Can't get intimate with my gf..her teeth bother me, should I tell her?

[noneStar]

We really like eachother and have been seeing eachother for 8 months. She's becoming frustrated with my lack of affection, and after a recent outing she sent me a long email venting, and I quote:

 

"I feel like we have no physical chemistry and every time I try to set the mood you get really awkward which makes me feel really awkward and I shut down. I have said a few times that I need you to be more proactive in the relationship than reactive and I see that you have gotten better but it shouldn’t be this difficult babe. You're great at times and other times you completely drop the ball. I feel like there is absolutely no romance in our relationship or intimacy and it makes me wonder why?"

I'm generally not the most affectionate/romantic guy to begin with, but what's really holding me back is her teeth! She's a beautiful woman and it's not that they're gross or anything, they're just not the straightest or whitest and she has a bit of an overbite. I know she's aware of it, because she doesn't smile with her teeth showing in pics, and that's she is trying to do something about it ... getting them whitened and wearing invisalign braces (do these actually work?)

 

Should I tell her that this is one reason that has holding me back? or would that be too mean?

 

I know everyone has physical shortcoming...I have a huge ugly nose for example. But I can't get past it! It's more of my mental issue than her physical one...I feel really bad.

[Seraphim]

Maybe if you have a problem with her teeth not being cosmetically aesthetically pleasing to you, you should pay for the dental work? This is not something that is cheap. If she is a beautiful person inside and out and she keeps her teeth clean and gets check ups I do not see a "not perfect" teeth as a big issue. You know teeth are not supposed to be neon white right? That they are supposed to naturally reflect one"s colouring and that they darken with age? This neon white is chemically created and it wears down the dentin. Yup, I think it would be hugely mean and shallow to tell her you can not get close to her because of something so minimal.

[annie24]

I wonder what you would have done if you were born 100 years ago, before braces and tooth whitening procedures?

[Ariel85]

Why are you dating her if she find her so physically repulsive?

[Seraphim]

It might be better to let her go and find someone who truly loves her and won't give her a complex.

[Huntress0527]

I wonder what you would have done if you were born 100 years ago, before braces and tooth whitening procedures?

 

Seriously, as long as she takes care of them then there really shouldn't be a problem. I have issues about teeth too but only that they aren't rotting or have smoker's teeth (I am highly sensitive to cigarette smoke so this is for good reason)

 

My fiance and I both would absolutely love to have dental work done but it is way too expensive for something that is for strictly vanity.

 

So either pay for the dental work or let it go.

[Kristylynn]

I dated a guy for almost 2 years who had messed up teeth, it botherd me a lot in the beginning, but the more I got to know him and realize how good he was to me and how much fun we had that I didn't care anymore. I fell in love with who he was as a person. THEN he cheated on me for several months and I dumped hiss sorry @$$! Now the chick he cheated on me with are friends and when she found out he was with me when he was with her she kicked him to the curb and we make fun of his jacked up teeth together!

[noneStar]

Maybe if you have a problem with her teeth not being cosmetically aesthetically pleasing to you, you should pay for the dental work? .... Yup, I think it would be hugely mean and shallow to tell her you can not get close to her because of something so minimal.

 

I would be willing, but how do I bring it up? She's already doing it herself and I've never mentioned it. She's clearly been self-conscious about it since before dealing with me.

 

I'm an extremely self-conscious person about my own appearance so I understand.

 

Why are you dating her if she find her so physically repulsive?

 

I don't find her physically repulsive and I really like her otherwise. Didn't really bother me at first...I'm a little reluctant with affection normally, as I don't go there, so maybe it's just a distraction.

 

 

I wonder what you would have done if you were born 100 years ago, before braces and tooth whitening procedures?

 

Depends on what part of the world you were in, their dental care practices and their diet. Not all people without access to modern dental care have terrible teeth.

 

Dr. Weston A. Price researched this in the 1930s and wrote a book about how certain "primitive" people had really healthy teeth (straight, white, no cavities) because they ate a traditional foods diet high in fat soluable vitamins A and D, etc. and the minute they switched to modern diets, they're teeth suffered.

 

See this book and its pictures: link removed

[mrwebcam]

My ex had crooked teeth and discoloring and for the longest time she would not show me her beautiful smile. She was insecure about it but i reassured her how beautiful she is inside and out. You knew about her teeth before you two got together, maybe its not her teeth and there is a bigger issue you have. It would be really low of you to say something to her about her imperfections,she was probably teased about her whole life and this probably would crush her hearing how unattractive you think her beauty is from someone she loves. How would you feel if she said Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps changing tempo or Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face. Sure you wouldn't like it

[noneStar]

My ex had crooked teeth and discoloring and for the longest time she would not show me her beautiful smile. She was insecure about it but i reassured her how beautiful she is inside and out. You knew about her teeth before you two got together, maybe its not her teeth and there is a bigger issue you have. It would be really low of you to say something to her about her imperfections,she was probably teased about her whole life and this probably would crush her hearing how unattractive you think her beauty is from someone she loves. How would you feel if she said Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps changing tempo or Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face. Sure you wouldn't like it

 

I wouldn't totally like it but would appreciate it, and I would ask her if she thought a rhinoplasty could solve the situation...it would re-enforce how I already view my nose, but nobody has ever told me.

[ProtestTheHero]

 

Dr. Weston A. Price researched this in the 1930s and wrote a book about how certain "primitive" people had really healthy teeth (straight, white, no cavities) because they ate a traditional foods diet high in fat soluable vitamins A and D, etc. and the minute they switched to modern diets, they're teeth suffered.

 

That is Dr. Weston Price's professional opinion, but let's not pretend that his findings didn't receive mixed reviews and weren't controversial.

 

Never view a potential boyfriend or a girlfriend as a work in progress or a project. If you can't accept her for who she is inside and out (and I'm not saying you're wrong or "bad" to feel this way, you can't control it) then find someone more your style.

[JonasWaingaro]

My ex had crooked teeth and discoloring and for the longest time she would not show me her beautiful smile. She was insecure about it but i reassured her how beautiful she is inside and out. You knew about her teeth before you two got together, maybe its not her teeth and there is a bigger issue you have. It would be really low of you to say something to her about her imperfections,she was probably teased about her whole life and this probably would crush her hearing how unattractive you think her beauty is from someone she loves. How would you feel if she said Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps changing tempo or Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face. Sure you wouldn't like it

 

I dunno, this was my first thought as well. Maybe the teeth are an excuse for a larger issue?

[jenny_mcs]

It's not her teeth. You wrote this on another thread a few months ago:

 

"I have this weird problem, I see sex as a solo activity, something not to be shared with others. I'm not that into physically being with someone versus fantasizing about it. Actually doing it is awkward and I feel kind of squeemish while being too close to another nperson. Kissing isn't even enjoyable, I feel outside of my body judging what we're doing as a kind of ridiculous and irrational thing to do. I have sexual needs, but i take care of them myself in complete privacy. This isn't a problem when I'm single but when I start seeing someone it can become one. Maybe I'm addicted to porn and prefer it to sex with a real woman, I don't know. I can't figure this out anymore."

[Day_Walker]

If you have been "dating" for 8 months and you cant stand her teeth, then you need to move on.

[april15]

You need to get over it or move on. She knows something is amiss and she knows her teeth are an issue, so it is your choice on how honest you want to be. It sounds like you have a chance to get past this, but I think you need accept her as is. She is onto the negative chemistry that is developing due to your reluctance.

[tattoobunnie]

So her teeth didn't bother you before, and now you are repulsed by them after 8 months? Um, are you sure this isn't your way to avoid committment? Or is there something else about the relationship that is bothering you. I think you may have manifested the problem or issue you have with her teeth.

[ToF]

Bad teeth are a pet-peeve of mine, so I understand where you're coming from. What I wonder is, why did you start dating her in the first place if you didn't like her teeth?

[annie24]

It's not her teeth. You wrote this on another thread a few months ago:

 

"I have this weird problem, I see sex as a solo activity, something not to be shared with others. I'm not that into physically being with someone versus fantasizing about it. Actually doing it is awkward and I feel kind of squeemish while being too close to another nperson. Kissing isn't even enjoyable, I feel outside of my body judging what we're doing as a kind of ridiculous and irrational thing to do. I have sexual needs, but i take care of them myself in complete privacy. This isn't a problem when I'm single but when I start seeing someone it can become one. Maybe I'm addicted to porn and prefer it to sex with a real woman, I don't know. I can't figure this out anymore."

 

Sounds like this is the bigger issue here......

[noneStar]

I've never dumped anyone and would feel horrible if it was just over teeth, when so much else is great. I really like her and would like to see a future for us together but commitment is a hard thing. There's always potentially someone out there that is a better fit, someone you're more attracted to, etc. Her teeth's flaws weren't apparent to me early on and grew as an issue when it seemed there was pressure/expectation to be affectionate and started noticing them more. I do get cold feet when I get closer to a person and have a bad habit of nitpicking at things I didn't see initially.

[annie24]

It reminds me of the movie "So I married an Axe Murderer" with Mike Myers when he dumps his gf because she smells like soup.

[gingerlemon]

Never view a potential boyfriend or a girlfriend as a work in progress or a project. If you can't accept her for who she is inside and out (and I'm not saying you're wrong or "bad" to feel this way, you can't control it) then find someone more your style.

 

If you have been "dating" for 8 months and you cant stand her teeth, then you need to move on.

 

I second these. Allow her to meet someone who can appreciate her the way she is. If you can't have sex with her because of her teeth, this relationship is a bit of a waste of time, IMO.

[JonasWaingaro]

I've never dumped anyone and would feel horrible if it was just over teeth, when so much else is great. I really like her and would like to see a future for us together but commitment is a hard thing. There's always potentially someone out there that is a better fit, someone you're more attracted to, etc. Her teeth's flaws weren't apparent to me early on and grew as an issue when it seemed there was pressure/expectation to be affectionate and started noticing them more. I do get cold feet when I get closer to a person and have a bad habit of nitpicking at things I didn't see initially.

 

I'd say you need to work on these things a lot more than she needs to work on her teeth. You'll get nowhere with the attitude of 'potentially someone out there...', there's always someone potentially out there. Always. If you live like that you'll never be satisfied in a relationship. And your partners will sense it and lead you right back to square one. Ya know?

[tattoobunnie]

It's not that you didn't notice a physical appearance or attribute before. You seek things to nit-pick and obsess over as your way to avoid commitment.

 

The problem is not with her or her teeth. One day you'll be dating a model, and you'll still find something wrong with her when the time to become more intimate & closer is on the horizon.

 

 

You have a lot of work to do internally. I'm not sure why you have blockages and walls up when it comes to this point. I would suggest seeking someone to talk to to give you a professional and new perspective.

 

I have also found that those focusing on minute details that are based on physical aspects are actually their way of expressing their own feelings of inadequacy. Example: bully beating up a kid because he feels unloved.

[DD123]

dont say anything, you will probably just make her self conscience for no good reason...idk, i guess what im thinking is, is that if you truly loved her her small imperfection wouldnt stop you from being affectionate...

[Ariel85]

It's not her teeth. You wrote this on another thread a few months ago:

 

"I have this weird problem, I see sex as a solo activity, something not to be shared with others. I'm not that into physically being with someone versus fantasizing about it. Actually doing it is awkward and I feel kind of squeemish while being too close to another nperson. Kissing isn't even enjoyable, I feel outside of my body judging what we're doing as a kind of ridiculous and irrational thing to do. I have sexual needs, but i take care of them myself in complete privacy. This isn't a problem when I'm single but when I start seeing someone it can become one. Maybe I'm addicted to porn and prefer it to sex with a real woman, I don't know. I can't figure this out anymore."

 

Good calll, Jenny!

 

I think if someone prefers masturbation over sex with a live body, there most certainly is more here at play than gnarly teeth.