The "I love you" Text

[Oasiswater]

I'm sure many of us have experienced this during a breakup, but it's confusing the hell out of me.

I broke up with my ex girlfriend three days ago, and I told her exactly why. I emailed her and let her know that it was because she didn't make any time for me. Because I wasn't important enough to her to fulfill ANY of the promises she made to me. Because she didn't treat me right, etc.

 

I emailed her 3 more times, two days ago. She never sent a reply, just posted a bunch of junk on her facebook making a spectacle of my heart breaking. Out of nowhere last night, she messages me saying, "I love you." No reply to anything that I told her or the questions that I asked her in the emails, just, "I love you."

 

What does it mean, and what is your ex REALLY trying to say to you when they send you this half-assed, very little effort text message?

[endy]

You dumped her, she's going through withdrawal. It's a cycle of abandonment. She doesn't know what to do right now. I wouldn't read into it. The best thing for you to do is just not contact her if you don't want to be with her. She probably just said it because she misses you and is hurt right now.

[civilservant]

Why would you continue to e-mail her or ask questions when you're no longer together? You deemed this person not worthy of being your partner, you should stand by that decision.

[Dlar]

if you split with her, she's going through a tough time, missing you etc.

 

She probably hasn't replied to your emails because she's trying to stay NC.

 

I was close to texting my ex saying I love you after a few days of NC (She didn't contact me though like you'd tried contacting her) but I managed to pull through it.

[Oasiswater]

Why would you continue to e-mail her or ask questions when you're no longer together? You deemed this person not worthy of being your partner, you should stand by that decision.

 

The reason I contacted her was because I was hurt. I didnt WANT to break up with her. I do love her, and I DO want to be with her, but I had to end the relationship because I wasn't being treated properly. My emails were to tell her exactly that. That I wanted to be with her, but I couldn't be in a relationship like that. It was nothing new. I've begged her to change, and it's always been some excuse after another about why she can't make time for me. I've begged her for the last 6 months, to no avail. I needed to get out and see about myself.

[tresqua]

What does it mean, and what is your ex REALLY trying to say to you when they send you this half-assed, very little effort text message?

 

She was having a weak moment and she probably deeply regrets having sent it.

 

You emailed her 3x in the past week after you dumped her?

 

Leave her alone so she can get past it. If she was going to make time she would have. Sounds to me like you're hoping that breaking up with her will somehow scare her or coerce her into doing it your way. It won't.

[endy]

The reason I contacted her was because I was hurt. I didnt WANT to break up with her. I do love her, and I DO want to be with her, but I had to end the relationship because I wasn't being treated properly. My emails were to tell her exactly that. That I wanted to be with her, but I couldn't be in a relationship like that. It was nothing new. I've begged her to change, and it's always been some excuse after another about why she can't make time for me. I've begged her for the last 6 months, to no avail. I needed to get out and see about myself.

 

 

You can't tell someone else to change for you. They need to realize it's a problem and change for themselves. Let her realize that and in time maybe it will work. If you are not personally happy in the relationship, but you are by yourself which you should be anyways... Then let her go. She's not the right person for you obviously. If you love that person for who she is you wouldn't be asking her to change. It's probably an ideal of love that you have. Examine your idea of what love is. Love is an act in a partnership. It's how we treat the other person. Asking someone to change to better suite you really isn't love IMO. That's something you're going to have to decide for yourself though.

[Eocsor]

The reason I contacted her was because I was hurt. I didnt WANT to break up with her. I do love her, and I DO want to be with her, but I had to end the relationship because I wasn't being treated properly. My emails were to tell her exactly that. That I wanted to be with her, but I couldn't be in a relationship like that. It was nothing new. I've begged her to change, and it's always been some excuse after another about why she can't make time for me. I've begged her for the last 6 months, to no avail. I needed to get out and see about myself.

 

Thats fine. You've done what you need to do for your own health. Now let her go so she can get on with her life. No more e-mails or phone calls or anything. If you have no intention of reconciling with her you have to fully let her go. Anything else is cruel.

[doiiiieeezie]

Does she know why you dumped her for one, and what were the attempts to work on these issues before?

 

Saying I love you in a text may be a desperate way for reaching out, but I also think you are playing games with her. If you wish to work things out with her, then have limited contact with her to show that you are around, but not that around. Communicate your needs and wants and work with hers.

 

Begging will not help whatsoever, and you two will continue this cycle where one will soon resent the other.

[ForumGuy]

The reason I contacted her was because I was hurt. I didnt WANT to break up with her. I do love her, and I DO want to be with her, but I had to end the relationship because I wasn't being treated properly. My emails were to tell her exactly that. That I wanted to be with her, but I couldn't be in a relationship like that. It was nothing new. I've begged her to change, and it's always been some excuse after another about why she can't make time for me. I've begged her for the last 6 months, to no avail. I needed to get out and see about myself.

I am sorry you are hurt by the relationship not working out, but you are trying to manipulate her into changing by breaking up with her and this has very little chance of working.....maybe temporarily, but not long term. I am not saying you are doing it consciously and on purpose....maybe you are, maybe you aren't, but it is manipulation (game playing) nonetheless to break up with someone and then continue to contact them like this.

 

I am betting she does love you and even wishes she were different, but also realizes that she is who she is and is hurt that it is not enough for you.

[Jiminey]

I think it is a difficult situation - you loved her but she wasn't giving you the time and respecting your relationship the way that an equal partnership should. People saying that you are playing games or manipulating are missing the point - you loved her but weren't getting what you want and out of frustration I imagine you just couldn't continue, but that doesn't mean you don't continue to love her, hence e-mailing her to tell her why you finished it and how frustrated and upset you were - I don't think this is manipulation, it would be if you didn't love her so finished with her, but didn't want her to have a chance to miss you, then that is manipulation or game playing or whatever you want to call it. I think as hard as it must be, just leave it for a few weeks and then ask to meet. Explain how you feel, calmly, and see if she is willing to put more effort in - time might help her to reflect.

[tresqua]

People saying that you are playing games or manipulating are missing the point

 

He's vascillating on the breakup, he regrets doing it especially since it didn't have the desired effect which in his mind would have been her saying "No, don't leave me, I will do whatever you want as long as you take me back!", and instead she's basically going no contact with the occasional message here or there and he's going nuts because he realized he might have ruined any chance of fixing this thing however slim it might have been.

 

My 2 cents

[Tryptophan]

Why would you e-mail her instead of telling her on her face why you're breaking up? E-mail, people act differently to those. Their responses tend to be scripted you might never really get an honest answer unless you face her. Try it.

 

"No, don't leave me, I will do whatever you want as long as you take me back!"

 

And people don't generally react like that to "e-mail" breakups. When you see yourself typing that pathetic stuff (begging, pleading), you think back and respond differently. You just do. That's why I said it's scripted.

 

You know, in a way, email breakups are better for the dumpee. At least they get to see the feelings written out, get time to think about what to say, etc.

 

Edit:

 

And OP, what kind of reaction were you "expecting". You broke up with her. Whatever is said is ultimately irrelevant.

[mistojen]

He's vascillating on the breakup, he regrets doing it especially since it didn't have the desired effect which in his mind would have been her saying "No, don't leave me, I will do whatever you want as long as you take me back!", and instead she's basically going no contact with the occasional message here or there and he's going nuts because he realized he might have ruined any chance of fixing this thing however slim it might have been.

 

My 2 cents

 

THIS.

 

Also, to the OP, you broke up with her via email and then called her "I love you" text (which most of us have been guilty of sending, as dumpees and as dumpers, in a weak moment) half-assed? No offense, but I think she's better off sticking with what appears to be her NC attempt to get over you. Breaking up with someone via email is pretty weak and she's not even here to defend herself when you're calling her efforts at reaching out "half-assed" so it sounds to me like you're looking for a sort of validation of stringing her along and being upset when she doesn't bite but has a weak moment and tells you how she still feels about you. Pretty uncool if you ask me, but that might just be because I feel like it's pretty classless to break up with someone via email. Even if it's a LD relationship, at least do it over the phone if it's not possible to do it in person.

 

...that's my 2 cents, anyway.

[Oasiswater]

Even if it's a LD relationship, at least do it over the phone if it's not possible to do it in person.

 

...that's my 2 cents, anyway.

 

Thank you for your response. Tresqua and your hostility towards me are indeed noted. With that said, I'm glad you picked up on the fact that the relationship is long distance. I'm not sure if you've read any of my other threads, which i'm assuming you haven't...

 

My reason in itself for breaking up with this girl is exactly your point. It would be much more... genuine, and honorable of me to break up with her over the phone. I do agree with you on that point. Except for the fact that we haven't spoken on the phone in over 4 months. We never speak on the phone. We never speak over skype either, and I'm pretty sure that's where you're going to go with your argument next. These are all things that I've been BEGGING for, from her. A night on the phone. Phone sex. Maybe a game over the internet. How about just messing around being silly on webcam? None.

 

All I get is half assed text messages. Yeah, you read that correctly. I said half-assed. I don't think hearing from someone 3 times a day is considered your SO putting in effort. Especially when one of those texts says "I lobr yo3"...

[Oasiswater]

He's vascillating on the breakup, he regrets doing it especially since it didn't have the desired effect which in his mind would have been her saying "No, don't leave me, I will do whatever you want as long as you take me back!", and instead she's basically going no contact with the occasional message here or there and he's going nuts because he realized he might have ruined any chance of fixing this thing however slim it might have been.

 

Incorrect. When I emailed her, I never wanted her to say "I'll do whatever you want, just take me back." Anyone who has an SO that doesn't give them the time of day, yet expects a response like that would be a fool. I emailed her regarding her facebook status, which made a spectacle of my heartbreak. I was telling her that I didnt WANT this relationship to end, and that I did it because I just threw in the towel. I was over feeling unimportant and fighting with her for time. The main question I asked her in the 3 emails is, why can you tell the whole world on facebook that you didn't really love me, yet you never had the courage to come out and tell me?

 

All three emails were sent within an hour, by the way. Not "throughout the week" like someone here made it into. They were my moment of weakness... feeling like someone can watch me pour my heart out and explain why I can't be in the relationship, but not even have it in them to acknowledge receipt, apologize, or even agree.

[tresqua]

 

Ok, you told her you didn't want the relationhip to end, you just threw in the towel. Why? What did you expect to gain by telling her that? My theory, as previously stated, is to make sure she knows that you didn't want to break up with her but you had no choice but she's got an opportunity to make it right.

 

You asked her why she could tell the whole world she didn't love you but not tell you that directly. What did you expect her to say to that? My guess is that you expect/want/fantasize that she in fact does love you and that she's just doing some sort of "face saving" thing.

[Oasiswater]

You asked her why she could tell the whole world she didn't love you but not tell you that directly. What did you expect her to say to that? My guess is that you expect/want/fantasize that she in fact does love you and that she's just doing some sort of "face saving" thing.

 

Well, after-all, since she did reply, this is what she's said. Of course, I'm sure in your negativity, you could grasp at the idea of me being confused over the whole thing... Someone doesn't love you, but they harass you with texts after you leave them and try to find peace on your own.

[tresqua]

She's telling you to please respect her decision to be left alone and allow her move on with her life following your decision to end the relationship.

 

Not all that unreasonable, all things considered.

[Oasiswater]

She's telling you to please respect her decision to be left alone and allow her move on with her life following your decision to end the relationship.

 

Not all that unreasonable, all things considered.

 

How do you figure? Is that why I wake up to a text this morning that says, "I love you so deepy and I care for you with all my heart. I'm trying to figure it out so I can be the girlfriend you really deserve."

 

I think your judgments so clouded by your own past experiences that you're turning this situation into something that it's not. Maybe something in here has spoken to your past, and your feelings, and I'm sorry if it has, but I'd like to leave the rest of the thread for people who are willing to offer advice based on the facts I've presented, not what they think is happening. This shouldn't reach page three of me proving to you that you're wrong, because after all, this is my thread, not yours.

[mistojen]

Ehh, I consider Skype and the phone to be in the same boat, so no I wasn't going to go there, although I can see how you would think I would, given my fairly hostile response. Probably had I read your previous posts or had you reiterated that on here, I would have been more forgiving, just as I would have been if you mentioned the "I lobr yo3" text, although it could just be that she was drunk which does not actually mean that she's half-assing it; that could (not DOES, but COULD) mean that she's extra vulnerable to her feelings and while I don't condone drunk texting, especially in this situation, that could be the reason behind it rather than that's she's not putting in effort.

 

Also, the number of texts a day that she sends sounds like perhaps she's unsure whether she's "allowed" to text you at all, so she's limiting it and if that's the case, three is actually excessive, especially if you're not responding to them. I'm trying to see both sides of it, but as I have not read your previous posts (as you can see from my join date and post count, I'm a newbie, too) I can only go by what I've read in this post in particular, hence my hostility toward calling her attempts half-assed.

 

All that on the table, I still feel like I need to "side" (for lack of better word) with tresqua in that she's letting you know she wants to be left alone and move on. Just because she sends you those texts in a moment of weakness, doesn't necessarily mean she's ready to get back into contact with you. I can understand how that would be confusing, but perhaps just ask her directly what she wishes to accomplish by sending you these messages? That's the only real way you'll ever know, because you can speculate until the end of time, but speculation doesn't really get one very far very often.