Dating after a long term relationship

[cdalton17]

I am back for some input please..

I was cheated on then dumped by my ex-girlfriend of 7+ years living together. It has been a little over 4 months, Almost 5. I did all the right things for healing and moving on, went to the gym, still going, stopped drinking for a while, went to see a therapist several times, read some books. Went on here for a bit... etc. I was really hurt by my ex. Never seen it(her leaving) coming. Now I have seen a few girls, But now one is getting serious with me. She wants a serious relationship. I am not certain, but it is what I want, She is pretty, she has a good stable career, She is a good catch. Do I continue this realtionship on a serious level and just be catious? Am I ready for a commited relationship after only 4-5 months? I mean something could/is there with us. Just not sure(cause I still think bout ex sometimes, like what is she doing). I still have thoughts for my ex, But not in the way I use to months ago. I dont want her back at all. She did too much damge to our relationship and to me. What do you suggest? I am torn. I can fall for this girl. She is in a position to get attached and move quickly with us. Please some good advice is recomended.

[Eocsor]

Are you in love or not? Just because you can check off a bunch of boxes doesn't mean anything unless you are in love.

 

A lot of psychologists say that you don't heal from a significant relationship for about 18 months on average. I was in two relationships of over a decade each and I wasn't ready to date, let alone commit, for about that length of time after each.

 

Just be sure you aren't getting into tthis relationship to fill a space. Do it because you are really ready to move on and have real feelings for this girl.

 

And just because she's in a position to get attached and move quickly doesn't mean you should. Really, if she cares for you whats the rush? Take time to see if what you have is real. Never let anyone pressure you. If they do, thats not love. Thats someone who is in a hurry to get to a certain point in their life. If she cares, she'll wait.

[nutbrownhare]

Just tell her that you are serious about her, but that you need to take things slowly and really get to know each other. It depends what you mean by 'serious level'; if that means being exclusive, being reliable, honest and you can imagine being with her for the foreseeable future, then I don't see a problem.

 

If that means getting engaged, married, having a child or buying a house together then I'd say slow down. It takes around two years before you really know what makes someone tick and how you really fit together, and at 4-5 months you are still in the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship and aren't yet in a position to make that judgment. That's regardless of whether you're out of another relationship or not.

 

Of course you still think about your ex. She was a major part of your life for a long time, but from what you said here it doesn't sound as though you're languishing over her, and someone special's come into your life. I'd just continue as you are. Having said that it takes all that time to get to know a person realistically, I think we often know in the very early stages whether a relationship is likely to be long term or not. It's just that we don't yet know what form that will take.

 

There may also be times when you feel old unexpressed grief arising, for example when you hear a piece of music which was important to both of you, but let yourself know that this is just part of the process of letting go and moving on, and just let it happen without worrying about it.

[Goncas]

I second that, You know how love feels so the question is...do you love her? maybe its to soon to tell, try to go slowly if you can

[cdalton17]

I agree with you to a certain point. Yes she is ready to move quicker than I am. But Love? with who the ex? or with this one? Of course I love the ex. I was with her for almost 8 years. Just cause you have love for someone, doesnt mean I want them back in my life, I love myself too much to be hurt like that agian, she cheated and then left me after I forgave her. That is not love on her part. She was childish, selfish, and a coward of how she left. Did my ex love me? yes of course she did. But she did way to much damge to me and to our relationship to ever it be another one.

 

Now for this new girl. I do care for her. I dont love her yet. Love is grown from seeds planted in a relationship. Not from the start, That is lust. We are both mature, She was hurt in her past relationship, Almost the same way as me. We have both grown form it. I know I have, There is times my ex comes to my mind of missing her, this is normal. How can she not come to my mind? unless I am a robot with no feelings. and I am ready though for a commited relationship? That is the true question. I refuse to have sex with her. I will and can wait till feelings are stronger. I did have sex with two other girls prior to her just last month. It was not a healthy thing to do for me. This is why I wont with her till there is more feelings. She does though want certain things in her life. Marriage, kids etc. she is 33 and of course she wants to have what we all want. I feel I can be with her. But I guess just take it slow? I have not talked with my ex in over a month, I blocked her from all contact with me. But my ex did try and contact the mother of my kids(previous 10 year relationship) and asked how the kids were. and said she is not doing to well and was sad, I did not want to hear about it and blocked it form my mind. So what to do?

[cdalton17]

I think there is a confusion here. I been broken-up for 4-5 months now. I only been seeing this girl for 3 weeks... But it is moving and devolping quickly.. Sorry for any miss understanding..

[nutbrownhare]

I only been seeing this girl for 3 weeks... But it is moving and devolping quickly.. Sorry for any miss understanding..

Unless you knew her beforehand, and had a fair idea of what sort of person she is anyway - this is far, far too soon to know! Just take things slowly! If, of course, you've been friends for years and know pretty well what you're getting into, then fair enough and I hope things work out.

 

But if you've only been seeing her for three weeks, didn't know her beforehand and she's ALREADY getting serious, I'd be very wary. Actually, terrified would be closer to the mark ...

[Eocsor]

Well, if thats the way you feel and it's only been 4 - 5 months I'd say it's too soon and that you should clear your mind a little more before the next relationship. Otherwise you're just jumping from one to the next without really healing and this girl will be a rebound

[Kaytie]

If you really care about her and think it may go somewhere then just play it by ear. However, I do think you should take things slowly and keep the lines of communication open about your fears or concerns.

 

After my 12 year relationship ended I dated casually a few months afterwards, but I was not interested in anything serious until a full year had gone by. That's the time I needed for ME. I don't necessarily believe in timelines btw - many of us take a shorter or longer period of time to heal and nobody should judge that. None of us know how unhappy (or not) people are in relationships so I always loathe others judging when they are on the outside looking in (meaning, a lot of the grieving may have already been done during the relationship). For me, I was blindsided so it took awhile to get over that shock and I was pretty much done with women at that point. I did a TON of work on myself and I was glad I did.

 

Now I'm in the best relationship ever and it's been 5 months today - and for me personally, I'm glad I took that year for myself.

[cdalton17]

Unless you knew her beforehand, and had a fair idea of what sort of person she is anyway - this is far, far too soon to know! Just take things slowly! If, of course, you've been friends for years and know pretty well what you're getting into, then fair enough and I hope things work out.

 

But if you've only been seeing her for three weeks, didn't know her beforehand and she's ALREADY getting serious, I'd be very wary. Actually, terrified would be closer to the mark ...

No I did not know her before hand. We just met. She knows what she wants. I do want the same thing. But I am not as quick to move with us as her. We did make it public on facebook that we are in a realtionship. We did say that we would just see each other, not anyone else. Is this moving too quickly? We do joke, atleast I think, about living together in the future, and our future together. She seems "sane" atleast right now she does. Not sure, Never really dated before, Only had two longterm relationships. Am I this lucky to find someone after only 4-5 months? I do like her. she is cool. She can talk a lot. Has a lot to say. She is cautious of what personal questions she asks me. So how quick is too quick? is being in a exclusive relationship after only 3 weeks too soon? I have moved wuickly with my two prior longterm relationships, Maybe it is me? She dont seem to mind if it is. She was married before.. Just not sure. Is she a rebound? I have seen a few other girls prior to her. And they were not a match for me. This ones seems to be..

[Stay_home]

I was really hurt by my ex. Never seen it(her leaving) coming.

 

OP,

 

Based on your very first posted thread when you joined back in February you said one of the main reasons your ex left you was due to your drinking problem.

[cdalton17]

OP,

 

Based on your very first posted thread when you joined back in February you said one of the main reasons your ex left you was due to your drinking problem.

 

True, I have not drank since, But she also never sat me down and said, I am leaving if you dont quit drinking. She cheated on me, I forgave her, was willing to work it out with her. She left me while at work. She had more than one excuse why she left me. That was one she gave, looking back, Being a weekend drinker was not a valid reason. Not to me anyways. So yes I did say that, i was also hurt back then, I am so much better now, I have a grip on my reality now. She was not the angel either. I have tooken her off the pedastal I have put her on when she first left me. Looking back now. We were no good for each other.

 

I guess my reasoning for coming back in posting is that, I did not think I would find anyone so quickly that is sane, I get along with and have mutual interest. I am concerned that this could be a rebound due to just the time of all of this. I dont want it to be a rebound, I actually would love for something to grow from what we have going on.

 

Not sure what the meaning of the reasons for why she left me is? I was a mess back then. Think about it, She cheated on me, ied to me, then left me and I put her up on a pedastal like she was a god. That was insane. she is no better than me, or probably worse than me, drinking or no drinking. I would never do what she did to another person with out talking or working it through. She is a coward, she is a cheater. she is broken. period...

[Eocsor]

Well, it's just my opinion but the way you are talking about your ex still sounds like you aren''t over her and have a lot of bitterness still. Which can't help but impact any new relationship. Be very careful for the sake of the new girl. You don't want to end up really hurting her.

PS

I still say it's way too soon to be dating since you obviously still have the ex in your system.

[Stay_home]

I find it hard to believe that in 7+ years she not once ever gave you a sign of her dissatisifaction with you drinking about 20+ beers day, OP. I'm not just banging on you, this is what you wrote in your very first thread, top portion of the paragraph. And just because she doesn't mention anything about it, doesn't mean that she doesn't have a problem with it.

[TSandullo]

Am I ready for a commited relationship after only 4-5 months?

 

Ultimately only you can answer that question. You have stated clearly you have no intention of getting back with your ex.

And now do you feel about the girl? She may want to accelerate the process, but if you want to take things slower, tell the girl and be totally honest with how you feel about moving too fast.

 

Hopefully she will be understanding. And if you have feelings for her, that might grow into something great.

 

All the best,

 

TS

[Day_Walker]

I think that as long as you can honestly say that you do not want your ex back then you are ready to start dating. I would be cautious to seriously date some one at this point. You have to ask yourself how you feel about this person, I would just be hoenst with her and go from there.