Long first post - She's every mans dream. But it hasn't felt right for a whil

[Celtic Saint]

Hello people. Please help me out if you have the time.

 

I have become a member of this forum as I have a lot of things to get straight in my head, and a lot of thinking to do. I figured that it would be beneficial if I were to become part of a group of people who know a lot more about relationships than I do. And to listen to advice. I also need to express some stuff that's inside of me and believe that this may be a safe place to do so. OK, here goes. I apologize for the very long post, but I have been keeping this to myself for a long time now.

 

I am 44, my gf is 32, and we have been living together for 7 years. In fact we were living together from the very first day that we met, as we were in shared student accommodation. I returned to college and obtained a degree whilst in my 30's. after being made redundant. I had had a number of relationships prior to meeting my gf. And had lived with these ladies. It goes without saying that none of them worked out. I have never married, although I do have a beautiful 17 year old daughter, who is simply wonderful. My gf however has never really had a proper relationship and I am the 1st person that she has lived with.

 

The age difference did not initially matter to me. I was very much attracted to her, and sexually we were very active. I believe that this is generally the case in any new relationship, when everything is new and exciting. I must mention something that is rather personal now. I had suffered from performance anxiety with a number of my previous gf's and had found it impossible to become aroused for the first 3-4 attempts at lovemaking. However, the issue always resolved itself as my confidence grew and I was always able to perform after that initial few times. With no reoccurrence of the problem. I experienced the issue with my current gf, but unlike before, the problem did not go away and I remained impotent. This was very surprising as my gf is very attractive. She's Spanish, a size 8. Long black hair and very very pretty. In fact she is very 'doll' like with tiny features. She's almost too pretty, it that makes sense.

 

I went to the doctor and he prescribed Viagra for me. It worked. However, I said nothing to her and I found that for the VAST majority of our lovemaking I needed to take Viagra beforehand to become aroused. Something has never 'felt' right between us. I just cannot put my finger on it, but I have never felt very relaxed or comfortable with her, in a sexual sense. This has been a constant problem for me, because on the one hand I can see that she is very pretty, and that 99.9% of men would think that I must be insane not to be really in to her!!! And yet on the other I work with women who are not anywhere near as pretty, and yet I am really attracted to them!!! They make me hot under the collar and I find myself fantasizing about them.

 

My gf says that she is a very independent person and to be honest we spend very little time with each other. We return home after work, cook and eat our meal, and then she will be in the bedroom by 7pm, get in to her pajamas, and remain in there for the rest of the evening. Only coming out to make a cup of tea or use the toilet. She stays there listening to her music, watching a film or on the net. This did not worry me as I am also independently minded and have ben in relationships in the past where I have felt quite stifled. In a way I also enjoy the 'freedom' and I can get on with things that I like. She has always been this way. When we first talked about getting a place together she even wanted us to have separate bedrooms??!! I told her that that was not something that I wanted.

 

My gf is not in the slightest bit 'domestic'. Please don't get me wrong, The last thing I want is a replacement mother who cooks and cleans for me. However, I find that in the relationship I do 95% of the cooking. I dust, buy the groceries, I load the washing machine, I hang it to dry. Pick it off the line. I keep the rooms tidy and generally pick up magazines/tidy tables etc etc etc. She has no interest in any of these things and has admitted as much. I sometimes feel that she lives the life of someone who permanently lives in a hotel!!! She works hard at her work, but here at home she detests doing anything. Luckily I enjoy cooking etc, or else we'd be eating pasta every day. I also enjoy to live in a tidy flat. In fact clutter makes me nervous.

 

To cut a very long story short, I realized about 3 years ago that I really did not love her and living together was not doing me any good at all. Emotionally/mentally/physically I was becoming sick. I have always been a very weak man when it comes to making big decisions for myself, however, I took a deep breath and told her that the relationship was over. She became very emotional and stupidly, I agreed to giving it another go. We moved to new accommodation, and 3 years on we are still together. The problem is that I know that I am not in love with her, and to be honest I am totally unable to get aroused sexually with her. I try to avoid sex if I can. I still cannot understand how I CANNOT find her attractive however, as she quite clearly is a very pretty girl. She just does not 'do it' for me?? We have nothing in common. Different ages, different nationalities, different interests, different outlooks (I am Positive/ she is negative). I like the countryside, and she cannot stand it!! etc etc etc I like cats, she hates them etc etc etc You get the picture. Just chalk and cheese.

 

I am ashamed to say that I am not particularly affectionate to her anymore. I feel no desire to give her a cuddle or a kiss. I feel like a POS to be honest, for not being more loving, but I just do not feel that way inclined towards her. She on the other hand is always kissing/cuddling me, literally 10 times a day she'll tell me that she loves me. Constantly telling me that she finds me attractive. Squeezing my ass etc. It just embarrasses me if I am honest and I don't know how to reply to it. I long to be affectionate to a lady, but I just cannot bring myself to do so with my gf. There is a huge block between that I cannot get over.

 

I feel that we are 2 people living in a flat, who have a relationship where there is a little bit of sex once every now and then. This is a terrible situation, and I know that I HAVE TO GROW A SET OF BALLS and end this. And yet I just do not seem to be able to do it.

 

I just don't see her as a woman. I see her as a petite and pretty girl.

 

Anything you say I will read with interest. I know that I am going to be blasted by many people who will call me a pathetic wimp. So be it. My life has always been ruled by fears and insecurities. I am so much better now, and a generally happy man. But I just CANNOT seem to end this for both of our sakes. She deserves to be with a man who will shower her with affection and show her a good time in bed. I deserve to be with a woman that I have a connection with and love.

 

Kind Regards, and thank you for your time.

CS

[Silverbirch]

Hi Celtic,

There were a few things you wrote which did stand out to me.

 

Firstly, you said that in the beginning, the sex was good despite the impotence.

 

You said also that she hadn't been in a relationship before and I wondered if that also meant that she was/is sexually inexperienced, especially in being able to help a man get past the type of sexual issues you refer to. With your references to her as a pretty girl, but that you don't see her as a woman, I'm wondering if this has something to do with it.

 

I'm not saying that you should stay with her by any means, but it does sound that relying on the Viagra and not having open honest communication about the sexual issues has played a part in your inabilit to sustain an emotional connection with her.

[Celtic Saint]

Hi, and many thaks for your reply.

 

Yes, in the beginning when I had been prescribed the Viagra, and I was able to have sex, and (I imagine) because the relationship was new and exciting, we were very sexually active. I am not sure if she was sexually inexperienced. She had had boyfriends before, but has always maintained that she only had intercourse with one of them. In fact thinking back she was far more promiscuous then. Of course I was quite overwhelmed. A 36 year old man, suddenly finding himself with a 24 year old Spanish girl!!

 

With regards to her 'womanhood', I guess I had always been used to the previous woman that I have lived with taking a very active (indeed dominant) role, in the running of the household. The kitchen was their domain! and I was deterred from entering it! The previous women had always taken care of the 'traditional' roles. They did the cooking. Let me put it this was. Last year my gf spilt something on the bedroom carpet. I noticed it and... just to see what would happen, I did not clean it up. 4 weeks later I asked her if she was going to clean up the mess. She refused to do it. A couple of weeks passed and the stain was still there. After a bit of an argument (after I mentioned it again) she cleaned it up in quite a bad mood.

 

She is the type of person who (according to her) does not see dirt or dust etc. She does mop the kitchen floor occasionally, puts some detol in the toilet, and she will do the dishes. But with regards to the general cleanliness of the place nothing.

 

I talk to women in my place of work, and feel that I have had an adult conversation with someone who has a personality and who has opinions/beliefs etc. I have never really talked to my gf about anything!

 

You are correct 100% that relying on viagra was a bad decision. My problems with erectile disfunction was something telling me very early on that ''She is not the one for you mate''!

[twentiesgirl86]

I have no relationship experience, but I am thinking that it's best just to end things. You don't want to stay with someone you're unhappy with just because they are beautiful, and the fact that she doesn't want you to leave. It seems like a relationship that's only based on shallow reasons to be honest. But this is how cheating happens sometimes. A person is unsatisfied in a relationship, so they find satisfaction elsewhere. You've stated there are many women you seem to want. It's better to end this now before you do something you'll regret. I'm only saying the last part because I know a girl who it happened to. She didn't want to end things with her boyfriend because he would beg her to stay, he would tell her he loved her and that he couldn't live without her, so she stayed. She was unhappy with him because he was clingy, she wasn't satified sexually, she was stressed out by him all the time. And then she met this guy that she fell for hard, and so she tried to leave her boyfriend again for him but he guilt tripped her. So she gave him one more chance, and figured her sexual desire for the other man was nothing. However, she kept seeing him around and he wanted her too, and she ended up cheating her boyfriend with him. It was kind of my fault in a way, he was a friend of mine and I kept bringing them together, but I didn't know they were sexually attracted to each other. And I didn't know until later that she was unhappy with her boyfriend. This was two years ago, and she ended up leaving the guy for the one she was sexually attracted to and they are still together and very happy. She says it still feels like a new relationship and she never had that with anyone else. She's always felt guilty though for cheating because she says it isn't something she thought she'd ever do.

So that's why I am thinking maybe you should just end it now before you do something you thought you'd never do. She never once believed she could cheat on someone, and she always tells me now that she hasn't forgiven herself for not ending it instead. She said she shouldn't have let him let her feel guilty for staying.

[superfox]

She sounds pretty immature - despite her working and this looks like she could be your daughter instead of your lover! The going off to 'her' room to listen to music, not doing her 'chores' etc! Maybe it's the age gap or maybe she just needs to grow up, it's all well and good playing house but she isn't even playing it. Just expecting you to do everything.

 

She could be the most beautiful woman on Earth but if the chemistry isn't there..