Broke NC and I feel like %$^$%^

[Meriem]

Hey guys, so yesterday he texted me and I texted back, it was just friendly and normal, we said goodnight and I didn't have any intention of contacting again, I was civil and din't even bring the relationship up (we texted because we saw eachother)

Anyway I woke up feeling bad and alittle depressed, so I texted him saying I'll never trust anyone because of him, he turned my life upside down and then one day decided to leave just like that & I think that it's horrible... and he didn't reply

I honestly think it's better that he didn't I don't wana drag this and when he doesn't reply it reminds me of the dark side of him (he used to run and not face problems whenever we had problems, he'd just disappear if anything felt uncomfotable)

But I feel terrible now that I broke NC it sets me back and I've been depressed since yesterday I'm hating the fact that I couldn't control myself and I'm beating myself up, at the same time I'm realising he'll never ever change, he'll always run away from any problems and that's not the type of person I want to be with, I put him in a pedestal and it's hard to see the person you idoled so much for what they really are, it makes me question my sanity and ability to see people for what they are, it's just so depressing

[thusspokemara]

In AA/NA, the moment you break your sobriety you revert to Day 1. My grandfather's friend/individual he has sponsored broke his sobriety of eighteen years less than three years ago during a moment of weakness at a wedding (this was after the market crashed and his company took a hit) Think of it in that context. Repeatedly re-initiating contact is only going to give you a millisecond of satisfaction, followed by an unknown period of despair. Stop contacting him.

[Meriem]

I know it takes you back to square one, that's how I feel and I feel like I don't have any strength in me to start over, I feel like I'm being carried by endorphins only, I'm not made for such heartbreak I can't fight to feel better anymore

[thusspokemara]

Start over? As in with a new partner, or with life in general? If you're concerned about the former, try not to concern yourself with such worries. You don't need another human, and certainly not at this point. If you feel completely overwhelmed, visit a mental health professional or three. With some cognitive therapy, perhaps an AD if both you an your mental healthcare provider agree it may be helpful, you could certainly progress from this point. You need to reinforce this sensation, the result of your contact with your ex-partner, so you no longer respond.

[Meriem]

Thanks thusspokemara for the support, start over as in starting to heal from the break up all over again, I don't know maybe I will visit one, I feel a little better now, now I'm starting to feel angry instead & a little hurt but I'm hoping they will go away with time, I'll just let time do it's thing I'm not guna fight back or anything because I'm sick and tired of it everytime I do so there is progress but then something takes me back to square one again