I'm clearly more into her than she is into me. should I just end it now?

[Lanyru]

Hey gang. So, I don't know why, I feel asleep for 2hrs, 4:45am and I feel like . Maybe it was that dream I had. I don't know. You can look up my last thread for a bit of history on this girl I'm dating, but to summarize: she's seeing other people and she told me- it's just her style before settling down and becoming exclusive, and I'm ok with it, or maybe I'm not now.

 

I dropped her off at the airport Friday and picked her up last night. Before last night, we'd been only been on two dates, & I've seen her 4 times total now: 2 dates, taking her to the airport, and picking her up from the airport; we've kissed in the last three meetings (lips, no tongue). When I dropped her off home last night she asked me if I was still up for seeing her show on Friday, I said sure, and then she said maybe we can get dinner before then? I said, sure, so I guess I'll see again on Friday at 5pm. Then I kissed her, this time longer than usual and I just don't know. It's like I'm kissing an inanimate object. I went in for another kiss to try and prolong it, and she sort of just stood there. I stroked her hair a little, nothing. She didn't resist though, she just smiled. I kissed her 4 times on the lips, told her she's very cute, etc. I didn't get the impression that she disliked it or anything, it's not like she backed off or anything.

 

What particularly bothered me was the ride home from the airport. During that 30minute drive, 90% of the discussion was focused on the Beatles. She is obsessed with the Beatles. I myself don't really care that much about them, they're a great band I believe, but her passion is, as I told her, unprecedented. I told her in the car "it's really important to you that I like the Beatles, isn't it?" And she said, "it's important that you don't despise them, but they are important to me." (By the way, her show on Friday is a 2hr radio show broadcast on the Beatles). While she was gone for the weekend, I listened to their first 5 albums as she actually asked me to do (no seriously, she wanted me to), and I read a novel she recommended. She did ask me about the book, we probably talked about it for a minute. Anytime she sends me a clip about an interview of the Beatles, I watch it, or I give a commentary via facebook.

 

We've NEVER had a discussion over the phone, except for the one time before our first date. All our discussions between dates have all been via facebook chat (mainly private messaging more than the actual real time chat), and they're all about the Beatles. If I ask one question about them, she gives me an essay. I sent her one clip about something that was politically relevant on the Daily Show (which we are both fans of), I doubt she's watched it since she hasn't commented on it. Before she left for New York on Friday, I gave her a CD of mine and said, "If I'm gonna listen to your stuff, at least give this a listen, I think you'll like it." She didn't mention it, but true I didn't ask her if she did give it a listen. We rarely text message, although when I do, she does respond immediately. She says she doesn't like talking on the phone because that takes too much effort.

 

I was really hoping that in that car ride to ask her just a couple of deeper questions to get to know her a little better and the only new thing I learned about her is that she meditates and did yoga and that she's into roller coasters. I asked her if she's heard of a certain band I liked, she didn't, I said maybe you should give them a try, they're on my fb page, we'll see if she bothers. Already since I dropped her off home about 6 hours ago, she has sent me two clips about the Beatles, 2 essay long private messages about them. I actually did ask her if she'd like to go to 6-flags Great America (a roller coaster amusement park in the Chicago Suburbs, to which she said yes, and I said we'll have to go to sometime, as that would give me all day with her basically), and she said ok.

 

So what's left on the table? We're gonna meet on Friday for 2 hours before her show for dinner. She gets out of work at 5, we'll have dinner, she has to be at her show at 7, which means we'll actually spend less than 2hrs together, and I'm gonna sit there for 2hrs with my thumb up my *** just listening? Oh, she did tell me in a message that she does have some autobiographies if I'd be interested.

 

Now, to be fair, she's never been cold to me, she's told me she likes me and wants to continue dating. I don't know, I also had a dream and woke up feeling like crap like this, I just checked my facebook message, and of course there is a private message with, you guessed it, a Beatles clip. Until Friday though, I guarantee you that if I don't initiate a conversation, she will not text/message me til Friday unless it's about the Beatles. I really do dig this girl, but damn. She told me that her philosophy on relationships is to have a strong friendship foundation first.

 

If I do end up seeing her on Friday, I'd like to tell her that for the 2hrs before her show, it would be nice if we did not talk about the Beatles as I'll be hearing about them from 7-9 anyway... but that would be a d-bag move wouldn't it?

 

I guess my question to you all: Continue dating and see where it goes? Or just forget it

[He2Him]

Very well, while I cannot make that decision for you, I can certainly provide you a tip from my own experience. Whenever I was dating a girl and I found out there's something I don't like or feel uncomfortable with, I just stopped dating her. At the beginning I didn't stop of course, and I wasted my time with one specific girl, a lot of time - maybe a bit regrettably. But also thankfully - because I learned a lot.

 

I learned that it makes no sense to compromise, and if there's some I don't wanna hear about then I tell them not to speak about it. Life's too short, literally, and I don't want to spend it trying to make things work, applying patch after patch to some broken stuff in my relationship, when I can just search and hopefully find that perfect someone who fits MY idea of a perfect partner. And ultimately, be 10times better off and 100times happier.

[Lanyru]

What's also really bothering me right now is the fact that my uncle passed away last month, my aunt will also be dying this month (terminal cancer), my best friend of 10 years is suffering from PTSD and is suicidal- my dream was about him. That's why I feel so right now. Although this probably belongs in a different forum. I realize in that post above that I may have been overreacting, because in all honesty, I'd delete that post if I could. But whatever. It's 5:30am and I'm not thinking straight.

[Lanyru]

That's good advice. Thanks

[Cadence44]

Even though you want to delete your post, I think you've got a couple of valid concerns.

 

I'm seeing a lot of benefits for her happening: rides to/from the airport, someone to hang out with, someone who she feels like she's teaching (which puts her in a one up position, by the way) while not taking his recommendations seriously, someone who she doesn't have to give much emotional support or real communication.

 

Meanwhile, you're getting your hopes built up, a lack of meaningful conversation, someone who isn't giving all that much emotionally or physically and you are justifiably getting frustrated.

 

Are you asking her questions about the Beatles to keep up the communication and that's why you get essays on Facebook or are these coming out of nowhere? Where did she go this weekend? Was it to her home in the town where her ex is? If so, that could be the reason for the weirdness - she may have emotionally retreated because she's certainly resisting being vulnerable.

 

She's keeping serious walls up and I'd be careful. Do not lose yourself in her and give her the impression that her interests are becoming your interests and don't always be available to her. I think it would be a mistake to sit around twiddling your thumbs during her show on Friday. You have a life but you're going to sit there to keep her company when she can't even talk to you? I would understand keeping her company if things were progressing, but she might just want someone for company and support. If you are always there for her then she's going to take you for granted and eventually get resentful because she thinks that you're asking so much of her even though she's actively helping to set up this dynamic by keeping her cards close to her chest and not giving much of anything to you.

 

The friends first approach is okay, but you need to watch for signs of her stringing you along. She may begin to enjoy the attention and have no real intent to move things forward. Also it is very important that you keep in mind that women aren't generally attracted to a guy who will let her walk all over him and your description of what is happening is trending in this direction. You can change that.

 

I would not always be available to her and remember to assert yourself and keep up your boundaries. Do not devour any media she recommends to you (or don't TELL her that you did) when she's not doing the same. Otherwise she knows that you spent your weekend thinking of her and knows that she's got you if she wants you. You're going out to dinner with her before her show, so I wouldn't sit there for two hours bored out of your mind afterward just because she wants some company. I'd stay for half an hour max. Make plans with your friends as an excuse to get out of there. Also don't be afraid to be yourself; if you want to talk about something other than the Beatles find a way to say "Can we talk about something other than the Beatles?" in a charming way. If she gets mad or offended then I'd suspect that she just wants to control things and keep you at arm's length, which is dangerous to your emotional well-being.

 

Also, start pulling away from her: Less communication or taking longer to respond, being busy so that you have plans with others and aren't able to see her for awhile. Let her know that you're not going to stick around when you're not getting much out of this, but do it with your actions. Don't continue down the road you're on where she's getting all the benefits and you're not getting much at all.

[TakingtheBlame]

Agree with all the posts above but my read of this girl is she may be somewhat socially inept. How old is she? I wasn't the most socially sophisticated kid in high school and I remember talking for hours about the music and bands that I liked with people, because I wasn't great at making conversation and that was all I really knew well. Looking back, I'm not sure why people put up with me...but at the time, I really felt like I was being friendly and social. Instead, I was giving people lectures on my favorite bands! So as one of the posters above said, if it doesn't feel right, you may want to just cut your losses and break it off...you haven't been seeing her nearly long enough and you're already getting annoyed with her. Oooor you can always try being a bit more assertive and telling her to pipe down about the Beatles, or just really be more assertive about your interests and favorite topics of conversation. Go on and take her to YOUR favorite band's show, or buy those tix to Six Flags...if she doesn't want to go or flakes out, then you'll know for sure she's not a keeper....but if you just let her take the lead she may think she's having fun conversation without realizing you're not into it.

[arrakis77]

...Then I kissed her, this time longer than usual and I just don't know. It's like I'm kissing an inanimate object. I went in for another kiss to try and prolong it, and she sort of just stood there. I stroked her hair a little, nothing. She didn't resist though, she just smiled. I kissed her 4 times on the lips, told her she's very cute, etc. I didn't get the impression that she disliked it or anything, it's not like she backed off or anything.

 

Speaking from experience, she isn't making herself available to you for whatever reason (emotionally, intimately, etc...). Although she likes talking about her interests (Beatles), I'll assume she hasn't made much effort to learn more about you, correct?

 

You will want to make a firm decision one way or another before this goes on much longer. I made the mistake of continuing like this for almost a month. If you really like her, try the more assertive route and pull her into your world for dates. If it feels like you're just dragging her along though, drop her completely.

[DN]

Moderator Note: please follow ENA rules on the use of bad language

[2much2early]

Ugh this sounds so exhausting lol. You need to decide if this girl is worth your time. I feel like you're continuing to date her simply because you have nothing better going, whether that's another girl or other interests in your life. Your entire post was complaining about her and your dates. That's now how this process should go lol.

 

Personally, I have a lot of interests, hobbies, friends, work, family. Lots of things that take up my time that I enjoy doing. When I start dating a girl, I need to sacrifice some of those things. I always start to miss the things I'm sacrificing but if I'm enjoying the girls company no big deal. My time is very valuable to me and I make sure I only continue to date girls that actually interest me. Just because she's hot doesn't mean I should continue dating her. Just because there's no other girl around doesn't mean I should continue dating her. If we aren't sharing interests or having interesting conversation, next. I give people the benefit of the doubt and if a single date doesn't go great but it was ok, I'll usually give it another go. As long as she was respectful and we got along alright. But I'll move on if things don't get interesting. Life's too short.

[tresqua]

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away but now it seems they're here to stay. Oh, I believe, in Yesterday.. ay ay ay.. Yesterday"

[Ms Darcy]

Wow, folks are being ridiculously unfair to this girl. Stop dating her if you feel like it, but here's what I get from you. You are kinda annoyed that she's dating other folks even though you've only been on a few dates. Oh yea, you've only been on a few dates! Then, it sounds like you are expecting certain types of conversation from her. I consider myself a deep person but if someone asks me "what are you into" and expects deep thoughts, they'll be disappointed. Conversations for me don't flow from "on the spot" situations like that.

 

And she does talk to you .. about what she loves. I find that people who are into music can give you great insight into who they are when you ask them about the songs ... how they make them feel, their connection to the words etc.

 

I'm not getting much about what you have shared with her. And I am never a fan of communicating with a dating partner via facebook or text. Also, you never asked her if she checked out what you proposed to her.

 

Those are just my initial impressions. There is another side to this story.