Religious beliefs will be the end of my relationship

[RyokoEarth]

I don't know if this is the right place for this, because there isn't a huge conflict, but we haven't broken up yet.

 

I am agnostic, but I am not particularly open with my beliefs. If someones asks, I tell, but I don't go around telling people. My beliefs have been a source of friendly debate among my friends, who are mostly Christian but accepting. So I had been close friends with a girl for two years or so, and we began to go out. I genuinely am in love with her, I have been since before we went out. I'm serious about wanting to possibly marry her in the future.

 

Eventually, of course, the topic of religion came up, and I told the truth. She is a devout christian, and I told her that I'm not interested in changing her religion, and that if we had kids in the future, I'd allow them to go to church and form their own beliefs. I had fears of her rejecting me because of our differing beliefs, but because everything seemed ok, I relaxed.

 

We've been going out for about eight or nine months now, and we've never kissed. I didn't mind so much because I thought she wanted to take it slow, and that was alright for me. When I was joking about why we'd never kissed, she said it wasn't because of the reason I thought. I was confused, and asked what was it about. She then told me I didn't want to know, and that it was about her religion. At this, I began to get a sinking feeling, but hoped that she was saying that there was a verse that I had never read restricting intimate contact for a time period or something, and that she was afraid of me thinking it stupid. I wanted to know, so I asked.

 

She said that she loved me, and that I was amazing for her, and that she wanted to marry me and have kids with me, but couldn't, because of my beliefs. She said that she couldn't let the relationship get too serious, and that she was only living in the present. She apologized, and essentially, I know what it meant, even though she didn't say it outright: Our breakup is inevitable.

 

I didn't let her know about how I felt, and I hid it. However, I feel terrible, and it hurts. It hurts that the best relationship I've ever been in with my first and only love had to be ruined by something I found so insignificant. Secondly, I want to be with her dearly, but I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be in relationships just to be in them. I get in relationships to have a future with the person, and that hope was shattered. What should I do?

[d24]

gotta be blunt here...

an 8 month relationship without even a kiss isn't a realtionship. sorry

if you're in your early teens, I can 'forgive' your naievity, otherwise you have a major problem.

 

if she's such a devout christian then there's only really two options.

you need to either convert or leave her. (because as you've said, you shouldn't change her, and I doubt she'd appreciate you trying - in fact, you shouldn't change yourself or your beliefs for anyone... so I can only see on option here)

 

But as I'm being blunt...

To be honest, she sounds really weird, stubborn, weak, immature, and generally close-minded - and I'm finding it hard to believe that you click on an intellectual level if she's so religious that she can't accept someone else's beliefs.

...then again maybe you are both extremely young, or maybe she's always wanted the white picket fence, dog, 2.4 children and going church every sunday as a family... which is something (I presume) you're not interested in.... so again.... best leave her now before you guys get into a real relationship.

 

Long and short of it... go find yourself a girlfriend who can accept you for who you are without pigeon-holing you due to your religious beliefs. 8 months of no-kissing in a 'relationship' and using your religion as an 'excuse' is pathetic.

[He2Him]

It hurts that the best relationship I've ever been in with my first and only love had to be ruined by something I found so insignificant.

 

If your religion is so insignificant as you say, then get rid of it and marry the girl.

 

I'll skip a bit ahead here....Since natural reaction of yours might be...''it's not insignificant'',.. then I'd be puzzled as to why you'd say that in the first place. Perhaps because you feel it is, but are pressured by some sort of priority (your own or the one imposed on you by others or certain group of people) to say otherwise.

 

Priorities brother, priorities. What's important to YOU is what matters. Acknowledge what it is and adjust your life accordingly. Good luck.

[RyokoEarth]

@d24

I don't think she's close minded so much she really believes in her religion. There are verses((That's what I think they are called.)) in the bible that go against inter-faith relationships, and she doesn't want to go farther because of this. You are right about the whole religion thing. Thank you for your submission and your advice.

 

@He2Him

I do find religion insignificant, personally. I don't have a religion. I believe in letting others believe what they'd like to believe in. This is why I didn't try to convert her or anything. However, me getting rid of my beliefs and converting to Christianity would be lying to myself and her. That, I do find significant. I would love to simply change my belief and be happy with it. However, that would be going against something I do believe in, and that is honesty. Thank you for you submission and your advice.

[abitbroken]

You don't have to be religious to think that marriage is sacred and you are waiting until you meet the one you will marry to have sex.

 

Also, the other thing is that there is nothing that says Christian people can't date non-Christians, it is just that its preferable if you marry someone "evenly yoked" - someone that believes what you believe not so much in terms of denomination but basic, central beliefs, so you can go through life together with a common support system and are on the same page. Christianity is about community and not going to church alone and raising your kids in faith alone while a spouse is existing. While it may be "supportive" to "allow" a spouse to believe what they want and not oppose them, its hard to raise kids when one spouse is raising them one way and the other sits at home or doesn't pipe in about faith. Even though you think its supportive to stand back, kids see one parent not participating and it makes them feel that they are unsupportive. I know that people have spouses all the time that are non participatory, but she may feel optimally she may want someone who wants to participate in the kids' enrichment. She is not discriminating against you - its just when you start to date people for a bit you sort of get to know them and get to the point of deciding if they would be a good life partner for you or not. While I think the role of a friend can be equal opportunity, you can discriminate all you want on who is going to be beside you as your spouse. There can be dealbreakers and criteria and certain things one has to have at the very basic level to be happy.

[RyokoEarth]

@abitbroken

(2 Cor 6:14-18 ) : 14 Do not be mismatched with unbelievers. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship is there between light and darkness? 15 What agreement does Christ have with Beliar? Or what does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will live in them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. 17 Therefore come out from them, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch nothing unclean; then I will welcome you, 18 and I will be your father, and you shall be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”

 

That's what I found. I'm not one hundred percent sure, as I cannot claim to have read it in the bible myself, but there it is.

 

Either way, you have opened a new point of view for me. Really, thank you for telling me that. I had just thought it'd be okay, but I suppose it can have a great effect on the future. I don't feel much better about the whole thing, but you've helped me understand so much more. Even if the bible verse isn't there, you've helped me understand the conflicts in inter-faith relationships better. Thank you for your submission and your advice.

[d24]

@abitbroken

(2 Cor 6:14-18 ) : 14 Do not be mismatched with unbelievers.

 

Ryoko how old are you guys

[Snny]

Ryoko: Careful. Citing religious texts and stirring a religious debate WILL get this thread shut down by a Moderator. We're only allowed to give advice on the relationship issues.

 

Abitbroken raised a valid point about what children see. Church can be very boring for young children who have to sit through it for an hour or more. If you don't make an attempt to show a presence in a Christian community and make them go with mom, they may hold that resentment against you. Being in a marriage and with children means parents SHARE the responsibilities of raising the children TOGETHER, not separately. This is why religion can be a major conflict. If your girlfriend is a devote Christian, you are going to run into problems unless one of you gives in (mainly you).

 

I am Catholic... I dated someone who was Wiccan and Agnostic... and it didn't work out because of personal value differences.

[Stay_home]

We've been going out for about eight or nine months now, and we've never kissed. I didn't mind so much because I thought she wanted to take it slow, and that was alright for me. When I was joking about why we'd never kissed, she said it wasn't because of the reason I thought. I was confused, and asked what was it about. She then told me I didn't want to know, and that it was about her religion. At this, I began to get a sinking feeling, but hoped that she was saying that there was a verse that I had never read restricting intimate contact for a time period or something, and that she was afraid of me thinking it stupid. I wanted to know, so I asked.

 

People like that scare me, really.

[banal]

Here's what you should do: forget about her. You have no future with her. You haven't even kissed her after almost an entire year. Move on to someone with whom you can develop physical intimacy and who is willing to let you into her life.

[hexaemeron]

Next! Seriously. Non-starter.