When the Magic is gone, and Sex is Boring...

[CamGuy]

I'm really in need of any advice that perhaps comes from someone who has endured this exact same problem.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years now. I'm a healthy 30 yr old male, who probably acts a lot younger than he should, nevertheless, I'm a faithful and loving boyfriend, and I love spending time with my girl. However, the sex is essentially non-existent. When we do make love, it's rather boring, and no longer exciting. There is almost no passion there anymore (physically). We never "makeout" anymore, there really isn't much affection other than the occasional hug, and quick peck on the lips goodbye when one of us leaves the apartment. It is beginning to take its toll on the relationship.

 

She will at times accuse me of not being very "loving" or "endearing" or emotionally available to her; which is why she is kinda no longer into sex. However, I tried to explain to her that it goes both ways. Just as women tend to only want to have sex with men they feel an emotional connection with (not always, but most times), men, vice versa, use sex to develop that emotional connection that so many women want and desire. Naturally, the lack of sex has resulted in me acting like a * * * * * sometimes. I don't want to act out, and be a jerk, but sometimes, I just do.

 

It's been months, and no sex. It's starting to affect my judgement. I have no desire to cheat, or go down that path, but I often find myself WANTING to cheat on my GF, just so I can have some crazy porn sex for once. I still love her, and do not want to hurt her, but every time I bring up the LACK OF SEX problem, we go through the same argument. Has anyone every gotten over this hump.....this pain in the ass problem?

 

-Cam

[nsomnia912]

Go out for a nice romantic dinner, talk..not about the days but talk about a life experience or something personal, maybe a nice massage with candles and music..tell her you want to rekindle things, maybe keep it no sex in this date, but go back to the frst date when you were just meeting and getting butterflies. Kiss her long passionate kiss...maybe take a bath together....try to be really creative, and show her you took the time and thought into planning a special evening with her, because you feel things are slipping away and you don't want that because you love her, and miss her

[hexaemeron]

Uh, why does he automatically have to bow to her vaginal purse string tightening? They need to work this out together and that doesn't equal "give the woman whatever she wants".

[Cadence44]

vaginal purse string tightening

 

LOL! I agree with Hex and applaud him for his language creativity.

 

She is not a special snowflake and she is contributing to the damage to the relationship. If they have had an open conversation and he has told her he needs more sex, then why should she get spoiled? If he does give her more emotional support without her having to give equally then it's practically rewarding her for withholding sex. If both of them put effort into giving the other what they need, then this relationship can possibly be saved.

[KittyBoo]

Hexameron, I don't think that the intent of the advice is to be a one-sided effort on his part. Often when we want to see change in someone else, the first place we must begin is by making changes in ourselves. This in turn may get the desired change in our partners. The OP still loves her and wants to make things better so I think he is willing to take our advice in order to hopefully see some improvement in his situation.

[hexaemeron]

Hexameron, I don't think that the intent of the advice is to be a one-sided effort on his part. Often when we want to see change in someone else, the first place we must begin is by making changes in ourselves. This in turn may get the desired change in our partners. The OP still loves her and wants to make things better so I think he is willing to take our advice in order to hopefully see some improvement in his situation.

 

but where's her effort? From the OP's POV, she's just complaining and not doing anything proactive. She's not an empress sitting on a lilypad waiting for everything to be brought to her. She needs to make an effort here too. OP, does she make efforts to address the problems past complaining?

[Glowguy]

These things are incredibly hard to resolve. I had the same issue and could not overcome it. She's probably lost her attraction for you. I think time apart is really the only way to rekindle the relationship when it gets to the point where you go months without sex. What is the point of being in a relationship like that? For me the stress and unhappiness just isn't worth continuing a sexless relationship. I would make it clear to her that you can't continue in the relationship the way things are.

[The Archer]

Uh, why does he automatically have to bow to her vaginal purse string tightening? They need to work this out together and that doesn't equal "give the woman whatever she wants".

 

Well that’s a difficult one. We all have the right to say what we don’t want done to our bodies.

 

I’ve been on both sides of this equation and when it’s me wanting more sexual contact than my partner the main thing I look for is reassurance.

I don’t mind waiting if we have the same long term goals. If my partner is saying regular sex is an essential part of a relationship for her then I’m ok with waiting or working towards creating the right kind of relationship. If she’s unable to give that reassurance that we both want the same things from a relationship then it’s time to move on. Or at least time to start worrying.

 

OP I always shake my head when I read about post’s like yours. Instinctively I would have thought it was unlikely that a sexual relationship would go down hill once it was good but that doesn’t seem to be the case. There are many threads like yours on here.

I’m not really sure what to suggest. Trying to improve other areas of your relationship is probably the best bet though.

Do make sure you get that reassurance from her though. It’s important that you both want similar things from your relationship. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect to be able to sit down with her and talk about what you both want in the long term.

[KittyBoo]

Yes, she needs to make the effort too. I think the OP will have to figure out how far he is willing to go on his own and where the meeting in the middle takes place. Ideally his efforts to rekindle things and to make love to her mind so to speak will be enough of a start for her to realize that effort needs to come from her side as well

[Capricorn3]

We never "makeout" anymore, there really isn't much affection other than the occasional hug, and quick peck on the lips goodbye when one of us leaves the apartment.

WHY has this happened in the first place? WHY do you no longer "makeout"? WHY is there no affection anymore? WHY is there no hugging anymore? WHY only a quick peck? Try figuring that out and try fixing this.

 

BOTH of you ... Start "making out" again. Be affectionate again. Start giving lots of hugs again. Stop with the quick pecks and get into passionate kissing again etc etc. You'll probably find the relationship will improve.

[KittyBoo]

A healthy and fulfilling intimacy needs to exist between a couple. Otherwise you are just good buddies with occasional extra benefits. A lot of us are guilty of taking our partners for granted after we've been together for a while but it is very important to find that emotional connection and keep it alive.

[CamGuy]

but where's her effort? From the OP's POV, she's just complaining and not doing anything proactive. She's not an empress sitting on a lilypad waiting for everything to be brought to her. She needs to make an effort here too. OP, does she make efforts to address the problems past complaining?

 

She is very aware of our issues. And yes, I have done my best to meet her halfway. I explained to her the problem, and I hope she understands, without sex, it is hard for ME to develop an emotional connection TO her. Granted, I'm not ready to give up. I have been more accommodating and more "emotionally available", but still nothing just yet. She claims sex is sometimeskinda painful, but I cant imagine her lying about that just to avoid sex with me. We used to sex all the time, in the first year and a half.

 

The thing is for me, I need sex to be passionate and fun. If you're just gonna lie there and do nothing, I'm not into it and rather go jerk off. SO I am doing my best to reinvigorate her sex drive. I even ask her if she wants to explore new techniques / positions / etc. She kinda just looks at me funny. I just worry, after 3 years, is this going to get better eventually, or worse?

[The Archer]

I feel sympathetic to your situation. I would also have a hard time remaining emotionally available if I thought I was sexually incompatible with my partner. Sex is no small thing.

[hexaemeron]

Yeah, I don't think she is involved/invested/attracted anymore. Looks at you strangely when you try to address the problem? Yeah, it's done. Sorry, man.

[Capricorn3]

Originally Posted by CamGuy

We never "makeout" anymore, there really isn't much affection other than the occasional hug, and quick peck on the lips goodbye when one of us leaves the apartment.

 

WHY has this happened in the first place? WHY do you no longer "makeout"? WHY is there no affection anymore? WHY is there no hugging anymore? WHY only a quick peck? Try figuring that out and try fixing this.

 

BOTH of you ... Start "making out" again. Be affectionate again. Start giving lots of hugs again. Stop with the quick pecks and get into passionate kissing again etc etc. You'll probably find the relationship will improve.

 

I'm really interested in what the answers are to the questions in bold, above.

[jingletruck]

Uh, why does he automatically have to bow to her vaginal purse string tightening? They need to work this out together and that doesn't equal "give the woman whatever she wants".

 

I agree, but my advice is get the heck out of there. Now. This is the type of woman who in five years won't give you a blowjob unless you buy her earrings first. Believe me, that type is a dime-a-dozen here in the Midwest. You can try to work it out together, but in my experience people like that rarely change.

[leebarley]

Capricorn3, you are funny!

 

Well, back to topic, Camguy, How i see the problem is, BOTH of you are too self-centered. start from yourself, don't keep on focusing on the fact that you cannot be emotional connected if you don't have sex. you mentioned you meet her halfway, what exactly did you do?

 

Did you create the moment? looking through the pictures you two have taken together ever since you have been together, should trigger some emotions on both sides.

[CamGuy]

Capricorn3, you are funny!

 

Well, back to topic, Camguy, How i see the problem is, BOTH of you are too self-centered. start from yourself, don't keep on focusing on the fact that you cannot be emotional connected if you don't have sex. you mentioned you meet her halfway, what exactly did you do?

 

Did you create the moment? looking through the pictures you two have taken together ever since you have been together, should trigger some emotions on both sides.

 

Maybe you're right. But Im really trying here. If she was just no longer "attracted to me" I'd have to imagine she'd just tell me and we could then end the relationship. But she does wonderful things for me. She cooks me dinner, takes care of me when I'm sick, think of me often, and even surprises me with little things that I never thought I needed for work, travel, etc. It's just the sex that is the problem. It's no longer there. There is no more passion. I want to make out, and be affectionate, but do you know how demeaning it is to a man whose girlfriend makes him feel like a giant * * * * * because she wont make out with him?

 

What am i to do? I mean, she has never given me ANY kind of indication that she wants to break up. Believe me, if it was that simple, I would have ended it months ago.

[Glowguy]

I'm really interested in what the answers are to the questions in bold, above.

 

See the post right above yours. I think it's pretty obvious.

 

What am i to do? I mean, she has never given me ANY kind of indication that she wants to break up. Believe me, if it was that simple, I would have ended it months ago.

 

It's not that simple. Many people will hold on to relationships long past their expiration and many people just lack the courage to break up. I bet she hasn't made up her mind yet, but when she meets someone who attracts her again then things might get really messy. My ex also did things like cook and take care of me right up to the end, but other actions clearly showed that she had lost interest. Women are more nurturing and they will often do stuff like that for friends. I'm sure she still cares about you, but is that really enough?

[BlueMilk]

But she does wonderful things for me. She cooks me dinner, takes care of me when I'm sick, think of me often, and even surprises me with little things that I never thought I needed for work, travel, etc. It's just the sex that is the problem. It's no longer there. There is no more passion.

 

So she has done all these wonderful things to show you she cares aside from sex, so she is trying at least and hasn't given up. What about you? You said you talked to her about the problem, that she isn't opening up for some reason, and that you tried to meet her half way...

 

Okay, aside from talking to her about the problem what else have you done to meet her half way? Have you surprised her with little thoughtful gifts for her work? Have you decided to cook dinner randomly so that she can take a break? Remember for a lot of women the passion is in the every day actions; make us /want/ to make out with you, and simply suggesting something sexual is not enough to get the old engine revved up.

 

There was a joke a while ago about 'porno for women' where it shows good looking men wearing next to nothing while doing house chores. Yes, it is stereotypical and incredibly gender biased and horrific in all sorts of ways but the basic idea is there: do something thoughtful to get her aroused. She is doing it to you after all.

 

Now if you have been thoughtful too and just as giving and sweet with gestures (NOT JUST WORDS) then...yea, there is might be a deeper underlying problem.

[Lady Rashomon]

This actually happened with me and my ex. He was never what I'd call a great and passionate lover, but the novelty of the relationship made me more sexually responsive to him. Admittedly, when that wore off, what remained was a strong friendship but not a great deal of attraction. For me, the pain was directly associated to that lack of attraction and, therefore, the subsequent response of my body clamping up.

[CamGuy]

This actually happened with me and my ex. He was never what I'd call a great and passionate lover, but the novelty of the relationship made me more sexually responsive to him. Admittedly, when that wore off, what remained was a strong friendship but not a great deal of attraction. For me, the pain was directly associated to that lack of attraction and, therefore, the subsequent response of my body clamping up.

 

This is what I feared. But the thing is....she is still wonderful to me in almost all other regards. She makes me dinner, thinks about me when she is out, gets me little gifts here and there, etc. Basically, things you'd expect from a woman who loves you. My issue is I AM A PASSIONATE lover. Sex is so important to me. The fact that it not only hurts her when we do it, but that she is not into it as much as I am scares me. Infact, if it was as simple as her no longer being attracted to me, I'd feel much better about it, because I at lest would know WHY. Right now, Im almost convinced she just doesnt like sex anymore. Even when I am addressing the issues she calls me out on. I mean, thats nuts right?

[CamGuy]

-Well, perhaps I need to do more. Obviously, the lack of sex has made me a little disengaged from the relationship. But I still do nice things for her, and think of her; actions that I know she adores and appreciates when I do them. But like I said earlier, it is very challenging to WANT to go out of your way to impress someone with gifts, and actions and kindness, when you are so emotionally disconnected from that person. I will try and work harder though. I just hate this.

[Lady Rashomon]

How communicative has she been, in the history of your relationship, about sex? Was she ever a truly sexual person in the relationship? Sometimes, the beginning of a relationship can be clouded over by the ecstasy of novelty as opposed to a genuine sense of compatibility. Have you ever asked her about what she likes and doesn't like, what turns her on and doesn't? It sounds like you aren't simply interested in goal-oriented, penetrative sex (something that early turned me off about my ex, as he wasn't into making out and taking it slow and just enjoying each other without rushing towards home base), but in intimacy and passion, so I feel for you.

[Lady Rashomon]

It could also be that she is in a rut with her own sexuality, which happens. Would she consider going to a sex therapist or maybe taking workshops with you that are focused on communication and sexuality? Unfortunately, the longer she lets herself stay in that position, the less likely it is that you'll ever be able to reignite what you once had (if it was there).