Too good friends with ex... :(

[tujna]

Ex and me were together for 4 months. It did not work out because he is notorious for not wanting a relationship or anything serious and broke it off when things went deeper. We were not friends before but I guess because of many reasons, compatibility between us, personalities, etc. we became such good friends during the last 6 months (4 months after the break-up). We go out together all the time and I mean all the time, every single day. Recently, I asked him where he stood on us and he is still firm in not wanting a relationship. I tried to reduce contact with him after this talk but his desire to be with me and contact me increased even more after this talk.

 

He would rather be with girls for one night and end it there. I don't think he has ever had a friendship like ours and neither have I. He knows I am upset if he is with someone else and, being afraid to lose me or something like that, he always tries to make it up. I love him as a friend, I would do anything for him. I know he cares for me a lot too. I love his company, we always talk a lot and just have a great time together. But, at the end, I still have feelings for him and is hard for me to let him go every night.

 

Now, I know everyone will say that he is just doing whatever he wants while keeping me on the backburner but I have to say he has not been in a more serious relationship in years and truly does not want to commit to anyone. Also, he is going to leave for a job soon, somewhere within the US but still, it will be nothing like hanging out together every night. This is another reason I feel completely unable to cut him off. I feel like our time together is ticking away and I want to enjoy as much of our time together as I can.

 

Advice anyone??

[dramallama]

"I don't want a relationship with anyone right now" = "I don't want a relationship with you. If a stunning woman came along who had it all and then some, I think it's safe to say that he would reconsider his statement.

 

Are you happy and truly content in just staying friends? Would you feel happy for him if he started dating another woman (it will happen eventually, sooner or later)? Do you have the expectation of changing his mind? If you couldn't be only a friend then you must be clear to him that you would appreciate if he left you alone so that you can move on to someone that DOES want a relationship. Not only has he already given you a trial run and decided that he didn't want to continue you it any further, but he's said that he doesn't want a relationship. So he's been pretty clear, if you ask me.

 

The only way for him to ever realise that he loves talking to you and being with you so much that he wants to be WITH you (with the label and everything), is if you take it all away. Right now you aren't letting him live with the consequence of breaking things off because he gets to have the benefits of being with you without needing to commit. I'm not saying that you should play games and disappear to see what his reaction is, but that is just how things work. Cut all contact so he can really see what life is like without you. Then if he wants to be with you - HE will make it happen and he will be clear about it. And if he isn't specifically asking to be in a relationship (so no more hanging out until then), then you will be on your way to healing.

[tujna]

Hi, drama, thank you so much for your response, I truly appreciate it. It is very powerful and it makes perfect sense. There are several problems, however, and I am afraid I don't know how to resolve them. First, ALL our friends are mutual. If I go out, he will be there. And, there is no way out of that - I will have to spend my time away from all my friends, or traveling, if I want to do that. Second, in a month he is traveling and will be away for about a month. Then, he is might spend another month or two around and then will be probably moving for another job (this is one of the reasons for him not wanting relationships to hold him back). So, my time with him is limited anyway. Third, every time I try to be more distant, he will just attack me with attention and, the way I am, so nice, I can never be cold to him.

 

So, this being said, do you still think I should try to be away (I mean giving the fact that he will be leaving soon)?

[dramallama]

You're welcome. I have been in the same position as you, so I know how it feels.

 

1. Mutual friends - that's ok, you can still do NC. If people with children can move on and heal, then there's no reason why you can't. People can only be in your life if you CHOOSE for them to be. Delete him from your facebook for one because it will be a major drag on you if you don't and it also ties in with him not living with the consequence of choosing not to be with you. If you find yourself checking his page, then block him. If your friends are true friends, they will understand if you request for them not to pass along messages or talk about your ex so that you can heal, and they also will be happy to hang out with you without him present, or you can arrange separate things.

 

2. Your ex leaving - I know that one month feels like FOREVER, but it really isn't. Even two or three months isn't long. He isn't your boyfriend anymore and he is allowed to go away if he needs to. It will give him time to think about what he wants. But why are you feeling so anxious about him going away? You have already lost him, so you can't feel anxious about losing him. He has already broken things off so let him live HIS life, and respectfully ask that he respect you and YOUR decision of what is best for you (healing and NC) so that you can move on to be with someone that does want to be with you. If he leaves your town forever, then so be it. That's his choice.

 

3. You being more distant - Like I said before, people can only be in your life if you let them. If he disrespects your request for space since he doesn't want to be with you with more attention, then it is HIM that is being disrespectful and cold. "But he is so nice to me. He wants to spend time with me and speak to me." Sorry, but that is the opposite of nice. A nice ex will leave you alone if they don't want to be with you. They will respect your boundaries so that you can heal, not keep one hand on you so that THEY get an ego boost out of it. I'm sure that you had your part in it too, but you must understand that attention/loving you/missing you, does not necessarily equal someone wanting to be WITH you, otherwise they would be.

 

Perhaps you pulling everything back and I mean everything - not just for a period of time to "test" him and see what happens - but forever, is just what he needs to see whether he wants to be with you. Because, by human nature, you can only miss something once it's gone. Whether he misses you AND wants to be with you in a relationship is another story - don't give in until he says that AND backs it up with action. And if at the end he isn't chasing after you for a relationship, at least you'll be on your way to being healed so that you can be with someone that is in a place to be in one and will NOT let you go because you are such catch, and they will be proud to call you their girlfriend.

 

You can be nice, but still have boundaries. Being "nice" is telling him that you respect his judgement and final decision not to be with you, but now you are politely but firmly asking HIM to respect you in the same way by leaving you alone so that you can heal. If he wants to be with you - he will move mountains to be with you again. There is no need to stay in touch or to give him a way of getting a hold of you, because he will bust your door down if that is what it takes.

 

However, you shouldn't pin your hopes that he will change his mind since he's already tried things out with you for 4 months, as well as saying that he doesn't want a relatonship. If he contacts you even after you've made it clear that you do not want to be in contact because you want to heal, then you can respond with (or pick up the phone with and say the following, if you are strong enough): "I've already told you that I didn't want to be in touch because I want to heal. I would appreciate if you respected that. Thank you." You can say that over and over until he gets it, but he may never get it - so silence will let him know that it's not on. Part of being an adult is being assertive and respectful of people (and making a request like that IS both of those), and worrying less about coming accross as "nice". Because usually "nice" means "doormat".