

Your reasons for attaching are the same I could use for any guy half my age. But, being a generation apart, I couldn't see how our life experiences or station in life would give us any promise for a future.

 

But, for you to get this worked up over a kid who lives cross country really bears some more thought on your part, I think. You yourself admitted to major red flags, yet you still charged in. Why?

[orillia]

Well, that's too bad you have a preconceived bias against age-gap relationships, because there are some that work. It's not "creepy"--sometimes people meet and don't know each other's ages..they don't even know there's a gap, and they hit it off. The 26 yr old and I had way more in common than I do with most guys my age I've tried to date.

 

Anyway, you are right--the whole "I just broke up with my gf" thing WAS a red flag. I'm not really sure why I forged ahead knowing this..maybe I got caught up in it, like a drug or something. It is something I need to look at, for sure.

 

For the record, I think a 44 year old man going after a 26 year old woman is just as creepy.

 

Your reasons for attaching are the same I could use for any guy half my age. But, being a generation apart, I couldn't see how our life experiences or station in life would give us any promise for a future.

 

But, for you to get this worked up over a kid who lives cross country really bears some more thought on your part, I think. You yourself admitted to major red flags, yet you still charged in. Why?

[Tanzi]

So..do you think it's not possible for an older woman/younger man thing to be anything more than a "diversion"?

 

I don't think it was necessarily the age gap that was a diversion. I think it was YOU, regardless of age. He was obviously attracted to you and for a moment there you took his mind of his ex and whatever painful situation they may be in. Maybe whilst chatting to you they had some form of contact or other and discussed meeting up to see if they can make a go of things which is why he suddenly came to a halt as regards the two of you.

[orillia]

Thanks. Yeah-it was just very confusing, because we talked about actually DATING, when I temporarily moved back out there..and he discussed me meeting his friends, etc. And he was very passionate..sending me romantic emails and text messages...sigh.

 

I don't think it was necessarily the age gap that was a diversion. I think it was YOU, regardless of age. He was obviously attracted to you and for a moment there you took his mind of his ex and whatever painful situation they may be in. Maybe whilst chatting to you they had some form of contact or other and discussed meeting up to see if they can make a go of things which is why he suddenly came to a halt as regards the two of you.

[Chicklet]

It is odd that he would just "about face" like that. Do you think that the chances are likely that maybe the ex got wind of you and then decided to dig her claws back in??

[siktomystomach]

I think its pretty simple honestly....The "off and on" relationship was probably on and he failed to tell you that and was worried about getting busted.