Focusing on yourself

[NCforME]

I wanted to get some opinions on this. I've been reading a lot of posts lately that say you need to focus on yourself and not worry about what our ex or anyone else is doing. I think this is great in the initial stages. I think it was TT who said you should become your own best support system. This is in fact what we need to heal. But, after sometime this focus on yourself becomes a negative in my opinion. If you continue to think that you need to do things only for yourself you risk becoming self involved person. At some point you do need to learn how to deal with others in a relationship. I wonder why sometime this isn't discussed more on here. Instead majority of the talk is self centered, which yes in the beginning is needed but I think at some point evolution is needed. You can't always think of yourself or you'll never learn the dynamic of what just happened to you. So I'm wondering what some others think on this. Especially those who are more than few months out. Its always been my feeling that its more important to focus on others. When you focus on others you will notice they often in turn make you a focus.

[endy]

I don't think learning in any aspect is a negative, but NC... I think you always need to put yourself first. Always go back to yourself and make sure you are ok. The only time you can really truly love someone else is when you love yourself first and foremost bud. I don't think it's a bad thing to focus on others when you truly love yourself, but it can't be obsessively. They call it "falling" in love for a reason. You are falling, and you are addicted. It creates attachment, and attachment is never a good thing. It creates a knot internally. Think about that. When you fall in love you think about nothing else. You can't function properly. Same as when you are abandoned.

 

I see no problem with learning how to focus and deal with relationships more. There's a separate thread area specifically for that. I haven't read it, because I still need to be ok with myself first and foremost. I'm pretty much there now, but I still have more work to do. Working on yourself is never a negative. It's actually completely necessary IMO to become a better stronger person. If you don't know yourself, you're not going to truly know or understand someone else.

 

So no I don't think focus on your self and knowing yourself is a negative. Anything done obsessively obviously would be a negative. From what I've found, you won't know how to deal with someone else in a relationship until you fix you and learn how to act in a relationship. Dealing with someone else in a relationship at that point should come somewhat natural. And if it's not what you want, or you know you deserve better you leave.

 

Paying attention to yourself, looking within to me is something that I do daily. I do not believe it to be obsessive. I am aware of my emotions and what causes them. I am aware of myself daily. I am aware of life around me. In that way I am more alive than I have ever been. To be this way in a relationship would benefit the relationship greatly. Why? Because I'm going to be aware of the other person. I'm going to look deeply into them. I'm going to want and get a knowing and understanding of loving them the most deepest way that I can. I'm going to have compassion because I understand when they are suffering. I'm going to have understanding, insight, and then true love because of this. If I was unable to go back to myself I would not be capable of this. That's all just buddhism teaching.

 

If we don't know ourselves, if we don't attend to our suffering first and foremost we are not going to love ourselves the right way. We will not be able to love someone else the right way either. So no, focusing on ourselves is not a negative ever. It's the most important thing we can do actually IMO.

 

Buddhism isn't the only thing that preaches that. A lot of wise people have once said "Know Thyself"

 

That wisdom is there for a reason. You need to know yourself before you can truly know and love someone else. So in all ways, it's very important to always know yourself and be aware of what is going on inside of you. Only then are you going to be able to truly know, or get to know someone else. Hopefully the other person knows themselves very well also.

[He2Him]

You misunderstood the concept of focusing on yourself. This can be applied to post-break up stage too, but it's core of self-improvement.

 

The reason behind focusing on yourself is this. When you break up and feel down or depressed, chances are that your world was build around the other person. Which is wrong way of doing it. So you start focusing on yourself. You get your act together, build your own world, solve you problems - financial, health, psychological, relationships etc. When your world is built and there's no major issue to work on, (here's the evolution switch) you will naturally expand your area of interest to people around you, you will care for them (because you already took care of yourself), you will ask them how they feel today (because you already took care of feeling great today), you will be more generous and charismatic. That's the part where you deal with others. But only after you have sorted your whole life for yourself. Others will notice this and you must not slip back to focusing on someone else. You're ALWAYS the center of your life. ALWAYS.

 

Mistake a lot of people in the world and here on forums do is that they have some issue and they think that finding bf/gf and jumping into RELATIONSHIP with them will SOLVE that issue. But it won't. They are mess in some way and they don't deal with it. They shift their focus on something more pleasant instead. Because they are afraid to take responsibility and take care of their issues.

[catfeeder]

Self healing evolves into having more to give someone else later, and from a more solid place from which to make (and trust) your own decisions.

 

Think of the airplane oxygen analogy. "When the mask falls, apply your own first, then you'll be conscious enough to tend to others."

 

Sure, some people err on the side of over-correction for a while, but that's a place you can come back from. Never knowing a full throttle investment in the Self leaves you operating on fewer cylinders--and that's why so many find it impossible to break certain patterns in relationships. They've never learned how to be whole and use discretion from that place, so they remain forever overcompensating for what needn't be a struggle in the first place.

 

Relax.

[endy]

I agree also 100 percent with the above. When you get to that place... You attract like things naturally. The last paragraph is also true. Most people that I see on here are lost. They don't even know who the hell they are anymore. In that way you aren't even fit to be in a healthy striving relationship, because mentally you aren't all there. You're looking for someone else to make you temporarily happy.

[NCforME]

I think maybe I did a poor job of explaining my argument here.

 

@ Endy- I don't believe I said learning is a negative and certainly didn't mean to convey that. As far as the attention to ones self goes on here many people say you need to be so strong in yourself that you don't let someone else affect you. I find that actually to be a bit of a scary idea. If you are a normal centered human then losing someone should effect you. Also I never meant to say that working on yourself is a negative in a universal sense. But rather working on yourself to the dismissals of others. To me at least what I have been working on is actually how I relate to others. Which has not been self centered focus. But obviously in real terms a way of working on myself as well, just not focused on it.

 

@ He2Him - You actually said partially what I was thinking. That switch that needs to be made after taking care of yourself first. But, If you forget that the overarching goal to eventually be able to play well with others then your forgetting the end goal. I think most of our goals on here is to have life long love with someone. Inner attention is an important part of that.

 

I guess my point was more to people on here talking about doing everything for YOU. Which I find to certain level a bit of scary notion because I feel these people will become jaded narcissist who become cold towards other in order to remain "protected". That's more of my point. I think I see a lot of that going on here purposefully jading yourself so that your not hurt again. If you improving yourself so that you will be better able to find love then great. But that's not so much the idea i'm talking about here.

[NCforME]

I agree also 100 percent with the above. When you get to that place... You attract like things naturally. The last paragraph is also true. Most people that I see on here are lost. They don't even know who the hell they are anymore. In that way you aren't even fit to be in a healthy striving relationship, because mentally you aren't all there. You're looking for someone else to make you temporarily happy.

 

Yes I agree with last paragraph as well. People who jump from one to another need to take a time out. I don't think I ever said that such thing wasn't useful.

[NCforME]

Self healing evolves into having more to give someone else later, and from a more solid place from which to make (and trust) your own decisions.

 

Think of the airplane oxygen analogy. "When the mask falls, apply your own first, then you'll be conscious enough to tend to others."

 

Sure, some people err on the side of over-correction for a while, but that's a place you can come back from. Never knowing a full throttle investment in the Self leaves you operating on fewer cylinders--and that's why so many find it impossible to break certain patterns in relationships. They've never learned how to be whole and use discretion from that place, so they remain forever overcompensating for what needn't be a struggle in the first place.

 

Relax.

 

Yes, I think thats what I'm getting at here. I see an over reaction of jading yourself to not be hurt. I think the Beetles once said something like: For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool. By making his world a little colder

 

Thats the idea I'm getting at.

[endy]

It is definitely true that some people can become self obsessive or have too much pride. Some begin working on their self with no direction. You can read anything you want. If you don't think about it and understand it the proper way then you're not going to benefit from it. I know you didn't mean to convey what I wrote. I wrote it for others as well definitely more so than for you. It wasn't really directed at you. You give great advice and I know just from reading it you've got a better head on your shoulders than that.

 

Focus and having to much pride is a bad thing. If you are constantly focusing on yourself in your OP... There always needs to be balance NC, and I think that's more of the message you were trying to convey here. I absolutely agree with this. Being self centered and constantly thinking about yourself and your wants and desires is a bad thing. There's a difference between being selfish, and going back to yourself and knowing yourself in other words. When working on yourself turns to you being superficial or too good for someone else etc... That's when it is a bad thing. There is no pride in true love.

 

So focusing constantly on yourself can be a very bad thing. There should always be great balance in our lives. Knowing yourself is completely different from what I think you were trying to convey earlier. You were trying to convey self absorption and pride as a bad thing and it truly is. Thanks for clearing up the wrong perception

[NCforME]

Yes, exactly. I guess I wish there was more talk about the out growth part. I think thats often where people need to realize where they went wrong and need to grow. But maybe that's just sign I should talk more in the relationship forum (just odd though since I'm not in one).

[He2Him]

 

@ He2Him - You actually said partially what I was thinking. That switch that needs to be made after taking care of yourself first. But, If you forget that the overarching goal to eventually be able to play well with others then your forgetting the end goal. I think most of our goals on here is to have life long love with someone. Inner attention is an important part of that.

 

 

I agree that some people get stuck in loving themselves, I was speaking from personal experience, where I kinda run out of things to love about myself and I start focusing on others. And it was then when I learned that helping others is the best thing ever. To me at least, it's the ultimate meaning of life. After I helped myself to get me on the right track of becoming the best I can be, I'm trying to help others to become best they can be. I want to see all the people at the bottom, climbing that mountain of life and reaching its top so they can breath fresh air and have a great view. Becoming happier and happier as they climb up.

 

As for goals, I don't think we should have ''loving relationship with someone'' as a goal to reach. Because once we make it there, what then? As I said, I have a lot of goals, but the end goal would be ''ongoing help to others''.. then I can ensure that I never reach its end. (It feels rather hopeless should there be an end of my efforts) What counts is effort I make everyday, on scale from 1-10. If I do 10 everyday, I could die tomorrow and not regret a thing, because I always put the most effort to whatever I was doing in my life. And when I know I got nothing to regret, I feel much happier lol. But that's me wandering to another life related topic. Not the original idea of yours.

[NCforME]

I love the first paragraph. Exactly what I was thinking of in first rambling .

 

As for the second I disagree that this goal is ever really even achieved. The goal of having life long love requires constant maintenance so your never really all the way to your goal. So I guess the goal would be to have "ongoing love with someone".

[NCforME]

Double post.

[NCforME]

I guess I'll share a little bit about my motivation for this. One of the reasons I think I was broken up with was because I was being self centered. I forgot to do the little things like ask how your day was and remember to see an event or test went. So my "working on myself" has actually been geared toward working well with others. Also why I think (even though my name wouldn't suggest it) NC is not for me. Because if I were to ever get her back I would have to show I changed. That I'm not being a self centered person. I guess I wanted people out there to realize that over focusing on your own problems often doesn't solve your problems with others. I know first hand I made school and myself a top priority with out making enough room for a relationship. It can also lead to negatives if you forget that loving others is what in the end its all about. Having enough of your self left over that you can give love else where.

 

So I admit, This thread was a somewhat self involved lesson learned. I guess its also a lesson that some of us really deserved to be dumped. I know I probably did. That's why I would like to see more comments on this thread about lessons learned and how we resolve them. Maybe I'll make a thread where we admit to our relationship failures.

[He2Him]

 

As for the second I disagree that this goal is ever really even achieved. The goal of having life long love requires constant maintenance so your never really all the way to your goal. So I guess the goal would be to have "ongoing love with someone".

 

''Ongoing love with someone'' is fine goal Because it's really a goal in itself.

[He2Him]

I know first hand I made school and myself a top priority with out making enough room for a relationship. It can also lead to negatives if you forget that loving others is what in the end its all about. Having enough of your self left over that you can give love else where.

 

That is where I see a difference between healthy self-love and being too in love/focusing on yourself. Maybe better explained via example. To me, it's important to feel good at least, great if possible - So I go to gym everyday. I compromise parties, going out with friends for gym. It's like one of fundamental stones of my life - I must work out. Because when I do, I feel great! Then I want to maintain that feeling. So I try to eat healthy meals. Fresh, energetic, full of vitamins. Eating healthy is another important fundamental stone of my life that I compromise other stuff for. Because nothings more important than your health. So when I workout and eat what I find good for my body, I can then focus on other stuff. Be it education, job, friends, etc.

 

And I should add, that sleep is very important to me as well. At least 8 hours sleep a day!

[Tired Tiger]

As with so many other things, it's a matter of balance.

 

Focusing on yourself (which is generally referred to in the context of a post break up healing mindset) is more about finding healthy autonomy than it is about learning to be a narcissist. There's a natural, but unhealthy, imbalance in our thought processes during a significant portion of the healing process.

 

Consider all that mental energy that's expended fretting over things like Facebook and re-hashing single sentences spoken months prior, not to mention even more insignificant things like making sure the phone is near enough to hear while in the shower. Now consider that all that energy is going to waste - that this is the basis for needing to 'refocus'. Turning that energy to yourself is the way to re-acquire balance, as well as becoming a whole and attractive person again.

[sage_1]

Your insights always help me, TT, even 2 years post breakup!

 

Welcome to 1000 posts.

[endy]

As with so many other things, it's a matter of balance.

 

Focusing on yourself (which is generally referred to in the context of a post break up healing mindset) is more about finding healthy autonomy than it is about learning to be a narcissist. There's a natural, but unhealthy, imbalance in our thought processes during a significant portion of the healing process.

 

Consider all that mental energy that's expended fretting over things like Facebook and re-hashing single sentences spoken months prior, not to mention even more insignificant things like making sure the phone is near enough to hear while in the shower. Now consider that all that energy is going to waste - that this is the basis for needing to 'refocus'. Turning that energy to yourself is the way to re-acquire balance, as well as becoming a whole and attractive person again.

 

This is gospel to me. If you read the secret, and you can heal yourself (the title of the book) You'll notice that you are completely out of balance. Maybe not only during a break up. A lot of this has to do with the mind. People do not realize why this is happening to them. The truth is the mind is our most powerful tool. What we give out to the universe is what comes back to us. All the negative thoughts make it worse. It's the law of attraction, and yes it really does exist. If we constantly think negative thoughts, and have negative wants... That's what we are going to get. If you don't believe me try it. Start thinking more positive thoughts. Start really getting to know yourself and loving yourself again.

 

TT every post I read of yours I agree with. I can honestly say you've got to be an old soul

[90_hour_sleep]

ISo I admit, This thread was a somewhat self involved lesson learned. I guess its also a lesson that some of us really deserved to be dumped. I know I probably did. That's why I would like to see more comments on this thread about lessons learned and how we resolve them. Maybe I'll make a thread where we admit to our relationship failures.

 

me too!!!! lol.

 

so completely. god i love reflecting on that. never fails to bring a joyful smile to my face.

 

takes something almost monumental to acknowledge a 'failure'. in the face of justification...and righteousness...few remember the warm embrace of humility. we'd rather blindly pursue that which paints us only in rainbows. we step away from truth sometimes because we'd rather not feel it's edge.

 

that's what it was for me. not so much relenting...and giving in to defeat. but embracing new perspectives. accepting and knowing that differences are an important part of relating with others. a hundred different people will have a hundred different accounts of the same event. are ninety-nine of them wrong? methinks not. openness to things which are not your own. acceptance without agreement. these are powerful allies.

 

and in the context of your original question...i really love catfeeder's depiction of things. as always...eloquent and to the point.

[Nick Lansing]

Yeah, absolutely. There is a danger of becoming too self-centered and jaded and cynical, of shutting yourself off from loving again. I think my most recent ex has done that... She had a painful divorce 3 years ago and had talked about maybe never being in a serious relationship ever again, going through life with fun relationships but no deep attachment. Then when we started getting close, she abruptly cut things off...

 

But I think most people come here when they're wounded, and so have to be reminded that now is the time to take care of YOURSELF. If you don't no one else will... or at least you can't count on anyone else to. You have to accept that life goes on even if your ex doesn't come back, and it helps to be encouraged to use the experience as a catalyst for real, positive change with yourself.

 

I know that my reaction to this latest breakup has made me realize there's a hole in my life, and I used this relationship to try to patch that hole. We were only together three months; it shouldn't hurt this much.

 

Anyway, the focus on yourself does have the added benefit of keeping you from begging and making an ass of yourself and thus may help in facilitating a reconciliation.