Ex breaks 3months NC!! why? guilt!

[delboi]

Hey guys and girls...

 

Some of you probably know my story, but after a failed recon attempt, i went into NC for 3 months.

I never even thought of breaking it, i was moving forwards and healing and it was going pretty well.

 

These last few days, it was weird i was thinking of her more than usual, and she popped up in a dream or two (i hate it when that happens!grrr) but anyway, today out of the blue she conacts me (on messenger, which she hadnt used for literally years, so i know it was purely to speak to me).

 

Im just wondering, why i still give a sh*t, i mean i understand she was a part of my life and all that sort of stuff that it takes time, but i still feel anger towards her and miss her from time to time?? even though i had fully accepted its over! i think anyway.

 

The whole conversation was a disguise of her wanted to be friends, but it was actually so she could get rid of her guilt that shes seeing someone else and as she said "i didnt want you to hate me for it".

And i dont, i fully understand she can move on. I said yeah we could be friends, but actually i dont think im quite there yet, nevertheless, its unlikely we will speak soon.

 

But theres something there, its not love or anything like that, im not even sure what it is but it keeps me from completely getting over her. WHY? what is this emotional blockage?!

 

its really quite frustrating because i wouldnt want to get back with her as it would be doomed to failure anyway, im just stuck in this stage of healing though and am a bit lost for direction as to move past it.

 

I think i need to forgive her, but i dont know how or what for? for dumping me? sending mixed messages? wanting to get back? then effectively changing her mind? the emotional stress? hmmm maybe all of it, but i've tried, i want to forgive her but i dont know how, i feel resentment towards her.

 

Im trying to analyse my emotions, but im failing at it lol. Maybe its just the shock of the first contact in so long, and the news shes seeing someone thats thrown me off. But i just want to be over it all, 100%!!!

 

I think what she is doing is wrong, she got with that guy straight after the break up, as he was a shoulder to cry on, so she wasnt fully healed, she then stopped seeing him as she wanted to reconcile, after i said we cant reconcile, she went straight back to him... I suppose hes getting sex and doesnt really care, but i want to fully heal before committing to anything or is that where im going wrong? should i just get into a relationship, will that make me forget about her? tbh when i do get lucky she is out of my mind for quite a while... hmmm i dont know.

 

I guess im venting and asking questions in hope that maybe i'l figure this out. Im not heart broken that i heard from her, maybe a little stressed, annoyed, frustrated....

Ive definitely been moving forward, but now it feels im stuck at a hurdle, sounds stupid i know... but there is something blocking my progress and i dont know what it is!!!!

 

any thoughts?

 

p.s im not going pyscho even though it may sound that way!

[delboi]

Update: Right now i really want to give her a piece of my mind, just tell her that i am angry at her for putting me through all that sh*t and stress, i dont see how this could help so im not going to, but just how im feeling as we never really argued, and have a craving to get it off my chest and let her know what shes done...

[irishgerry]

dont go mad at her, sometimes dumpers still want to know if they have control over you and you going mad will let her know you are still hurting over it. if you dont want her back or cant be friends just say you'd prefer if she didnt contact you and delete her off MSN.

[hello678]

You actually sound incredibly well adjusted and dealing with the situation well.

 

She sounds immature.

 

I actually think you have realized in yourself what needs to happen for you to be able to move on and you should go the next step.

 

Since you are doing so well, I wouldn't contact her outright or anything. Id just wait until she tries to contact you and than politely tell her sorry, but you don't want to be friends. Than resume no contact.

[hausser]

Yeah agreed, if she mentioned having another boyfriend what impetus do you have to reply anyway?

 

I feel for you mate, if my ex contacted me in 3 months saying she had a new boyfriend, essentially are we still friends i'd be confused as well. Just carry on NC my friend, easy to say but as you know it does work, if she wants to see you THAT bad she'll find a way.

[delboi]

yeah it sucks man.

 

Shes thrown a monkey wrench in my whole program!

 

Shes also just messaged me on facebook saying thanks for being so nice, i feel more relaxed now about moving back home... with a new facebook pic of her and her new man away in floridaaaa! haha lovelyyyyy just what i needed.

 

There is no need to reply, ive already relieved her of her guilt and worry so at least i did a good thing there I actually feel quite proud of taking the high ground on this one, it could have got messy and i could have made her feel bad but whats the point.

 

As much as i had an urge for revenge earlier, just so she could feel pain!!!! lol... i dont actually want that, no one really likes hurting people and i think i would have felt worse if i did

 

And to be fair, its hard to judge from a photo, but he seems like a nice guy... not as good looking as me but i dont know they actually fit well together in photos, we never really did.

now im thinking good for her!!

 

hmmm i think i might be making some progess here... it starting to make sense now, wow could it be im actually forgiving her ?!

 

lets not get ahead here im expecting up and down emotions for a few days, but im already feeling better!!

[hello678]

Yeah agreed, if she mentioned having another boyfriend what impetus do you have to reply anyway?

 

I feel for you mate, if my ex contacted me in 3 months saying she had a new boyfriend, essentially are we still friends i'd be confused as well. Just carry on NC my friend, easy to say but as you know it does work, if she wants to see you THAT bad she'll find a way.

 

Confused isn't the word... Whats the word? Blind Rage, hate? =P

[hello678]

The problem is man, there is a difference between being nice and being a doormat. Now this goes against the "eNA guides" but there is no reason to accept being friends when your ex dumps you, moves on, and rubs it in your face and THEN messages you trying to relieve their guilt.

 

Whatever helps you sleep at night, but theres no chance I would have agreed to being friends. You can tell her its ok and that she should move on, thats fine, but friends? Never.

[delboi]

haha i completely agree with you man but also disagree too...

 

And although most breakups have their similarities, each have their differences too making everyones best outcome different.

 

Its ok, i rubbed a lot of things in her face too, and tbh she asked for how many so it was her own fault if she got offended lol. I realise this makes me sound bad, but as you said, i did feel like i was being a bit too nice so i was more than happy to tell her, even though i didnt let her know that.

 

I dont know man, i think for me to truly get over her, i have to forgive her, which i think im getting there if im honest... this doesnt mean we will be best buds, far from it, and it doesnt really mean ive been walked all over on either just because im single, shes not and has told me about it.

 

If im honest i wouldnt have told her, but shes probably the most sensitive person ive ever met and that guilt would cause her more harm than it would good me, if i had not relieved it...

 

It is hard to analyse your emotions, so maybe im just on an up, and will post back a few hours later completely agreeing with you and hoping the bi*ch would vanish, but at the moment im feeling better about everything by forgiving her, the relationship is a 2way thing, cant always blame the other person...

[hello678]

Dont look at the fact she has found a new partner and you havn't as a sign of weakness. When i first went single I had multiple girls contact me trying to become the rebound girlfriend. But im not interested, i'm not keen, I don't want to have them. All I want right now is to be alone and to get my life on track to the point im completely happy with it.

 

I never said man don't forgive her, if you are at that point im happy for you, very happy. All i recommend is that you don't open the door to becoming friends. Friends and forgiveness are two very different things.

 

If my ex walked through the door I would probably tell her I forgive her too, but I certainly don't want to be friends. Having me as a friend is something that people have to work for in this life, Im selective and I hold myself in high esteem.

[ChellyV]

Reading through a lot of recent posts here I wonder why almost all our ex's contact us after 3 months? Reality hitting them that we are gone?

if you're still angry delay responding to her. Better not say anything than regret it later.

You're doing great with NC. Keep it up. You know the best timing when to break it.

[delboi]

Good point tom and good advice.

 

When its me directly involved in the situation, it becomes much harder to clearly analyse things, and tbh ive never felt as bad as i had during the BU. It was really for the best, but all logic seemed to go out the window, so emotions seem to overpower my logic...

 

I dont know what is happening now, im in a much better state than before, but maybe emotions are still playing with my logic.

 

I dont think we could ever really be friends, for a good few years anyway, so im not saying im going to start hanging out with her, that would be stupid.

 

Im just trying to let go of all resentment, and i suppose, letting go of all care regarding her. Not in a bad way, but i think thats whats needed.

 

Guess its just going to take more time, its hard to feel like your not doing anything wrong, when some people manage to move on within a month and others years...

maybe we just have bigger hearts, or thats what i will say to keep my self happy anyway

[MissyMolly]

Hey del - been following your updates, and just wanted to say I think it's great that

while it is tempting to want to "shame" her, you are refraining. I think when we are dealing with rejection (it's often not about the PERSON, it's about the REJECTION), the temptation is to shame and blame. Nice job on avoiding that. And beyond that, I really love the idea of sort of AGREEING with them about the break-up - you know, like, "Yeah, I've thought a lot about it, and I think you were right - we SHOULD break up!". It's kind of unnerving for the dumper to hear that we are not resisting it - they then begin to second-guess THEMSELVES!

[lamarthe]

[ But theres something there, its not love or anything like that, im not even sure what it is but it keeps me from completely getting over her. WHY? what is this emotional blockage?!

 

that's exactly how I feel...drives me nuts.

[delboi]

Hey del - been following your updates, and just wanted to say I think it's great that

while it is tempting to want to "shame" her, you are refraining. I think when we are dealing with rejection (it's often not about the PERSON, it's about the REJECTION), the temptation is to shame and blame. Nice job on avoiding that. And beyond that, I really love the idea of sort of AGREEING with them about the break-up - you know, like, "Yeah, I've thought a lot about it, and I think you were right - we SHOULD break up!". It's kind of unnerving for the dumper to hear that we are not resisting it - they then begin to second-guess THEMSELVES!

 

Thanks for the reply, glad some one agrees with my approach haha

 

Yeah I'm sure they second guess themselves, and im sure in the future if they break up, we will get a text out of the blue... but by then the healing process would be over! and we shall be free!

 

At the end of the day thats what i think all dumpees want.... they get to a point where, we no longer hope, no longer even want to reconcile, no longer want to really involve them in our lives in any single way, no longer really care! but yet we are still affected by them... why!!

 

I dont know lamarthe its quite strange, im even aware of this "blockage" but have no idea what it is... i thought maybe forgiveness would be the way to overcome it...

But after further analysis im starting to think that this blockage is an unresolved issue in the past.... brought up again by the break up... might sound stupid but here is an example that im considering to be the cause of mine (without getting too deep)

 

As a child i didnt get as much attention as i perhaps would have liked, which i never really thought much of, but i could have got a lot more love especially from my dad, he was always emotionally cold, he worked his ass off to support us, and i know he loves me but didnt show it enough. (haha this is getting a bit gay but il carry on in hope it might help me or someone)

Anyway i realise now this was probably the main reason ive been relatively emotionally cold in the past, and always never really felt to strongly about other people until they are gone!

 

This is where the ex's come in.

They gave you the attention and love you longed for, and you get used to filling that hole.

When thats gone, ok you miss the ex and all, but you get over them but still feel stuck, in the healing process of the break up...because its brought back that "hole" which we wrongly assume is due to our ex.

 

But its not... we just associate it with them if you see what im saying?

Ok its got a bit long winded now, and i dont know if anyone will even get my point haha, but im just trying to make sense of everything and heal.

Think maybe il go spend more time with my dad, see if im actually on the ball or going nuts!!