even more confused

[sweetharmony]

Hey just an update to this thread

 

So I sent him an email Thurs night- I waited 5 days to give it space. I wrote

 

"Hey,

 

I am really sorry about what happened Saturday night and re: us. I do care and I am sad about what transpired and would like to meet to talk. I feel we have a good connection on many levels even though a short month. I don't wish to get into it all in an e-mail so I hope you agree If not, I wish you peace and happiness.

xo sweetharmony"

 

He responded within a few hours and said "Hi sweetharmony, I appreciate you writing to apologize. Why don't we talk over the phone soon. Tomorrow should work for me. Hope you're well."

 

We tent made plans to speak Friday eve at 11 pm but he wrote at 11 "Hi. In bed and wiped. Hope you had a nice week. Will be at home all weekend. So call anytime."

 

I texted him instead of email and wrote: "Hey just got home and got your email. I am wiped too. talk tomorrow?"

 

He replied "surely. sweet dreams"

 

I called at noon yesterday (the day after) and he answered right away and he was on his way to his parents. We spoke briefly-chit chat for a couple of minutes, he asked me about week. I told him I had a cold not feeling well and he said I can hear you sound a congested and told me he was stressed working 15 hour days since colleague quit. He then said, I am now at parents can I call you at 3 or 4? Will you be around? I said, "sure, gonna stay home since I'm not feeling well."

 

He never called or texted. He logged into dating site.

 

Should I just be done? tables turned. Is he trying to get me to do the work and call him/chase him or and is just hesitant? or does he want me to just leave him alone? Normally, I would move on after only one month, but we really connected on so many levels- I'm usually intuitive about these thibngs and I feel like I kept him at arms length, he wanted to commit after only one month and he got scared b/c he seemed way more into me than I into him. However, just that Saturday I started to feel connected in wanting a commitment.

[sweetharmony]

anyone have any advice? I am so sad. I take full responsibility for not committing to him...but I was getting there. I am just really sad about this whole thing. I got scared. Yes, my ambivalence he sensed for sure as he was completely go and I was red... The night I saw him I almost told him I was ready to move forward b/c I started developing feelings. All signs were good I continually looked forward to seeing him and I was starting to feel crazy about him, but I wasn't ready to commit. I'm not only feeling this way b/c he disappeared. I actually started feeling really grateful that I met someone I connect with really well and I like what I see in the future. But I wanted to give it time before commnitting so soon. This is the advice I get....sow it down...don't commit so quickly..I don't know if he's waiting for me to pursue him and show him I'm all in...or he's just tired of it. please advise

[dramallama]

I think it was fair of you not to commit if you didn't feel ready. I guess he was feeling rejected, which is fair enough. But I think the fact that you have been the one initiating contact and he said he was going to call but didn't is telling you that he isn't interested in working things out. Stop chasing after him because you've done that enough. The ball is in his court and you didn't do anything majorly wrong. I think he was feeling rejected and then took it out on you and now he doesn't want to resolve the situation. Nothing much you can do.

[sweetharmony]

Thanks for words. I am at a loss. I'm not so angry at him, but rather myself for pushing away what I really wanted. I really want to get married and have a family and I take responsibility that I was evasive for fear of being hurt and also b/c it seemed to good to be. I don't think he was asking for commitment but rather not date others as we were intimate.

 

I tried to slow it down and date others so I wouldn't become attached. In fact, most of the time I don't get too physical early, but I threw all caution to the wind b/c I felt a sense of trust. spending night at his apt. so early thinking I wouldn't get attached. Then playing like I don't care or not wanting a relationship-acting ambivalent, dating others so he would chase me and eventually pass the test. I usually don't get attached until month 3 or 4. I thought I was not getting attached, trying not to until it felt safe. A month is so short and I feel silly even getting attached so quickly. A month is nothing...but honestly I look at it...everything was fine, except me repeating same avasive patterns to push guy away b/c I feel like he'll eventually leave until he actually does go away.

[dramallama]

I don't think you were all that bad. It's not a crime to want to take things slow. He comes accross as a bit of a baby - having a tantrum. It's ok for him to feel rejected, but come on, get over it. As you said it was only a month, and he should have respected your want to take things slow, even if you were contradicting by wanting to take things further sexually. You've laid it all out and he doesn't want to talk. It's not a good start to a relationship anyway. You're better off finding someone willing to communicate.

[sweetharmony]

duplicate duplicate

[sweetharmony]

thanks. I feel a little better now. he asked me after only two weeks about exclusivity, and I said "I really like where we're going but I'm not ready. I will at least by two months-because I don't want to be exclusive yet and have that get in the way, but at 2 1/2 weeks, I want to take it slow and avoid jumping in." He said he was uncomfortable with that and he wasn't sure how he felt and thought that being exclusive was the only way to give something a real chance rather than the short-term excitement of getting a new email from someone. I agreed with him, but said I wasn't at that point and was unsure and ambivalent but I saw potential and let's give it time. but i wanted to be hobnest that I wasn't at the point he was at yet"

 

I wasn't actively looking on the site, but it's just one of the things people have when they're getting to know someone and to avoid throwing eggs in one basket. it's protective for me. I've taken it off in the past, or changed Facebook relationship status only to have all that die immediately after, and left feeling like a fool. but he's sensitive and I get that it's only respectful to have not committed but to atleast only date him in order to give 100% focus rather than dilute getting to know him. I was getting to that point...I just needed a few more darn weeks!

 

So the very next day, he literally updated his profile, added new pics and changed a little what he wrote. I actually hadn't seen that until 4 days later when I logged in...but it shows the date you update and log in. I thought that was a bit passive aggressive rather than just being patient. yeah, maybe I was testing him to see if he'd wait for me...be patient, but heck...

 

BUT, I wasn't going to say anything about his updating, b/c I didn't want to react and be hypocritical and he was free to do whatever he chose. I kept my profile up, but wasn't actively looking. I did go on two bad dates which reconfirmed my feelings toward him and after 3 1/2 weeks started to feel more closer and committed. I thought this was good and natural. I was actually planning to take my profile down within a few more weeks when I knew we were more steady and it felt more safe and real.

 

My friend also said the same thing.."probably a good thing, you don't want someone who doesn't know how to communicate." I always acknowledge my part and sometimes take 100% of it blaming myself. I don't know...I admit i was game-playing and testing a bit too much, btu I've read too many dating books which tell you to do these things like "The Rules" you know, be mysterious, don't commit quickly, let a guy chase you for a bit, don't have sex too early, make him crazy about you." i know nit's only guidelines mostly to protect yourself and I don't know any other way of being at the beginning!

[dramallama]

You did nothing wrong. What you did was fair. Let him be a baby about it and stop chasing after him. There will be someone else that you will connect with AND will be able to communicate with you, instead of shutting down at the most insignificant things. It's ok if he feels rejected, but really, he should have respected that you didn't want to rush in.