Feeling Used.

[Lavender25]

I really don't know if this should be in this forum but I didn't know where else to put it. I'm recently coming out of a relationship that lasted about 4 months. I was very much in love with my ex but, after some time and NC, I have accepted that we are not together anymore and that he is not in a point in his life where he can have and be successful at the kind of relationship that I want.

 

Unexpectedly, a guy that I talked to about 8 months ago has gotten into contact with me again. We went out a few times and did become physical with each other but it never developed into anything because he was more interested in his music, planning a tour, and basically just wasn't thinking "relationship" like I was. We fell out of touch and that was when I met my ex. About 3 months into the relationship, guy texts me and apologizes for being an ass and wants to see me. I was surprised to receive the text because I wasn't even thinking about him and told him that I'd found someone and that I was happy.

 

Well, once the relationship ended he got in touch with me again and said that he wanted to see me before he went on tour for the summer. I told him that I couldn't because of finals, my birthday, and the REAL reason was that I was devastated about the end of my relationship. So we didn't hang out before he left, but there was some texting back and forth. At first it was him and I wasn't responding to all of them. But after I had some time to heal I started to text him first asking how things were going, etc. Then he started talking about how much he'd missed me and wants to hang out when he comes back into town at the end of July. I was confused because I wasn't expecting for him to say he missed me and was very cautious as to what it was that he missed. I suggested we call instead of text or at least Skype so we could see each other and he was open to the idea and said he could Skype after shows.

 

So we Skyped last week and it was very pleasant. At first he was talking about how much he missed me and how he was looking forward to seeing me when he comes back and that with the way we were looking at each other on our laptops that it looked like we were laying next to each other. Then, things got sexual. I don't know who started it first because there was lots of flirting going on but it was mutual and pleasurable for the both of us. By then it was 3AM and he said he wanted to go to bed and talk tomorrow and so we signed off. Tomorrow comes and I don't hear from him. I text him the next day asking what happened and he said that he went hiking and left his phone in the room and that he was busy. I said "OK" and left it. Four days have gone by and I texted him this morning with a "Girls can get lonely too, ya know and still have not received a response.

 

I'm starting to feel stupid and used. I feel as if he missed the physical part of me and not REALLY me and that he got his fix and now he's off doing whatever until he needs another. I really wanted to believe everything he said to me and I thought he wasn't like this, but I can help feeling like I fell for his lines. I'm torn between wondering if I'm overreacting with my emotions and can't just go with the flow, or if he really did trick me.

 

Has anyone ever had anything like this happen to them? Did I do something wrong? Any advice?

[Ms Darcy]

Then, things got sexual. I don't know who started it first because there was lots of flirting going on but it was mutual and pleasurable for the both of us. By then it was 3AM and he said he wanted to go to bed and talk tomorrow and so we signed off.

 

Did I do something wrong? Any advice?

 

I think the problem Lavendar is that you go into interactions with men expecting far more than they are. He said he missed you and wanted to see you. You got on Skype so you could see each other. So now that he has seen you, he may be all done.

 

I don't think he used you because you chose to go there with him. I just think you had more expectations than him.

[Ariel85]

If you're having webcam masturbation sessions with guys you're not dating, you have to assume it's not going to go anywhere. When you show a guy only this side of you, he has no investment in learning more.

[Ms Darcy]

If you're having webcam masturbation sessions with guys you're not dating, you have to assume it's not going to go anywhere. When you show a guy only this side of you, he has no investment in learning more.

 

Well said.

[dramallama]

You were basically a booty call so of course you feel used. I think it would be better to find yourself again, instead of seeking validation from men, whether it's just sexual or you have expectations of more. I hope for your sake he didn't film the screen because you hardly know him.

[Lavender25]

I think the problem Lavendar is that you go into interactions with men expecting far more than they are. He said he missed you and wanted to see you. You got on Skype so you could see each other. So now that he has seen you, he may be all done.

 

I don't think he used you because you chose to go there with him. I just think you had more expectations than him.

 

But what is wrong with having expectations? I've tried going into things as casual as possible, but I do expect to be treated a certain way. I don't feel like he and I need to be speaking every day now or that we are an "item" because I know that we aren't and I'm not even sure I want that right now.

 

I guess one of the reasons I'm upset is that he was all on my ass and now he isn't anymore. I don't know if "used" is the right word, because I wanted it too. I guess I just feel lied to because when I asked what he missed he said that he liked being around me and felt good around me and that I'd left an impression and he was drawn to it. Guess I know what he was really drawn to, huh?

 

If he ever tried to get in touch again, do I ignore him completely? Do I ignore what happened and how I feel or do I address it?

[Lavender25]

If you're having webcam masturbation sessions with guys you're not dating, you have to assume it's not going to go anywhere. When you show a guy only this side of you, he has no investment in learning more.

 

True. It's not as if we just met because we did work together and went out for a while. But I guess if I wanted something more, I shouldn't have moved so fast. I am slightly worried about him thinking less of me now.

[Ariel85]

True. It's not as if we just met because we did work together and went out for a while. But I guess if I wanted something more, I shouldn't have moved so fast. I am slightly worried about him thinking less of me now.

 

I wouldn't put more thought towards him. You know what he's interested in.

 

Thing is, you thought less of yourself in that moment. If you felt comfy with what you did, then you wouldn't feel "used" right now. Which means you had the webcam sex hoping it would lead to something more.

 

Just work on your boundaries for future dates. If you want to jump into bed/sex with a guy early on with no commitment or without dating - then do so, but own it, and that means you don't feel "used" when you never hear from him again. But, if you're doing these things in order to hook a guy or appear accommodating, then not respecting your own boundaries will always backfire.

[dramallama]

I think it would be worth it to spend time on your own without dating or having sexual relationships with guys. Otherwise it's just a way to boost your self esteem and validate that you are desirable, but then you end up feeling used because you expect more. Jumping into a relationship or sex straight away is an avoidance tactic to avoid dealing with the break up.

[Lavender25]

I wouldn't put more thought towards him. You know what he's interested in.

 

Thing is, you thought less of yourself in that moment. If you felt comfy with what you did, then you wouldn't feel "used" right now. Which means you had the webcam sex hoping it would lead to something more.

 

Just work on your boundaries for future dates. If you want to jump into bed/sex with a guy early on with no commitment or without dating - then do so, but own it, and that means you don't feel "used" when you never hear from him again. But, if you're doing these things in order to hook a guy or appear accommodating, then not respecting your own boundaries will always backfire.

 

Maybe the confusion and frustration that I feel is that I don't really know what I want right now? I mean, I used to be the girl that would never get physical with someone unless I was in love with them. That worked out great for my first relationship, but after that ended horribly it's been a mix of short term relationships, a couple one night stands, and now this. I know that what I ultimately want is a long-term relationship with someone that loves and respects me and wants the same things as I do. But there we go again, getting into expectations. If I go into everything expecting that, won't I always wind up disappointed? None of the men I'm meeting share the same vision as I do, obviously, because I keep winding up here. I feel like I must be doing something wrong but I can't figure out what it is and I get so frustrated because I think I'm very deserving of the relationship that I want.

[dramallama]

It's fine to have expectations, but personally, I don't think you're even in a place emotionally to be considering a relationship/dating right now. And if you feel used after basically having the online equivalent of a one night stand, then it would be wise to avoid that too.

[Lavender25]

I think it would be worth it to spend time on your own without dating or having sexual relationships with guys. Otherwise it's just a way to boost your self esteem and validate that you are desirable, but then you end up feeling used because you expect more. Jumping into a relationship or sex straight away is an avoidance tactic to avoid dealing with the break up.

 

Deal with the break up how? There isn't anything else I can do about it. I didn't do anything wrong in that relationship other than get involved with someone that wasn't emotionally ready to be in the kind of relationship that I wanted OR just didn't want to be in one with me. OK. Fine. There it is. So I need to put myself on hold to "heal" because of it? Heal how? I don't cry anymore about it. I'm not sad all the time. I miss him, sure, but this was HIS decision, not mine. It almost feels like a dream now. Like it never happened. True, jumping into another RELATIONSHIP isn't the best idea but I don't see why dating is a bad idea. I don't see why I have to put my life on hold just because someone I was in love with told me that they didn't love me back.

[dramallama]

Ok, well, if you feel that you are 100% healed after only four weeks and have no feelings for him, and accept his decision with no hard feelings AND could get into another relationship with a clean slate, and that you are emotionally healthy then go right ahead and start dating. I feel that you are as far from being fully healed and neutral about the break up as you could be, just from an outsider's perspective, but that's just me.

[Lavender25]

Ok, well, if you feel that you are 100% healed after only four weeks and have no feelings for him, and accept his decision with no hard feelings AND could get into another relationship with a clean slate, and that you are emotionally healthy then go right ahead and start dating. I feel that you are as far from being fully healed and neutral about the break up as you could be, just from an outsider's perspective, but that's just me.

 

I don't think it's possible to get to the point where I will have no feelings for him. But I have accepted his decision, and I don't have any hard feelings. If the reasons he broke up with me were true, then he did it because he didn't love me and didn't see a future with me. Hurt? Of course. But what can I do about that? Everyone else in LT relationships that come to this forum go through the period where they try to figure out what it is that they did wrong, how to work on it and improve themselves, grow, etc. I didn't do anything wrong. I know that sounds hard to believe and I do question it at times, but I honestly believe that this was ALL HIM and nothing to do with me. The only mistake I made was falling for someone that wasn't ready for the kind of relationship that I wanted or didn't want it with me.

 

I've mourned. I've grieved. I still miss him, though not as much. But I'm never going to see or speak to this person again. This person is dead. I need to move on with my life and not spend all of my time in some kind of "period out of respect for the relationship" or whatever.

[1m50L0nl3y]

How did he use you? Just because he saw you doing something on webcam, that YOU probably enjoyed and agreed to do doesnt mean he used you. The only thing he got out of it was visual stimulation, just as you did. He didnt even touch girl. Unless you and him had an agreement that after some cyber sex you two would end up married or he was supposed to become your boyfriend, I dont see how he used you. It was a win win situation for both. You deceived your own self.

[dramallama]

I'm not saying that you need to take time necessarily out of the respect for the relationship at all. It's for YOU, and so that you're next relationship has the best chance of succeeding. I think that whether you realise it or not there IS a lot of hate towards your ex and I don't think that's a healthy thing to bring into the next relationship until that has gone away and you've dealt with it. Your healing doesn't even have anything to do with your ex, but since you drew that line between the two, that's even more reason to find yourself again, instead of seeking validation from men. You lose yourself in a relationship so what is wrong with taking a breather?

[Lavender25]

How did he use you? Just because he saw you doing something on webcam, that YOU probably enjoyed and agreed to do doesnt mean he used you. The only thing he got out of it was visual stimulation, just as you did. He didnt even touch girl. Unless you and him had an agreement that after some cyber sex you two would end up married or he was supposed to become your boyfriend, I dont see how he used you. It was a win win situation for both. You deceived your own self.

 

I had those same thoughts, too. I didn't expect marriage or anything, as you suggest. However, he did want to keep in touch all summer and he was sending me pictures of the places he was saying how he wished I was there with him to see it and the like. I don't know if or where all of this was going to lead other than us getting to "hang out" at the end of July when he came back, but I did expect for the contact to continue after the "Skype Encounter." When the contact stopped, it did hurt.

[Lavender25]

I'm not saying that you need to take time necessarily out of the respect for the relationship at all. It's for YOU, and so that you're next relationship has the best chance of succeeding. I think that whether you realise it or not there IS a lot of hate towards your ex and I don't think that's a healthy thing to bring into the next relationship until that has gone away and you've dealt with it. Your healing doesn't even have anything to do with your ex, but since you drew that line between the two, that's even more reason to find yourself again, instead of seeking validation from men. You lose yourself in a relationship so what is wrong with taking a breather?

 

Hate for my ex where? I haven't even been able to get angry about it.

 

I agree that a breather isn't a bad thing, but that's what I'm doing right now. I'm not getting into a relationship tomorrow and it's probably not something that's going to happen for a while even though it IS what I want.

[dramallama]

I feel that there probably underlying bitterness (which is understandable, and a natural part of grief) because you drew the line between me suggesting that you give dating a rest and honouring him and the relationship. But it's not even about him, it's about you and your healing. Going through the emotions piece by piece.

 

I'm glad to hear that you won't be getting into a relationship anytime soon. I think it would be better to give all guys a miss for a while too. IMO

[1m50L0nl3y]

It hurts.

But take this as a test You did to him. If his ego got that big for an skype session, imagine if you actually sleep with him...

Now you know he isnt the one to trust. And thank him for showing his true colors before you got deeper. He saved you a complete month of being in front of your pc waiting for some loser. If I were you I would dump him out of my life before he would persuade me into sleeping with him and make me feel worse..

But thats just me, I feel empowered when I dump useless people out of my life , its like "hey you dont talk to me because I dont want, because I decided that you wont ever find me again, good luck you will need it".

[Lavender25]

I feel that there probably underlying bitterness (which is understandable, and a natural part of grief) because you drew the line between me suggesting that you give dating a rest and honouring him and the relationship. But it's not even about him, it's about you and your healing. Going through the emotions piece by piece.

 

I'm glad to hear that you won't be getting into a relationship anytime soon. I think it would be better to give all guys a miss for a while too. IMO

 

I should clarify that when I said I wouldn't get into a relationship for a while that it wasn't necessarily a conscious choice. I just mean that it's going to be that long before I meet someone that I will actually WANT to be in a relationship with. Pickings are slim out here.

 

Now, back to the original thread: This guy is a playa, right? There isn't any benefit of the doubt that I can give him? Don't contact and don't respond to his contact even when he comes back into town and wants to see me?

[dramallama]

I don't think he's necessarily a player. Opportunistic perhaps. You gave him what he wanted so there isn't any reason for him to pursue things any longer.

[Blue Spiral]

If you're having webcam masturbation sessions with guys you're not dating, you have to assume it's not going to go anywhere. When you show a guy only this side of you, he has no investment in learning more.

 

For traditional, "sex is vaguely dirty" guys, yeah. For the rest of us, I'd definitely like to learn more about a woman after that, as opposed to the lack of interest I feel after sitting in a restaurant with someone and hearing about her friends and family and drama and exes and blah blah blah...

[Ms Darcy]

There is nothing wrong with expectations except for two things. But what kind of expectations? You didn't ask him to contact you after that? There were no expectations communicated - you just made a lot of assumptions.

 

 

 

I think the whole "I deserve my perfect relationship" mindset is problematic. Do we do this for jobs or parents or anything really? Nope, just relationships. I wonder why.

[Lavender25]

For traditional, "sex is vaguely dirty" guys, yeah. For the rest of us, I'd definitely like to learn more about a woman after that, as opposed to the lack of interest I feel after sitting in a restaurant with someone and hearing about her friends and family and drama and exes and blah blah blah...

 

Don't think he is a "sex is dirty" guy, but It's been a week and I haven't heard a word. The time that we slept together kinda turned out like this, too. I didn't feel so vulnerable then, though, because I had other prospects. That was back in December and then he started texting at the end of January and into February.

 

I've heard rumors about guys that lose interest immediately after ejaculation, but I had yet to meet one. Looks like I've found Bigfoot.