Depression, lack of communication & other things…

[anonymousjoe]

Well, we been together for about 3 years and living together for 2 ½ years or so. Thought everything was going ok, maybe a little dull/routine but not so. Lately, within the last 6 months/1year I feel we been growing apart. Not as close as we used to be. Intimacy is almost non existent, seems I can’t even make her laugh anymore. Whenever she’s around other people I occasionally see her genuine laughter instead of the courtesy laugh I routinely get. Couple of times I got home early from work and her reaction was “What are you doing here?” Kind of like I’m intruding on her personal space instead of her being happy to see me.

 

The other day she brought it up and we talked about it for a bit. I guess she can’t really confide in me, she’s even anxious around me. She says we don’t communicate and that sometimes when she tries to talk to me I get mad & ignore her. She also told me about her depression. I knew about it, but wasn’t sure how bad it was. She is seeing a therapist and getting some medication but not sure how effective the treatment is. At best she’s not getting worse, certainly not improving. She’s anxious around other people and she also mentioned how she has low self esteem, no motivation what so ever (outdoor activities, friends, sex, hobbies, etc) & this I have noticed. Whenever I suggest we do something, she more or less says no and I end up doing it by myself. After work she’s always tired and needs to take a nap even though her job is not physical.

 

About my communication, getting mad, ignoring her & no compassion. I guess her depression comes accross as pity. “I don’t want to do this, have a headache, no energy, tired, etc” I don’t get mad about this, but when we get in arguments and she pushes the issue (no communication) I do get mad. It will start out quiet and rational but eventually the argument will escalate and I’ll start ignoring her. I don’t feel like dragging out the argument all nigh long. She’ll also say that I offer no compassion/support, but I disagree. When she went through some tough times with her dad’s health I was there for her. Help out financially, help out around the house, I’m reliable. If she has a genuine problem I try to help out the best I can, but just moping around the house, watching sports all day (sports not my thing), I feel like she just wants pity for some non existent problem.

 

She uses her childhood as the source of her problems/depression. Not a close family atmosphere at home, not enough attention and that’s why she’s depressed. I’m looking at her sideways at this point. She had both parents around, they did the best they could for her wants’ & needs, not an environment with drugs at home, even put her through college. Perfect, maybe not but it certainly could have been a lot worse. And if that’s the case, how long does it take to get over it? How long to stop seeking your mom’s approval? Get off the couch & do something? Get excited about something? Have a passion? I imagine depression is just like any other sickness. In order to get better you, yourself have to want it and nobody else can help you really. I want to help but it’s so hard when you just hit a negative wall over and over again.

 

Another giant step we have to get through is that I’m atheist and although she’s not too religious herself she does want to take out kids (if we ever have any) to church, baptized, etc. Brought this up a few times and it always gets put on the back burner. Work on the other stuff first and figure it out later.

 

Love the girl, but it’s just getting to be so emotionally draining. Seems we’re getting further and further apart with no reconciliation is sight.

 

Any thoughts, ideas?

 

Thanks