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ex-fiancee's cheating is still eating away at me post BU... how do I deal?

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Ok.. I'm going to try to compress this story as much as possible.. the full story is spread out over my older posts from a few months ago.. any advice is much appreciated as I am having a very difficult time. It has been 3 months since I broke up with my cheating ex-fiancee. We were together for 2.5 yrs. We moved very fast when we met (his choice) and moved in together right away (he asked me). We were not using protection (I was 22, he was 30... not playing the blame game but he manipulated me pretty well) and I got pregnant. Right before I found out, a few bad things happened between us that really scared me.


#1. His mother treated me awful. She caused a lot of problems between us. #2. He was very controlling and told me what to do all the time and talked to me like a kid.

#3. He was pushing me to have a baby but didn't want to get married first (which is what I wanted)

#4. He had an AWFUL temper. He SCREAMED at me in public on a few occasions (even at a wedding) for very stupid reasons and embarrassed me in front of friends and family.

#5 He had a very old school mentality about women, their purpose and how 'they should not talk back'.

#6 He loved partying with his buddies but hated going out with me (the few times we went out together, he would get hammered then pick a fight with me that would turn into a screaming match..so I guess that's why)...when he went out, he would leave me home alone waiting up for him till 4am and calling/texting him non-stop with no answer. He always made me feel like I was insecure and what he was doing is normal.. that I should have my own life and he should have his and that going out EVERY weekend with his friends instead of me is normal.

#6 One time he told me he was going to the store to get milk and he came back at 3am.


The events mentioned above were spread out over 3 months of living together...during this time we also had very happy moments obviously and had fun times too (and a great sex life) but those things always stuck in the back of my mind. I kept telling him I wanted to start using protection when we started having problems but he kept convincing me not to.. still don't know why I didn't stand my ground back then. We were doing great for a bit then we went on vacation with 2 other couples and he treated me horribly.. he was rude to everyone..always wanted to venture off on his own... he spent an entire 6 hr boat ride talking to a group of random strangers while I hung out with our friends.. and even ditched me in the hotel room one night when I was sick with heat stroke and shivering and went partying till 4am on the resort by himself!!!!! (I didn't know at the time that the sun made me sick because I was actually pregnant) When we came back from the trip I fount out I was pregnant. He was so happy and promised me it 'was just me and him from now on' and he was sorry for the way he acted lately and on the vacation. I tried to believe him. I loved him a lot and we did have a lot of passion... but after advice from friends and family and thinking it thru A LOT... I made the hard decision of having an abortion. (I honestly felt sick to my stomach when I found out... is that not a red flag?) For some reason we stayed together for 2 yrs after that. During this time he cheated on me MULTIPLE TIMES.. and every time I caught him, he would blame it on my abortion.. all the guilt I felt for it (still do) made me eventually take him back. He also proposed and pushed me to set the date for our wedding. Then I caught him cheating AGAIN... and AGAIN he blamed it on the abortion. I finally broke up with him 3 months ago for good. It took him JUST 2 WEEKS to move on with another girl. They moved in after just 5 weeks of dating! He lives with her and her sister and her sister's bf in some basement apartment close to where I live. His sister and I are best friends to this day and to this day his sister barely talks to him for what he has done to me. She found out (he tells his mom, his mom tells his sister and his sister tells me) all the info about them and told me. He told his sister that he will never forgive me for the abortion and that this new girl is 'the one' and he will never cheat on her because she doesn't deserve it like I did. I have to admit hearing that hurts more than anything. Plus he knows that his sister tells me everything!


I got into a car accident when I found out about them (was stressed out and fell asleep at the wheel) I almost lost my life but happy to say that I am FULLY recovered since then! (really it's a miracle) He was not there for me AT ALL while I was recovering in the hospital! He only called ONCE and told me he was only calling to see if I'm ok and for me not to read anything into it because he's happy with his new girl!!!!! Can't explain to you how much I suffered during that time in the hospital and dealing with the BU at the same time! Since I have been fully recovered and hitting the gym again his sister has told me that he CONSTANTLY texts her to ask about me..or even calls her from time. He only asks superficial questions but one time he asked her if I was seeing anyone! * * * ! Aren't u happy with ur new gf like u said??


Recently he stopped asking about me. He now has a profile on facebook (which he refused to have with me when we were together and even made me cancel my facebook back then! ) with the new girl as his profile picture and added his sister as a friend of course! I have facebook now too and saw them both. The new girl looks lie a transvestite.. not trying to be mean but she has manly features.. however, they seem to have a lot in common. All of this still bothers me tremendously. It has been a very difficult journey and the car accident hasn't helped. I can't financialy afford to get counseling right now for my abortion issues either. I hate him for putting me in that position that I have to deal with that decision for the rest of my life while he is gallivanting with new girl and moves on SO FAST almost as if he never loved me!!! We have matching tattoos on our wrists.. staring at it hurts.. in fact, everything friggin hurts! Although I am in a much better place then I was 3 months ago or even 1 month ago.. I still wonder and think and analyze this WAY too much on a daily basis! (my thoughts are always on him and what happened and it is hard to focus on other things) Is it possible that all of this happened because of the abortion or have I been gaslighted? I can't understand why I got in a car accident and he is with new girl and not even suffering over me! Or am I looking at this all wrong? I mean I am very very lucky to be alive and FULLY recovered with no permanent damage. (My car hit a pole on the highway.. everyone was shocked that I made it) Any advice would be great...

Thank you for reading!

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what's gets people into trouble is when they fantasy about the 'if only's' as in 'if only he wouldn't be so mean' or 'if only he would stop doing x, y, or z that is so upsetting'.


The point is he is who he is, and his actions have shown that he doesn't respect women, he's disrespectful and self centered, and he lies and cheats. That won't make a good partner at all, as you've already discovered. You may still be living on fantasy where deep down you hope he'll mutate into a great guy, but frankly he sounds like a good time party guy who just wants someone to party with and a 'little woman' at home waiting around for him and not challenging anything he does, including cheating.


He's just not a good guy because of how he treats you. You deserve better. He may have 25% of what you want and need, but the 75% that is about selfishness and cheating and lack of respect will be impossible to live with. You're more a function to him than a person, which is why he can trade you in for someone new so quickly!

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Sounds like you should of left along time ago.


From a male perspective.. did the abortion really affect his behavior towards me in a significant way?? I know I had excellent reasons for doing it at the time... and I also know he has no excuse for the way he treated me prior to my pregnancy... but I just want to know if the cheating is a direct result of it?

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He's found a convenient excuse to try to blame you and use guilt to control you. Everytime he wants some slack, he brings that up. So it's just a tool to use to try to control you and get you to leave him alone.


Next time he brings it up, just say to him, 'look, if you are never going to quit bringing that up and are just using that to bully me, then there is no point in being together if you don't respect or love me enough to let that go.'


And i'm sure if you had had the baby, he'd still be out partying while you'd be left alone with it, and he'd be finding some other excuse to try to buy himself slack.


He cheats because he wants to cheat.. end of story. He probably likes the variety and excitement of it and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. People can be married to the most wonderful people in the world and still cheat. Cheating is a sign of moral and emotional weakness and selfishness in the person doing the cheating and is not the partner's 'fault'.

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