How do you stop seeing someone who is great?

[testcase]

How do you stop seeing someone who is probably too good for you? Someone who is sweet, supportive and extremely beautiful? Someone who, when you stop seeing them, you will almost certainly regret it? Someone who you don't want to, and certainly doesn't deserve to be, hurt? Someone who you're not even close to sure you want to stop seeing?

 

How do you stop seeing someone who is absolutely amazing in so many ways, but you feel like there's something missing that you cant put your finger on? Something missing that you wish was there. Could that something be there, so you don't have to stop seeing them?

[ForumGuy]

Someone who you're not even close to sure you want to stop seeing?

Seems like this sentence doesn't quite fit with the rest of the post. Other than that, it sounds like you are simply not in love and feeling the proverbial "sparks" with this person. This might come with more time.

[endy]

What exactly is that something?

[italiannmf24]

You wouldn't want to stop seeing someone if they were great.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I'm guessing it's the spark that's missing?

 

Or, what do you think is missing? Is it an emotional need? Is it a physical need? Have you ever tried to stop for a moment in time, when you're with her and thinking about how great she is and blah, blah, and your mind stops you and says "if only," have you ever really studied one of those moments? Words that were said. An expression on her face. Maybe a resemblance to something ugly in your past.

 

If it's an overall spark, well I agree, that can come with time. And many times, that spark that's slow in coming is due to a subconscious reminder of your past.

[testcase]

I'd say it's the spark for sure... and I'd really like to believe the spark can come over time, but if it isn't here by now is it going to be? Also I don't want to stop seeing her per say, but how long do you give for the spark to appear? Especially if they have an interest level you just can't match? Should you give yourself more time to see if you can match their interst? Or do you let them go to find someone who can match their interest?

 

You know, when is it the time to make that call? I feel like since the beginning I've been looking for that spark... I SHOULD have that spark... but it's been a while, and no spark. The longer I spend looking for it the more it's going to suck for both of us if I never find it.

[endy]

I'd say it's the spark for sure... and I'd really like to believe the spark can come over time, but if it isn't here by now is it going to be? Also I don't want to stop seeing her per say, but how long do you give for the spark to appear? Especially if they have an interest level you just can't match? Should you give yourself more time to see if you can match their interst? Or do you let them go to find someone who can match their interest?

 

You know, when is it the time to make that call? I feel like since the beginning I've been looking for that spark... I SHOULD have that spark... but it's been a while, and no spark. The longer I spend looking for it the more it's going to suck for both of us if I never find it.

 

I'll tell you right now to stop doubting yourself. That's the problem. You are good enough for her and you need to start convincing yourself of that. The mind is a powerful tool. If you don't feel worthy of her, then you're not going to be. Why so much self-doubt? Have some more confidence, and believe in yourself. That could be a huge part of the issue.

[tiredofvampires]

How long have you been dating?

 

What makes you say she's "too good for you"? What's that about?

[tiredofvampires]

Deleted....

[oldenoughtoknow]

How long have you been seeing each other?

 

Do you have sex?

 

I'm kind of curious about the "too good for you" comment as well. Maybe I'm digging for something that isn't there, but the wording of your original post seems to be indicating...something. You said she was beautiful, so, could you say you find her physically attractive? There is a difference. Is she the type that you normally would go for? Are you sure? I'm still just wondering if she represents something from your past. Or, maybe her "perfection" has hit on an emotional chord that makes you feel unworthy.

 

From the way you've otherwise described her, you should be on her like a duck on a june bug.

[testcase]

We've been seeing each other a few months and yea we're sleeping together. Id say she's definitely not my normal type but she is ridiculously beautiful. I'm definitely attracted to her. But it's weird things are different. Where in this past this would be an awesome situation now it just feels like somethings missing. She's a good girl, but there seems to excitement lacking and I hate that. I've always been able to make most everything exciting on my own... Why am I failing at this?

[oldenoughtoknow]

Well, we're getting somewhere, testcase. So you are attracted to her. Ridiculously beautiful is a good thing. And there's the "she's a good girl," thing again. Are you normally drawn to women that are a bit more wild? Or, do you have fixing tendencies? Maybe codependency? I just feel there's something about this girl's "perfection" that's at work here. If you can explore that in yourself and work through it, you may have found "the one."

[testcase]

Honestly man it could be both! Definitely attracted to women I can "fix" and most definitely attracted to wilder girls. I think that's what it is. Crazy hasn't been good for me, but it's what I'm attracted too. Iggy honestly it sucks.

[endy]

Yeah you can address that in a relationship or dating. She might notice a bit of a change, but I was the same way. The codependency anyways. I dunno give it some time man. I think the problem is her personality and how good she is, might be making you feel not good enough when in all reality you may be too good for her. In other words, you want to fix her, and the issues she has is bringing you down. It happened in my last relationship.

[tiredofvampires]

That makes sense, testcase.

 

I think when you're with someone who's crazy and you feel is messed up in some way, by comparison you feel like the "sane, good, in-control" one. So in some ways, you may have been seeking someone who wouldn't threaten you -- someone who would not challenge you to see whatever makes you feel less-than, yourself.

 

This girl, by being good and healthy, forces you to look at where you're not feeling so healthy, or where you're lacking. The "something missing" is more a product your feeling a lack of drama. And you're not used to this missing. Though, drama missing is a pretty good thing.

 

Sometimes "the spark" is definitely missing because the attraction factor isn't there, but it sounds like since that's there and she's beautiful to you, this is more about you facing some buried feelings of inadequacy and examining what those are. Whether they're founded or unfounded, and if they are, what you need to address them. If they are not founded, it's time to work cognitively on changing the messages you're sending to yourself about yourself.

 

Can you say that you find her emotionally and mentally stimulating, even though not in a crazy way? In other words, would you say she doesn't bore you? I think there's a difference between "good exciting" and "bad exciting" (drama), and so would you say there is good excitement here? (Fun, enthusiasm, interest in eachother, not having a lot of dull moments, etc.)

[Ariel85]

What's missing is the drama of the normal broads you date, Test. This is a healthy relationship, so you're feeling bored.

 

This is all a you issue, btw. Work it out before you mess this up and really regret it.

[90_hour_sleep]

another case of sticky intuition. trust your gut because it's what you've always known.... OR... question the way you've always been because things seem to be cropping up in old familiar ways. my interpretation at least.

 

but then...where's the line. where does a destructive pattern end, and intution begin. at times...is intuition merely a reflection of the habitual thing? or conversely...perhaps the habitual thing comes as a result of disregarding your intution?

 

i say...trust your body. if there's a discrepancy between what you think...and what you feel...trust in what you feel in your body. the deepest feeling. beneath emotion. beneath thought. core. if that makes any sense.

[oldenoughtoknow]

There you go, testcase, I think you found the issue.

 

I remember when I was younger, I didn't know completely who I was looking for. Sure, I had an image, but human interaction is incredibly complex, and a healthy life doesn't resemble a beer ad. I went out with women who were "okay." They were cute. I couldn't call them beautiful. Actually, you couldn't make the words come out of my mouth for any amount of money. I thought they were fun. Really fun. Some of them were crazy fun. Okay, some of them were just crazy. I always knew there was something wrong, there was something missing, but the fun occupied my time. They filled a need in my life. I always knew the relationships weren't sustainable. Every day can't be the 4th of July.

 

And yes, there's the dance. Who was the responsible one? Me. Who always pursued a little bit more? Me. Who always felt like they were the leader and keeping the relationship on course? Me. All of that worked for me back then, as I was only interested in a lowered, slightly dysfunctional level of intimacy and partnership. The dynamic sucked me in and fed me. Once I grew tired of the drama, I started working on myself and exploring my tendencies. As I did that, better women started coming my way. And yeah, relationships with them initially felt boring. The drama was gone. The imbalance was gone. And I found myself immersed in this wonderful, egalitarian partnership. Uh, what do I do now?

 

Well, I quickly came to learn that this is what I'd been searching for all along. Yeah, life is supposed to be boring some of the time. The 4th of July SHOULD come only once a year. When you work past whatever issues that are holding you back, you realize another side of life. A calm, satiated life, with this gorgeous creature that sometimes you can't keep your hands off of, sometimes you find you are completely immersed in the most fascinating conversation with, sometimes you are amazed at the incredibly caring thing she did for you, and sometimes you find what you thought were only dreamlike goals that you laid out for yourself at some point in the future, are suddenly starting to happen, one by one.

 

You're there, testcase. Don't let this one slip through your fingers. You can find happiness in satisfaction. You may not even realize it, but she's stretching you already. Are you ready for the next step in your life? This could be it!

[testcase]

Hey everyone. Really thanks for the replies!!!

 

Can you say that you find her emotionally and mentally stimulating, even though not in a crazy way? In other words, would you say she doesn't bore you? I think there's a difference between "good exciting" and "bad exciting" (drama), and so would you say there is good excitement here? (Fun, enthusiasm, interest in eachother, not having a lot of dull moments, etc.)

 

I guess this is the main thing. I don't think there is excitement. Maybe I'm confusing excitement with craziness... but there's not much. We have almost nothing in common, which I thought, "hey that's cool. me and my ex didn't have much in common. Also, with my interests and hobbies I don't expect many girls to have too much in common with me." But now I think it's running deeper than that. I kept trying to figure out what she does on her free time and it's like I got nothing! I barley have free time cause all my time is used towards something, and when I do have free time i certainly know where it's going. We haven't had many meaningful conversations. Usually I'm the one doing all the talking, which normally I'm a listener first and foremost but if I have to step up and do most the talking to keep things from being silent I'm fine with that and good at it... in this case I've had to do most of it. Deep conversations aren't my forte but I get in them from time to time, just haven't with her. Maybe part of that is me cause I feel like if we get in a deep conversation it's going to be about whats going on w/ us and I don't know how to answer that now.

 

I feel like I've been trying to convince myself it's awesome this whole time.... and I feel terrible that I don't actually feel like it's as awesome as I wish it was. I am lucky to have a girl like this, as I think any man would be, but I think I have to end it. I've considered it a relationship for a while. I just don't want to hold her back while I try to see if my feelings change for her, or grow for her or whatever. If her feelings are already there and mine aren't at that level, aren't I just holding her back? An example would be if she said the L word, I couldn't reciprocate it. Isn't it wrong to know that at this point? How long do you wait before you say, "Hey maybe this isn't it?"

[oldenoughtoknow]

Have you ever not been the pursuer before? Have you ever been the one slightly less into the relationship before? I mean, at least with someone who has so much going for her and not so easy to dismiss? If you haven't, that can be a really strange feeling and it will make your interest drop off, even if she's not full on smothering or clingy.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Isn't it wrong to know that at this point? How long do you wait before you say, "Hey maybe this isn't it?"

 

The sooner the better...Once you made up your mind, you should ome clean and not waste your and her time imo. The question is if you have made up your mind or not.

[Chicklet]

Sounds to me like there's no connection on a personal level due to the lack of meaningful conversation. Hell, the lack on conversation in general! Also the fact that she doesn't seem to have any thing to keep her occupied in her free time, could be a turn off. After all, men like women who can have some sort of life away from theirs. Who wouldn't?!? Also, while it's impossible for couples to have everything in common, I THINK that it's very important to have a lot of things in common. Otherwise, we would be bored. Which, you are.

[tiredofvampires]

I think it's very confusing if the only excitement you've known is craziness. Have you ever experienced having fun with a woman, just because you shared a lot and had many things to talk about? If you haven't, that somewhat impedes your judgment here because you've got to know what that's like to be able to distinguish "bad excitement" from "good excitement."

 

On the other hand, the fact that you got along with your ex without having much in common doesn't mean much -- because the emotional drama, I assume, was sort of the "glue." In a healthy relationship, there should be a good balance of things you share in common and things that you don't. I think in the end, in successful LTR's, the "opposites attract" rule usually falls apart -- it's the fundamental things people have in common and share that keep a bond going. Sure, you might have different temperaments and superficial preferences -- but having things to talk about together, things that you both enjoy and a sense of excitement in sharing those things -- those are the basic things I've always found to be cementing to a relationship. I also think the key in a relationship that keeps it together is having the same basic approach to life. In my sense of relationships, there needs to be substance that the love develops around, such as shared activities, shared perspectives about the world, shared goals. Without substance, you're just left with a fondness for someone who is just kind of....there.

 

I've been in your situation before. I was with someone where it was really low key, and I was left wondering if I was just expecting too much and this was my problem, because I was unreasonable. Maybe that's where your comment about "she's too good for me" came in? I, too, am prone to gravitating towards men that are charismatic and a bit of an emotional handful. At least I have been in the past. That's changed a lot over the last few years, as I've been able to distinguish between having an interesting-and-balanced person excite me vs. an interesting-but-unbalanced person who excites me. I think you have to find that sweet spot between craziness and boredom, and maybe the pendulum has swung a little too far "the other way", away from craziness. Which is a good thing! Because what you've learned from this is that you can and do appreciate a GOOD woman and have been attracted to her enough to entertain a relationship. That means you are receptive to someone who is centered.

 

But that doesn't mean she's compatible with you, mentally and personality-wise. Not every good person is right for us. And so this is a fine-tuning of your growth in relationships. It sounds to me like this is your gut speaking, not a habitual pattern of needing dysfunction, because all those things I highlighted above are completely LEGIT reasons to not be feeling it, in a relationship. Those items have nothing to do with seeking out emotional rollercoasters -- these things are more what I see the substance of a lasting relationship including. Give-and-take in a conversation (so that one person isn't always passive or dominant), feeling that those conversations can be and are meaningful (even if not all the time), feeling that the other person has something to contribute, knowing that they have hobbies and interests and passions -- these are totally reasonable things to want in a relationship.

 

I know this is a really difficult spot for you, because maybe for the first time you feel you've found someone who is sound in mind and body, and you can't find any fault in. But you don't have to find any fault with someone not to feel in love. If you had just started dating a few weeks ago, I'd say give it more time. But you say it's been a few months, and that's a good amount of time to know. If you don't feel you're in love by now....I don't think it's going to happen, honestly.

 

When do you fish and when do you cut bait? When you ask yourself, "Am I just sticking it out for the IDEA of this person/relationship, or the REALITY that this is?" and get back the answer: "I'm sticking it out for the IDEA of it", it's time to cut bait.

 

And that's kind of an answer to 90 hr sleep's question about how you discern intuition from habitual behaviors. When, in examining it, you only like or love something based on the idea of it, and not how it's really making you feel -- especially when the idea of it is really healthy and sound, and you think it's "good for you" -- you should trust the way you're feeling about it, not the way you're thinking about it.

 

Trying to fall in love, trying to "convince" yourself it's awesome, never works. That's the writing on the wall right there to me, that sentence. If I'm lukewarm at the very beginning, that can change. But if over the course of months, I've felt no progression, I know it's time to go.

 

It's okay to let it go then, testcase. I think you know you don't want this, and that doesn't make you a bad person. She doesn't mesh with you, and that could be true even if she were the best person in the whole wide world.