worried about my gf

[joekim]

Hi, I hope this is the right place to post this.

 

My gf and I have been dating for 4 years, since hs. We used to see or text each other everyday. However, last year, she moved to a college about two hours away, so we don't see each other as much anymore, but I still make the effort to drive up there every weekend.

 

Recently however, I noticed that she doesn't text back as often. She used to text back every half hour, but now she sometimes doesn't reply until the next day. I asked her about this, and she assured me that she's just busy with school, that's all.

 

But on my last visit, I found stuff that kinda concerned me. When she was showering, curiosity got the better of me, and I sort of went through her things. I know I shouldn't have, but I did find a box of condoms, and they were open. I also noticed that a lot of her clothes were sort of like skimpy. When I asked her about the condoms, she kinda didn't say anything at first, and then she told me they were her roomates, and that she was just hiding them because her roomates mom came over the other day. And then she got upset at the fact that I was going through her things, which was understandable. I asked her about the clothing, and she told me that every girl on campus dresses like that, and that I was overeacting. I said sorry, and didn't bring up the incident all weekend, but things were weird between us, obiviously.

 

I care about her sooo much I don't know what to do. I really hope she isn't cheating on me, but I'm just scared. I'm just wondering if her explanation for the condoms was reasonable, or if she is cheating. I just don't what to do or say at this point. Any advice?

[dramallama]

I think she is at the very least pulling away from you because she's so far away and has found new friends or someone that she's interested in. At the most, she's proably cheating. I think a break up is imminent. If you want to continue this relationship - do NOT chase after her or text her. Cut down on the contact by half and let her miss you. It might not change things though, so be prepared for a break up and then take it with dignity and move on.

[xyzzzz]

maybe ask her roommate if the condom is hers?

[banal]

I think she is at the very least pulling away from you because she's so far away and has found new friends or someone that she's interested in. At the most, she's proably cheating. I think a break up is imminent. If you want to continue this relationship - do NOT chase after her or text her. Cut down on the contact by half and let her miss you. It might not change things though, so be prepared for a break up and then take it with dignity and move on.

 

Yup. Looks like she's taking the coward's way out here.

 

As for the texting, though, I think it's understandable that she'd scale back on it. I mean, you guys are texting a ton.

[joekim]

I really don't know her roomate that well, so it'd be kinda weird to just ask her about the condoms.

 

I miss her so much, it's hard for me not to contact her.

I sent her a text last night saying I miss her and can't wait to see her again. No response.

This is driving me crazy, I can't even sleep at night, waiting all night for her to text back.

 

The thought of her being with someone else is killing me. She's really cheating on me? I want to be sure. I was thinking of dropping by her place during the week. I don't know what else to do.

[dramallama]

Well, I told you to cut back on the texting. It's natural to chase after someone when they pull away, but it just makes them irritated. If she is with someone else and cheating on you, then there's nothing much you can do about it. Ask her straight out if you are that concerned.

[joekim]

Ok, so I sent her a text and asked her if she was cheating on me.

Her reply back was this:

 

"what the hell is wrong with you? First you go through my things, and now you're accusing me of cheating on you? You know I'm saving myself, plus I already told you the condoms were my roomates. If you don't believe me, I have nothing else to say to you"

 

=(

[dramallama]

Ok, so I sent her a text and asked her if she was cheating on me.

Her reply back was this:

 

"what the hell is wrong with you? First you go through my things, and now you're accusing me of cheating on you? You know I'm saving myself, plus I already told you the condoms were my roomates. If you don't believe me, I have nothing else to say to you"

 

=(

I think that kind of thing would have better to ask over the phone... text is not for serious matters, unless you're already broken up. Perhaps a better thing to do would be to speak to her personally on the phone and tell her that you feel like she doesn't want to be with you because she is being distant. Tell her that in order for a LDR to work you two need to put the extra effort in to be in touch.

[joekim]

I think that kind of thing would have better to ask over the phone... text is not for serious matters, unless you're already broken up. Perhaps a better thing to do would be to speak to her personally on the phone and tell her that you feel like she doesn't want to be with you because she is being distant. Tell her that in order for a LDR to work you two need to put the extra effort in to be in touch.

 

Ok, so I finally got to talk to her on the phone yesterday. I told her that I it upsets me when she doesn't text back, and that she is being distant, and that I feel like she doesn't want to be with me.

 

She said that she already told me that she's busy with school, and that's it's super stressful, and I was being too needy. I didn't know what to say, so I asked her straight out if she even wanted to be with me, and she said, "not if you're going to act like this. You went through my stuff, you've accused me of cheating, and now you're just giving me more stress than I can handle. I told you I'm very busy with school, and can't talk to you every single minute." Then she said she had to go, I said fine and we ended the conversation.

 

What do I do now? I feel like I've been hit by a truck

[LoveMySon]

To me she sounds very defensive... From past experience, if she had nothing to hide she wouldn't be so defensive about it.

[dramallama]

How long does it really take to send you a message or respond? One minute? Less than one minute? LDR are hard and it sounds like she's putting more effort into excuses than into actually saying, "yeah, I know I haven't been responding to you but I will try to do so more often" THEN actually follow through. I also agree that she's being defensive and it's easier to put the blame on YOU to make you look like the bad guy. Just take her at her word and let her go because she's checked out of the relationship already and doesn't seem to want to work issues through.

[tresqua]

NEVER ask a suspected partner if he or she is cheating. They'll never admit it and all you've accomplished is now they know you're onto them if it's true, and if it's not you look like a paranoid clingy fool.

[siktomystomach]

I know the sick feeling of not having texts returned and all that...but the best thing you can do is give her distance...."be a man"(not saying you arent, saying it figuratively) and show her you have big enough balls to walk away from her at any time....trust me noone likes to play games, i know i sure as hell dont...but i have when ive had to...point is..if being affectionate isnt working and she's being pushed away from it, go to plan b....give her all the distance you can...either she'll dump you or start to wonder whats going on and miss you....either way, youll get a reaction from her and wont be drug along...

[joekim]

Hey guys, just wanted to update you guys with the situation. I really appreciate all the help you've given me.

 

So basically for the past 2 weeks I've been giving her all the space she needs, not texting her constantly and whatnot. Everytime she texted back, it just seemed like she was giving short, unresponsive answers. After 2 weeks of this, she called me up and said she wanted to see me. So I drove all the way there to talk to her.

 

She told me she was sorry that she's been so distant, and that she really missed me and everything. I started crying and said I missed her too. We hugged and started kissing, but then she pulled away and said she had something to get off her chest.

 

She ended up telling me that she had lost her virginity. I was devastated. She said she couldn't lie to me anymore and that she had to tell me because she wanted to restart our relationship on a clean slate. I asked, "so the condoms were yours?" and she said yes. I stormed out of there and drove home.

 

I haven't spoken to her since. I don't know what to do. I love her with all my heart and with all my might, but is this something I can ignore? Can I forgive her for this?

[tresqua]

You were with this girl for 4 YEARS. She cheated on you, she lied to you repeatedly, and she gave up her virginity to another guy.

 

It's not even the cheating that's the worst problem here, it's the fact that she has such low regard for you and the value of your long term relationship that she gave up what is arguably the most important part of herself to some other dude.

 

While I might say that in some circumstances a betrayed partner "might" be able to get past the cheating, this sure as Hell isn't one of them. It doesn't matter that you "love her with all your heart". If she felt the same... (you finish the sentence)