Girlfriend just told me about her cocaine addiction.

[Padraig]

I've been dating this girl for almost a year. We had a big fight last night and almost broke up. After the fight she told me that she used to do cocaine. I asked when she quit, and she said she quit after she met me. We talked more about it tonight. She told me her ex boyfriend got her started on it and she used for 3 years. Wound up using every day. She said $20 every week day and $50 on Friday and Saturday.

 

This has totally changed my views on her. When we met I thought she was a good girl. She hardly ever drank, she didn't smoke, she TOLD me she never used drugs. She convinced me to quit smoking. At the time I met her I was drinking every day. I felt so happy when I was with her I didn't want to drink. She never asked me to stop smoking weed but I knew she didn't like it so I quit that too. A few months ago she told me I changed her life so much because for a year before she met me she never went out and never did anything besides go to work, then go home. Tonight she told me that she was going to nightclubs every friday and saturday. She has a terrible job and makes minimum wage, she has bills and pays rent. I wanted to ask how she payed for all that but I just couldn't ask. I didn't want to know.

 

I told her that because she's lied to me for so long I won't be able to trust her again. I told her we had to break up. After an hour or so she convinced me to stay with her. She has been an excellent girlfriend. Very loving, very caring, very trustworthy. But she lost my trust. I want to be with her but I don't know how. I'm a jealous person, I can control it fairly well. But I just don't think I can trust her again.

 

I also don't believe she quit when she said she did. I asked her when the last time was and she couldnt think of the specific situation. I find that very hard to believe that you wouldn't remember. Now that I think more I remember she would have the sniffles quite a bit. I can't think specifically of when that stopped, but it was far later than when she says she quit.

 

What can I do? I wan't to trust her again. Should I tell her she has to go to NARCON meetings? Should I just end it? I need sleep before I make any decisions. I've eaten 1 poptart and nothing else in the last 48 hours. I have a terrible hangover and I slept 2 hours last night.

 

Thank you for any advice.

[MakeItCount]

Everyone has something they're not happy with. I think admitting that she did coke was probably a HUGE step for her. She's a better person now, is she not? I think you need to pay attention to that, and make sure you guys get any other secrets out now if you decide to stay together.

 

I think you'll be making a big mistake if you break up over this.

[mouseno4]

I am not totally convinced. To be honest, if it were me, I really doubt I could ever trust her again. Cocaine is not some basic drug anyone can get. It is the biggest and most well known of drugs. If I were in your position I would tell her straight up that she just lost all my trust. All of it. Her single saving grace was that she didn't use it whilst in the relationship and that she had let the secret out. I would also tell her that despite my losing all trust in her, I would be willing to forgive her and let the past stay the past. Work to mend bridges rather than walking away. But that is just my opinion.

[metrogirl]

Well if she was a long time user, I pretty sure the 'sniffles' could last beyond her using because she probably damaged her sinuses from all the use.

[ferna3069]

u know your gf better that we do. does she do a certain something when shes lying? if she does go ahead and ask her agian and look out for that

[chitown9]

Your girlfriend did a very brave thing by telling you about her former drug use. I don't think it makes any difference when she stopped, the important thing here is that she stopped. Why didn't she tell you this information sooner? Well, she probably did not feel comfortable until she knew you for a period of time elasped. I would not worry about anything she witheld from you. She had to trust you with this information. It is not the kind of thing you talk about early on in a relationship. I would ask her what she did to quit. She is not a bad person because she used drugs. If that is your reason for thinking of breaking up with her...think again. Many good people have used drugs. I went back to school to get a certificate in substance abuse. Most of the students in the chemical dependency program are former users. I made a friend in that program. She had 14 felonies, been in jail. You would never guess it because today she is the sweetest person, does excellent work in her classes. She had to go through all the legwork to expunge her record. Today she is a counselor for substance abuse at her church. It made me realize how close minded I was. There was a time I would have not been a friend of someone who had a criminal record.

 

People who use drugs have made bad choices, but it does not make them a bad person.

[MyNinja]

yeah, I've dealt with dating someone who was a cocaine user, but he denied it. It was the weirdest relationship I've ever been in. At first I didn't know he was using drugs but I did know something was up with him in an off-putting sort of way. The sneaking out, the constant weak excuses for why he needed to be at his friend's house and the metallic bitter taste he had on his breath associated with a white powdery substance on his face. He always seemed so out of it until I asked some close friends of his only to find out the truth. I left shortly thereafter. Ugh

 

I'm sorry you went through this. I'm glad she was honest though

[abitbroken]

when my first boyfriend told me he had been a cutter, it was one of the bravest things he did. When we met, he told me that the scars were from something different. I forgave him when he told me because he didn't exactly tell everyone he first met that. It took a lot of trust and time. BTW, she could have paid for stuff because she had savings or cut corners or the boyfriend funded it. or sold possessions, But either way. I agree. She is still a "good girl". sometimes people convince others that if they love them they would do something and maybe this happened with their bf. Cocaine is highly addictive and it seems like she was hooked.some people that have recovered from addiction go the other way and can't stand drug use in others.

 

if this is the only issue and you get along well, I would chalk it up to the past. When you say "good girl" = the point is learning from your mistakes and being stronger.

 

btw, one of the people I admire most used to run for drugs for his parents as a teenager and was in jail twice. He really cleaned up his life and now mentors at-risk youth and has a family of his own. If she has turned her life around, that should count for something if everything else seems fine.

[lavenderdove]

Well, you said you had a drinking and weed problem yourself and changed, and people can and do change. What is problematic is her not telling you about it, BUT if she has genuinely given it up and is clean now, you might try to work it out. Past addictions or indiscretions of all forms are deeply embarassing to people and not something they feel comfortable spilling to someone else until they know/trust them so she may have agonized about whether and when to tell you.

 

I think you should go out and buy a home drug testing kit, and ask her for a sample to show that she is clean (you can buy them online or at drug stores, and don't give her advance notice that you want a sample). If she is clean, she will have no trouble doing it, and it might be something you discuss with her right before you ask her, and tell her you can't be with a drug addict, so if she is willing to show you she is clean and not using (and submit periodically to random checks to prove it), you will work with her. And if she can go a couple years showing she is clean, i think odds are good she has it under control. If she balks at doing the test, then she is still a user and lying, and if that's the case, then you should break up with her.

[banal]

I don't think it's so bad that she had kept it a secret from you. Think about it from her perspective. Suppose you had been an addict and you had dropped the habit. Would you confess this to anyone when you first meet him or when you're first dating? God no. Almost any decent guy will run as far away from you as he can.

 

This all assumes, of course, that she has actually moved on from the drug. But if she has, stop being so sanctimonious. For once I don't agree with lavender. I think issuing a drug test is a bad idea. You're not a parole officer. You have to trust her when she says she's not using.

[catfeeder]

I can appreciate why the lie is a big problem, because where there's one lie there's usually a string of them to support it or soften the harshest truths in 'degrees', such as the one you point out--when, exactly, she quit.

 

So in my mind, if I love the girl enough to stay with her, it would be on my terms--not hers. She doesn't get to drop a bomb then say, "So stay with me now, and trust me completely." No, if I stay with you now, you need to earn my trust back--and you need to accept that I do NOT trust you right now, and I can't promise that I will.

 

This doesn't mean I'd turn into a human sobriety tester or private behavior police--it means we're both starting from the same place. I accept at face value that she's an addict and lied about it and is willing to live transparently from this point forward, but I also accept that probing for details and trying to set her up to fail my useless and unnecessary tests about exactly how dishonest she's been is a waste of my investment. Either I'm 'in' or I'm 'out,' and if I'm in then we're on the same team--we're not adversaries.

 

My relationship would be based on a platform 'from this moment forward,' and that means either she behaves in ways that are acceptable to me from this point on, or she doesn't. If not, there's no fighting--I simply walk. She either gets that and agrees to it, or not, but there's no attempt to manipulate me 'out of' viewing behavior that lacks transparency as acceptable. Finding yourself in a power struggle over future behavior is a clear cue to exit the relationship.

[lavenderdove]

>>I think issuing a drug test is a bad idea. You're not a parole officer.

 

Ah, but drug addicts are notorious for lying and hiding their addictions which is the nature of addiction. And random drug screens have been shown to help addicts stay on the straight and narrow, whether that is the police, or a job, or asking a partner or kid to submit to them, because any time the thought to just sneak 'a little' of the drug crosses their minds, they remember that they could easily get caught and lose their partner or go to jail or whatever, so it keeps them from taking that first hit that often leads to a binge and right back into addiction.

 

So random drug tests are very helpful as a preventative measure to help keep an addict straight, and it isn't about 'trust' but about helping them stay clean and proving that they are doing what it takes to stay clean and not risk their own life or their lifestyle with their partner that doesn't involved drugs. Given that she has just admitted she lied to him in a big way, she well could also be lying about being straight now as well. Many addicts consider themselves 'cured' if they only do it now and again and she still may and hide it from him, but that's a slippery slope back into addiction if she uses any at all, especially with a highly addictive drug like cocaine.

 

The only people i've ever seen who object to taking a simple urine test for work or anything else are those who still want to use and intend to use in future. And if you can ask someone to provide an HIV test and results to you as a routine preventative to stay in a relationship with them, asking a person to take a simple urine test for drugs now and again should be no different. I would never object to it, and someone who isn't using shouldn't either, because drug addicts also have a higher risk of risky sexual behavior, and someone who is using might be trading sex for drugs. So he has every reason in the world to be able to ask her for this test under the circumstances and it is about far more than just 'trust'.

[banal]

I agree with you that they're notorious liars; there's a reason no one sensible would want to date one, and the OP's girlfriend hid her past from him.

 

I guess you and I just think differently on this one. I'd never ask my girlfriend to provide me with routine HIV tests. I'd view that request as absurdly insulting. Maybe when we first got together - I can totally understand that. But after we've been established? No chance.

[Ms Darcy]

If I got to the point where I felt the need to give my partner a drug test, I would walk away.

[catfeeder]

If I got to the point where I felt the need to give my partner a drug test, I would walk away.

 

Me too. That would no longer be about my partner, that would be me opting for a future of playing the authoritarian to someone else. What kind of life is that?

[yikeshelpme]

>>I think issuing a drug test is a bad idea. You're not a parole officer.

 

Ah, but drug addicts are notorious for lying and hiding their addictions which is the nature of addiction. And random drug screens have been shown to help addicts stay on the straight and narrow, whether that is the police, or a job, or asking a partner or kid to submit to them, because any time the thought to just sneak 'a little' of the drug crosses their minds, they remember that they could easily get caught and lose their partner or go to jail or whatever, so it keeps them from taking that first hit that often leads to a binge and right back into addiction.

 

that's just dumb making someone take a drug test, all that is going to do is prove to her that your basically a hypocrite because you admitted used to smoke pot and drink heavily before you met her and that you also want to be her nanny and moral compass judging her for years to come. She may have lied but it took a lot of guts telling you that, just because she did cocaine doesn't make any less of a person, remember you once had your vices.

 

because drug addicts also have a higher risk of risky sexual behavior, and someone who is using might be trading sex for drugs. So he has every reason in the world to be able to ask her for this test under the circumstances and it is about far more than just 'trust'.

 

the ignorance in this post is blinding, just because she took cocaine doesn't make her likely to become a prostitute trading her body for coke.