marks on my arm...

[BigCityGirl]

So I am in a somewhat new relationship ( a month long). We are a lesbian couple, and she generally leans toward the more masculine end of things. She is from another country, which is generally quite patriarchal, in that men have a lot of power (middle-east). And has recently immigrated here....Theres definitely a cultural piece to this. Anyways, she seems to be a bit on the controlling end of the spectrum, and takes the more dominant role, and feels thats her place. Last week, I was going to visit a friend that lives out of town, who is a female, and it would require me to spend the night. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend basically flat out say no, it was inappropriate, and she would not have it. I was upset and didn't go, but We broke up the next day, but, somehow, got back together. Then this week we went to this lesbian event. I got really drunk, and ended up dancing with another girl. It didn't last long because my girlfriend came over grabbed my arm and ripped me away while yelling at me. She went to break up with me today, and we talked, and I apologized, and I rpomised her I'd never drink again. While sitting there, i was looking at my arm, which had really werid marks. Together we were trying to figure it out, because it wasn't scratches, but was red swolleen and a little bit bruised. She said I must have walked into a tree. and then it kinda clicked, i said, did you grab me last night, and shes like yeh, I probably did. and she put her hand on my arm, in the exact position to which the marks were. Her response was, you deserved it. I didn't say anything. I was a little bit surprised.

 

No one has ever put their hands on me like that. No one has ever left a mark on my body. Despite my behaviour, I feel like....grabbing me to the extent that I have marks on my arm, may not be okay.-- a warning sign perhaps?

 

Advice?

[metrogirl]

Advice??

 

Leave the relationship. Marks now, bruises and black eyes later.

 

Did she really say you deserved it? She deserves to be single.

[mouseno4]

Wow. This is a first. I have never heard of a women causing physical harm to another. She must have really held onto your arm really tight to leave marks.

 

Oh and... nobody 'deserves' to be harmed.

[agent1607307371]

Her response was, you deserved it.

 

But you know it's unacceptable. Don't make excuses for her.

 

Does she say what you can or can't do a lot?

[nutbrownhare]

If this was a heterosexual woman whose male partner had behaved like this, what would your response to that be?

 

Your partner is showing many signs of the abuser: being controlling, possessive and now, being physically abusive. Get out of this relationship as soon as you can or it is likely to really damage you.

[BigCityGirl]

But you know it's unacceptable. Don't make excuses for her.

 

Does she say what you can or can't do a lot?

 

Yes. Issues have come up before about her being controlling and possessive. Although, I'm usually more then happy to give into her wishes.

 

I guess one other thing that happen, was the first time we had sex...I mean, I wanted it, but at the same time, I wasn't ready--nervous I guess, and I didn't want to rush into things. We were in her bed kissing, and she just kept forcing herself on me. She wouldn't take no for an answer, and she kept forcing her hands in my clothing, when i repeatedly tried to stop her, and then eventually just let her. We've had sex since, which was amazing--and I have been comfortable with her. But, I guess that first time, is still, in my mind.

[RedDress]

A normal response to "you hurt me" is "OMG, I'm so sorry!" followed by "I didn't mean to" or "are you ok"? NOT "you deserved it".

 

I think the tendency in these situations is to forgive. I mean... stuff happens and sometimes you just grab someone harder than you meant to, etc. But for her to react that way? Scary.

 

I agree that this is a gigantic red flag and that you should walk away from this situation. Especially given your follow-up post. This doesn't sound like it will be a healthy relationship...

[agent1607307371]

 

I guess one other thing that happen, was the first time we had sex...I mean, I wanted it, but at the same time, I wasn't ready--nervous I guess, and I didn't want to rush into things. We were in her bed kissing, and she just kept forcing herself on me. She wouldn't take no for an answer, and she kept forcing her hands in my clothing, when i repeatedly tried to stop her, and then eventually just let her.

 

Ok, imagine a straight girl posted this to the board.

 

This was a rape, and she is not a good person for you to be involved with. Cultural differences do not excuse physical harm or controlling and possessive behaviour.

 

I get that you want a more dominant/masculine partner, but this is not dominance, it's just bad.

 

Seriously, it's been a month. She's forced you into sex, stopped you seeing friends, made a scene in a public place and physically marked you. Run, don't walk, from this woman.

[chitown9]

You need to get out of this relationship NOW!

[annie24]

she is abusive. run away before you get a black eye or some missing teeth. love shouldn't hurt.

[BigCityGirl]

Thanks everyone. I think I just needed some validation that my feelings were right about this.

[TomboyMS]

Make sure you are in a safe place when you give her the news. She probably won't take it well.